In four days, it will all have been an entire year.
One year since I nearly commited suicide.
One year since I found my girlfriend here and she saved me.
And it’s that date, 27th of January, that I chose to make my final decision: Wether to live, or to die.
really quick recap of my life so far: I’m 17 years old. I’ve never been really a happy child and have a mother who expects a lot of me (though that has gotten better for some reason). My dad is a weird old person who lost his dad when he was twelve and his sister to suicide (he never forgave her). He uses morphine to surpress his chronic backpain and has been diagnosed with cancer and is cured.
The cancer is genetical and I haven’t been tested yet because it would be unethical to test someone under 18.
I am and always have been an outsider. I listen to extreme forms of metal, dress that way and behave that way. It’s a place I feel at home (in music).
When it comes to love, I’m a huge softy. It makes me irrational. I’ve only ever had one girlfriend, all my other few attempts have failed and left me scarred. (I know it’s not that extreme, but it hurts me, I feel like nobody truly wants me).
Last time I was rejected I ended up suicidal and ended up here. My ex-girlfriend saved me from killing myself and stayed with me till december. She broke up with me because she cheated me with another guy and quickly after formed a relationship with him I only found out today.
4 more days to make up my mind, but the way it’s looking right now, I’ll know what the decision will be..
9 comments
Was just talking about this with someone recently..
Sure, heartbreak hurts and rejection hurts. But essentially, what is seems evident is that you do not love yourself so how can you expect anyone to love you? Is it reasonable to ask someone for that?
I suppose in the long-run your partner will end up loving you more than she loves herself and more than you love you. But if you don’t find yourself appealing, you can’t really expect someone else to in the first place. You can’t always rely on others to make you feel better. You have to find a way to be happy with you are before you can be happy with someone else (in my opinion at least).
Similarly to you, after my first break up, I felt very broken even though I was the one who called it off. The person had started developing feelings for another while I was gone and few days after we broke up they got together. I think what bothered me the most was that I always saw them and they were always openly affectionate.. perhaps it wouldn’t have bothered me so much if I could have shaked them from my thoughts.
But to get to the point, it hurts now but won’t always will. Finding another girlfriend to replace the heartbreak that is already there won’t work – only time will heal. The pain you feel now shows that you truly loved these people.. you can’t force something if it’s not “meant to be”. Sometimes when you fall in love with a person and you prolong it when it’s not going to work, you become dependent on them being there and then eventually you can’t see yourself without them even though it’s doing neither of you any justice because you could be happier with someone else.
I’d lay off the music, you can see why I think that if you look up my comment on the recent “Music” post.
Four days right? Spend those last days being bold, courageous and confident. Don’t be afraid to speak your mind.. If you think you only have 4 days left, what do you have to lose? Perhaps you may discover something worthwhile in that time..
With respect to your dad, I suppose you he could not forgive his sister because he couldn’t let her go. In the end it is selfish to ask a person who cannot cope to live just so you don’t have to face losing them.
Ravanys, what were you thinking 4 days before you met your last girlfriend here? In five days life could be better or worse. Which ever it is this community is here for you.
The question I have is wether I want to go through with the rythm of falling in love , getting heartbroke, having to repair myself, falling in love again…
It’s not about what I feel now and if it could get better, it’s about what I feel now and what I will probably feel soon after getting better in a vicious circle.
Sorry to hear you had to deal with yet another cheater.
Try and think of a future you can have. Not all women are whores. I found a great one now….. even better than what I could have expected.
Just have hope.
I hung in there for 5 months, you can too.
There is always hope when you are alive.
You can have a great future if you want it.
Take it from someone who has gone through hell, a hell most will never begin to approach.
Maybe it’s just some fantastical ideal, but I think when you truly fall in love, all of the past heartbreaks seem insignificant and worth it.. What’s a few heart breaks compared to the potential of being happy with someone for the rest of your life? I guess you have to come up with your answer to that.
Honestly you are just starting to live at 17-18… hopefully something will change your mind about your deadline, a woman who cheats is not worth losing your life for (even if she saved you in the first place)
@Eturion: the problem there is that if you’ve had enough heartbreaks and you fall in love with “the one” you can be so broken that you’d just throw that away even without wanting it. I don’t really agree with the “you can’t love others if you don’t love yourself”, i think it should go more along the lines of “you can’t love others if you are so utterly broken that you can’t cope with yourself” haha.
I wasn’t implying that wasn’t so. Ravanys has gone through 1 true heartbreak, yes? It’s a bit early in the game to give up is what I’m saying.
Also I think you need to be at least content with yourself as an individual before trying to involve someone else in your life.. otherwise I don’t think it will go well. It’s ridiculous if you need to rely on someone to provide you happiness.. it’s like feeding off another person! So if you can’t give back the happiness you’ve taken from them, well you’re both doomed.
Also, kudos to the author, Ravanys. At least you had the courage to put yourself out there and try.. and that is what I consider to be admirable. Don’t let rejection keep you down.
@Eturion: I wasn’t talking about a “parasite-host” kind of relationship, those never end right as you say, but you said the right word “content” with yourself is not really loving yourself, maybe i take those old sayings a bit to literal at times haha. And you can give back love even if you don’t love yourself, but that’s a whole different story.
I believe Ravanys mentioned he has tried other times and has been left scarred, i believe those too count as heartbreaks, but yup… as you say trying is already admirable, and well… rejection is just a normal thing, hope he can cope with it instead of just giving up