I come to this website often with so many thoughts weighing heavy on my chest, but when I open a new post, I don’t know how to put my thoughts into words. I feel like my entire being is an empty void. There is no difference between yesterday and today, not for me. In my life, there is no hope in the beginning of a new year, only dread. As I was moving away for college, my best friend must have decided that I wasn’t good enough anymore. The last few weeks before I left I wanted to have a small get together with the small group of friends I associate myself with. Toby, the one who was supposed to be my best friend, called our plans off saying he was sick, every time. The two times I came home prior to this break, he did the same thing. He wouldn’t even spend new years with us. I was invited places, if I have anything going for me it must be that not everybody hates me. Guys are interested in me, though I can’t fathom why. I don’t have any problems with my image, I think I look like a pretty average teenage girl. The problem is just that I don’t seem to be interested in any of the guys. I feel.. Rare, I suppose. I don’t smoke. Not cigs, weed, or anything, and I don’t know a single other person like that aside from my youngest brother. I’d rather not feel attached to someone who does smoke also, because of my fear of losing them the way I’ve lost other people to it. Another thing, I’m not clingy. Not when it comes to friends or guys. The few friends I have, don’t text me. And I don’t text them. When I’m home, we hang out sometimes, and that’s it, and we’re all happy with that. And as for guys, well, it seems to be the case that when they develop an interest in me, they text me. Every. Day. And not just every day, but multiple times each day. Mostly I ignore them. After all, I’m not interested in them. None of them have caught my attention, most of them are druggies or just plain douchebags. Not to suggest that I’ve never been interested in guys, I’ve dated people, I’ve been in relationships longer than a year or even 2 in one instance. It’s just been more recently. As I was saying, I ignore them. And if they somehow corner me into talking to them, I give only simple answers, only head bobs if possible, and I refuse to smile at them. And still, they don’t seem to catch on. All I want is to be left alone. Yet at the same time, I need someone. I think the problem is just that the person I need, doesn’t exist. All I want is someone to be sober with, and to have fun with, someone to go sledding in the woods with me and go to hardcore concerts and mosh with. A man who leads his own life apart from mine and has fun as if he were only 8 years old. I need someone who doesn’t need me. I don’t want to be a necessity to someone, I want to be a luxury.
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6 comments
sounds to me like you have high standards,
us guys (some of us) also seek quality, but i see things differently in one way…… i dont want a woman of “convenience{ either. That just sounds too much like Im using them for my own self.
From what you say what you want is a friend… nothing more, nothing less. If feelings are involved it is really difficult that the person will live his live so far apart from you… you are describing a good friend 😀
someone to be sober with, and to have fun with, someone to go sledding in the woods with me and go to hardcore concerts and mosh with. A man who leads his own life apart from mine and has fun as if he were only 8 years old.
sounds like me, but the problem is then that no one likes someone who enjoys things deemed by society as childish. I like old school pokemon cards and stuff and enjoy to go through determining which cards are in a batch of them and rarities value ect as just one example aka. = i am a geek? thoughtful of other people, enjoys doing things with others when common interest is shared and am a kid at heart, but i’m not suppose to be like this according to society.
old cards is just another hobby that i personally enjoy doing just like disc golfing or watching good movies. If you want someone like that though they probably aren’t going to aggressively text you, but i am sure they think about you more and wish they had the confidence to ask you to go sledding in the woods.
“I don’t want to be a necessity to someone. I want to be a luxury.”
I like this statement, I really do. It says so much. I feel as if you’d rather be a part of the journey, rather than the reason they are moving heaven and earth to appease the “journey.”
You seem quite reserved, and prefer to keep your thoughts/feelings to yourself, even in a relationship. It’s a rare quality these days, and I doubt that many would appreciate it. Not everyone understands that some people prefer solitude over the smothering of others.
I really hope you find what you are looking for in a man. As a broken soldier, I wouldn’t be of much use to you or anyone else really. But I do have hope for you.
Living life sober with simple interests does seem to involve a high risk of loneliness. I have certainly experienced it myself, always enjoying the experience of something like driving around with no destination and making fun of stuff on the radio more than going out and getting drunk or high.
It almost seems like people gravitate towards one extreme or the other. Either drinking/smoking/partying etc or if you want to find people who are reliably sober and not looking to go out and get into trouble, you almost have to associate with a church group or something like that. If you’re like me, you’re not looking for people who are THAT strict about life either, so you fall somewhere in the middle, alone.
But I might be wrong about the majority of people existing at one extreme or the other. Maybe those of us in the middle actually outnumber the party people or the church crowd, but the problem is, if we’re all reserved types not looking for attention, then we don’t know how to find each other or even get the opportunity to meet. So there might be a lot of us out there but we’re too quiet and isolated to realize how many of us there are. That’s the irony of it. I feel like I know what I want in a girlfriend but that I’ll probably never meet her for that very reason, if you want to meet someone who isn’t out at the bar all weekend getting drunk, how do you find each other. That’s where people meet, bars. I guess people at either extreme have an easier time finding each other. If you’re a drinker you go out and meet people at the bar, if you’re totally straight-laced and a member of a church or something like that, you meet people at the social events associated with that.
As far as your desire to not be bugged all the time even if it’s a guy you like, it does seem rare these days for relationships to not turn into the obsessive talk-to-each-other-every-day thing. Maybe it’s just because how lonely and messed up the world is. You finally find someone and you want to be with them all the time. I’ve been guilty of that before myself. Maybe since you acknowledge that you haven’t really met a person who interests you that much, you just aren’t aware of how it really feels to like someone and you might surprise yourself how often you might want to talk to someone if you were really into them. Or the opposite may be true, maybe you’re the type that even if you’re madly in love with someone you’ll still want your space. That’s fine too, but it can be hard to find. People are insecure and immediately associate time apart and living separate lives with a risk that your partner will find someone else while they’re out there “living separately”. Of course the irony is that if someone wants to leave you they’ll find a reason no matter what, so trying to force them to be with you all the time is still not going to guarantee that it lasts forever.
I’ve been struggling with the same things for a long time. I pretty much want to be left alone – but I need someone. And I want someone who can enjoy taking pictures in the woods instead of going to a party. Dunno where to find them.
beautiful last line…real poetry…check out the TED talk on introverts, by susan cain…it’s very interesting