I should be the happiest I have ever been. But, I’m not.
All I see when I’m alone is shame and fear.
I work a lot, because it’s an escape.
My mentor looks so happy in his photos with his girlfriend. Could I ever be happy like that?
I don’t know who I am anymore! I pushed everyone away. I was scared, and now I don’t know how to go back.
When they asked for my picture for the statewide letter, I only stared at my photos of me and cried harder. I’m ugly.
For nearly a week I barely ate and nearly collapsed twice.
I don’t know whose side I’m on.
I’m scared.
The bills are stacking up and there’s no relief.
I’m so good at what I do they say, and for a moment I believed it, but now it’s dark again. It’s dark again and I’m scared.
In the darkness there’s shadows that chase me.
I cannot sleep without the nightmarish reminders of the hell I’ve lived through.
I see joy in ink on my body, or I cut myself and paint the blood on when I’m alone.
I deserve it, I say.
The outside finally matches what’s inside. Inside my mind.
I’m so afraid, confused, and alone.
Why do I stay? I work so hard for everyone else, never time for me in my own life anymore. Why do I want others who hurt me to be happy?
2 comments
I feel you, really. If we could just have a break of responsabilities, it would be easier. Hope you’ll feel better. Hope you’ll find a spark somewhere and hang on to it. Know you’re not alone.
Once you get that temporary reprieve from responsibility, you’ll want more. You’ll want to keep it that way. It sucks to have to strive to survive, just to continue experiencing more of what you never want to feel again. People don’t want to work for what they don’t want to receive. And yet, most of us have no other choice.