I am sad every day. Even though I’m smiling i am constantly fighting myself deep down in side I am sad. I have been hiding it for so many years, trying to fight this pain, trying to find something to live for so I don’t hurt the ones I love. For years I have been thinking of ways to do it without a mess, and without failing. But I have also been trying to live, trying to make something of myself so that I don’t want to die. I may have found happiness here and there, found something to keep my mind of wanting to leave but they have never lasted, relationships never last, good things never last. I tire of my job, I tire of living the same routine, why bother?
Everyone will die anyway and I think its my decision if I want to leave sooner. It’s not something I thought I should do because I had a bad day or a bad break up, its something that I have thought of for nearly 18 years now. Thats long enough to make a decision. I barely exist.
I hate everything, I hate this planet, I hate humans and all the horrible, sick disgusting things that we do. Theres too much death and too much pain, if the world were a better place and promises were real, sure I would stay. But humans just don’t care, the human race is evil and this planet is hell. And it’s just going to get worse. Porn, rape, torture, killing animals, killing children, violence is in our blood, the world will never be free of violence. I am ashamed to be a human, the right word for our species is DEMON. Death is eternal peace, heaven.
I just feel like a ghost floating through the darkness without a purpose, theres no magic, theres nothing, i am barely alive. Love is not real.
I am the only one to blame, so don’t go thinking, “I could have done something, I could have stopped this, I could have paid more attention, I could have helped… etc”. I tried to get help, I tried to fight my way out of this, believe me I tried so damn hard and I just couldn’t win. I have no friends, they all just come and go, and no guy will ever stay with a freak like me. Most days after work I just go home and sleep, everyone else has a family or a partner or a best friend. I come home, get hammered and sleep. Sure I could go out, make new friends, find a hobby, I have tried all that and failed over and over again. There are so many things I tried to achieve and I have always failed. Well I am sick of failing, I am done, its ok to give up. Some people can handle all this bullshit and some of us can’t, suicide is a natural thing, and if we can’t make our own decisions when we know what we want then thats not fair.
I know I’ll be happy that I’ll never have to hear something horrible again like some 2 year old being raped, or animals skinned alive. I’ll be happy that I will never have a broken heart again, I will be happy that I will never fail and humiliate myself again, I will be happy that I won’t ever have to worry about debt or bills, I’ll never feel scared, sad, lonely or angry again. Knowing that I can just put an end to it all just makes me so happy.
Joining this site and seeing so many people feel the same just makes it easier, makes it feel natural.
33 comments
You say it all very clearly and very well. Been there, still go there.
I decided to make a home for myself. A home with my pets who are loved, never hurt. A home filled with love. No, I’m not always happy and most of the time I chastise myself for not doing something more worthwhile.
But I’ve lasted almost 70 years as a suicidal person on this planet. So I think I deserve a place surrounded by Nature. The wonders of rain, sun, trees… Yes, humans are not an evolved species, but some are nice from time to time. I have decent, animal-loving neighbors
I’m single, never married, no children… I wouldn’t want to leave children behind in this violent place. Yet I’ve made it, an accomplishment in and of itself.
My contribution is to try to keep my 3 acres of forest a loving place, a safe place, a kind place, a peaceful place.
Perhaps someday you can do the same, for yourself and for this unevolved species called humans.
All the best, in what ever you choose. If you make it to the other side, I wish you peace. If you end up staying here, I hope you find a space of peace.
Love,
Vedura
”I am ashamed to be a human, the right word for our species is DEMON.” I agree completely. I also think humans are demons and this world is hell. I can’t believe so many people ignore the war, violence and disgusting things that are happening in this world. True friendship is also almost as non-existent as love. Real friend, the one that will stand by you through thick and thin. Doesn’t exist, not in this world. That’s why I have no friends. The last girl who was my friend betrayed me and since then I have no friends. Everyone is selfish and egotistical. Humans only care about themselves.
It’s a shame, such a shame… it could have been a beautiful life. But that would be from another life on another planet. I believe after death comes a better world and we go back where we originally come from. Which is definitely not this hellhole.
I’m with you, DeathDreamer. Although I dont’ think all humans are demons, I have many times considered that I’m living on planet Hell.
I also believe that I’m from another world, one I cannot even imagine given almost 70 years on Earth.
Perhaps we will see each other there someday and recall this post.
I have longed for home, which is why I made my 3 acres of land, that I struggled to own, and eventually live on, my home away from home.
I hear you. So many do not understand.
I would love to live in a forest far from civilization, and to have my own boat, and grow my own vegetables. But I could never do it alone. I’m like those birds that die without a partner… I’m glad you found your peace and have your own land. It must be much better than living in the city with money-obsessed zombies…
I would love it too, I would never be able to afford it though, money is always an obstacle for me, the more I make the more I owe. We can’t do much without any money can we?
I read somewhere, “Isn’t it odd that humans are the only species on this planet that has to pay money to live on it”. Well… unless you can live from the land, but for a young girl that’s very dangerous…
It doesn’t surprise me that humans use money, because many people believe in God. To me, money is absolutely valueless, like toilet paper. People are told to worship money, however, like God. They obey, of course, because if they do not worship money, they are threatened that they will be forced to live on the streets and die.
Sounds like an amazing place Vedura. I’m glad some good people on this planet can find their heaven without leaving.
@depressednihilist95 If only this human race just thought “hey why don’t we share it all and stop fighting and killing over it?”. I really don’t understand too much about politics and money but wouldn’t it be nice if it worked out nicely and we all just shared. lol yeah right
I think that is the problem, though. Most people don’t think.
Oh no they do think… but what they’re thinking is “ME ME ME ME ME, MONEY, EAT, IGNORE, TV, FACEBOOK, POPULARITY, BLA BLA BLA”!!!
It took me almost 70 years to find this peace on earth. I bought a used mobile home in 1980 and saved every penny I could. Then I was very fortunate to find my land. I did all my own contracting for a well, a septic (sewer) system, clearing, grading etc; then moved my mobile home out here. By the time I purchased the manufactured home I now live in, the floors were rotting out of my mobile home. When my manufactured home was in place, I had no money for landscaping. I lived surrounded by a mud bowl all winter. Then shrub by shrub, grass etc. I did my own landscaping.
It didn’t just happen. It was hard. And I did it on a waitress salary. That would be harder now. Things are so much more expensive. But find the right place and perhaps you can do the same.
None of my relationships with men have gone well. They all deceived or deserted me. Now I finally feel complete within myself. This is not an easy life and I wouldn’t ask anyone to live it if they feel they can’t. I simply wanted you to know that it’s possible, just in cse.
Thanks for sharing that, I really do appreciate it.
expectations lead to disappointments. why do we expect that others should be good? turn your vision backward. close the loop. let it start with you and end with YOU, instead of others. can you make this one compromise? can you become purely selfish?
all our reasoning regarding this ‘need of others’ ends with getting food. now, can’t we do that out of love instead of hate? just at this one place. to let go of our desire for justice and obtain our food with love even if the other is showing hate or doing something wrong. and other than that we are completely on our own.
“In this world Hate never yet dispelled hate, Only love dispels hate. This is the law, Ancient and inexhaustible” – Buddha
(just thoughts i’m thinking now-a-days. don’t know if they will work practically)
I really don’t know what to say to that.
eternalrest, you are most welcome. I feel a kindred spirit in your sincerity of struggle. I cannot tell you what to do or which way to go. That is your decision. I do hope you find the peace you deserve. My life is not perfect, but perhaps better than most, and liveable. I have spent most of my life alone. That is not natural for a human being, and not easy. But I prefer being alone to being in a discordant relationship. My pets have enriched my life greatly and are a constant comfort and source of sharing love. These are words from an elder person. You are young, and deserve so much from life.
Surely someone (/something) is enjoying all of this; it’s like we were designed for a torturous existence, to plod along while suffering, and eventually just die… It can’t all be the result of some blind evolutionary process – no, that just does not make sense; someone must be enjoying the suffering, the torment, going on in this planet. It’s f**ked up it is – right now, likely a baby being raped; an abused child trying to commit suicide; people just living a tormented life. Some calling on some god for help – nope, we’re on our own here; get through this f**ed-up existence, end it if you’ve exceeded your capacity to endure, and, please don’t reproduce (further)!
Some sicko that looks like santa claus that lives in the clouds?
Um, good people do exist, but they are rare.
People are not demons, although many, if not most, are often influenced by them. Just ask my wife.
And what really makes you so sure whats going to happen once you die? What you believe? Evidently most people on this earth are wrong (with all the different opinions/beliefs).
For me it is the Christian point of view. We live after death, but where and how depends on whether or not you accept God and acknowledge Him as your Savior.
You have a purpose here like everyone else. Don’t ask me what mine is, coz I really don’t know.
But God saved me that night when I took 30 Ambien and went down face first in dark water and remained like that until I was found some 1.5 hours later. People usually drown in 2-3 minutes.
You have a purpose too.
This life is now what really matters. Compare to eternity, this life is a piece of dust.
I wish the best for you. I have read your posts a lot and see you suffer.
However, the reality is you might not end up in a better place should you commit suicide.
So who made you right? How can you say most people on this earth are wrong? Pick up a book and read something educational, watch zeitgeist, WAKE UP!
What makes you so sure that I will live after death if i accept him as my saviour? SHOW ME PROOF
Show me your evidence, and until you are able to show this evidence go preach somewhere else.
Your soul is not some magical entity that will last after death. Sheesh… Yeah humans are magical and will float around like angels when we accept God into our hearts, that big man watching us in the sky that looks like santa claus. Why can’t we just float around now then?
Religion is a man-made lie, its there to control and scare all the gullible people.
God loves you so much that he created hell just in case you don’t love him back…? “LOVE ME OR BURN FOREVER!!!”
During your 10 minute prayer:
114 children will starve to death
23 children will be forced into slavery
15 people will commit suicide
13 people will be raped
10 people will be murdered
3 people will die in war
So instead of wasting time, why don’t you gather all your christian brothers and sisters and stop this horrible mess? Or shall we just pray?
I don’t believe that almost all people are bad. Many have to be at least okay in the sense that they aren’t inherently evil, even if they are no angels. Perhaps the world itself just isn’t a very good place to live in, or some of us just don’t belong here. Similarly to what you said, I too feel that some can simply handle the b***** while some can’t and just ask “What am I even doing here?”.
Because the Bible ays so and the Bible is the word of God. and all instructions and answers to life are within.
if you dont like it,,,,,, you know where door is 🙂
Yeah some mad man fairy tale found in the desert, written by idiots that were just making shit up to entertain themselves. There are no instructions or answers I have read that piece of crap. Its full of and sick hatred and violence.
The bible even tells you what to eat and what not to eat. You aren’t allowed to eat geoducks, which is further proof that god likes penises. Also, I’m pretty sure people living in the state of Maine are abominations since they really like eating geoducks.
evidently you are as well.
nor do i care to debate anything with you, so enjoy the night on here. bye!!! 🙂
By the way I am a stupid ass christian idiot that has no idea whats goin on here, i only join this site to get attention and i am entertained by suicidal people
Here are your answers and instructions:
PSALM 137:9
“Happy shall they be who take your little ones and DASH THEM AGAINST THE ROCK!”
1 TIMOTHY 2:12
“I permit no woman to teach or to have authority over a man: She is to keep silent”
JEREMIAH 19:9
“And I will make them eat the flesh of their sons and the flesh of their daughters, and all shall eat the flesh of their neighbours in the siege, and the distress with which their enemies and those who seek their life afflict to them.” (cool zombie apocalypse)
1 PETER 2:18
“Slaves, accept the authority of your masters with all deference, not only those who are kind and gentle but also those who are harsh. For it is to your credit if, being aware of god, you endure pain while suffering unjustly” …. WOW…
LEVITICUS 18:22
“You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; is is an abomination”
YEAH SURE YOU ARE RIGHT… YOUR GOD TRULY LOVES US…
@lorax
I’m scared to find out how geoducks reproduce! I hope that it’s not like that Sega Dreamcast game, ‘Seaman’.
Do not pay any attention to anyone unless they are a “True Christian”. “True Christians” will call women “pure filth”, or “”whores”, and generally berate any woman who has the audacity to think for herself and defy her man.
To be a “True Christian” you need to need be a brain dead idiot who listens to your man and (heaven forbid) questions anything.
You’ll find True Christians here. They’ll be the one’s whose wife left them.
oh god seaman ruined my childhood they had it down at the arcade/theatre when i was little and my brother would play it and i just stood there and oh my god
@wifeisgone are you actually a marine biologist!!!?!?!!
Seaman ruined your childhood? He tainted your…..uh, seafood? Too salty?
seaman, you mean the n64/dreamcast game? haha
Im christian, i dont really care for the bible or for a god nor do i believe yes ieat meat on good friday because im a badasslike that
Im christian, i dont really care for the bible or for a god nor do i believe in church yes i eat meat on good friday because im a badass like that
I mean sure when i was younger i did believe but as i matured i started to realise if there was a higher being what has he ever done for me? I constantly wake each day and ask myself why im still here, why am i still suffering? Why must this so called “GOD” make me feel this pain everyday of my life? taking from me everything i care about, the love of my life, my best friend, my cousin, even as i speak hes taking my mother the only other woman whom ill love forever the woman who brought me into this world and raised me to be who i am today, i will not put my faith will into something that we cannot prove ever existed in the first place. I will believe when i see the sins of the world washed away.