what to do

i really don’t know what to do with myself and my life i mean lol i’ve diagnosed myself with paranoid schizophrenia i hear voices all the time (2 to be exact) i’ve had this ailment from about the time my mother passed away when i was 14 going in to 15 at first the voices helped me to cope with her loss and to bear with my other family and mental abuse i got when i was growing up from my father’s replacement woman sigh…. it was cool i was able to cope laugh at myself and move on now i’m 24 and these voices start to rule over me….. i can’t do anything without them criticizing me its sending me mad…… i came close to doing it yesterday…. sometimes i drink a lot to cover up the voices and well for the life off me i can’t recall how i reached back home think i walked back i hope no one i knew saw me cause i could tell i was a mess the next day the voices preyed on this nagging me for the whole of yesterday u fucking failure u washed up c*nt your mom would be so proud haha idk yes i thought about doing it but like i had a panic attack was weird i was able to contain myself after but idk how much longer i can take living with this i want out i want out i can’t take this idk what to do i keep on hoping that someone will come into my life or something that will improve it haha your right at this point all i had was my hope but its like gone totally gone i tried counselling once when i was doing my degree but in my part of the world counselling is so taboo and i couldn be fully honest with the psychiatrist i’m afraid that if i really tell them whats going on they’ll send me to a mental home at the time they diagnosed me with mild depression haha if they only knew i couldn eat at the time and all i did was sleep and drink to limit the voices i hear….. i can’t deal with it anymore i mean i’m able to hide this condition well i think i still have friends and such but not as much as i used to i’m so awkward around people but i’ve twisted it so its like part of my persona but hiding this keeping this mask up is so hard idk i want this to stop i want to be normal again before i do something stupid