I think the most crushing force one can invite upon themselves is guilt and shame. It has driven many great, able men to their graves prematurely. Of which, I am not great or able. I am simply, stupid, and unworthy.
Sometime ago, I had become suicidal. Many days went by, and in order to hold on to the world that was crumbling around me, I made a desperate suicide attempt for attention. those days are long gone. I would never do anything like that again.
I did that, because I wanted the ones I still loved deeply to still be my friends. I had admitted to a long long love (many many years) that I enjoyed our time together more than just friendship. The result was, she ceased talking to me. So I lied, and cheated my way back into her friendship. However, I told her after a small period of time that I really lied to you to talk to you again. I am the same person I was before I admitted myself to you. After which, she completely rejected me. So I went on a death march out of desperation. She called me up and said we would work things out, we could still be friends. So I waited for her, in the middle of nowhere where I had planned to pull the trigger. She never showed up. Instead, 3 hours later, the police did. Never heard a word from her again, 1 year later.
it has been 1 year, and the shame and guilt of my lies, and admitting to her that I cared for her, have eaten my soul away. As well, I have lost friends because they don’t understand. I lost another female friend because she wanted more, though I am incapable of moving beyond what I did.
What I did was so selfish, so evil, that I have felt nothing but remorse, guilt, and deep shame and worthlessness for it. 1 year later, with no friends, and no more hope. I have fallen from having three amazing friends and people in my life, to nothing. Now I have this keyboard. This time, I feel as if I will pull the trigger.
15 comments
Everyone deals with regret and shame…
All you can do is repair what you can, say I am sorry,
then LET IT GO.
Unresolved issues steals the joy from many a life.
Dear UnforgivenB,
That is an honest post. You are not evil, you just had a need to be loved and tried control your way into it. We are people and we screw up. You have learned much about yourself in the reflection of the past it sounds like. You can’t force love, it should happen freely, and it will. Until then then, remember what has happened and make future decisions based on what you have learned. As HealingInHisWings wrote, Resolve the issue inside yourself, then Let It Go.
Why should you feel shame and guilt for having told someone you love them ? Believe me, there isn’t a person alive (unless they’re psychopathic, and incapable of feeling for someone else) who doesn’t like to hear that they’re loved. It’s impossible. The fact that she didn’t want to/could not reciprocate is another matter all together. You’re probably (forgive me for playing virtual psychiatrist) feeling intense rejection pain. That’s perfectly normal, although intensely painful (as I well know, unfortunately).
I repeat: THERE IS NOTHING SHAMEFUL OR GUILT-PROVOKING IN TELLING SOMEONE YOU LOVE THEM
On the contrary, it is something very beautiful; the world needs MORE love, not less.
OnlyLOVEIsReal, I have been reading some of your replies. You are one the sweetest people around here. Always show compassion. Wish there were more people like you
Givemesomepeace i Appreciate that, just to let you know though, i had to fall very far before i woke up. We all have the potential to be the greatest! I use to use my talents and time to destroy. I was a destroyer. I am almost sick just recalling the atrocities i carried out. I finally woke up. When i write i could be the next Stalin, Hitler Poll Pot…..i could. The world needs, more Gandi, Jesus, Buddha…..that is what i choose. We all have the choice. We are all have the compassion in us, the ego really stands in the way of letting it reach the full potential.
26) The Savior said There is no sin, but it is you who make sin when you do the things that are like the nature of adultery, which is called sin.
27) That is why the Good came into your midst, to the essence of every nature in order to restore it to its root.
28) Then He continued and said, That is why you become sick and die, for you are deprived of the one who can heal you.
29) He who has a mind to understand, let him understand.
These are from the Gospel of Mary…these are the words of Jesus…reported to the ones who knew Him best. This is Gnosticism. This is what Jesus came to teach. You have already been forgiven. You just have to forgive yourself. I know it isn’t easy…I have been working on it for ever myself. There is no penitence or hell other than the one we create in our own minds. No one can punish us the way we do.
This is what I learned this week with the help of some very brave souls on this site:
Guilt and shame are a waste of time. You cannot change the past anyway.
When we Know better…we must Do better…that is all that is required. So forgive yourself…everyone else already has.
You are only human after all…just like all the rest of us.
Love and Light
Ama
Auntie Ama. my young friend. Once again i find your words wise in nature.
Hi Ama –
Well-written comment.
“You cannot change the past anyway.” “So forgive yourself…”
That’s something I’m working on… essentially, it’s letting go. Wise advice.
OMG It is not wise advice. Seriously. It is The Way. And we are all on it. This just happens to be one of my particular demons that I am currently wrestling with. And I would like to hijack this post in order to thank all the Souls on SP…even the ones that poked back..hahaha…for finally making me wake up. That is all. Just sharing what the unconditional love on SP really looks like. We are all suffering…but we can’t be bad people truly…cuz we find solace for our wounded Souls by trying…trying…I admit..trying to help others and ultimately ourselves. I offer no solutions or advice anymore. I have no place to speak from. sigh. I’m sure I will continue to screw up until I exorcise all my demons..demons of my own construction. But you guys help me get rid of a big one the last few days. Did it hurt? You’re fucking right it did…but I persevered on my misguided path…until someone finally got through to me. And I stopped and realized what I was doing. And then I changed.
I sincerely want to apologize to any I hurt or offended or caused pain…in the chaos of my own pain. Just know that you were an integral part in saving yet again…that saved a wretch like me. I feel enormous gratitude where there was once anger and hate and blame. I talked the talk so long….I finally get to walk the walk. Thank you SP angels…especially Clevername.
I am going to post something just for you. No religion. I promise. I abhor religion. hahaha I am free. Atleast until it is time for the next painful lesson. hahaha
Live, Learn, Love and Laugh…always laugh(usually at myself)
Ama is back
sorry for the hijack OP no disrespect intended
@Ama: I don’t think you did anything you need to apologize for, at least not to everyone in general. You had a drawn-out back and forth with someone. That’s not a bad thing so long as you both came to some amicable resolution, which you did. 🙂 I’ve got into some crazy fights before with people that would put that one to shame. Haha.. but life is change, and learning is part the whole thing. Sometimes learning demands conflict, and conflict is itself not a bad thing unless it’s protracted and one or both parties refuse to grow beyond it.
@ Lorax
Yup…that was one of the toughest lessons I’ve learned in a good long while. I remember back in the day…One_Day tried to tell me what I had to learn…but I refused to listen. I can’t change yesterday…but I can change today…and I have. That is all.
I’m just doing the hard step. hahaha I have apologized and asked for forgiveness from those I “believe” I may have wronged or harmed…and now I’m right to work forgiving myself…so I can move on. Apparently there was a big hook in my own ass…no need for a log. hahaha Don’t worry I have plenty of squirrels in hamster balls left. I am sure the fun is far from over. But then since I am soooo stoopid and such a slow learner…I’m just gonna have to stick around and try to graduate from the nut farm we call Earth. I’m gonna blow my doctor’s mind. Yes I AM.
Nut anyone?
Ama
You’re not stupid. 😛 Your human. It’s a damn sight harder to learn anything about yourself than it is to learn about other people, or other things outside yourself. It’s one of those weird paradoxes of subjective experience. And there’s nothing wrong with that – everyone has the same problem to the same extent. Just takes some patience and gentleness towards yourself. You’re really sweet, and have a lot of love and compassion for the people you talk with, and that makes you well-advanced on the learning curve already. Nobody ever stops learning, though. It’s a lifelong process. It’s like Bob Dylan said, “I was so much older then, I’m younger than that now.” I thought that bit of lyrical musing was right up there with, “Everybody must get stoned,” and, “Me, I romp and stomp, thankful as I romp; without freedom of speech, I might be in the swamp.” 😀
oh Lorax…shame shame hahaha we are all stoopid…it is the current human condition after all…absurdity…and I am human after all. haha
True dat, and therein lies the cure to it all. 😀
i know the feeling. its one of the darkest, hellious loop. you said it right, it “eats the soul away”. one becomes utterly weak internally. however i will say this: wait. it doesn’t change one as deeply as he thinks it do. once things become normal, as they’ll do over time, you’ll be back.