Pointless

This picture is a symbol of the greatest thing any religion can teach: when things suck, pretend otherwise.

To me, that picture looks exactly the same as a person praying.

The only real difference is that the person should damn well know better. For the ostrich, the head is in the sand; for the person, the sand is in the head.

The irony, i guess, is that sometimes, burying one’s head in the sand, leads to having no better option for solace or comfort; pretend long enough, and it becomes necessary.

If you assume i’ve been surviving, then i suppose it’s understandable that it might look that way, from outside…

But i really haven’t been surviving. I stopped surviving years ago. I just couldn’t do it anymore. I’m only alive because a few others fear the grief, anguish, and guilt they would encounter, had they turned their back on me and allowed me to die.

The few who provide my survival, do so only for their own benefit, while claiming it’s for mine, while proving they have no intention of changing any of the few things i’d need them to change, in order to actually save my life. They want me to be grateful for the gift of their fish, rather than teaching me to catch my own. And i don’t know anyone who will teach me how to build a fishing boat. And i have no idea how i’d get the required tools and materials, even if someone did teach me how to build boats.

However, i certainly have attempted the ostrich method, numerous times. It’s just that this method never worked for me. I can’t do the whole “pretend everything is/will-be okay” for any length of time.

@persephone:

I usually skip the other stuff; coffee, smoke, straight to SP.

I “could,” hypothetically, do things to help myself; the problem is that i am incompatible with the options available to me. I cannot sustain those options; i even have great difficulty in even initiating pursuit of those options, let alone actually being accepted (hired) into any of them. Most people accuse me of just not wanting to do it, as if that is the only problem; the real problem is that even if i psyche myself up and try, i am not what any employer is looking for, AND, i already know i won’t be able to sustain any low-level employment, for various reasons. I have attempted to explain those reasons to people, so many times, for so long… and it’s like they just don’t hear me. It’s like they only here “wah, i don’t wanna!!!” When in fact, i am more than willing to do things i’d rather not do, if only i were able, if only anyone would hire me, if only there were any employment available that didn’t involve a plethora of completely arbitrary and discriminatory “rules.” In my area, it’s very likely that i could be fired from most jobs just for being atheist, which i think is technically illegal, but would happen anyway, and would be excused as something else, like “insubordination” or “dress code” or… whatever. Shit is so corrupt around here… and i can’t help but consider that’s not only “around here.” It’s probably like that everywhere.

As for companionship… i strongly doubt anyone would handle me… though some probably could, if they had a reason… like if i could offer financial security and a reliably high degree and frequency of sexual satisfaction, while also not doing anything any typical woman’s friends would convince her is “weird” or “wrong” or “bad.” From my experiences, what a girl’s friends think is often even more important than her own thoughts and feelings. Gotta maintain that image…

But OTOH, i can’t completely disagree with such ways, because “having a nice life” does seem to rank a bit higher than “being a good person.”

My cynicism leads me toward the inclination to believe that “most people” would choose a nice life, over being a good person… and those who seem to evangelize “being a good person,” often do so primarily because the “have a nice life” option is not available to them; so they act like their own choice is “better,” even though they’re only acting like it’s “better” because what they would prefer to choose, is unavailable. They would change their tune, given different options.

Of course, exceptions apply… but, you know… “most people.”

@limbo:

I think if the rest of the world could see the real U.S., they’d be mortified, and probably feel like fools for believing the fanciful images portrayed by media. Then again, i realize pro-U.S. sentiment has globally decreased in recent years. Maybe the truth wouldn’t surprise anyone all that much.

Suffice to say: it’s not what it’s said to be.

The problems are complex and numerous, and most people seem unwilling to acknowledge reality, often preferring the “head in the sand” (or sand in the head) approach.

I would guess there are isolated pockets where life can be good… but so many of the problems come down to money and opportunity, both of which are portrayed as plentiful, while the reality is quite contrary.

From my research, i’ve discovered that there is no place, of which i am aware, where i could go and have “the life i want.” It might seem like i just have excessive expectations or fantastical desires, but i really don’t. Even my most realistically minimized ideals seem impossible. I basically have to lie to myself (which is something i despise, in both myself, and others), just to think there is any slight hope at all. But that doesn’t even work. I spend most of my time without hope of any kind, essentially just waiting for the bottom to fall out; waiting to die.

Moving isn’t really an option. Moving costs an outrageous amount of money that i have no way of making.

I could compose an elaborate description of what my ideal life might be… but the problem is that observable reality shows that nothing i want, nothing that would be worthwhile, is actually available to me. What do i want to do with my life? Who knows. Most of the good years are already gone, lost to tedium and futility. My life has always sucked, despite my best efforts. I don’t think “what i want to do with my life” is even relevant anymore, because it is quite clear that everything i could want, is actually out of reach. Without being allowed to select from any of what i actually want… none of what i want to do with my life is even available, and i feel i’ve already suffered too much damage, too many setbacks, and it is ultimately already too late to do anything to salvage what remains.

To simplify as much as possible:

I guess all i really want to do with my life, is live it. I just want to be able to live. I just want to be able to create wealth, but without causing myself or anyone else more damage than it’s worth. That doesn’t seem to be an option. It seems like anything i could gain, would cost far too much, and would ultimately destroy the very goals efforts would be meant to achieve. Every one of my options will destroy me faster than it will help me. If attempting to save myself causes self-destruction, then there’s no point. I have seen this scenario play out repeatedly. I never have the opportunity to change what needs changing.

“the US have the means to make it better but chooses not to…”

But that’s just it, “the US” is not some unified entity all working in cooperation toward a common goal. The irony is that the “united states” are anything But “united.” The federal gov’t and the “banksters” have all the power; they decide whatever they want, regardless of the rest of us… and then they make it look like “we’re all in this together!” as if to portray some sort of image to the rest of the world.

You do realize that “high/middle class” are NOT the majority, right? And yet, these are the people we show to the rest of the world: our lucky, our privileged, our sheltered…

And sure, the bottom line is worse elsewhere, but that’s not the point. The point is that for all the fantastical BS the US tries to portray to the rest of the world, there is a HUGE gap between that and what is reality for the vast majority of people here.

We are a shattered nation full of ignorance and despair. The rest of the world seems to think we have it so good over here, but most of us really don’t. The lucky few, however, really do.

Anyway…

I am actually pretty interested in the tech realm, and i’ve attempted to embark upon a completely independent learning journey, in relation to web design and programming… but while i realize most of the information i need, does actually exist for free “somewhere on the internet,” one of my major problems is sorting through all the “noise,” to find what i need to find, when i need to find it.

Sure, if you’re waving digital cash at your monitor, itching to buy something, it’s easy to find what you’re looking for. That’s that wonderful consumerism at work. There’s huge money in dropping the product people want right in their faces, right at the moment they’re ready to buy it.

But go looking for something more? Something you can use to actually become a better and more capable person? Nope! that stuff is buried under Petabytes of garbage, and you have to read countless paragraphs of below-amateurish writing about ludicrous ignorance-based opinions, just to be able to locate the morsels of useful knowledge. It’s all so goddamn prohibitively tedious. I feel like i spend most of my time skimming over tired BS, trying not to miss the good parts in the process, than i spend actually learning things.

I get totally overwhelmed by this process, because it “steals” about 90% of my energy, then i get discouraged because it feels like i’ll never get anywhere this way, and then it feels like just another style of futility… and i can’t stand feeling like i’m persisting in futility. That’s what i’m trying to avoid by attempting to better myself. But then it overloads me and i lose my motivation and ability to concentrate, and then i find myself here again, wasting more energy… because honestly, what else is there? (that’s a rhetorical question…)

Maybe younger people “don’t need an education” for highly technical stuff like programming and web design… but i feel like i need some sort of direction, some sort of structured learning, some sort of process or methodology… a mentor (who actually knows their field) would be ideal. College never was and never will be an option for me. It costs too much time and money just to be able to prepare to begin college. I never had that opportunity (in “the land of opportunity!”), and now it’s too late. I need a focused, accelerated solution. I need a crash course, and not just to drop an encyclopedia of disjointed information into my brain, which i could never hope to retain… but with a method that can be applied to everything, so that it can be figured out along the way, as needed.

“Mutatis Mutandis” applied to higher learning. “Change only what needs changing.” And what needs changing is that i need a way to access the information i need, without it costing so much time and energy, so that i can spend that time and energy on actually learning the stuff, instead of it all being wasted on attempting to find it. My time and energy is misspent, because i cannot access a better way. Meanwhile, my life is passing, unlived, and there is little, if anything i can do about it. I get to the point where i don’t see much difference between trying as hard as i can, and just doing absolutely nothing, and attempting to attain a semblance of peace, while awaiting my inevitable death. But it’s nearly impossible to be peaceful while filled with the desire to change what i lack the access to the resources to change, or with the desire to acquire those resources, or the access to them. It feels like it will take a million steps to move an inch. What is the point of moving an inch? It’s almost the same as being exactly where i am. I might as well just sit still and wait for more time to pass… even knowing i will eventually explode with relentless intention toward the changes i’ve never been able to manifest… only to once again be so easily flung past my breaking point, into helpless hopelessness, needing yet another break again.

I don’t really subscribe to the notion of “political correctness” as it is presented and commonly misunderstood to represent. OTOH, i think “political correctness” should be understood literally: being correct about one’s interpretation and understanding of politics. For example: i like “conservative government,” but “civil liberties.” That means i am both a con and a lib, but people misunderstand what the terms actually represent. The gov’t should stay as small and efficient as possible, enabling what we need, but getting out of our way, and letting us do whatever we want, as long as we’re not hurting each other. But people go around calling themselves labels they misunderstand, and opposing others based on labels, and it’s all messed up, due to “lexical dissonance” (people are confused about what words mean and then use them incorrectly, which establishes the precedent which disrupts and corrupts communication…)

If the gov’t has to grow a bit to provide things, fine. But NEVER should any organization be allowed to tell people they’re not allowed to do something they enjoy, if it isn’t actually harming anyone else. Yet, we have ridiculous unjust laws for the populous, while corporations and banksters are allowed to get away with what is tantamount to genocide and slavery. It’s fucking bullshit! And there’s no way to fix it. And there’s nowhere to go, and no way to get there, if there were a destination to reach.

The only available option to acquire enough wealth to have personal freedom, is to exploit others. Land of opportunity indeed.

What i want to accomplish, while possible, would be seen as implausibly ambitious, by most. My main project idea is pretty epic, and i doubt i will ever have a chance to actually make it happen. Someone will beat me to it, and then i’ll have to envision something else. And then someone will beat me to that as well.

So, despite knowing many things i’d like to do, what is most important is that my efforts translate to the gains i desire. If i can’t get what i want, which is what i deem minimally acceptable to continue this life, then i don’t want to continue. People easily misunderstand what i mean by “if i can’t get what i want.” I’m honestly tired of clarifying and submitting to the need for valid justification, in order to access the approval of others who cannot understand. I don’t need anyone’s approval to validate or justify what i want. If i can’t get what i want, i’m out! That’s my call, regardless of whether it upsets anyone.

So idk. I want to do lots of things, but time and energy and learning and equipment, gear i need to even begin, costs more money than i can make in a reasonable amount of time, or a reasonable amount of effort. Everything is too hard and takes too long, and doesn’t pay enough, and costs too much. There is no option available to me, to acquire enough monetary surplus, to enable myself to pursue what i feel would be worthwhile. So that translates to: the only thing worthwhile is the pursuit of wealth, because i can’t do shit until i have enough to buy the equipment i need, and also have all my time to myself, to spend on those worthwhile pursuits.

So at this point, i don’t know. Maybe i don’t really want to do anything at all, because everything costs too much (more than just money), and i can’t make enough money (or time or energy) to do anything worth doing.

I won’t fight to gain or keep that which i do not desire. I won’t fight for something i don’t want. And i don’t see any way to achieve what i actually do want… so until there is a way to achieve any of that, it’s not really possible, which means that from the remaining choices, from which i must select… i don’t really want anything.

There is plenty of stuff i would like to do… but my efforts must translate to a surplus of monetary resources, or it’s not worth doing, and cannot be sustained.

My once relentless, incessant will, has eroded, and all but disintegrated.

My grandparents used to say: “where there’s a will, there’s a way!”

And while that’s an admirable stance to take, i spotted the inconsistency in it, at a very early age. You can’t just “will” things into being a certain way… you can’t just “will” already occurred events, to un-occur. You can’t change what you can’t change, no matter how intensely you “will it.” It is impossible to “believe hard enough” or “want it bad enough,” because no amount of wishing or believing or wanting, ever makes anything happen; it takes Action to produce results.

They also used to say: ” ‘can’t’ never could do nothin’!” As if to personify “can’t” into an entity who fails due to incorrectly believing it is incapable.

But what happens when the actions to produce the desired results, are unavailable?

When you “can’t,” no amount of sheer force of will, will manifest a way.

So, when you “can’t,” there isn’t a way. Because you can’t. Success is only based on “will,” when ability is actually present; when the actions required to produce gains, are available.

Eventually, the affliction of lack of ability, lack of access, and perpetual depressive deterioration, has finally eroded my will. I don’t see anything i want that is actually available to me. I see everything i want that actually exists, is out of reach, beyond my ability. I’ve seen this clearly, for long enough that i’ve been through the process of trying to sheer-force-of-will things to happen, because there were no other options.

Guess what. It doesn’t work! There is a will, but no way. The things i want so badly it drives me mad with desire, and ineffable frustration from being unable to reach… i cannot want them any more badly. What i want, i want as much as i can possibly want anything… but “wanting it bad enough” has never once caused me to gain anything, without being combined with a viable means of action to produce it.

I’ve been told by various teachers, throughout my school years, that i “should be a writer.” I don’t know, though. I think i should write… but i don’t think i know how to “be a writer.” I’m not really educated for composition. I just have a firm grip of the language, and a way with words. I have no idea (okay, i have “an idea or two”) how to monetize my writings. I don’t know how to translate thought, time, energy and keystrokes, into dollars. I don’t know how to do anything that is capable of producing enough income for me to fix what money can fix… and i would need to get at least that far, before i could begin to fix any of the rest of this.

I feel like it would require at least one million dollars, just to make a good start.

And i mean, a small piece of land in an area of my choosing, a modest house, a reliable vehicle, dental work (and this is a huge one), and all the equipment necessary to pursue the few worthwhile things i would be doing, if i had money to do so, and wasn’t so cripplingly depressed all the time.

Plus, you know, people want to read what “experts” have to say… or something fantastically entertaining… i doubt many people would want to know what “a loser like me” thinks, about anything. I have no expertise, no success, and no authority on any topic. I’m just not that interested in any one specific topic to become an expert on anything. And even if i were, people would want to see a degree, or a best-selling work, or some sort of “evidence” to stand as a precedent to my credibility. With so much disinformation and people trying so hard to obfuscate the very things i’m trying to clarify, it would be nearly impossible for me to build any credibility at all.

But yeah. You might say i’ve “thought about it.”

People read tweets. They get upset when they have to read more than a paragraph. If i write a comment that’s long enough to cover most of the page, or more… people accuse me of “being so full of myself” or complain about “walls of text.” As if nothing anyone could ever want to say, could ever possibly take THAT many words… even though these things called “books” exist, and are usually exponentially longer than any web-comment i’ve ever written. Some even have multiple volumes.

/shrug.

I have catcher in the rye sitting in my desk drawer… it’s been there for months. I made it to chapter 7 (actually, to the end of chapter 6, without starting 7…), and haven’t been able to force myself to continue it.

It’s an excruciating read. I like the imagery it has delivered so far (which is probably mostly my interpretation of it), but the writing itself is… almost unbearable.

I sometimes feel tempted, and sometimes yield to that temptation, to go ahead and claim the title of “philosopher,” but it just feels so… uncomfortably pretentious. Calling myself “a philosopher” tends to upset people with simpler minds, as if they think the mere title represents a veiled condescension, and that it means “i’m better than you” if i say i am a philosopher. So i kinda don’t like calling myself that… even though that’s exactly what i am.

I’ve certainly heard “the empty can rattles the most” … which happens to be a quoted saying from a metallica song called “my friend of misery.” Which is actually one of the few songs i really like from the black album, even though i tend to refrain from mentioning any of that album, because it represents the end of an era, and the death of what that band once was, which is who and what they were, when discovering them was such a profoundly inspiring and enriching experience. “Justice” was easily their best album… and that’s probably because it came from the loss of cliff burton. That album is… well, it’s honestly a masterpiece.

Although, that “the empty can rattles the loudest/most” is a bit of a slippery slope, because it can easily “slide” into the similar notion/saying about “those who speak the most, know the least…” or however it goes. I think lots of people know far more, and actually have a lot more to say, than anyone gives them credit for, and it’s impossible to appropriately condense and concentrate and simplify it all into a nice, neat, concise, eloquent phrase, easy for the simple minds to appreciate. And that’s why so many “witticisms” exist, and why so many of them don’t hold up under even mild scrutiny.

As “a musician” (i have earned that title, just like “philosopher,” through less-official and less-conventional means), i don’t require anyone to produce a degree in music, in order for them to claim the title “musician.” I simply need to see that they actually understand what “musically valid” means. They don’t even have to currently practice an instrument. They just have to have a thoroughly developed appreciation of music, that i can discern by conversing with them, or listening to any of their recordings, or having them critique the build-quality or nuance of their chosen instrument.

They don’t have to be “professional,” they don’t have to receive monetary compensation, or perform for crowds. There are many musicians in the world who play almost entirely for themselves, and even some who are still technically “musicians,” who do not even play for themselves, anymore.

The typical person is not a musician, and is not qualified to know “what is good and musically valid.” The typical person is not “a philosopher,” and is not qualified to understand many of the more complex and nuanced notions that philosophers often explore.

I never called myself a doctor, and i never called myself a psychologist. I never said i was a professional. But “philosophy” is actually something i do, and have done most of my life, because it’s just naturally part of who i am. It’s not about the title at all. And like i said, i’m often conflicted about the title, not because it upsets the professionals, but because it makes the normals feel like i’m being condescending toward them.

I find it ridiculous, and incredibly ironic, that any “real philosopher” who has obtained a PhD, would whine about people without a PhD calling themselves philosophers. That’s rich. lol. Surely any philosopher “worth his salt,” understands that the conventional, orthodox, “pre-fab” academia process, is not “what makes a philosopher.” If anything, those people have missed the point, and are trying to wave their degree in people’s faces, in order to feel superior. I usually avoid the title, because i don’t like making inferior people feel inferior. See the difference? Any real philosopher would know that formal course completion is not the be-all end-all of philosophy; it’s just a document that can help you get paid to think. I don’t get paid to think… but i often wonder if i could find a way to set up my own business to monetize the process of putting my thoughts into writing. I wonder how many interesting items i could sell on a “shade tree philosophy blog.” I wonder if i could write a book that causes so much social and political disruption that i get assassinated and my book “deep-sixed.”

Plenty of people have, through their own pursuits, efforts and experiences, “earned” various titles, even without following whatever arbitrary formal system people tend to mistakenly believe is the only valid path to understanding or achievement.

If things had been appropriate during my childhood and adolescence, i would probably have ended up with a PhD. My life was ruined from the beginning, because i was born to parents who didn’t understand the world, and an extended family full of theists, in various impoverished “ghetto” environments. I grew up to be what my environment allowed me to become… which wasn’t much of anything, and isn’t enough for anyone, including myself.

So, despite my lack of official doctorate, i’m far more deserving of the title of philosopher, and am not just claiming it arbitrarily. I have “earned it,” but through a different means than those who were lucky enough to be born into circumstances that allowed them to pursue higher Formal education. I’ve certainly met plenty of people who have completed college, but still seem oblivious to reality. Like, i don’t understand how anyone who has a degree can still believe a god exists. That’s baffling, astonishing, to me. Just because someone has specialized “knowledge” and training that they paid thousands of dollars to receive, that doesn’t mean they’re more intelligent… and just because i lacked the good fortune to follow the course of obtaining a PhD, that doesn’t mean i’m not a philosopher. I’m just not a Doctor, which is something i never claimed, or even wanted to be.

And?