ideas please

i.Am.DeAd,

I am a suicide survivor. I have attempted to hang myself repeatedly and when not doing so, I batter myself. My most recent brush with suicide, approx. 3 weeks ago, left me suspended from my closet shelf until I passed out and the weight broke the belt. My sister walked in on me half conscious. In that moment, I had a revelation about pain. Pain is constant, it transcends the individual who is self-destructive and consumes those around them. Whether or not this is the goal one wishes to achieve by suicide, this is ultimately what happens, especially in families. I think it is also important to note, that my sister was also suicidal in her early teens.

Just as she had walked in on me, several years before my older brother discovered my sister, drunk holding a bloody cloth wrapped loosely around her slashed wrist.
It is to my dismay that I cannot see with other’s eyes, that I cannot objectively view myself in my destructive state, so that I can empathize with my family and with myself more. If I could do that, I would understand one thing about my death, my pain would be their only inheritance. The Pain does not stop with death.

As long as I am I able,
I will fight the pain,
Until it is defeated.