I have been reading here for awhile but never made the effort to share. Depression has such a hold over my life and has for as long as I can remember………I often find telling my story yet again is just exhausting. Every time I got a new counselor we would start from square one.
I am now 40 years with 4 suicide attempts under my belt. The first one dating back to my pre-teens and most recent was just this summer. People say hang on it gets better but for me it is pretty much a constant.
I have periods where I can function relatively normally (but the turmoil and battle with my brain are never ending). During the times I have my little breakdowns (usually after a huge stressor) I isolate or go M.I.A and don’t come back until I can put my game face on.
There are things in life I enjoy doing, but I don’t enjoy them enough to want to stay here…..nor do they make the dark heavy feelings subside. In fact, I have pretty much done everything I want to (travel and sports wise), the other things are not meant for me (family, children, relationship).
I feel it is my time to go and has been for awhile. I don’t contribute to society and I take my health for granted and many other things people struggle with daily. If I could give my health to someone who is struggling to survive I would. Its sad when you see people with such spirit and will to live be taken when there are people like me who would gladly. I also think of the people that are leaving family behind. Too bad I cant trade my life for someone elses death and then a child or partner or parent wouldn’t lose their loved one.
Each day that I force myself to continue is a disappointment. The direction of my life is not going to change. I am not going to wake up and “feel” different. It feels like a kick in the pants when I make myself do that which would seem the right yet thing and yet it just brings more pain or validation to my idea that I am not a part of this world. I am a spare part.
I am all too aware that dying is not easy, and I don’t want to fail at it again. For now, I ride it out and keep my eyes and ears open for an escape.
5 comments
“Its sad when you see people with such spirit and will to live be taken when there are people like me who would gladly. I also think of the people that are leaving family behind. Too bad I cant trade my life for someone elses death and then a child or partner or parent wouldn’t lose their loved one.”
I felt so identified with that… I feel exactly the same way… it actually makes me sick with guilt…
It makes me feel even worse about myself that I can’t make do with what I have. I feel very strongly that the stuff going on my head is out of my control. I have tried every medication, exercise, and the whole gamut. This is just who I am.
Thanks for sharing your feelings
Of course, thanks for sharing yours… I’m sorry I can’t offer any words of encouragement, as I am currently just as hopeless as the next person here I imagine, must be…
I want to respond but do not have the time to give your post proper attention; hence, I’m commenting to bookmark for future comment. I hear you.
In my teens, I used to pray that God would let me die in place of some mother who had cancer and was needed by her children. I hear you. But that doesn’t happen. Why we are forced to live on I do not know but I’m almost 70 now and it’s better because I have social security and medicare and own my home. I can stay in my home with my pets, surrounded by woods, and not worry about accomplishing things this world thinks are important.
What I have done is write a novel about a suicidal girl. I gave the novel both humor and depth in an attempt not to lose the reader who doesn’t understand the suicidal mind. In the past week, I now have hope to e publish.
I’m too tired to say more tonight, but I do understand.
Love,
Vedura