Lurked here for a long time, this is my first post.
I guess I have joined here and decided to post because I have lost all hope. I lost it long ago, but things are going down hill so fast and I don’t have anything else to do, so I figured I’d post here. I don’t expect to be helped, I don’t think I ever will be, but it might be nice to break the monotony of what I have been doing(nothing).. Anyways, Ill try and give a summary and maybe someone can relate..
I am a 20 year old male, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and depression 5 years ago, and it has been getting worse ever since. Despite therapists, medicines, numerous trips to the local mental institution. I have literally NO friends. I hang out with a couple people sometimes, but they aren’t friends. It has been this way for years. NOBODY understands me. Partly cause where I live, mental illness “doesn’t exist,” and partly because I look the opposite of what I am. I am tall, strong, normal looking, buzz cut, always made great grades. I’m the last person anyone would expect to have my kind of issues. But I hate life. I have NO motivation, I ALWAYS am obsessed with how much I hate life and how much I want to die. I have no friends. I feel totally hopeless. Nothing good has ever happened, things always get worse. I hate hearing shit like things will get better, I understand, suicide is a permanent pain is temporary. For almost 6 years things have been miserable. They won’t ever get better. The only reason I haven’t killed myself yet is because I am totally terrified of it.
Anyways. Sorry that was so long. More than anything I think it’d be cool to see if people relate to this.. I will never be happy, I won’t ever enjoy life, but maybe it could be a little less painful…
15 comments
First, welcome to SP. There are probably quite a few people on SP who can relate to this. I know that I can. For what it’s worth, I’ve had my share of treatment teams providing all sorts of insight and feedback… and I’ve self-made an island to keep others away. Part of it boils down to what you wrote… a lack of understanding. It’s simply easier for me to work on this myself instead of being surrounded by people who simply don’t get it… regardless of whatever education they may have. Don’t get me wrong… I’ve come a long way. Previously, my life was a doomsday scenario… Not so much any more… or at least not as ‘gloom and doom’ as it once was.
Yeah, I can relate. I hate the temporary problem thing. Some people don’t get the chance to recover from being mentally screwed up by life, chance, fate, whatever. It’s impossible to make people understand. Myself, I’m used to being alone… it is easier in many ways, even if it isn’t a choice I made.
I am a rock, I am an island.
I particularly love when people tell you to cheer up, or ask what u have to be so depressed about. When they are mentally mentally well people. That’s always fantastic.
“I hate the temporary problem thing. Some people don’t get the chance to recover from being mentally screwed up by life, chance, fate, whatever. ”
Yep.
Life is the temporary problem, which always ultimately resolves itself, one way or another.
The issue is that the duration of our “temporary problem” (life), also counts as “forever,” unless you “believe” in “more.” Which then decreases the amount of rarity value your finite life can have. If you think this is all there is, then a “temporary” lifetime, is indeed “forever,” and anything that lasts as long as your existence, can be said to be permanent.
“It’s impossible to make people understand.”
Even while i will often resort to that statement myself, i haven’t fully accepted it as true; i don’t want to. I think it’s “implausible,” but it’s still possible to figure out a way that other people can understand well-enough, without having to go through it themselves. One of the few things that keeps me hanging on. I want to figure out a way to make people understand. I want to figure out how to solve some of the problems that permanently ruined my temporary life. But when the hopelessness spikes, i kinda don’t give much of a shit about anything. I still “care,” but i feel like caring doesn’t matter. It does, but it doesn’t. Any amount that anything “matters,” will become irrelevant to me, when i cease to exist.
there’s stuff i want to do, that is technically still possible, and i can’t do any of it if i’m dead… and since i can’t just buy another one, i’m usually not quite ready to throw out what still barely works well enough to justify attempting to use.
“I particularly love when people tell you to cheer up, or ask what u have to be so depressed about. When they are mentally mentally well people. That’s always fantastic.”
With people like that, i either have to stonewall them to remain polite, or i give in to the temptation to be as condescending as possible. Depends on the person and circumstance.
I go the passive aggressive, sarcastic, dripping with honey n repentance “i’m just a stupid girl” route. They always fall for it too. Idiots.
Awesome responses all, thanks! I haven’t ever found someone who really understands.. What I hate is the same people that can be so condescending towards me or my problems(or others with mental illnesses), and have NO empathy for it, are the same people that would look at a cancer patient and feel so “horrible” for them and act like they totally understand and realizes how much pain that person is in.. I don’t want to be so selfish and liken my mental illness to cancer, but I hope my point is at least clear. Just cause my pain isn’t tangible, doesn’t mean it isn’t crippling and horrific.
Every second of being awake is such an immense pain and its so miserable, but people are so close minded. If I were to break my leg, it would hurt like hell, and every body would understand, and that is a truly TEMPORARY pain….
Your illness is as real as diabetes, can be as crippling as arthritis and may need medications and treatment like the others. Just because people don’t see it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, isn’t real and can’t have physical symptoms also. In some instances it can b deadly. If u had diabetes you would get help and take your insulin. So you need to be proactive, you owe NOBODY an explanation as to why you are sick. The friends that don’t stick around aren’t friends. But u aren’t alone.
LostnBroken; Nice post, thanks.. I have been proactive, which is what is even more demoralizing. I have been to so many therapists, taken tons of different medicines, tried various forms of therapy.. Nothing has worked, in fact things have gotten worse.. Although lately things have sort of leveled off, probably cause I am damn near as low as possible..
I have mostly given up on getting better, but I get some enjoyment out of talking to the rare person who understands(or tries to and isn’t judgmental).
ICheers/puff to the demoralizing part. Just got out of hosp. And some of the nurses were outright MEAN,man. Like, i understand a bad day(don’t we all) or even being apathetic. But mean? On a psych ward? Am i stupid or only one seeing bit of issue here? Don’t we want calm nurses that are at least civil? At the moment I’m going thru withdrawal from my most helpful Med cuz i shrank to Skeletor(i say next years Halloween costume!!!)& i feel like crap n am pissy as Hell. Want a punching bag or a fight……snarl. ***** complain.moan.
Oh…..and i’m getting worse too…..they dunno why. Most w my disorder get better in my age bracket(course its also highest suicide rate so dunno who the idiot taking these stats is………)
LostnBroken; About the nurses, I know EXACTLY what you mean. I swore my last stay at the hospital would be my last, and I haven’t been back since(not because I am any better, but because I will do anything not to go back..). There were several nurses I met throughout my numerous stays at the hospital who were MEAN people. Every time. And it wasn’t apathy, they were actively mean and rude and vengeful. You bipolar? Is that what you are referring to? I don’t know you or your age, but I was diagnoses with bipolar and severe depression when I was 15 and almost 6 years later I am still a mess..
Its like the nurses wanted to tip you over the edge. So u wouldn’t come back. No, not bipolar, & been living with it a lot longer. No cure “but symptoms may be eased with medication”. I’m primarily BPD and ADHD with OCD tendancies. And i’m a mess. Diagnosed ur age, lifelong sufferer. I’m not going to lieand say “it gets better” but with time and THE RIGHT meds you get stronger. I’m older than you……but not ancient 🙂
You learn to fight, you learn to not let it win.
I want to hope you are right, but I am very doubtful.. The few times things started to SEEM better for a brief period, it never lasted and each depression and mood swing and rage and mania and whatever was always worse than the last. Probably because I got my hopes up and they were all for nothing(they really were for nothing… the few times my life got better briefly were either not real or false hopes..)
I guess you can only get fucked over so many times before you get as cynical as I am.. I don’t know.
You say you learn to fight, and again, I want to hope I do learn that with age.. But I sort of doubt it for myself. Ive tried fighting it so many times, and each failure was more spectacular than the last. I am at the point where I have NO energy left for fighting, all my energy goes to getting out of bed every day and staying out of it for the day.. Again, I really want to hope you are right, and I am open minded so I am open to the possibility, and I would love for it to happen..
Maybe one day.. Maybe