Do you know that girl that always goes for the asshole.. Whether it be because she feels like she’s not good enough, she loves him, she’s scared or a lot of other things.. That’s me. I’m that girl that went out with a guy that I “love” for two, almost 3 years. Cussing at me, hitting me and manipulating me was his game.. He made me believe it wa my fault for him having sex with girls because I wouldn’t. He would just tell me the worst of things.
I loved him so much. He would tell me when he would want to kill himself and I would help him through it.. That was the first year, he still hurt me and yelled.. But it felt okay to me because then he would make that up by showing his love for a day or two.. Then came year number two.. He continuously yelled at me, used my past bad happenings against me.. Telling me that I was fat and useless just like my parents said.. Telling me I’m a little slut because I was dressing like one; though he told me what not to wear and what to wear. Told me he was going to kill himself or hurt someone if I didn’t do what he asked for.. Or If I didn’t come over.. So I got tired of it and I told myself “Next time he asks to come, I’ll break up with him” it was around 2am when he asked me.. We fought for hours until I agreed to stay with him and spend the night because I live far and he wanted his last goodbye. So I fell asleep.. I woke up with this pain and he was having sex with me.. I was screaming and screaming hoping someone will just save me out of this.. He put me in a lock I couldn’t get out of until he finished. “I jizzed inside of your nice *****” he said and I tried getting away, i couldn’t stop shaking or crying.. He pushed me and told me to go away.. I walked home crying and asking god to take my virginity back. But of course it didn’t happen..
The friends that he got to hate me.. Were all of my friends and my family hated me so I had no one.. So I did what any other lonely person would do. I got back with him and treated him like a king so he wouldn’t leave; while he streamed me like dirt. I gained my closest friends back and gained some pretend confidence and told him he would have to respect me or leave. So he left and dated a close friend of mine. I let that be, I just felt bad for her whenever they would fight.
I got some help.. I went to Alexian and they diagnosed me with post traumatic stress, social phobia and depression. I was deep into all of them and I didn’t get any better once I got out.
I still have my attacks everyday. I still cry everyday, i cut, I contemplate suicide everyday, I hate myself everyday and it’s hard to trust. It’s hard to be around people.
I just wanted to be saved.
7 comments
I believe you already saved yourself by distancing from him. I know there are people that really tell their couples they want to kill themselves (i did once, but because i was depressed), but doing it as a mean of manipulation is bs… and what he did to you should not be forgiven… really, don’t go back with him even if he treatens you, it would be the worst mistake you could make, just try to go on for yourself.
I know, but I can’t stop thinking about it.. Thank you for your feedback though..:/
There is absolutely NO excuse for any guy (or woman) to treat someone like that. You call him a guym he isn’t a guy at all, not even an animal. I truly have a deep disgust for any “man” who would treat a woman like that, and I seriously think he should be in a jail, and thats after they “cut his thing off”.
He raped you, treated you worse than meat….. He deserves jail for sure.
Let him sit and rot in a cell and make some new “friends” who he can have sex with.
I truly feel terrible for you, and I seriously hope you can find some peace in knowing its all over.
What confounds me is that you knew he was a straight asshole….yet you still got involved with him as if he was going to miraculously become a gentleman afterwords…next time learn to tell this type “no”… I’m sorry you had to go through this but the one thing you must do is learn from it and prevent these types from entering your life… Take care…
I was born August 21st. If that means anything. I also have felt suicidal. =/ =)
I’m not gonna sit here and say I understand the decisions you chose with this guy but in no freaking way does this make it your fault. He is a fucking disgrace but you caved in because you even in the slightest gave a shit. Your a good person. Maybe you fell in love with an asshole but at least you have never lied, cheated, kept secrets, and or ditched others yourself. I only hope you don’t let it eat at you thinking this was “your fault.”
….. and what he did to you that night is unforgiveable. If I had the chance I would bury him in my backyard. He turned into a monster that night. Something all humans have the chance of turning fully into but the only way, the only way he would truely beat you at anything was if you did kill yourself. At that moment would he have truely won and took over another life completely. Your story really pisses me off and I hope you get everything you want and deserve and not the “nothing” that a lot of us crave to have everyday.
I’m sorry for all that you went through. Absolutely no one deserves to go through that. It broke my heart reading this. Please don’t give up. I tell myself one day ill prove the ass holes wrong and so will you. You will find your savior and in the mean time you have us, you have me. Stay Strong Beautiful (: