I came to share a story, and ended up staying a few days longer than expected. I am proud to have encountered each and every person that I’ve spoken with; regardless of what may, or may not, have been said.
My goal in life is simply to leave things better than the way I found them, yet I can not say with any certainty that I achieved that; though, I can, in one last effort, leave you with a few songs that may do what I could not.
Processing your request, Please wait....I can’t go on anymore! I feel I’ve reached the end of my road! I’m sitting here all alone wondering where it all went wrong.
37 years old and I feel so Worthless & Totally fed up with life! I just don’t see the point anymore! Why do I still continue to try, when it gets me Absolutely No where!! Everyday is So Freaking hard, & I’m still struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel! Why you ask? Well, the last 37 years of my life have been absolute hell here on earth! I don’t have anything left inside. I pray for death everyday to be at peace and be Completely free of this mental torture each & every waking hour. “Your not worthy”, ” your a failure”, you can’t do anything right”, “just end your life & their won’t be anymore pain.”, that inner voice says there are so many people worse off. People are killed on a daily basis, but wishing that was me.
Where did it all go wrong? The last 37 years have flown by and I have very few happy memories. How sad & pathetic is that? Was it my dysfunctional childhood? Your parents are supposed to nurture you, to hug you and tell you that you’re loved. I do not recall ever once being hugged by either one of my adopted parents. Ever! I can’t even recall ever being told that I was loved or wanted. I feel like I was a mistake. I can’t even recall one display of affection. I was sexually, mentally, physically & verbally abused, everyday of my childhood from the time I was 6 yrs old, up until I was 19 yrs old. All the emotional, physical pain & scars were also inflicted by the emotional abuse I had to endure everyday that are still to this day, emotionally painful. Is that why I still to this day, have a problem in my relationships & friendships? With men in general. Why do I struggle with authority? Mom’s & Dad’s are supposed to cherish their daughters. Instead mine despised me and constantly criticised and put me down and made me feel like I was a piece of shit! I know it was because I was a mistake from my biological mother. Every night, laying in my bed I was scared for my life, fearing my adopted dad would come in & beat me for no reason. I felt I was his punching bag & play toy. I Absolutely despised & hated him for making me do sexual things to him, day in & day out! ?? There was one day I called the cops & they came to my house & asked me if I was ok. I said “ya” & they said “are you sure?” & I said “ya”. I wanted So Bad to tell them what my adopted dad was doing to me & my brother but my adopted dad was standing right there beside me. I was So Scared! So I just told them, I accidentally called them. Fearing if I told them the truth, I would get another Severe beating!
It hurt that my other older brother got all the love, praise, & attention from my adopted parents. He couldn’t do no wrong in their eyes. He was considered the perfect child. That hurt Really bad! I felt like the scum of the earth!
Mothers are meant to protect their children! Mine just added to daily put-me downs by my father. She was a Severe alcoholic and just let my dad physically abuse me & my biological brother. They fought constantly. It was a very toxic environment to grow up in. In addition to fighting with me and my mother, my adopted father managed to alienate our entire family by packing up all his stuff & up & left for several weeks, not telling anyone where he was going. I remember seeing & hearing my adopted mom cry everyday. So, to this day I haven’t seen my adopted parents, & never will! This may sound harsh but in all honesty, I can’t wait till the day they pass away. I feel that’s the only way I will finally find peace!
I couldn’t wait to leave home! I got married at 19 yrs old. I did very well at school and was offered to go to a technical college to study to be a medical assistant. So for 15 months, I did all the required hours. I even certified in several areas & got several certificates, including being on the honor roll. Although I struggled those 15 months, having to take care of my two very young girls, keep the house clean, cook breakfast, lunch, & dinner, keep up with the laundry, take care of the animals, plus trying to keep up with my school work. The final straw was when my husband didn’t want to help out around the house cause “he was too tired after working 8 hrs on his feet at a prison.” We fought like cats & dogs all the time cause I would ***** & gripe cause I needed help around the house cause I just had too much on my plate. I was doing everything by myself & I just couldn’t handle it. But I seemed to some how get through those agonizing 15 months of college & doing my externship. Well two weeks before graduation, I snapped & tried killing myself & ended up in the Looney bin cause I just couldn’t handle all of it! I lost Everything I had worked so hard for! After that, things have severely went down the shitter since then, & I haven’t been the same since.
That same year I saw the mental health psychologist for the first time for the Major depression and anxiety that was to plague me for the rest of my life! I was diagnosed with Major depressive disorder, PTSD, Social anxiety, & Borderline line personality disorder.
The next few chapters of my life haven’t exactly been no happier. My marriage has been falling apart since that dark, & dreary day. I tried pulling myself together by trying to start over, by getting back into the workforce. So In my late twenties, I went to work at the prison to be a food service supervisor. But I have the endless horrible habit of hitting the self-destruct button whenever things are going is good. I tend to always self sabotage. This applies to my relationships as well. I am trying to figure out why this is.
In my early 30’s, I decided I had had enough of family’s fits and arguments and once again, tried everything I could to take my own life. Frustrated at the thought that every time I tried, I couldn’t even do that right! So once again, I got put back in the Looney bin. I absolutely hated it. I felt & was treated like a prisoner that committed a horrible crime! My freedom was completely taken away. So what did I do, I pretended like I was getting better just so I could have the chains taken off of me, so they would release me so I could have my freedom back. Its nothing like being locked away, with no freedom to do anything & being taken away from your kids, family, & friends. Shortly after my return home, we moved to a what we thought was a nice house & neighborhood, until we quickly learned that it wasn’t . The house & neighborhood we had chosen had so many down falls. The only heat & air conditioning we had was in the living room & dining room. The winter & summer months were brutal. The back bedrooms were Extremely cold in the winter, & Extremely hot in the summer. We had to sleep in either the living room or the dining room to stay warm & cool. The fuse box was older than dirt, every time we turned around the dam fuse box would blow a fuse & we kept having to flip the fuse box. The landlord was so cheap, she refused to call an electrician to come out & fix it. I’m surprised that house didn’t catch on fire. We put up with it for 4 yrs cause we just couldn’t afford to move, due to my husbands job loss. We only had income & that was my disability. Well, I finally got fed up with it & applied for section 8 HUD housing. For a two bedroom apartment, we were 17th on the list & it didn’t take but a few months, when we got the call that an apartment opened up. So we jumped on it & finalized the paperwork, packed up immediately & left that hell hold, to once again start fresh to thrive in a new environment. We have been here almost 2 yrs, our girls have made quite a bit of new friends, we are very close by a park, walking path, shopping mall, bowling alley, & QT. In the year & a half we have been here, we have had some problems with our apartment but, the landlord is pretty good about taking care of the problems. She’s about 95% better than our last landlord we had. So, now it’s just my husband, my girls, & me and my emotional support dog.
Within the year & a half we have been here, a couple times my marriage fell apart. Once for 4 months, & another time for 2 months. Within the 17 & a half years (almost 18 on June 10th this year) my husband took advantage of my & my girls love. He was verbally, emotionally, & physically abusive towards me & my girls. I felt as if I was reliving my childhood all over again & it caused me to get Very depressed & suicidal. The abuse against my girls & I was just too much. I was so depressed, I didn’t have one ounce of a back bone in my body to stand up to him & say, enough is enough. I was in fear of him & had to walk on egg shells. I was treated as if nothing I did was good enough. Our crumbling marriage was in shambles, it started affecting my girls & their grades at school. I couldn’t understand why, I was so blind & it was staring me right in the face. I wasn’t strong enough in my mental illness to see it or do anything about it until my best friend helped put things into perspective. Only then I was able to finally take off the blinders & see things clearly for what they really were. So finally, shortly after Thanksgiving of last year I got up the strength to put my foot down & say enough is enough & I separated from my husband for 4 months & went & lived with my best friend & her husband. During those 4 months, my husband & I tried working things out but, I couldn’t believe any word that came out of his mouth. I had heard the same things over & over again for 19 yrs, what makes what he was saying then any different? I became so broken & depressed, I blamed myself for everything. I lost all hope & starved myself for 3 months straight, I felt I needed to punish myself & that’s the only thing I had control over. I became so sick & weak due to the tremendous weight I had lost. My best friend couldn’t just stand by & watch me slowly deteriate, so she tried talking to me till she was blue in the face. Nothing was sinking in cause I was so overcome with no hope & extreme depression. She threatened me many times to put me back in the hospital, & that’s the last thing I needed. She got so overwhelmed because she wasn’t reaching me after everything she said & did, so she started trying to get me involved in doing daily devotions with her every morning. I’m gonna admit, at first I didn’t want anything to do with it, I just let everything go in one ear & out the other, until I felt the Lord speaking to me through his word. That’s when things started turning around for me, I started to slowly have hope again & I saw & felt my depression getting better. I started to very slowly start eating again, laugh again, praying again, & reading the bible again. When I felt myself getting stronger, & finally being able to make the right choices & decisions on what the Lord wanted me to do, I felt the right choice was to move back home.
Second separation with my husband was March 17th 2018. Before this separation, things were pretty rocky between my husband & I. We were fighting a lot, his anger was getting out of control & the day of the 17th of March, my husband put his hands on my oldest daughter out of anger. That’s where I draw the line, when it comes to my kids, nobody puts their hands on them! I got So Angry, I kicked him out & didn’t let him see my girls for quite a while. I was done with him, I tried everything in my power to get a restraining order on him, I reported him to DCF, I tried filing for divorce. Nothing was working in my favor, as their mother I was doing what I thought was in their best interest. After this last time, the Lord really opened my husbands eyes & heart & really got ahold of him & turned his life around. I saw a Really Big difference in my husband, I had never seen in the 17 yrs we have been married, & the 19 yrs we have been together. As of May 3rd 2018, he is a changed man & he has really came along way. He is now the husband & father he should be.
Now, here is my dilemma, my depression is coming back & its coming back hard! These thoughts are getting worse & stronger by the day & I am back to losing hope again.
What’s the point? Why do I even try anymore? I just Can’t go on anymore! ????
Processing your request, Please wait....Reality is boring, Humanity/Mankind must move beyond money & politics for real progress.
Although technology have been progressing rapidly nowadays, yet sadly in many aspects, Humanity/Mankind/Society still have slow progress; Everyday is still the same day & problems over and over again repeatedly.
I believe that in order to make a real progress for Humanity / Mankind, we must quickly focus & do the followings:
1) We must move beyond money & politics. It is outdated. A lot of problems in this world today basically stems from these two root causes (& also superstitions especially in religion, as well as in Ignorance & Stupidity due to failure in Education). For a truly real progress, we must start to focus on much more important things. Try look up/google for Universal Basic Income (UBI), as well as Resource Based Economy (RBE), The Venus Project, & The Zeitgeist Movement, for starter.
2) We must seriously consider that there is a possibility that Humanity / Mankind will go extinct / extinction. Most probably caused by our own Ignorance & Stupidity, as well as Greed. Therefore, we must prepare for the worst possible scenario, and one best solution is to start building a system of selection for the best few candidates of Humanity / Mankind (10% of the planet’s population, for example), whom will continue the future of our Humans Species in the best, smartest, most intelligent, rational, logical, most creative, wisest, & most civilized as possible.
3) Finally, we must unleash our Human’s greatest & most important potential: Imagination. If reality is boring & very limited/limiting, then the only way for us is to start focusing quickly on how to enter the world of Imagination, and turn it into reality ASAP. Some very important technology that must be quickly developed are: Artificial Intelligence (AI), Virtual Reality (VR), Augmented Reality (AR), biological Mutations, entering our Consciousness into the vast Net, as well as Transhumanism. We must turn the wildest, most imaginative movies & video games for example like science fiction (sci-fi) into reality ASAP, for real progress.
Otherwise, we will be stuck in this boring reality everyday, repeating over and over again, & even it could get worse & worse!
Processing your request, Please wait....Honestly, I just can’t understand nor fathom why Most / Majority of people can go watch movies, read cool, creative, imaginative books / novels / anime / comics, or play super imaginative & fantasy video games, and then later on they just go back to reality, as if nothing happens, and they’re ok with everything.
I hate to say this, but Most people simply just lack Imaginations. Even worse, Most people are boring. All people care in the everyday’s reality & their lives is just the most superficial, mundane, boring, & stupid things. Which is very depressing, especially when you feel like you’re just alone & can’t relate with most people anymore.
And I even can already predict in advance, that people will quickly spout out & say boring things like: “if you find Life / reality boring, then maybe it’s you who are boring, not this awesome, beautiful Life / reality.”
Bullshit.
People who said those words are, in my experience, either usually just stupid, naive, ignorant, and/or boring, lacking Imagination & even intelligence / not too smart.
Reality IS boring & depressing. Especially the more you know, learn, & observe it.
Have any of you heard the “Avatar syndrome” ? Google it. It’s basically the post-effects that many people apparently got, after watching the movie “Avatar” (James Cameron). It’s the feeling of depression, because they’re back to reality again, after watching (& experiencing) such magical, cool, awesome, mind-blowing, breath-taking, & beautiful ‘other-worlds’ of Avatar world.
I wish I live in Harry Potter world / universe , I wish Harry Potter was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Final Fantasy world / universe , I wish Final Fantasy was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Star Wars world / universe , I wish Star Wars was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Marvel Cinematic Universe , I wish Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU / MCEU) was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Avengers world / universe , I wish Avengers was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Lord of The Rings world / universe , I wish Lord of The Rings was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Naruto, One Piece world / universe , I wish Naruto , One Piece was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Mass Effect, World of Warcraft world / universe , I wish Mass Effect was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Skyrim world / universe , I wish Skyrim was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in World of Warcraft world / universe , I wish World of Warcraft was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in AOV (Arena of Valor) world / universe , I wish AOV (Arena of Valor) was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Kingdom Hearts world / universe , I wish Kingdom Hearts was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Mobile Legends world / universe , I wish Mobile Legends was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Ready Player One world / universe , I wish Ready Player One was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in The Matrix world / universe , I wish The Matrix was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in magical / magic world / universe , I wish magic was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in dragons world / universe , I wish dragons was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in fairy tales / faeries / fairies world / universe , I wish fairy faeries fairies was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in cyberpunk world / universe , I wish cyberpunk was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in fantasy world / universe / I wish fantasy was real / is real / really exist ,
etc etc etc
Reality is boring & depressing , & very limiting ! Real life is boring & depressing , & very limiting ! Real world is boring & depressing , & very limiting !
Fuck this boring reality ! Fuck this boring real life ! Fuck this boring real world !
I wish Virtual Reality (VR) , Augmented Reality (AR) really real & exist, and will progress much faster in those very important technology. Because I believe that Imagination is Humanity / Mankind ‘s most important potential, to turn into reality !
Otherwise, it’s probably better to just die, commit suicide, than to live / survive in this boring depressing life, world, & reality !
Processing your request, Please wait....Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !
Human’s imagination is better than reality !
Movie / Movies is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Game / Games is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Comic / Comics book is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Novel / Novels is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Science fiction ( sci-fi ) is better than boring science facts , reality , real life , real world !
I wish superpower / superpowers really real exist …
I wish superhero / superheroes really real exist …
I wish magic is really real exist …
I wish mythology is really real exist …
I wish science fiction ( sci fi ) is really real exist …
real world is boring ! real-world is boring !
real life is boring ! real-life is boring !
reality is boring !
I HATE REALITY !!
I HATE REAL LIFE !! I HATE REAL-LIFE !!
I HATE REAL WORLD !! I HATE REAL-WORLD !!
Reality sucks , boring , depressing , and very limited / limiting / many limitations !!
People / anyone / anybody who said reality is fun & interesting , real life is fun & interesting , real life is fun & interesting , are usually people lacking imaginations & creativity !
In real life / real world / reality , there is no dragons … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no magic … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no superpower / superpowers … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no dragon / dragons … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no spells , wizards , casts like Harry Potter , Lord of The Rings, Game of Thrones … !!
In real life / real world / reality , we can’t fly … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no time travel , time machine … !! We can’t go back to the past , or to the future … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no alien / aliens , cool gods , advanced extraterrestrial beings , other cool creatures with special powers , etc etc … !!
in real world / in real life / in reality , it’s all only about MONEY / business !!!!!! .. . . .
in real world / in real life / in reality , everything is about MONEY MONEY / business !!!!!! .. . . .
i hate money , I hate business , I hate jobs , I hate working , I hate work !!! …
and in real world / in real life / in reality , most people / Majority of people are stupid , shallow , superficial , fake , ignorant , boring !!
I wish Marvel Cinematic Universe ( MCU ) , Avengers is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Game of Thrones ( GOT ) dragons , Harry Potter , Lord of The Rings ( LOTR ) is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Star Wars , Star Trek is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Skyrim is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Naruto , One Piece , Bleach is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Sword Art Online ( SAO ) is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring!
I wish AOV is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Final Fantasy is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Kingdom Hearts is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish RPG is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish science fiction / sci-fi / scifi / sci fi is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Ghost in The Shell is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish The Matrix is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish cyberpunk is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish aliens is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish magic is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish superpower / superpowers is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish mythology is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish dragons is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish magic spells wizard is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish magic is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
Most people are lacking imagination !
Majority of people are lacking imagination !
Most people are boring !
REAL LIFE IS BORING ! REAL-LIFE IS BORING & DEPRESSING / DEPRESSION !
REAL WORLD IS BORING ! REAL-WORLD IS BORING & DEPRESSING / DEPRESSION !
REALITY IS BORING & DEPRESSING / DEPRESSION !!!!!
better to die than live or living in this real world !!! …
better to die than live or living in this real life !!! …
better to die than live or living in this reality !!! …
FUCK REAL LIFE !!!!
FUCK REAL WORLD !!!
FUCK REALITY !!!
THIS REALITY IS BORING , REALITY SUCKS , & REALITY IS LIMITED / LIMITING / FULL OF MANY LIMITS / LIMITATIONS … !!!!
in this reality … sadly ,. I am just a loser failure in this Society of Humans & Money …
.
.
so again … Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !
escape into imaginations … !!
if I can’t ,… then better suicide & die than live / living in this boring real world … !!!
if I can’t ,… then better suicide & die than live / living in this boring real life … !!!
if I can’t ,… then better suicide & die than live / living in this boring reality … !!!
..
.
.
Processing your request, Please wait....I used to post on here quite regularly when I was younger, I think when I was about 15 or 16? Around then. Those years are strangely hazy now, probably because I was living in such a haze of sadness and wanting to die. Anyway, I am now 21 and I’m back under a new name because I feel like a whole new person. A few parts of old me survived, and unfortunately one of those parts is the slightly suicidal one.
I say ‘slightly suicidal’ because even as I type this on this website that I know is about suicide, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t actually do it. It’s just a thought, like it’s there. It’s that option that comes into my mind regularly whether I want it to or not. I don’t want it to be an option, I really don’t. And I kind of know that it isn’t really, like the main thing is I know I can’t do that to my parents. I don’t care how egotistical or whatever that sounds, I just know that they’d be in so much pain if I died and even more if I’d killed myself. I can’t do that to them. And I can’t do that to some of my friends either.
It’s the friends thing too though, kind of. Like I am in a really not ideal house share with friends who aren’t really my friends any more for various reasons, and when they make me feel really bad about myself, when they make me really unhappy, I think maybe if I killed myself at least then they’d feel bad. And that’s fucked up, like I don’t want to be that kind of person. And I really hate that I have those those thoughts.
It’s strange, because the suicidal thoughts only seem to arise when I’m feeling particularly sad or angry. When I was here before it was a constant, like I remember sometimes muttering ‘i want to die’ under my breath repeatedly.
I’d just love to know what it is that’s wrong with me, like why is it that relatively small things can make me spiral into this kind of pit of despair? Why is death becoming an appealing option again? What is wrong with me, and how can I stop it?
I don’t want to die but I’m a very impulsive person at times and I worry that maybe one of these days the urge will be stronger than usual and I’ll actually do it without thinking properly through all my very good reasons why I shouldn’t.
It’s hanging this time… not sure why. I just keep thinking about hanging myself, whether I’m feeling down that day or not. Before, I don’t think I had any specific method in mind. Think I vaguely considered pills, but it wasn’t something I imagined much. It’s strange comparing the two versions of myself on this site as in so many ways I am so different, and in so many ways that are quite specific to suicide itself. I think back then it was something I kind of wanted, but now it’s something I really want to go away.
For a while I lived as someone who isn’t suicidal and I would really love to be in that position again. I just don’t know how.
Processing your request, Please wait....Human’s Imagination / Humans’ Imagination / Humans Imagination is better than Reality
Movie / movies is better than reality / real life / real world
Video game / games is better than reality / real world / real life
Novel /novels is better than reality / real-life / real-world /
Sci-fi / Science-fiction is better than reality / reallife / realworld
Fantasy is better than reality / real world / real life
Anime / manga is better than reality / realworld / reallife
Dream / dreams is better than reality / real-world / real-life
I hate reality !!!!
Reality it’s all about MONEY !!!!!!
Reality is BORING !!!!
Real world is boring ! real-world is boring ! realworld is boring !
Real life is boring ! real-life is boring ! reallife is boring !
and people are stupid , ignorant , shallow , superficial !!
I wish I could live in Imagination
I wish I could live in movie / movies
I wish I could live in video game / video games
I wish I could live in novel / novels
I wish I could live in fantasy
I wish I could live in sci-fi /science fiction
I wish I could live in anime / manga
I wish I could live in dream / dreams
I wish I have superpower
I wish I could be a superhero / superheroes
I wish I could have MAGIC
I wish MAGIC exist / exists
because this REALITY is boring !! REALITY is just TOO FUCKING BORING !!
people who can’t see this are usually just stupid , unimaginative, dull / boring themselves , lacking / lack in imagination !
this real world / this real life / this reality is very LIMITED / LIMITING in what I can do / what we can do !!!!
it’s all about MONEY !!!
‘Success’ , everything is measured by MONEY !!! I hate Money !!!
We live in a very LIMITED / LIMITING real world / real life / reality EVERYDAY !!!!
Imagination is better than reality !!
Imagination is much better than reality !!! . . .
maybe I should just commit suicide , than living in this reality / real-world / real-life
I am a loser in this real world / I am a failure in this real-world
I am a loser in this real life / I am a failure in this real-life
I am a loser in this reality / I am a failure in this reality
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Processing your request, Please wait....Hello, Ladies and Gentlemen.
How do you do? I’ve read many suicide notes and just registered an account to publish my own suicide note. Where do I start from? I guess from the beginning, eh. Well, I turned 22 this year on the November the 6th. Been severely depressed since 2. I had severe trauma and most likely resulted in brain damage which my parents aren’t telling me about. I have an intermediate stutter and I noticed I have a learning disability and throughout colleges and schools. I’ve been severely bullied on and off basis to the point I had to use deadly force and also been suffering from severe clinical depression for a long fucking time to the point of trying many suicide methods since age 12 and was also fascinated with death, spirituality and then to psychedelic drugs. From that, I wasted 10 years of my life on stupid spirituality and new age bullshit that I thought was real but it isn’t was about to kill myself because 10 years is a long fucking time. Also, been banned from the UK from my very dangerous online criminal activity and have been sabotage (stabbed in the back) by my girlfriend. Well, you gotta do what you gotta do to keep a roof over your head and have food on the table (God, I wanted to use that overused phrase for years). I’m originally from Lithuania. My bro helped me to move to San Francisco to study again in which case was Community College with no education background and he expects me to fly through it. Sure, I have received:
First Semester
Intro Philosophy Ethics: D
Prealgebra: D -> Retook it on the summer: A+
English 102: Pass
Into Geography: A+
When I first failed my math class, my bro got so fucking angry sure he had to pay $1500 for a class (out of state tuition). That’s when I was contemplating my real suicide.
Second Semester
English 1A: W (Withdrawn) – My teach was a real fucking ass hole, sure I plagiarized 1 fucking sentence decides I’m worthless and drops me. Fuck YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU. From A to W and it was almost over.
Math 65: C (Most likely D now) I am seriously fucking up on this class.
Business Law: A
Intro Communications: A
Studying to get undergrad bachelor’s degree.
Thanks to Motivational videos that kept me truly going and study of science but it doesn’t matter anymore.
_________________________________________________
Other class doesn’t really matter, it’s just the math part. So, if I fail this math 65 class I’m getting deported and back to Lithuania nothing is waiting for me, most likely will end up on the streets for all I know. Sure, I can raise up in fucked up Economy (without education) and fly to Netherlands to go to free tuition College or join the life of crime and prison to survive but to avoid many people getting hurt I decided to end my life somewhere in this December 2016 by using carbon monoxide x2 and maybe plenty of candles in a sealed toilet or San Fransico Bridge (Small survival percentage) or highest building and jump from the top. When there is a will there is a way. Or maybe I will do it right on the Happy New years. I will also be celebrating in my fucking toilet! Celebrating how I’m going to die at that moment! FUCK YES !!!!
Well, FUCK! This was supposed to be my suicide letter but fucking hell, I have nothing to write. Except I love my mom very much and my bro too, a little bit. Sure, I know he pushes me but there are certain limits when you push somebody and not giving any fucking support = you break down. And I already had a dozen of mental breakdowns and traumas. I’m fucking done.
This youtube video describes clinical depression perfectly!
Also since the age of 2 I’ve been on fucking medications and some of them fucked me up permanently to the age of 10. I stopped using those shits!
This one is great too!
Oh, I also had very abusive parents but who doesn’t nowadays. I know I’m writing parts and pieces but maybe that’s what keeps it interesting? Anyway, been a gamer for a while because truth is video games just keeps you going but at the same time makes your life worthless as years pass on. My girlfriend doesn’t want me to do it and wants to help me in maths. But if I don’t pass 101% this December I will finally disappear.
Before suiciding yourself do you feel lonely that you’re going to die alone? Because I hella do. I wish I would have died with somebody even a stranger. :'(
Enjoy this music while you gather your thoughts.
Processing your request, Please wait....i wish harry potter was real really exist , i wish fantastic beasts were real really exist , i wish magic was real really exist , i wish magic really exist , i wish wizards were real really exist
because reality is boring , mundane , and limiting limited
because real world is boring , mundane , and limited limiting
because real life is boring , mundane , & limited limiting !
reality is all about MONEY !
real-life is all about Money !
real-world is all about Money !
Life is boring , mundane ,
movies is better than reality real life real world !
novels is better than reality real-life real-world !
comics is better than real world real life reality !
video games is better than real-world real-life reality !
MMORPG is better than real life real world reality !
manga is better than real-life real-world reality !
anime is better than reality reallife realworld !
Why human’s IMAGINATION is better than reality ??? …
here in our everyday ‘s reality , Life is all about MONEY !
and people are stupid , shallow , superficial , people are lacking imaginations , people are boring , dull , mundane !
(PS : i wish lucid dream is real lucid dreaming is real , astral projection is real astral travel is real , Virtual Reality like Sword Art Online is real , i wish dreams were real … because i hate reality , i hate real life , i hate real world ! it’s so boring , only for people who lack imagination & stupid )
does anyone agree ?
can anybody relate ?
Processing your request, Please wait....I hate reality ! reality is boring !
Doctor Strange is better than reality !
Marvel MCU (Marvel Cinematic Universe) is better than reality !
Avengers is better than real world !
Sword Art Online is better than real life !
Virtual Reality is better than boring reality !
video games is better than reality real life real world !
movies is better than real-world real-life reality !
novels is better than real-life real-world reality !
anime manga is better than boring real life real world reality !
comics is better than boring real world real life reality !
Why Human’s Imagination is much better than reality ??
movies , games , MMORPG , novels , anime / manga , comics is better than reality real life real world ??
if God exist , then God is boring god !!! to create such a boring reality / boring real-life / boring real-world !!
In reality , it’s all only about MONEY MONEY MONEY !!!
or people / Humans are stupid , shallow , superficial , ignorant , that MOST / Majority of people only care about shallow & superficial mundane things like celebrities gossip , talking about other people , status / image / fame / popularity / how to be popular / famous , how to get girlfriend / boyfriend , have kids , talk about job career business profits Money blah blah blah !!
I’ve found that people who said that “No, reality is not boring , YOU are boring ! ” are usually people who lack imaginations & intelligence ( *real* intelligence) to be able to comprehend how *truly* boring REALITY is !
I wish that Virtual Reality (VR, eg: Oculus Rift) develop quickly ,
I wish Astral Projection , Astral Travel , Out of Body Experiences (OBE) , Lucid Dream / Lucid Dreaming is real ,
I wish Science develop quickly & much faster , I wish teleport / teleportation , time machine / time travel is real ,
I wish Artificial Reality is real ,
I wish AI (Artificial Intelligence) is real like in science fiction (sci-fi) movies novels comics games anime manga,
I wish parallel universe , multiverse , another dimension , another universe is real ,
I wish science fiction sci-fi is real ,
I wish Transhumanism / Transhumanist is real ,
… so I can leave this boring everyday reality / everyday boring real life / everyday boring real world !!!!
… if all those things are not real (aren’t soon becoming real) ,.. then I think it’s much better to commit suicide / die than live in this boring reality , LIMITED / LIMITING reality , mundane reality , dull reality , stupid reality , ridiculous reality , absurd reality , harsh reality , cruel reality , cold reality !!!
can anyone / anybody relate ?
Processing your request, Please wait....I’m gone now. No fear, no pain, I’m doing it right. Lost everything and nothing left to lose. Gracias port mi vide, peso el was much mal
Processing your request, Please wait....April 4th, 2008 I met the boy who i knew would be the one i want to marry.
It was the Spring Fling dance at Live Oak Park in Temple City, CA. It was filled with 6th, 7th and 8th graders. I was in 7th grade and one of my good friends and I wanted to see who could dance with the most guys that night. So i went around and started shaking my butt for 3 seconds on random boys. At the end of the night, i was talking to a boy who i thought was cute till i found out he was in 6th grade. My friends were all around me and we were talking and laughing outside since the dance was over, and some boy (Carlos Mota), interrupted. He said, are you Savannah? And i said yes… and he said do you know Gibby? and i said who? and he said Gibby, Andrew Gibson? And i said no… and he said well he thinks your cute. By the time i looked at my friends to ask them if they knew who he was, i looked back and that boy was gone. My best friend at the time, Mia, said Oh my god Savannah, Gibby is the hottest 8th grader at our school! He plays flag football, hangs out with jojo torres, the guy Alex (one of our other friends) has a crush on! But still i didnt know who they were talking about and i couldn’t put a face to him because it was dark inside the dance area and i went around dancing with a lot of boys that night. So then, my friends and i walked over to the building across the way, to get our bags. A group of boys approached us, about 5-7 boys. And the one who liked me, came up to me and said hi, I’m Andrew Gibson, will you be my girlfriend? And i laughed and said, i dont even know you… and his friends were saying, cmon give him a chance dont be mean! And i took my friends side kick, and pretended it was my phone, and we exchanged numbers. I told him i’d give him a call with my answer. Two days later, i call him and said yes i’ll be your girlfriend, meet me in front of school tomorrow at the black gates.
That was it. April 6th 2008, Andrew Gibson was the one i fell madly in love with. When summer came, he was always in football practice because he was entering the 9th grade and i was in summer school going into 8th. We were together for about 3 months. During the summer, my friend Lynn and I walked about 8 miles to go to his house. He was home alone with his friend, and walking over there, my friend was asking if we were going to do anything. I was so nervous thinking what if he wanted too, I’m not ready for that! But we went over there and just watched t.v and hung out for a few hours and left. It was hard to see each other because we were so young and it was summer. Unfortunately, I thought this guy in my class liked me, so i wanted to break it off with Andrew because it seemed more easier since me and this kid, Nick Kaneko would be in the same school where as Andrew would be in high school. I asked Andrew to ride his bike to my friends house before he went to football practice, and i broke up with him on July 16, 2008. He was really sad and his eyes filled with tears as he rode off to practice. The next day i found out this kid Nick didnt even like me or want me and he was hitting on some girl name Nina. I went to find this girl to say who does she think she is. Long story short, this girl turned out to be my best friend and still is till this day. We both left that boy behind and started a really close friendship.
I tried to contact Andrew to tell him i wanted to get back with him, but when he found out i broke up with him for someone else, he didnt want me back. He said i broke his heart and he was too scared i’d do it again. So from that day on, i decided i would never ever give up on getting him back no matter what. I called him almost everyday for that summer, and then it turned into every other week, to every so often during the month, to every other month or so. Sometimes he wouldn’t answer but when he would answer, we would talk for hours and hours. At the end of the every phone call i would say i love you no matter what and he would just say i know. He was my Teddy Bear and i was his Honey Bunny. I never stopped trying to get back with him for years. Throughout the time we broke up, there were people i dated and he too as well. But it never stopped my love for him. Everyone knew that i always wanted to be with Andrew Gibson and if he were to come back to me at any point in time, i would always be there. I would never stop chasing him because i knew i loved him and i could never feel the way i did with him, with anyone else.
When i entered 9th grade, i wasn’t sure how to act around him. He would kinda stay his distance from me and would occasionally glance at me and i would always smile really big. I sat a table for lunch that was near where he sat. We would stare at each other and i would be all jittery with butterflies in my tummy. I was so in love with him regardless of my boyfriends in between. We didnt really talk much besides look at each other once in awhile. But all his friends new i was in love with him and they would tease me about it. There was one day i will never forget, which was when i first got my glasses, and i went to the bathroom during class. I was walking in the hall way and he was passing by with his friend and he said, “You got glasses? They look cute on you.” And i smiled and said thank you…. and once he turned the corner i started skipping and jumping and texting all my friends, “GUESS WHAT GUESS WHAT ANDREW GIBSON TOLD ME I LOOK CUTE WITH MY GLASSES!!” I was so happy that he called me cute. Just that coming from him meant everything to me. I loved him, and i still and always will. It was always random when he would take the time to acknowledge me and when he did, it was the best feeling in the world. Most of the days, he would just look at me and keep walking with his friends. He knew i wanted him still.. in fact everyone in the high school knew. All of his friends in his grade would tell me… you are obsessed with Gibby and i would just be like YUP! I loved that kid more then he’d ever know and i was dying to get him back. No one really knew that we would occasionally talk on the phone for hours long but my friends.
As a sophomore, i ended up switching schools and so did he for his junior year. We were farther apart now. But it still didnt stop our random late night phone calls. There was a few times we actually went on a date to the movies but he would stop talking to me for a whole month or two after. It would always get me all worked up thinking i had a chance with him but he still wasn’t ready.
After awhile i did not see him much unless his football team was playing against our old school or my new school.
April 16, 2011 and we bumped into each other at my friends kick back. I was already buzzed and i had a bottle of tequila. I saw him and got so excited! He was with his friends from his new school so i gladly introduced myself as his ex girlfriend who still loved him. I kept trying to give them some of my drink because i wanted him to be on my level. We made out!!! I was so happy until the next door neighbor said they were calling the cops cause there was about 50-70 people there. So everyone scrammed. I told Andrew to keep in touch and to respond to me! That night i went home and messaged him on Facebook and told him that i had fun with him and that i still really liked him. Then i see that he had asked another girl to prom the week after and i got so upset. Why didnt he ask me? So after i told him how i felt, i stopped talking to him.
Towards the end of June, i got a call from a blocked number and the guy said, this is Gibby, i know you still want me lets get back together. I knew it wasn’t Andrew so i hung up. I called Andrew and i said, Hi and he said Who’s this, I said its Savannah. He said, Oh hey whats up how are you and my heart dropped… thinking to myself, oh my gosh oh my gosh.. and i said I’m good how are you and he said I’m good I’m about to go to the gym with Victor and i said oh sorry i don’t mean to bother but i was wondering did you just call me? And he said no i got a new phone so i didn’t even have your number and i said oh okay someone prank called me pretending to be you but never mind anyways don’t want to bother you and he said no its okay how you been? What are you up too? And i said oh not much just looking forward to summer and he said we should hang out next week, and i said yeah just text me and he said okay bye! Oh my gosh my heart was racing an i ran to my sister to tell her!
The following week we had planned for him to come over. I was so nervous, and i knew he was too because he said what are we going to do and i said i don’t know what ever you want and he said lets just watch a movie. I could tell he was scared we would have sex. So i went to meet up with him up my street and we walked to my house together, and we both had huge smiles on our face. It was really hot outside, and i was wearing black jeans and a sweatshirt. So when we got to my house, i showed him my room and then i said I’m going to change really quick as i started taking my pants off. He was like oh okay and started to close the door and i said no its okay you don’t have to close it and he was just staring at me, and then it happened. Before i could put on my shorts, he started kissing me and i told him, are you sure you want to do this and he said yes. As much as i would love to go into detail about it, some things are better kept as memories in which i will cherish.
So after that day, surprisingly he kept talking to me and we dated for 2 months until i went to his little sisters birthday party on August 13 2011. We were in his room watching a movie, an he said i have to ask you something an i said okay, and i was really scared. He said no no never mind and i said no tell me! And he said… will you be my girlfriend? and I said are you kiddi
ng me!!! YESS!!! and we kissed! I sent out a mass text to all my girlfriends that have known since day 1 that i wanted him back when we broke up years back. Then he said i need to tell you something an i said okay… and he said i don’t know if i should say it and i said no tell me! And he said, i love you. And then again i sent out a text saying OMG HE JUST TOLD ME HE LOVES ME!!! Of course i said it back because i have been saying it to him over the years! It was the best day of my life. I have never felt more content in life. Those years of wishing every night at 11:11 to make him want me back, or to be back with him, or to marry him and every candle i blew out on my birthday wishing he would come back to me and now it finally happened!!
But there was one thing that scared me…… I wouldn’t be chasing him anymore. I wouldn’t be calling him and having those late night hours talking to him and telling him i love him and him not saying it back. There wouldn’t be those sparks of “oh my gosh he talked to me” anymore. I finally got him back, and i felt a sense of confusion. I wanted him back so bad but i was terrified to loose him again. He promised me we would never break up and we would get married. He knew i was the one…
That was the beginning of our journey.
Processing your request, Please wait....The first of February, 2001, i was born. People were happy. People said they loved me and how adorable i was.
I actually was a happy kid and it seemed to go all good ways with my life. Untill..
…We moved to another city. I have a very dry skin and i talked a little different from the kids there. Nobody wanted to come near me; they thought my skin condition could kill them or so. I know it sounds pathetic, but as a 7 year old, and a new one, its pretty damn fucked to see nobody dares to touch you.
So eventually people noticed they could touch me, which was nice, but they still didn’t really seem to like me. But oh well i had some people to talk to. Untill one girl started joking about my skin again. Since my skin was so dry, i left skinflakes and scratched alot. So she scratched her arms, making a scratching sound and sang: Let it snow! Ghh ghh! LET IT SNOWW!
That kept going for a while. But then, all of a sudden.. Older kids started picking on me too.. They would chase me and scream: SLUT! SLUT! SLUT! All together and nobody seemed to care about me, not even the teachers.
When I went to middle school, i felt like i could start all over again.. So i did. I tried my best to be liked. And i guess i kinda was.. So i felt safe to become me a little more again.. Which i shouldnt have done! They started hating me again. I got bullied again. And the fact that i am bisexual, doesnt really help. It went on for two more years, and then i had to change schools ( this is something in our school system)
Once i started at that other school, i decided to start all over again, but stay how they wanted me this time. I was pretty happy at this point: i had my two best friends with me too. Until…
…one of them started to reveal who she really was.. This is a complicated thing.. So let me say it short and as clear as possible: she is a kinda girl who needs 100% of your attention. Like she is a queen or so. And then i got a boyfriend.. The guy ive liked for almost 2 years! I was so happy! Untill she started ruining it.. She wanted me to hang out with her everythime she felt like it. She couldnt stand me being friends with other people too, so she turned in into an evil *****. ( i dont call people names that fast, but she has done so much to me) she randomly started to punch me as i walked by.. She wrote my name and phone number everywhere throughout school.. “Text this whore” “This slut fucks for free” “she’ll send nudes because she is soooo desperate for attention”. I decided to ignore her. I’m not really hurt by what she does. I’m just so incredibely angry at her. So she is a *****. I know. But there was a second best friend.. I really trusted her. I really felt safe with her.. But i found out that today.. She stooped as low as ***** #1… That did hurt.. Now i have nobody anymore. Except one girl and my boyfriend.
This was kinda it.. All i wanted to say. Thanks for reading it..
<3
Processing your request, Please wait....Find love.
Find faith.
Find truth.
Find acceptance.
As for me, I’ve found mine.
In the warmth of my reaper.
Her hand is gently grasping mine at the gates.
I’ve waited and wanted a true unconditionally accepting love.
Not once have I thought it would be her loving heart that would welcome me home.
She greets me warm. Her smile is intoxicating.
Her grip is strong, enough to break my will and see her true beauty.
Now I will just say good bye.
Processing your request, Please wait....I just finished my college classes and I’m in vacation now.
I called up my old friends but none of them wanted to hangout.. So I’m not going to insist.
I just wanted to have some sort of fun before I start classes again this summer. Which is in like 13 days.
It just sucks that I have no friends to hangout with or share my interest with.
And I constantly ask myself, is there something wrong with me? Because it seems like I just can’t keep friends or make them.
Anyways people aren’t What they used to be.
I remember having so many friends that actually cared about me but now- there’s absolutely no one left. Or anyone interested in being my friend.
Usually this doesn’t get to me but since I’m not keeping busy with school I guess it just kinda feels lonely.
Overall, not to brag or anything but I’ve always been a down to earth person. And I always got along with just anybody but where the down to earth people at? Kuz it seems like I just don’t fit in with the uptight people I’m always around in college.
So what if I drink alcohol to have fun or smoke a little weed here and there. Everyone looks at me like a creep.
so what if I like flashing people when I’m buzzed lol or like singing out loud or skinny dip in the dark in the ocean.
i just like to have fun and let loose and be care free once Ina while and enjoy what life has to offer.
I just have no one to share that with.
And honestly a lot of people care too much about what other ppl think. And don’t let loose.
Does this happen to some of you?
it seems like everyone is too cool for me
I just wish I could meet people that don’t give a dam about trying to be cool or worry about there status quo.
I guess it’s maybe because I don’t go out there anymore.
Processing your request, Please wait....My psychiatrist wanted to up my medication. I refused. So, instead of letting it go, my psychiatrist is giving me some time to think about it. I haven’t been taking it still, but my Mum’s getting my prescription tomorrow and making me restart it again.
I have just under 2 months to decided whether I want to up the dosage or not. Honestly, I can feel myself getting worse each day. My depression is getting bad again, and all I want to do is just give up.
The voices are getting too much, and I can’t tell anyone. There’s no point telling my family because they can’t help and just tell me to “ignore them because they’re not real and everything they tell me are lies”. Which makes the situation 10x worse because then I start trusting them less. My psychiatrist and therapist both tell me to distract myself and ignore them because they’re thoughts. So, literally nothing and no one helps me when I ask for it.
I’m also going to see my biological father’s family in July in London (I’m not seeing my father, though. I despise him), so I’m terrified of what will happen with the voices for that week.
I should probably mention my Nan works at some sort of therapy/psychiatry place, but hates everything about psychiatry. She told my mum on multiple occasions that she needs to ‘get me out of therapy before I’m 18 so it doesn’t go on my permanent medical record’ or something.
Basically, everyone on my father’s side of the family hate any sort of therapy and are embarrassed I’m in it. They think I exaggerate my symptoms – which is ridiculous because I tell them minimal details. My father also called me a ‘nutter’ several times, and said he and my brother are better off without me. Great.
So, to make the week even more stressful, I need to pretend I’m absolutely fantastic with no mental health problems. Also, Bree will want to come. So I’m not looking forward to the conversation where I have to tell her she can’t – Jeremy will understand, though.
On an even more anxiety-increasing note, two of my college deadlines are next week. Tuesday and Wednesday. Barely half of the work is completed for either project, so I think it’s safe to say I will fail this year and then be dropped from next year. Fun.
Processing your request, Please wait....Reality is boring
real-life is boring
real-world is boring
not like movies, comics, novels, anime manga, video games !
also,
I hate Humans , Humans suck
I hate Human , Human suck
I hate Humanity, Humanity suck
I hate people , people suck
Most humans / people only think about Money ,
and this reality is boring !
reallife is boring !
realworld is boring !
people / humans are so shallow, superficial, stupid, ignorant
Humanity is hopeless
if there is God , then God is boring !
even Science is boring too !
Science fiction (Sci-fi) is much more interesting than real Science facts !
why we can’t live in movie / movies , video game / video games , comics / comic books , anime , manga ??
I wish superheroes exist
I wish superpower exist
Human’s Imaginations is much more interesting than reality / real-life / real-world !!
I want to live in X-Men , Avengers , Marvel’s superhero / superheroes comics / comic books , Batman v Superman , Sword Art Online , Naruto , Bleach , One Piece , Warcraft , DOTA , Star Wars , Game of Thrones , Harry Potter , Lord of the Rings , etc etc !
Human Imaginations is more interesting than real life / real world / reality !!
I wish Virtual Reality (VR) , Transhumanity / Transhuman project , Mutants / Mutations , Space Travel , Time Travel / Time Machine , Teleport / Teleportation technology , Telepathy , Lucid Dream / Lucid Dreaming , Astral Projection , Aliens are real !
bye bye boring reallife
bye bye boring realworld
bye bye boring reality
Suicide is better than boring Reality !
Processing your request, Please wait....Its been a while since ive been on here. I was feeling more positive for a while then it all went to shit. There is something really wrong with me. I subatage my life on purpose. Maybe im looking for rock bottom. Since the last time i posted i took a little trip back to jail. My dad likes to call it summer camp in polite conversation. Lol. I was fighting a serious charge for class x home invasion in illinois which gives you 6-30 years in jail. Last time i couldn’t tell the truth. Not when what i wanted to say could have been seen by the cops. Anyway took a shitty deal. So guess what yep. I did it. I home invaded this piece of shit former friend. He robbed me 4 grand and 3 months later i go to confront the shit and he wont even open his door. I didnt plan on doing what i did. It pissed me off so much the coward wouldnt even come out. He steals my 4 grand and goes and buys fucking coke. Before i even thought about it i had kicked his door down and was punching him in the face again and again. The satisfaction of beating his ass just has no compare. Better than sex. I broke my hand on his face. It was all worth it. If i had it to do over id probably kill the worthless piece of shit. Treat somebody as a friend for over 5 years and they do that shit and laugh at you. Damn straight. Anyway went to jail after he called the cops. That was shitty. Get bailed out and they didnt have shit for evidence just this dicks story. Anyway was out for about year and 3 months fighting it. They revoked my bond cause i was smokin weed. Just cant stop myself. Its the only thing that makes me not wish i was dead. So they sent me back. Got totally fucked over in jail. They tossed me in the hole for a month spent 3 more there so like 4 months total in jail. How sad is this i actually liked the seg better than regular jail. Regular jail has lots of stupid rules and guards that fuck with your mind for fun. In seg they basically let you do whatever you want. Feel like banging on your door all day and night ? Go for it. Want to sing loudly ? Go for it. Never get out of bed to clean up your cell? Sure. Lol what are they going to do put you in jail? It was like being a monkey in the cage. Set off the sprinkler 5 times a day and flood the pod? Why not. There was something honest about it. It wasnt the mind fuck of regular jail. No hope. Thats whats great about seg. No hope. I went on hunger strike and demanded steak every day. Didnt eat for 14 days straight. Then i stopped drinking too. Why? No clean cloths. Yep they took my cloths. Left me with one pair for 8 days. Plus no showers. Started eating again. My teeth were starting to get loose and hurt like hell plus nails were peeling back. They were totally going to just let me die. I settled for a shit deal. Well not that shit. Plead guilty to criminal damage to property and get second chance felony probation. 2 years 200 hours community service.then it all gets wiped like it never happened. Hows that for justice. I bust into a dudes house beat his ass in front of his girlfriend and she comes at me with a maglight flashlight and i grabbed that from her and beat his face a good couple times with that too. He deserved it but still. They let me walk on that kind of shit ? Its all about the money. They want their fucking money there was about 3000 in fines and bla bla. Took that out of the bond plus 10%. So 4000 bucks. Ive been out since feb 17th couldnt take seg. They broke my soul in there. I thought i could do this. I cant i hate my life. Im not even a person anymore. Ive been smoking weed. Pretty stupid right. They can violate me now and sentence me to 1-3 yearz jail and perm felony. Im a second class citizen. I have to go see this dick every month. They havent tested me yet but im pretty much screwed. I have to go in on june 1st. I only lucked out last month cause there was a stand in guy and the month before he wanted to test me but forgot at the end. I just wish i was dead. Without smoking weed i just cant manage my depression. Its the only thing that makes me not wish i was dead all the time. Damned if i do and damned if i dont. Ive gained a bunch of weight stress eating. Feel like total shit. If i had to go back to that hell hole i think ill have to kill myself. Its just not any form of living i want to be around for. Its existing. Thats what this 2 year probation is. Felon so basically unemployable. Totally broke. Food stamps medicaid and free gov cellphone. Theres just like nothing worth living for. I cant wrap my head around the reckless hate in the world. Maybe thats why i fuck myslef like this. I just cant accept them running my life. Fuck their casino. You cant fire someone that already quit. I gave up a long time ago before my life really was total shit. Now that it is im too ***** to do it. Should have done it years ago. Hows that for lifes biggest regret: wish i had committed suicide years ago.
Yours,
Totally fucked
Processing your request, Please wait....I just wanted to say I came closer the other day than ever before. I never attempted, only thought and spoke and wrote and read about dying every day for 30 years. But Thursday I made initial covert arrangements to obtain in a hurry what I would need. It has been a relief to know I can get it done when I want. It’s empowering.
Processing your request, Please wait....Nobody gets it. I dont want help. I dont want to talk. I dont want drugs or therapy or company. I have tried all my life to want to live but I never have wanted it. I didnt ask for this life. I dont want to feel better or try again or look on the bright side or give it time. What i want is to turn it all off.
Processing your request, Please wait....