Relapse…I posted the other day that I’m finally in the clear of my depression. What a relief right? Turns out that little echo thing that I felt which reminded me of my nightmares is a bit like a premonition or even an alarm. I felt different going to chow. I got my food and started eating. A minute or two in. I get tunnel vision and a massive amount of anxiety. What’s happening? Turns out I had a panic attack, almost started hyperventilating. I was frozen, staring at the coffee mug filled with homemade gatorade as I mentally freaked out. Now as it has been every other time. Some day in the next week I’ll have a nightmare about the voices again. Thats what always happens. Maybe it wasnt that i missed being depressed or maybe it was. But it may also be that my old self, before the army, is coming back. I told a few battle buddies about my situation and if the mental problems persist as i feel myself becoming more like the old self i was. I’ll visit the psychologist and tell them everything except the suicidal part. Maybe then I can try some of those damn meds everyone has been using. Happy pills ya know. If not then ya know.
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Advanced Individual Training, right? We call it Corps Training here, as in learning your specific trade as a Comms Sys Op etc, but it’s essentially the same gig. I’d noticed it doesn’t have the same intensity as Basic (well for us anyway) and therefore I’d never really felt like I was in a constant Stand-To, which meant I let my guard down and the evil thoughts back in.
The Psychs in our army are pretty easy going, they know the troops have a lot to lose if they are reported and/or MD’ed, so they only speak to the CO when there’s an imminent threat of loss of life. I’m unsure if that’s the case with your service?
Anyway, good to see you on here, man. Hopefully they can help you out without you disclosing too much. “Don’t ask, don’t tell”, right?
I think what you’re describing is something like this:
“sometimes pain becomes such a huge part of your life that you expect it to always be there, because you can’t remember a time in your life when it wasn’t. but then one day you feel something else, something that feels wrong, only because it’s so unfamiliar, and in that moment you realize you’re happy.”
Maybe you’re just afraid of being happy, so you get nervous and anxious…you just don’t know what to expect! that can be extremely normal, believe it or not!