I lasted 98 days without a real cut, it was the hardest thing iv ever done but my dad stopped hating me, then the voices came back and i fought it and then the thoughts got strong again, and i kept fighting until the insomnia hit. I lasted 6 days with no sleep before i cut, i cut two days in a row then last night i cut to deep and had to be taken to hospital and stitched up again. The nurses all know me at this point and they al just shake their heads at me. More stitches to add the the collection is what my doctor said. But the relief was amazing, i’m back to not caring about the looks or the judgement i just wait all day for the chance to cut again now, its such an easy thing to get addicted to. But it helps feed the thoughts of suicide without filling them. And it feels so fucking good. They looked at me laughing and smiling after i cut and were disgusted, they think i do it for attention because i go from miserable to laughing in seconds after i cut, but in reality… the relief is just so much and i laugh, not cause its funny but because i do not know how else to react. i wonder how long ill be able to fight the thoughts this time? and if they will get me put back in the mental health unit. Thing is…i don’t care as long as i get to cut. They get mad but i don’t care anymore. They get annoyed but i don’t care anymore.
The scary part is that i cared before, i cared what they thought and wanted, but now i don’t. So now there is no ones opinions or feelings getting in my way of getting it my way for a change. I Can See My Eternal Oblivion Coming.
And i couldn’t be more excited.
2 comments
I’ve read your post and I hear you. Shame on them for not having compassion or even trying to understand. I feel your struggle, whether to live or die or escape. I sense that escape is what you seek.
I hate that you have to endure this. You are doing it bravely. I wish I had an easy way out, a solution, but I don’t. If I did, I would give it to you freely.
My heart is with you in your struggle.
Love,
Vedura
I get what you say about the relief and laughter. One day I was feeling shitty and everything negative was going around my head. I was in the kitchen and I grabbed a dish towel and wrapped it around my neck and started pulling. I didn’t even think about it. I passed out for a few seconds, but when I came around the thoughts were gone and I couldn’t stop smiling. I got looked at as a freak by the other people in the house, but I didn’t care.