Today just feels right.
I am calm, I am at peace, and I want to die.
I mean I’ve been thinking about it a lot, I am on a suicide website after all but today it’s different.
I don’t like making decisions when I am angry or sad cuz I’m afraid I might regret it. And normally i don’t make the right choices during a heightened emotional state, but today my mind is clear.
Today everything is clear. I have fully accepted my life, my decisions and how hopeless my future really is. I think that acceptance has given me peace. I never thought pure hopelessness could feel so comfortable. Nothing to hold on to, nothing to miss, there is no hope left. How oddly refreshing not having to worry about my future, I don’t have a future.
I’m just slowly disappearing in this moment, there is no more before or after, nothing to worry about. I don’t even feel depressed. Is this really how it feels like to finally just let go of it all? To just disappear into non-existence?
My letters are written my plan is sitting on the table. A simple decision, and my pain will forever disappear. Actually I am a little disappointed, I thought I will resist this a little more. I thought I will wait until I am 30, I thought I will be crying out loud and make a big fuss. NOPE.
Well just wanted to say this is it. I’m not expecting to get anywhere, hell? heaven? but i guess I’ll find out.
Tomorrow the sun will rise, people are made and destroyed, just another day, I just don’t have to see it, I HOPE.
I’m tired, I QUIT…
4 comments
Hi… I agree about nto making decisions when emotions are running high. It can lead to problems. So what’s going on? You mentioned not wanting to wait until 30 and not wanting to resist your feelings any more. What changed your mind?
*not
“I think that acceptance has given me peace. I never thought pure hopelessness could feel so comfortable.”
Don’t knock it ’til you try it, right?
I keep trying to tell people this. To let go of “false” or “impossible” or “unattainable” (at least, implausible) hope, is quite liberating. It reduces some of what makes us suffer so acutely. If you let go of all that excess desire and expectation, it allows you to more clearly observe and assess the more immediate conditions and circumstances of your existence.
So, if acceptance gives you peace and is more comforting than you expected… why not embrace that, savor it, let it feel good for a while?
I know, “because it doesn’t change anything,” right? But it changes how and why you feel, at least a little bit; enough for you to be surprised by it. To let go of those excess requirements to merely exist, should reduce the stress and anguish, which will improve the experiencing of your existence.
Like i said elsewhere, just a little while ago: “what’s important is how you feel while you’re doing it, while it’s happening… not so much the destination you hope to reach.” How you experience each passing moment, is “life.” This is the “it’s a journey” part. To appreciate it as it transpires, in the moment, in the experience, in each step, is the better aim.
I feel like i’m failing to articulate exactly what i want to convey, here.
I feel exactly like you. Even though it is some what tranquil I know what must be done.