It must not be a good thing necessarily that I’m cured and yet I’m wanting the thoughts. The dark ones back. I love talking about depression and suicide it was my life only months ago. Somehow I was cured. A sense of pride in myself alien to me fills me with self-confidence. Where the confidence came from would be completing basic training for the military.
I came in hoping that during the shooting range i could pull the trigger on myself and if not then then j would be able to shoot myself during my military career. The thought of having a rifle by my side at all times makes me feel safe. Not to kill the enemy but if i’m ready to leave this earth theres a surefire way to do so.
Instead i go about through the hardships and get to graduation. Finally 7 weeks into my AIT i realize its this pride that brought me back to happiness. No longer the black plague filling me with dread. But my mind is already used to seeing in the dark. The light is blinding and sometimes it closes its eyes and misses the dark thoughts it was always surrounded by.
I try to write dark stories like i used to but its not the same. I even miss the anxiety filled nights of crying because of its familiarity. Its seriously an addiction just like my addiction to video games.
So here i am about to post on SP, sitting in the barracks of AIT listening to good tunes (eminem as i used to do listening to the depressing words he spoke about life and some crazy stuff) and about to talk about how things finally seem better.
I want to help other suicidal people. Ny experience with these thoughts makes me understanding, compassion makes me loving, a solution to the depression droves me to share it. Talk to me, if I could save you then its so much better.
Kik: RogueShadow1233
Phone # text me at (8053403636)
Facebook.com/rogueshadow1281
I’m here to listen, here to help, here to understand.
3 comments
Btw imm in the army so k cant’ be at my phone for a few hours so I’ll get back to you around 12-4:30 tomorrow or even at 2:30 amsince thats when i get home from night school. I’m in virginia so that time zone
I’m so happy for you Rogue, I remember when we met over a year ago, you were in such a dark place, it’s incredible to hear you’ve transformed into the person you are now. I remember you were hesitant to join the military, but look at you now! Thank you for posting 😀 (hugs)
Funny you mention the addictive part, Rogue. Its something I’ve noticed as well.
I’m glad you’re finding your place in this world. Conquering basics is one heck of an accomplishment! You’ve definitely earned the right to be proud.