I dont want to die. I dont want to live. I’m terrified of it all. I’m conflicted, i’m incomplete and I’m suffocating with this desperate need to be loved and yet I do not trust or accept a single persons love.
How do you live when youve lost the desire to live but are haunted by the things you need??
How do you live with emotions that were never tended to.. such important steps that were ignored. I’m in pain and i’m empty. I am exhausted of this world. I’m 20 years old, 21 in march. I’m a light skinned female with, ive been told, attractive lips, almond shaped eyes, a cute spanish nose, a curvy petite body and big curly dark brown hair and eyes. I hate beauty and ugliness. I don’t want to be beautiful, i want someone to love ME. And i want to be so beautiful, so that nobody has to know me. I want to die, i want to sleep forever, i want to smoke weed forever; i want more than anything to escape this emptiness my strained childhood has instilled upon me. I am a serious child. An old baby.
When will I stop hating my mother for all the things she said and did to me for all those years? When will I stop explaining myself to people, me, a strong minded person, falling weak and sad and apologetic at the smallest mistakes, like a broken record? Because thats what she would do. She would terrorize me into crying and explaining myself, and explaining things that were not of my fault but she accused me anyway. Time and time and time again. When and in what existence will I ever love myself and stop catering to the demon inside my head? When could I ever truly smile without this fear??
I’m done blaming her… Or i’m tired of it. I know it is her fault. I know I would not be so nervous, sad, stressed, lonely, afraid….dear God I am so afraid of it all, if my mother had not done what she had done to me from my birth unto the age of 14, to re-enter my life with more pain from age 16- 17years old and 9 months.
It doesn’t matter if she “won” what matters is the fact that theres nothing left of me. The life I dreamed of starting for myself, I now live alone in a beautiful famous city with a job and a full scholarship to a university, means nothing to me anymore. I have it right in front of me.. the opportunity is almost punching me in the face.
I don’t care about any of it anymore. I cannot help how I feel about it all. & I will not think of people that have it worse than me, I will Not. The logic in that is ridiculous, it lightens no weight on my pain that there are starving children elsewhere.. It doesn’t help in anyway at all…
I’m rambling.. I’m alone. I’m on my bed and the world is outside. I wanted to be a writer, I wanted to create a beautiful movie. I love movies deeply.. I love stories.. I’m waiting for my birthday to buy my own bottle and say goodbye to the world. I plan to distance from the people I love and speak to.. but i don’t want to be alone.
I will come here for my last month, birthdays in march.
6 comments
Its sad to see you suffering like this, but just perhaps you shouldnt end it? I mean, I tried, I was in a hell I am now getting out of.
Its not easy.
It is possible if you are strong.
I relate to most of what you wrote. I too had oportunity practicly punching me in the face (and kicking my ass ass well, lol). I too struggled with my looks (being “ugly”/obese and then “beautiful”/lost weight… and i was not really ugly to start with.. just obese). I too struggled with an abusive mother, which in my case made many mistakes and dragged me along for most of my childhood and part of my adolescence. But i can’t honestly blame her (even if i hate her) since she’s a person too, and now i’m old enough to now that even with her mistakes, i make my own choices and what she says or do can’t influence me that much anymore (other than the ocassional anger attack).
In the end, when job, dreams, and love oportunities came along i just lost them due to bad choices and because i was already broken inside by then (and those failures ended up breaking me until i ended up here), so i couldn’t make best choices even if i wanted too (plus, health problems). And even if everything went to hell, i wouldn’t trade the happiness some of those years gave me for nothing (maybe going back and fixing mistakes, but that’s not possible haha).
I do believe you have to exhaust your options first (since you point out you have plenty of opportunities), why not study and write on the side? why not finding something you love to do?… you have plenty of time to try, you are young (well at least 10 years younger than me lol), and even if you don’t succeed at least you’d have tried and maybe even enjoyed the ride (like i did).
The problem is only in how i feel after the trauma she put me through… Who I am is trapped inside of somebody broken. I cant stop feeling the way she would make me feel when she would do all that she did to me, mentally or physically. The problem is that i see how many great chances i have but if im not going through terrible anxiety then i feel nothing. I feel so fucking empty. I touch an arm of someone close to my heart and I dont know if it feels the way its supposed to feel. I feel worlds apart from everything.. Just empty and disconnected.
Thank you though WIG and Kelef
You said in your post you love stories and wanted to write… if you still love something maybe you can find yourself inside the broken pieces, detaching yourself from feeling is only natural if you’ve had trauma, specially from someone so close to you… it really takes a long time to heal that kind of harm, just remember, you are still there 🙂
Hòla, mi amiga.
The overall feeling I get from this post is that you yearn to be loved for more than just the beauty that others can see on the outside, you have an unrelenting desire to be loved for all you are, not what you could be. Love is a controversial topic for anyone, at times I feel as if I’m wasting my time holding out to look for this “love” thang everyone is talking about. Your hatred for your mother, dare I say, is unhealthy to say the least. I’ve done some bad things in my life and Lord knows I’ll be punished for them, but if I were you I would forgive her and let the Almighty sort her out. There’s no point in harbouring those kind of emotions.
I’m alone as well, you can tell by my name, and I have a love of writing works of fiction and documenting my life’s events, I strongly advise you pursue this passion of yours as it is one of the many factors I am still here and somewhat sane. I’m 21 in October and this year may well be my swan song, I’ll just be another lonely heart who gave in to the world and forfeited life. You sound like an outstanding individual (might I add “beautiful” as well) and I really hope you will find reason to carry on living beyond your 21st.
Hola. rogue lonesome, email me? tinkerbellcir@Hotmail.com