i feel like I’m the weakest person alive. I have seen these pictures and quotes of girls saying “putting on a smile even in your toughest moments makes you a strong person” but, damn, I do that all the time! And I’m not strong! I smile for my friends, I eat my food, hide my knives, hide my pain, cheer people up, make them laugh and spend time with everyone. But once I’m alone at home, in my room or just all alone somewhere… I cry. I shatter. I break down and cant do anything about it! My heart breaks several times over again as I see everything happen before my eyes again. Bullying, denial, loss, hate, love, pain. Everything… It just comes back to me as if it was something that happened just yesterday. I’m not sure i can take it much longer… I just want to… *sigh* sometimes I think it’ll be better if I just left… It’s not like anyone would miss me, I’m not important, I’m just another person and I’ll die one day anyway and atleast when I’m dead I can be with my loved lost ones.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
18 comments
I’m the same. And you are definitely not weak. Hey, you’re alive still, so you’re fighter. And just try to say to people you had a bad day. And when some ask why, just tell them. Not saying that go pour all your heart to them but just tell something small. Everyone is important. You never know whom of your friends looks up to you every day and wonders how happy she can be. So yeah just hold on
I might still be alive but I feel like I’m going through the day on autopilot… I can’t just tell them, what if they think I’m weak? What if they don’t want to be friends with me anymore because they find out I’m not happy and hyper all the time? I do silly things to see them laugh and a friend of mine did ask “why are you so happy today?” I just said “why not?” I lie so much. I don’t think I’ll be able to keep this fake smile on much longer…
Yeah well hey, if you say you are weak now and you are afraid to tell them because they will think you are weak? I mean probably they won’t. And if they don’t want to be your friends anymore, are they any real friends then? Are friends only to share the good times? Anyways you should tell some of your problems to your friends. I mean if they will leave you, you only lost like bad friends. If they will stay around, they will probably be relieved that hey you have human side too.
It’s not lying, it’s just protecting yourself. You should try to stop though because in some point your lying will hurt others.
I’ll try… But they won’t be able to help a messed up kid as me… I’ve been so many places. A shrink, my mom, strangers online, doctors. Ugh! I’m so tired of it cause all just say “don’t worry and take your medicine, it’ll go over soon” no thanks! I don’t want to take medication and I don’t want to go to a person who is paid to listen to me. I want to go to someone who believes me, comforts me, stays with me no matter what…
In my language sissi means partisan/guerrilla by the way
Only person who can pull you up are you. I mean others just can give you the means they can even throw you a rope into quicksand you are in but no one will grab that rope for you so that part you sort have to do yourself. And there are people like that too. You just need to find them. I have always been against medication myself, but whatever helps I guess
I don’t think I want to grab that rope. Same as I throw away my medication because it makes me drowsy.
Hello. When I read your story tears trickled down my cheeks and I couldn’t do anything else than stare at what was written and the comments too. I am in the exact same position as you. I try to hide my inner problems with big fake smiles and long-sleeved shirts. My family and my friends do not have the slightest idea of what’s going on with me. I’m even well know for being one of the happiest people from my class. But whenever I’m alone I just crash down. I stop functioning like a proper human being. I’ve thought about sharing my problems just like RESU said but I can’t seem to find the right person. I am a little bit antisocial so I don’t have many friends and if I try to share my problems I think they’ll take me for a mad man or just for a weak-attention-seeking girl. But I do have one friend that I really much trust… but I’m scared to tell him, because I don’t want to scare him off with my ‘insanity’ and my cuts… I do not know what kind of advise I should give you, ‘cuz I haven’t found the ‘cure’ yet but I want you to know that there are other people like you and if you want to talk, I’m here.
Can I come find you, hug you tight and just cry and cry and cry?
I think that you are a very strong person. The fact that you can hide your pain and cheer people up while you are hurting proves that you are not weak. Crying isn’t weak it is just a way to let it all out. Give life a chance and I promise things will turn around.
I don’t know if I can…
Really? You really think so? 🙂
Sissi, Etibaka, you are both strong awesome people. But two years ago I tried to kill myself and failed like I do everything and I was too depressed to try again but somehow I am here still. Especially on this page I’ve found people who love me regardless that I told them. I also noticed that people in my daily life don’t judge me either. Most anyway. Of course there will be those few people who will make you feel like worst humans who ever lived.
You just need to let those people go from your lives. Yeah, I remember moment long ago. We had to write a big colorful paper full of words we thought about one of our classmates. When I got my paper it said: “happy” “cheery” “always sunny” “<3" and then there were two comments that were overlined by others but "weird" and "freak" and those made me cry all night.
But my point is that those comments were like 2/30 so most people will try to help you out. But anyways part of it is that you are strong. But you can't live like that all your lives. I understand not to yell at world all the problems. Like I could never telk anything to my parents. But just someone
Thank you.
But I suppose… I suppose I am just reaching the last stop sooner than I though,
None of my family would understand, my friends don’t know what to say.
One of my friends who I decided to tell just dismisses it and makes me think about something else instead of tackling it, but I want it to be tackled rather than overseen…
Sissi, I have been on this road a long time myself. The crying clown are the best two words to describe me. Always the smiler, the jokester, the cut up. I have a funny reply always on hand to cheer up anyone or to make a room full of people ready to fight bust out laughing instead. But alone, I go through what you describe. A photographic memory makes me relive everything. Sometimes I feel as if there is a megaphone inside my skull, beside my brain that emits hysterical screams. And every memory is a scream, a lightning bolt that sears through my body. Im not sure why. But happy memories, sad memories, they all carry the same voltage of torture. And over time the mask starts to crack. The smile can turn into a sneer…
That’s how I feel right now… I just want it to end, is that so wrong of me?
Nah, you aren’t. It’s just hmm stop. Not final stop, sort of like thinking stop. And hey this page people have always been very understanding and kind. So that’s just how people (most of them) are in reality too. They just maybe don’t show that. And people umm often do not know what to say.
I mean what would you say to someone. There’s not really much to do.
Anyways hey you are strong, you will make it just fine
I think I’ll try talking to my friends about it, or atleast the few that I have left, I just… I just don’t want them thinking I died unhappy you know? And I feel like if they know about all this and I do commit suicide they’ll know for sure that I was unhappy…