Why am i afraid of love? I enjoy talking to her and bonding but for some reason i can’t allow myself to get past a certain stage with women. It’s like the initial spark is easy to take in, however i can never make it something serious. I always cut myself off from these connections naturally. Its not because i want to but i do it because i fear of what it could turn out to be. The tought of being in love with somebody sounds nice but it also scares me. I think I’m afraid of allowing myself to be happy with someone and enjoying this journey with somebody else at my side. I’ve done this many times but i wanna give myself a chance this time. I’m not shy or anything like that. In fact its super easy to talk to girls for me but I tend to keep things at a flirty level. I always say to myself “this time I’m down to let her in” but then my old self gets in my way and puts a “danger” sign in front of me. Its almost like I’m expecting for the relationship to go bad before i ever gave it a chance to blossom. I’ve even had women in the past ask me out and I reject them not because i don’t like em but because i feel like I wouldn’t be able to handle the love. So when i tell em “it’s not you, it’s me” they actually think i just don’t enjoy their company but i actually do. I guess I’m an idiot for being this way because i always regret it for not giving myself a chance. I have a feeling this has to do with how my parents suck when it comes to relationships. They can never stay with one partner. They have juggled through a couple already so maybe I’m afraid that I’ll end up like them.
People may view me as outgoing, kind, obnoxious, bitchy, annoying, funny, weird, loud, extrovert, smart or stupid. That how I am in public. In reality i’m lonely, broken, hurt, scared, shy and quiet. No one knows how I truly feel. I don’t trust anyone because I’m always betrayed. I am broken and won’t ask for help.
About two months ago my girlfriend broke up with me, we ended on good terms well in her eyes.. I was destroyed, I thought she was cheating on me because 4 days before she did it she went to hang out with her friend who had a huge crush on her, of what I wasn’t to happy, mainly because it was only going to be them.. She then never said good night or anything she would just disappear, anyway, one of the last things she promised me is that she would never get back with my best friend because he treated her like shit, when we broke up my best friend asked me if there was anyone I didn’t want him to get with and I said her, she was the only person I said, because I didn’t want her getting hurt again and he would always be talking about her so it would hurt, she would always be around, today I found out they have a thing, I wasn’t surprised because they have both lied to me before but what got me was the fact that they were the only people that both promised me that they would not get together again, I have literally no one to help me when I am sad anymore, since we broke up I have been nothing but depressed all the time, I have maybe felt happy twice, I can now not trust my best friend because he tells people my personal business, people know who I like because of him, they know what scares me which is used against me, people know I have anxiety but they make a scene of me in public, but that doesn’t stop them, I cant trust my best friend, I have no one, what do I do….?
I feel like a nobody, and like a burden to the others who do care. I have no health insurance, and a wisdom tooth that needs to come out. Daily I am reminded by excruciating pain, that I need to have it removed. No dental surgeons in the area and even out of my area, are willing to do payment plans for me. My husband even offered to sell his play station to put a down payment onto the bill, and no go! I feel like if I am not rich, or have insurance, I am a nobody who deserves to be in pain and not get care! I can find a low cost vet easier then I can find a Low cost dental surgeon! :'( maybe I should just kill myself, that’s how this makes me feel! I don’t know what to do anymore. I am almost out of the toradol the hospital gave me and TRUST me the hospital and the health department doesn’t look positively on you if you go asking for meds for pain, they will label you as a druggie pill popper or among other things, and honestly I just need relief for my wisdom tooth :'(
Family & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NoteStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
I am a 14 year old teenager, depressed and suicidal. I know this may sound stupid but does anyone know any pills that will make me pass out if I overdose? I am not exactly trying to kill myself, just a way of revealing my pain to my parent without having to actually talk to them, but let’s just say I wouldn’t care if I died overdosing.
I know I will receive lots of “don’t do this” “you don’t deserve life” and “you’re worth it” but I don’t believe any of that. I hate my life and myself so much, I don’t think anything or anyone can change this. So please, spare me the sweet comments about how everything will get better and I should stay strong because I can’t, I am a weak person who cannot handle anything anymore.
Family & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NoteStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
I have been cutting for about three months now. I cut my wrists, legs and stomach. I have been very good at hiding them, at least I thinks so, but now I have a problem. I’m sick therefore not going to school and left alone at home for the day. My mom’s friend is a doctor and my mom asked her to come over and check upon me, find out why I’m sick and how to recover. I’m so scared that the doctor is going to make me undress, because I’ve been to doctors loads of times before I started self harming and many times I had been asked to remove my clothes, leaving me in my underwear, so that the doctor could do a few tests on me.
If I have to undress, the doctor will literally see all my scars except for the ones hidden under my bracelets. I tried putting concealer on them but they’re still visible. I even called my mom and begged her to not make her friend come, claiming that I was fine but she didn’t listen to me.
Since all I seem to have is a cold, technically the doctor should only check my throat, right? Or will she have me remove my clothes? How can I avoid having to remove my clothes? Tell her I’m a lot better? I don’t know what to do. Or do you know any other ways to hide my scars? Or any other excuses to convince my mom not to let the doctor come, or the doctor not to have me get undressed?
Love is a lie. It’s just misery, suffering, and pain covered up by so called “trust”, but when someone you love abuses your trust, the pain is revealed. The chemicals that make you feel warm around someone only trick you. Nobody can be trusted. Trust isn’t real, there is no certainty. It’s all lies and betrayal, and it only leaves you lonely and scarred.
She plays with razors
She traces he scars
She counts her flaws like she counts stars
You think you know her but you dont
Everyday her thoughts get darker
Her heart sinks a little more
She doesnt see the light anymore
“Open up to me, I won’t judge you.”
“Trust me, I won’t hurt you.”
“I’ll never leave you.”
“I love you.”
All the lies they told me.
This probably isn’t the best idea, but…
I’ll get straight to the point. I’m doing this because so many people on here don’t have someone they can confide in reliably and honestly, its the same for me. But if you want to, you can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
I don’t have much of a social life so I’ll try to respond as soon as possible to any emails. Please, if you really need someone, don’t hesitate. I know I’m not much but I’ll try my best to help you out or at least listen to what you have to say…
It’s funny how things work out. I’ve been through so much pain and so many trials. I never thought I would make it this far. God gives you darkness to build you up, then He gives you light to show you that you made it. My boyfriend has brought me back to Him and showed me there is something much bigger than my problems. I stay reading the Bible and I stay in prayer while he does the same. Thing is in a relationship, “if he’s not helping you to become a better person, succeed, and be happy, you need to let him go.” I had to learn that for myself many times. I know I have a great deal of potential just like everyone else who has been through struggling and depression, suicidal thoughts or actions and self harming. Trust me I’ve been there and I’m seriously only 15 about to be 16, I was walking blindly through the dark ever since I was 5 years old. But if you get your mind on God, He will bring you out. Again if you need someone to talk to, not just about God or religion cause I know some people don’t like that I didn’t either, I’m always here on my email email@example.com. People go through things because they need to build up. Don’t beat yourself, hold on and see what’s coming. There is a prize at the end of this life for so many people on her. There are going to be mandatory downs and choice ups, “choice ups” which means you decide if you want to bounce back from that problem and become a happier person or stay down and continue to suffer. That is all decided by one person, YOU.
All of this is so triggering, I try to ignore the temptation to make my wrists raw. That’s all on me, though, I should just avoid reading some of the stuff on here I guess…
Since you’re reading this…
Tell me some ways you make yourself feel better (even if it only makes you feel slightly better..) Trust me… I’ll need it
People can just really screw you over sometimes. Each and every person is capable of being disloyal, dishonest, fake, or cruel. so why take the risk? If there is any possible chance that someone will leave or lie or whatever, why go to them for help?
Youre all you’ve got in the world.
Theres nothing that scares me more than the word “alone”. Whenever I hear this, my heart speeds up a bit. I think that’s my biggest fear: being alone. But I am. I can’t trust anyone but myself. And I can’t even trust myself in some situations. It’s terrifying. I am unpredictable. And maybe that is what is most dangerous about me.
I am not properly diagnosed or anything but I feel like I’m bipolar. One minute I’m the happiest girl in the world, the next im crying my eyes out, then I’m just plain angry at everyone. What’s wrong with me?
i want what everyone else wants. To be happy. And to be happy, I can’t be alone. And to not be alone, I have to be able to trust. But that’s impossible when everyone around me just doesn’t understand and will leave. They run away. They always have.
I guess i have a choice. I can either take a chance and try to trust someone or I can stay in this hell I call loneliness.
believe it or not, it’s not an easy decision.
Do you know that girl that always goes for the asshole.. Whether it be because she feels like she’s not good enough, she loves him, she’s scared or a lot of other things.. That’s me. I’m that girl that went out with a guy that I “love” for two, almost 3 years. Cussing at me, hitting me and manipulating me was his game.. He made me believe it wa my fault for him having sex with girls because I wouldn’t. He would just tell me the worst of things.
I loved him so much. He would tell me when he would want to kill himself and I would help him through it.. That was the first year, he still hurt me and yelled.. But it felt okay to me because then he would make that up by showing his love for a day or two.. Then came year number two.. He continuously yelled at me, used my past bad happenings against me.. Telling me that I was fat and useless just like my parents said.. Telling me I’m a little slut because I was dressing like one; though he told me what not to wear and what to wear. Told me he was going to kill himself or hurt someone if I didn’t do what he asked for.. Or If I didn’t come over.. So I got tired of it and I told myself “Next time he asks to come, I’ll break up with him” it was around 2am when he asked me.. We fought for hours until I agreed to stay with him and spend the night because I live far and he wanted his last goodbye. So I fell asleep.. I woke up with this pain and he was having sex with me.. I was screaming and screaming hoping someone will just save me out of this.. He put me in a lock I couldn’t get out of until he finished. “I jizzed inside of your nice *****” he said and I tried getting away, i couldn’t stop shaking or crying.. He pushed me and told me to go away.. I walked home crying and asking god to take my virginity back. But of course it didn’t happen..
The friends that he got to hate me.. Were all of my friends and my family hated me so I had no one.. So I did what any other lonely person would do. I got back with him and treated him like a king so he wouldn’t leave; while he streamed me like dirt. I gained my closest friends back and gained some pretend confidence and told him he would have to respect me or leave. So he left and dated a close friend of mine. I let that be, I just felt bad for her whenever they would fight.
I got some help.. I went to Alexian and they diagnosed me with post traumatic stress, social phobia and depression. I was deep into all of them and I didn’t get any better once I got out.
I still have my attacks everyday. I still cry everyday, i cut, I contemplate suicide everyday, I hate myself everyday and it’s hard to trust. It’s hard to be around people.
I just wanted to be saved.
Do the wounds or damage caused by a personsÂ past ever fade or go away? With me the answer is always no. Everywhere i turn there’s someone or something that reminds me of a past i wish wasn’t mine. My past has changed me in ways i wish it hadn’t. Because i don’t believe i was meant to be someone with an inability to trust anyone, someone whose afraid to trust someone enough to let them in , because trust means giving someone your heart and trusting them not to break it. But, i’ve been burned so many times by those closest to me, my mum, my best friend of almost a decade, and many other people but those are the most significan. But it’s the constant betrayal of those i choose to trust, that leaves me withÂ emotional and physical scars that never fade or go away that remind me of all my past failures and that leaves me paralyised. and life is suppose to be about finding someone who you can connect with and trust with all your heart, but how can you do that heartbreak afterÂ heartbreak…when you’ve been rejected, betrayed and burned by every relationship you’ve ever had. How can i keep taking a leap of fate, giving someone my heart and trusting them not to break, when thats all that’s ever happened to me?
Today felt like a rollercoaster for me. my day started pretty good, yeah I had some troubles with waking up and getting out of bed, but that’s quite normal for me. I was at time for my therapy. I have 5 days a week therapy from 9 am till 3 pm. Well, also that started prettu good, until the section visual arts. We had to draw the vulnerable side of ourselfs. I became very emotional of my drawing (I was drawing the word ‘trust’ with the first t as a cross) and when we were done, we had to say what you’ve had drawn and our therapist was going to ask some questions. Because the word ‘trust’ is for me so meaningful and literal my vulnerable side, I got really emotional and I had to cry. After that therapy I had to cry another time while we had lunch. My mood went down and I couldn’t think clearly anymore. Now I’m still thinking about all of it, especially the ‘trust’ part. I’m curious if I’m able to sleep (it’s 11 pm now here), we’ll see. Goodnight everybody
Just 5 letters.
A simple word.
But it’s not quite simple to trust.
I can’t trust anyone, even not myself.
I will never trust people for 100%.
Actually, I always had effort with trusting people, but after the times people used and harmed my trust so many times, I know I’ll never trust people for 100%. I never trusted people very quickly, but after everything that happened, it’s a miracle when I trust someone a little bit.
Trust is a word I don’t really like to hear.
It’s a word that’s much more difficult than you would think.
Does trust actually exists??
Just a poem I’ve written a few days ago. I’ve written it because I can’t trust anyone and nobody understands it because it’s almost normal for those people, so I had to write it down in a poem to express my feelings.
~ Trust is something that everyone needs,
but how can you trust people when they’ve harmed the trust you’ve had in people so many times?
How can you trust people when you even can’t trust yourself?
How can you trust people when you are constantly afraid they will leave you?
How can you have trust in people when you realize it’s unpossible to trust people?~
~Poem written by myself~
So me and my ex just had this HUGE fucking fight about cutting. (It was a big fight considering I had anÂ anxietyÂ attack) He’s never cut and he didn’t know I did. I felt like it was time to tell him so I did. HeÂ flippedÂ shit on me and told me he would kill himself (which he won’t). He said he loves me and wants to be with me. I am the same but I told him I wasn’t going through his shit again. I told him also that if he wanted to be with me again he had to earn a hall of a lot of respect and trust back. Now we are starting over and acting like we just meet. I don’t fucking trust him nor will I for a very long time. He’s the one that fucked me up like this in the first place. He told me to promise I wouldn’t cut again though…..I’ve been through this shit before..back to rubber bands, ice and pain pills.
Life has been pretty hard lately. I’ve been really sad quite often Â for pretty much no reason and I never want to get out of bed, like ever. I try doing homework and then I decide to just sit there staring or surf the web or go back to sleep. It scares me, I don’t want to feel this way. I wish I could talk to someone about the way I feel but I don’t feel like there’s anyone I can trust.
It’s worse when I’m tired, I just sit there and hardly talk at all and feel terrible and all I want is for someone to ask me if I’mÂ OKÂ and know that I’m lying when I say that I’m fine. But nobody ever does so I just feel hopeless and alone. I wonder if my roommates have noticed that I’m not the same as I used to be. That I’m not funny anymore, that I don’t talk as much.
I feel like I’m reverting to a person that I used to be. The person who thought she was worthÂ absolutelyÂ nothing. The person who thought nobody would care if she died, so what was the point of living? I never wanted to be that person again but what if I can’t stop it? What if that person rises up andÂ swallowsÂ me before I can do anything about it. I don’t think I can do stop her by myself Â but there’s no one to help me. And it just makes me feel powerless to keep the depression from taking me overÂ completely. And I don’t know who to turn to and I don’t know if I need professional help. I don’t know anything. So I just keep trying to push my way through this alone, hoping that it doesn’t end up killing me. Hoping that I somehow manage to stay a few steps away from the bottom of that pit even as I inch closer and closer every day.
Sometimes I’m terrified of myself but that’s better than the times that it doesn’t matter when I think about killing myself. I’d rather be scared of that thought than to feel nothing at the prospect or even worse to feel envious of the relief that it could bring. I’ve been in all of those mindsets at one time or another lately.
I never take off the mask that I wear that tells everyone else I’mÂ OK. I wish I could, and sometimes I loosen it and the sadness shows through, but I blame it on being tired or stressed and nobody knows that really it’s eating me inside, destroying the person I was or wish I could be. If I could take off the mask and show people how I really feel maybe that would be the way to find someone to help me get back to the way I was, happy except for the times that I’m sad instead of sad except for the times when I’m numb or pretending to be happy. But my trust issues are too strong, so I can’t let it go.