how the hell is it already april?
i’m so scared.
posted this a few months ago, made a few edits. Feeling alone and misunderstood.
Where is the sunshine?
The end of the pain?
Because I am damaged,
I can’t stand in the rain.
The skies have been dark.
The wind is still whipping.
How am I standing?
What keeps me from tipping?
Because i am damaged,
My limbs tatered and broken,
The life that lived in me
Is now slowly chokin (g).
The storm pushes on with violence and fury.
My leaves are all falling,
Like the snow in a flurry.
The Fogs moving in,
My vision is blury.
If the sunshine is coming
I wish it would hurry.
No where to turn,
No where to go.
Im beat up, run down, and standing alone,
Even in this forrest that i call my home.
Ive always been told “You’re full of potential”.
But i was planted carelessly
Nothing to support growth.
Where can i go?
Where can i turn?
How long can i stand
The feeling of hopelesness continues to churn.
The rain pounds the ground
Like that of a hammer.
Loosening the soil
In an unsystematical manner.
And im am thinking do i even really matter?
Because i am damaged,
My roots half exposed,
Should i give up
Or keep posing a pose?
If the storm stops
Will you poke, at the vulnerability of my roots?
Or will look closely,
To notice my fruits?
i am, by all accounts, a survivor, an old school member of this place, and it gets better it gets so much better that i drink, just co i can fall asleep, that my writing talent, the book im going to write, is used up here and on members via email. my way out is a book i can never write, but hay, it gets better,it always gets better…
Why do you cause me pain?
why do nothing when I cry?
Why do you break my heart?
Am I not good enough for you?
I search for you throughout my day, I work hard so I can come home to see you, I strive for your love but you don’t see, you don’t care, you just yell, I finally have the courage to tell you what I’m feeling and you scream at me an to what I feel, I get thrown back down, then you get angry because I don’t tell you what’s wrong. You say you struggle everyday but when I say, you yell at me.
All I want is for you is to show me some sort of love or just for you to care.
I’ve been through this struggle for too long, how am i suppose to go any further? Am I to try harder? Am I to leave? Or is it easier to drive a knife through my heart?
i was home alone for the bulk of the day. i should have killed myself whilst i had the chance. i should have gotten it over with.
why am i still alive.
I don’t feel like myself anymore. Any way I say it sounds stupid, but why am I expected to love myself when I cant even recall who i am?
There is so much I hate about myself and I cant see through it anymore. Ive been trying for years to be better. So many years. I cant do this anymore, I just cant. Im wearing thin.
When I look at myself, I don’t see me, I see someone else. She’s so familiar now. I know her more than I know myself.
She despises who i am, she’s hateful and deceiving, she’s scared and hurt. She’s the worst part of me. She’s almost all of me now.
Lets just call her LostKat. Oh, how ironic that is.
If anyone can find RealKat please let me know. Ive been waiting a very long time to see her.
I miss you RKat, Love,
LostKat Forever <3
been a long time since i have suicidal thoughts going on through my mind . it seems like getting stronger each day . the scars on my wrist are getting deeper and deeper each day . and each day , I’m hating myself even more . every day i questioned myself why am i even alive . i just wished i can be died . be dead by losing a lot of blood or even eating a lot of pills so i overdosed . my life couldn’t get any worser . why am i alive . why is my life like this . i just want to be dead than continue living .
I’m sorry, You got such a fucked up child. You got someone that doesn’t care as much as you do. I’m sorry that I yell, and I roll my eyes, and that I can’t wait to leave.
I was awake this morning. I heard you pray for me before leaving at 4 am for work. I realized you did this every morning.
I’m sorry that I don’t get the best grades. I’m sorry that I’m not the prettiest or the fittest.
I’m sorry that I don’t appreciate this life. You try so hard to provide for me and I just ruin everything.
I’m sorry that you have to stay with dad because of me. I’m sorry that I don’t always understand.
Please forgive me when I leave earlier than you.
So once again, sleep is both my seducer and my tormentor. Tempting me with the taste of an eternal requiem for a lullaby but sapping my strength to fall into that eternal requiem, as well. What a cruel mistress she is.
Heh, it’s gotten to the point I even realize that the words, “Happy Mother’s Day” from my mouth might as well be “I hate you and go die!” My mother even saw this hidden tab while I was signing my great-grandmother’s card… I really am an awful person…
Not literally but mentally. The saddest and most painful kind of dying is the kind on the inside. It takes time and you slowly become a you who is not you. I feel like everyday i am getting closer till whats left of myself gets sucked out of me. My personality, my spirit, my happiness. I only have some left and everyday i get closer because Im trapped. I just need to move out really soon. I have to leave with the little i have left.
I’m a deep thinker, as well as an overactive thinker, so almost every second of everyday there are numerous thoughts, worries, and questions running throughout my brain. Here’s one for anyone who wants to answer. What do you think you would be like and your life would be like if you didn’t know you were going to die? You had no awareness about what death is, or that it even happened. For me it would be pretty terrifying, mainly because I see death as my escape, something I will always be able to look forward to and count on because it is inevitable and is going to happen, but what do you think things would be like for you? would it affect you and/or your life greatly?
It’s hard for me to sleep. It’s 1:04 AM here and I am still awake. My sleep patterns are getting weird. And I am sure I won’t sleep until 5:00 Am. I just lay awake at night, losing myself in thought and contemplating my doom and misfortune. I think I need to get myself on sleeping pills. Any suggestions?!!??
I’m not doing anything being alive im tired of being alone. I actually went on a 2nd date today. Im supposed to have another one this coming week. That said i feel very little connection with her. Im grateful as i haven’t had a date before last week in years and very few in my entire life. I guess give it time but i just feel its always a matter of time until i get rejected again. Ive become unover someone i haven’t talked to in a year and will never see again anyway. I don’t want to live anymore in perpetual loneliness. There have been times this week when I have had gratitude. Grateful for where i am in life. Then the perpetual nothingness of depression of loneliness of being in this world disconnected from all things it shows up like a freight train. I want to hang myself. I miss weed that kept me even. Without it i feel like dying most of the time.
I hate that depression is who i am and what i am and always will be. I hate perpetual sexual frustration and irrelevance. I hate perpetual emotional frustration and irrelevance. I hate how hard it is to lose this weight. The physical weight the emotional weight all of it. I tried hanging myself so many fucking times to just survive. Its fucking ridiculous. I hate that I exist. I dont belong here or anywhere. Im so tired of being alone and old. Im so tired of my depression being triggered. Im tired of being ugly and fat. I’m tired of posting here. Im tired of missing people. I only want the peace of non existence.
I’ve had a long week. My mood has been so up and down all week but I hope it will end on a good point. I’ve been contemplating going back on meds for my depression and anxiety. Mostly for the anxiety. I tried to get help a year ago. Guessing my doctor ignored my depression questionable that the nurse filled out for me at my last physical. They want me to go back to my therapist I guess. I sorta wish I would but I can’t bring myself to do it. The thing is I know I have a balance but am not sure how much and I’m kind of embarrassed because of it. Another thing is that right before I decided to quit therapy I had hit a wall, wasn’t making any progress and wasn’t caring either. I have reached a point where I believe I probably need a little help. I’m starting to become horribly bitter again. Then the thoughts start up again, how I’m better off dead. They started up again when I first found this site, back in February, I was so depressed and obviously suicidal. I hadn’t been in that type of mindset to that extreme in a good 7-8 year. I’m really not sure the thoughts ever went away, I just fell into self medicating, mostly alcohol. The issues continue and I just feel trapped I guess. I’m mellowing out as the years go by but the shit still gets to me and I am aware I’m being vague, not in the mood tonight to write out every damn thing that’s got me thinking this way. But I do want to thank everyone who reaches out to help. That’s why I like this place. People get me.
my husband asked me last night if I wanna go home ….when I said yes he did something really shocking and said OK he will talk to his mother and he will try to go home …good right …BUT…..wait for it………I will have to see what mom says OH MY FUCKING GOODNESS he can’t just tell hiss mother were going home after his birthday can’t do it….OHHHH and here’s another good one we might have to go back to FLORIDA because his car is there and its a hassle to get a shipper what dose he wan’t to do drive home in his two person car ….what I just don’t know no more and I still don’t have a phone .
another thing is I am not a morning person I do not like people or mornings …so I realized if I want ease in the morning I will have to be up at 6:30 am just for me to be ok for when anybody else wakes up …so mother in law loves to aggravate me in the morning now I hate this woman so much if she breathed to loudly I get pissed . and she leaves her room a mess and her clothes in the washer and dryer if I were to that I am the most fucking filthy person on this planet, so she gets mad me today why is my stuff still left the washer one ***** you left your stuff in the dryer …two it’s not my stuff so go fuck your self . it five minutes to 10:00 am mst and she yelling and I wanna die ,already cut my self i can wear longs sleeves because well it’s cold as fuck OHHHH one one more thing I cant go to Utah the got Evicted so fuck me I need to go home look for my own place because I know there won’t let me keep the place we have now …..
HI! This is my first post, and I am excited to get to know you folks. I have suicidal ideation, but am happy now! I met a lady and she changed my way of thinking, but don’t want to become suicidal again. I would
i am so sick and tired of living this fucking life… I am just a waste of space and time in this IDIOTIC world… I am an introvert and i hate the all people who are hypocrites that live only their lives in such a way (self image, dressing, hairstyle, money and materials appearance) so that they can accepted and liked by other people. Yes i am a short and an unattractive person and so i don’t have any chance out there but let me tell you what, i DON’T GIVE A FUCK since i hate those guy more than i hate myself.
I fucking tired of seeing such people so a very a locked myself in my room spending all my day behind this fucking screen so that i don’t have to communicate with any of them. And because the MAJORITY of people find this weird of staying away from the outside world (e.g nightlife entertainment e.t.c) you are also consider weird. I don’t give a fuck about anyone of them…but if you don’t meeting up with other people then your life sucks since you will be unable to find a job or a girl and you are force to stay a lonely guy waiting a nice opportunity to die!
Honestly, that’s how i see how life works. Everything that you do in life has to be accepted by others or you should do what the others are doing… YOU LIVE YOUR WHOLE LIFE FOR OTHERS AND NOT FOR YOURSELF.
I have no patience with people anymore, i don’t want to speak to no one and waste my time with idiots. I want no-one to know me anymore.
So to end this, let me just say that i hate being a part of the world and i have to admit that this life is not for anyone…some of you will NEVER understand this because you are a part of this whole system where you got lucky once you were born and became someone with the minimum requirements that this ”majority of the people” has place (good appearance,fancy or interesting life, social). So the rest of us are leftovers who are forced to live a stressful and depressive lives with no ambitions and no love and wandering all day where this life is leading me to…or IS IT WORTH LIVING THIS SHIT?
I know, i know…this is a rather touchy subject. The fact of you leaving will hurt many people.
Lets just be clear, i am not suggesting or supporting that anyone leave this world, simply stating an opinion anyone may think on.
So your there, in that moment, yes you know the one. And all you can see is you hurting people if you left. Which is true. You will. Theres no doubt in my mind of that. But lets..just…step back moment from thinking about that.
Lets talk about me. I’ll be the genii pig in this example. If i were to leave. Right now..i would hurt lots of people. Yes..because there are people in this world that in some way or another care about us. In some way..any way. But honestly. That doesn’t bother me. Even if that seems shallow. It doesn’t.
The reason why is. Look at me. From a third person view in space. I’m in pain. Deep pain. Relentless pain. Pain that i fear, will never leave me. My life is in shambles. My heart torn into a million pieces, my soul..looking as dead as it ever has. Just barely a spec of light left in it. My body, feels as if i am a trillion years old. I’m not even functional in reality anymore. Just a broken man, barely scraping by.
The saddest thing is, no one knows how bad i am. How close to the edge i am. Leaning off just on the verge of losing my balance. Just. Waiting. Hoping. Direly hoping something will come along and push me over the edge. My loved ones especially dont know this. Maybe a friend or two had an idea. But all of you, are truly the first to see this.
So i know. You all get it. Im bad. No need to stand on a box and say poor me. For the record im not looking for sympathy. Simply understanding. Acknowledgement of where i stand. And i must say. As selfish as it seems, how people feel. Is the last concern on my mind. Because if they knew…if they really knew, if i took their hand and shared every emotion i feel, they would see it too. They would drop their fear of losing me. They would see. That i really am better off in the next life..whatever that may be. Its not being selfish folks. Its called standing up for who you are, and whats really best for you. And alot of people its best to stay, but every now and then theres one of us who just doesn’t fit. Who is an alien to the very world they inhabit. And they were so very gracefully given this life, then i think its their right to decide their own fate. Whatever that may be, for better or worse. Just don’t let your surrounding influence your decision. Sure it takes its toll and does impact you, but what im saying is in that moment where you have the urge to leave. Really think about it. Don’t fall the the fate of sheer impulse. Let yourself search, search high above this crazy world. And you sir ladies will find your answer..just as i have.
Don’t fall to the reaches of fear, pity, or shame..rise to the powers of knowledge, willingness, and most of all pure common sense, and we shall all go far beyond the roller coaster of life ??