Why?

I can’t answer that question clearly. Counselors have asked but I never had a reasonable or “good” response. It’s hard to explain to most people that you’ve never been loved or cared for. It’s hard for most people to fathom not being able to trust a living soul. Some assume that I am mentally ill and have some kind of schizophrenia because I am unable to connect with others. No, I am not mentally ill in the sense that I have some kind of problem dealing with reality. If I am considered mentally ill it would be because I have been put through the wringer and back again. I have no reason to trust anyone. Every person who has ever supposed to love or care for me has not just let me down but deliberately and systematically tried to destroy me.

My mother is a child molesting abuser who has hated me since I was a little girl. She molested me and allowed others to do the same. I am the youngest of 11 children and was mentally, physically and sexually abused for most of my life. (Those are just the siblings I know about. My parents were freaks who had regular orgies and affairs. My mother had other children she gave up. I wish everyday that I was one of them.) When I tried to stop the sexual abuse by reporting it she began mentally and physically abusing me. Again, my family joined in on what they obviously thought was fun. Many times they locked me out of the house overnight. My mother would then report me to social services and say that I was a delinquent child. I was everyone’s whipping post. It’s strange to me how social services noticed only what she reported. I guess they didn’t get news of the black eyes, bruises and multiple injuries I suffered. School officials turned their heads. A few of them taunted me about being a “poor little bastard”. Back then little mixed kids were nothing but garbage I guess. Coming from a poor family with a long history of delinquency and criminal behavior didn’t help. I have always been treated like nothing.

I ended up being abused by an older boy I met at the age of 10 and pregnant by him at the age of 12. No surprise there.  The first time I got punched in the mouth and knocked off of my own front porch my sister told me I was stupid. It was my fault. I was 10 years old. When I tried to get away from the guy my family would let him into the house to beat me. If I called the police they told them I started all the trouble. Again, I guess the police thought I was garbage too because no one seemed to think it was wrong for this older guy to be beating up on a little girl.

Long story short, my mother told me she wished he had killed me. I had to move with a friend to get away from him. By then I had another child. She was 3 months old when I left my mother’s house at 15 and refused to go back.  I became involved with the friend who let me stay with his family. We were arguing about some small thing one day and he bit me all over my body leaving nasty, deep bruises that were so dark they were black. I thought I was going to die that day. Not the first time I felt that way. My children’s father left me with permanent damage to my hip, spine and shoulder. The mental trauma is the worst of it all.

I have constant flashbacks and nightmares. It’s as if all of it happened last week instead of 30 years ago. I realize I’ll never be “normal”. I believe I am incapable of having a true close relationship with anyone. I guess my mother won. She wanted me to be alone, miserable and hated by everyone. She worked to isolate me from the world, malign my character and name.

My son is the only person on earth I care for anymore. I met a man who I thought loved me when I was 30. I believed him and that was a mistake but my son is here now and I love him. The only reason I am here is because of him. His father refuses to help with even a small amount of child support. He has taken up the torch and works to ruin my reputation. Everyone I have ever cared for makes up the most digusting stories about my character. One thing I’ve learned is that people love to hear dirt, no matter how incredible it is. No matter how I conduct myself my reputation is permanently damaged. Gossip has even made its way into the courts. I can’t ever press charges against anyone. I’m sure it affects my job prospects as well.

I’m just tired. Tired of fighting for my sanity, my freedom, my reputation. I have come to the conclusion that there must be something wrong with me. No one else seems to care. My own mother and siblings absolutely hate me. I have no true friends. I have been unable to maintain a close relationship with my 2 oldest children. They have been affected by all the dysfunction in my family and keep their distance. They behave as if I had nothing to do with raising them or keeping them alive. What they don’t realize is that I gave everything I had to raise them. I chose to give up my life to try and make theirs better than mine. It wasn’t enough. My oldest is brainwashed. She hates me and has some twisted allegiance with my horrible mother. My youngest acts like she doesn’t have a mother half of the time. Her husband has convinced her that turning her back on her mother is normal. I guess he figures once your parents have raised you they serve no purpose anymore. (His never took the time to raise him. I truly believe he’s jealous that my daughter even has a mother to turn to for help and advice. Can’t tell her that though. Then I’d be trying to start something right?) Let’s see how he feels if his children do the same.

There is no other conclusion other than I am flawed in some way, possibly cursed. I’m not sure if I believe in such things but my parents were involved in voodoo and devil worship as well. Maybe they offered my soul as a sacrifice or something. I don’t know. As crazy as it sounds I have to find some explanation for such a miserable life.

I constantly hear stories about people who go on to lead happy, productive lives after being abused. I’m sure there are millions out there who come from seriously dysfunctional families but lead normal lives. I can’t understand why I haven’t been able to do the same. I know I’m intelligent, good looking and have (used to anyway) a good personality but haven’t been able to find any happiness at all.

I have some time to go. My son is too young for me to leave him. I will wait until he is able to care for himself. I can’t leave him at the mercy of his twisted father or my cruel family. Who knows, if I am a little lucky just this once, he will need me to stick around for a while.

The first time I tried to commit suicide I was 10. I’ve tried it 3 times in my life and have decided that, if I am going to do it again, I will do it right. There will be no 5th attempt. I’m sure I’ll have plenty of people to gloat over my death and continue to talk about me like trash. At least I won’t be here to listen to all the garbage and lies anymore.