What nobody knows about me is that my life is consumed by depression,  low self-esteem, and anxiety.  I originally wrote a long post for you to read that went into immense detail about my personal life and problems, but then I deleted it. Why? I deleted it because none of it matters. I have come to the point where nothing matters anymore. I don’t have any friends or any family members to talk to, and I have too much anxiety to talk in person.  At least this is kind of like telling somebody.
Everything in life feels like a chore. Nothing is enjoyable. I am a nineteen-year-old college student who hates school, hates work, and doesn’t want anything for the future. Everybody has treated me horribly, and no I did not ask for it. I did nothing to deserve this life and it isn’t fair.   My parents have never shown me love. My father isn’t in my life, and my mother spent my lifetime making me as miserable and self-loathing as she is. I’m tired of repeating the past over and over in my head. I’m tired of hating myself. I’m tired of hiding my body from others because I am so repulsed by it. I’m tired of sitting in my bedroom by myself. I’m tired of not having social skills. I’m tired of feeling worthless and unloved. I am tired of people telling me I look sad or angry. It’s more than that. They have no idea about my life-long pain. All of these things I am “tired” of are things I can’t deal with anymore. I scream in a pillow each night because I don’t know what else to do. I need a release. A person cannot live like this.
What is the point of life when you spend it alone, hating yourself? Nobody could ever love me. I don’t even like myself. I need somebody, okay? I admit it. I want a person that I can hug and share my feelings with. Somebody who will actually accept me and treat me like a human being, despite the fact that I don’t even feel like one. Why is everything in life a hierarchy? Nobody wants you unless you have the perfect looks, the best family, the most money, etc…
My life is a continuous stream of things I don’t want to do and people I don’t want to be around. There is no escape. I need love so badly and I need somebody to love. I need friends…something. And what I really need is to stop hating myself, but I can’t stop hating myself because of who I am. And the only way that I can stop being who I am is to die.
8 comments
i was searching the internet this morning looking for some relief. Even though i never really find it. My beautiful sister is gone on new years two years ago. it is like it just happened, i keep waiting for her text. I see her at the front door and i wake up from a dream. i was sleepless with anxiety before she did it. she bought an RV and drove to canada and all through the us, writing her long suicide letter in a journal. She did not speak to me for that year- we had a fight. Then she showed up one day and looked ok, a bit distant sad though. she took her life a couple of months later. she was misunderstood- had sleeping problems, d
fear, social struggles. but i know her, no one else did. behind the anger and pain a beautiful smart creative lady, a very sensitive caring and brilliant person this world will lack in luster from her missing. people couldn’t see her, appreciate her, and she was so funny and unique. i have learned those in pain are truth tellers(this was her chosen name for herself- elsa noir) they see the real world, and civilization is in so much turmoil. we’ve forgotten love, when that is all that we are made of.
Dear rivercitygirl,
You are absolutely correct about having to love yourself. There are people out there that will love if you don’t have the perfect looks, the most money, the fastest car, etc…
You are 19. Life is hard sometimes. Some of these challenges are brought on by ourselves. You see this and can take the actions to reverse the hate. Look at the people and places around you and focus on the parts of them that bring you comfort. These things are there. Small maybe, or simple. The sunrise, the trees, laughter in the halls or smile on someones face, birds signing. You are surrounded by an equal amount of happiness, just stop overlooking it.
Post your longer version, Many here would be Honored to read it, including me.
My life has been total garbage… but 19 was one of my best years. Just sayin’.
“I am tired of people telling me I look sad or angry.”
Lots of people have preconceptions about how people’s faces are supposed to look, and quite often misunderstand facial expressions of a person they haven’t really learned. Next time someone says “you look sad and/or angry…” say “that’s because i am.” Or if you’re not, you can say “that’s because you’re misinterpreting my facial expressions, because you don’t even know me.”
“Everybody has treated me horribly, and no I did not ask for it. ”
Are you sure? I bet lots of people blame you for their own actions, and claim that you brought it all upon yourself. I get that a lot. It’s interesting how the very same people who will insist that “you’re doing it to yourself,” are usually the same ones who instigate and sabotage and treat everyone poorly, while pretending otherwise… blaming their victims, so to speak.
“I did nothing to deserve this life and it isn’t fair.”
That’s probably true. And instead of anyone admitting that you didn’t do this to yourself, as in the previous lines, they will shift their position and attempt to criticize you for expecting the world to be fair… saying things like “well, life isn’t fair!” As if that somehow justifies their unfair treatment of you, and subsequently their blaming of you, for their own choices to mistreat you.
If you can find a way to gain control of your life and surroundings, become the master of your own destiny, then you can more effectively distance yourself from the influences and shenanigans of those with whom you would prefer to not associate. Dump all the dead weight, clean up the messes, then you’ll have room for things you actually want in your life, and the ability to choose whether to allow any new thing to enter.
@rivercitygirl
I cant tell you how much I can relate to you. Going through day by day hating everything and everyone around you. People often ask me “Daniel why do you like being miserable all the time?”..I cant tell you how much I fuckin hate this question..you think I like being miserable?.i would give everything I own to be happy and just enjoy something/someone..i would live on the streets begging for food if I could just be happy for a little bit. And you know what if I could be happy I think those things I hate in life like school and work I might actually find enjoyment in. but looking in the mirror hating what you see is so devastating to ones mental state. And people tell me that its not about loving someone else..you must love yourself first. Well fuck, its so hard to love yourself when you know nobody will ever love you..I just wish I had someone I could talk to at night that actually looked forward to talking to me..maybe then I wouldnt hate the world and hate myself
sorry for the rant..i kinda got out of control
@aloneinpdx:
Dude, exactly. What’s with people and their incredibly, offensively stupid questions? “Why do you like being miserable???” I mean really, wtf? What kind of idiotic mind believes THAT is the right question to ask?
Why do those people not realize that “why ARE you miserable?” is a much better question? How about “is there anything i can do to help?”
And when constantly encountering people like this… how in the hell are we supposed to NOT be miserable? How are we supposed to want to live a loveless life, in a world full of people who ask why we WANT to be miserable??? FFS.
I’m forced to avoid most human interaction, for precisely these reasons. If someone asked me that question (“why do you want to be miserable?”) i’d either snap or have an anxiety attack from wanting to rage their face off so bad, but trying to keep it bottled up… because if they had to ask such a stupid question in the first place, they are obviously incapable of understanding why anyone would ever be miserable, because they apparently think it’s what we want. I can’t deal with that shit. I’d rather just avoid people entirely.
@clevername
in my opinion asking someone “why do you like being miserable” is likeing asking someone “why do you like having cancer?” its such an ignorant and idiotic question. No one likes to be miserable or thinking that life would be alot better if they were just not around anymore.
I have have isolated myself as well from pretty much every human that I dont have to have interaction with. Just walking down the street seeing how happy everyone seems to be is hard on my psyche..oh how much I would love to be like that..not going to be every night praying that I dont have to wake up the next morning
@clevername and all else
if i ever ask stupid questions or give ignorant advise please inform me of such. As i will learn from that and adjust my thought process accordingly! Thanks in advance.