I’m new to this, so how do I begin? How does one simply begin to tell their story? Perhaps I’ll wait. Share little by little. My story is too long anyway… And it’s probably really boring.
I guess I should introduce myself, huh?
I’m Ciara, I’m Irish and I’m 15. What more can I say? Should I go into detail here?
I guess I could tell you a little about myself and about why I’m here.
I’m a writer. Obviously not a professional one. I mean… I am only 15… And I’m pretty terrible at writing. But I enjoy it. That’s all that matters, I guess. When I say I enjoy it… I guess I should have used past tense. I don’t enjoy it any more. I don’t enjoy anything any more.
I sing too. Play guitar… among other things like drawing and painting, but over the last year, I’ve just given up. My excuse has been that I don’t have time, but that’s a lie… That’s a major lie. I have time. I have all the time in the world, but I mostly spend that time staring blankly at the wall thinking about what life would be like if I were dead.
That’s the thing, I guess. That’s why I’m here… Death. That’s all I can think about. Every day I think about death at least twenty times… I think about life after death. What would happen to me, but… more importantly, what would happen to everyone else. I read a book recently, where a girl described herself as a ‘grenade’. She said that her death would wound those around her. Ever since I read that, and even before, I keep thinking, ‘You can’t do this, Ciara. You can’t kill yourself. You die and you hurt those you love..those who love you. You die like this and they’ll hate you.’ and then, of course, there are the counter thoughts, ‘They already hate you. You’re a burden, a nuisance. No one wants you around and no one will care if you’re gone. They probably won’t even notice.’Â
To be honest, I don’t even know where I’m going with this. Lately, I get an idea about what I want to write and how I’m going to end it, but I always seem to lose the ending as I write. It just disappears along with my hope and sanity. That’s one of my fears..losing my sanity. I’ve been checked though. I’m sane. For now.
So, this is my greeting. Kinda deep for a ‘Hello’, huh?
19 comments
You’ve been checked, and they determined that you were sane? How do you know that the people who arrived at this conclusion weren’t bat shit crazy themselves?
It’s nice to meet you. Hello.
Well who would’ve taught that we’d meet a bonny lass from the ol’ Emerald Isle? I absolutely lov’ the Irish, practically grew up with yous, and welcome to SP! I hope you find support here and enjoy your stay 🙂
Ahh…another guitarist? I enjoy playing the gat too, although my voice leaves much to be desired. Writing yes indeed, a favourite past time of mine, basically everything that comes outta my mouth is a work of non fiction. It’s making it understandable that’s the hard part.
You’re far from a nutcase, lov’. These sort of feelings are only for us, so I think you’ve come to the right place. Nope, that’s not deep for a “hello” at all, in fact it’s the perfect way to begin your journey to something better. Well, thank you for sharing and hopefully we can be of some help to you.
Good to meet you. I’m a writer, too, though I pretty much suck. Guitar is fun (I’ve been playing since I was 3, so something like 15 years). Singing…well. I tried and people ran away screaming, so that clearly is a problem.
Thinking about death. Yep, you and 95 (99?) percent of the other “nutcases” (hey, you said it, not me!) also obsess over it.
“are only [normal] for us” I mean.
It is quite possible that they were. I have no way of knowing.
I do tend to drive myself crazy with impossible theories, though… So perhaps I wasn’t actually checked and I simply think that I was… My reality could be fantasy. I don’t know the difference any more.
It’s a pleasure to meet a fan of my country. Even if I may not be one myself. Don’t get me wrong, I love Ireland, but… I need to get out of her. I need a fresh start. This country is too small. There seems to be memories everywhere. A beautiful country, with horrible memories… Yes… A fresh start.
You should come to New Zealand, tis a place of beauty and I’m sure you’ll build beautiful memories of your own. Well, I don’t mean come here right now, but if you ever travel you know.
You drive yourself crazy with theories? Maybe you weren’t theorizing on the day you were checked and you delivered an award winning performance portraying a sane person.
I believe you were checked and you passed, but that doesn’t mean anything. I wouldn’t worry about it. Great writers don’t need to pass “sanity tests”.
(If you don’t believe me, stick around and read some of the posts here).
I plan to travel as soon as I’m old enough. I want freedom. It’s my dream to just travel… anywhere. Once I’ve finished school, I’m leaving. Where am I going to go? I’m not sure yet. I want to go everywhere. I want to see the world. But I know that that probably won’t happen. It’s a dream and will probably never be reality.
My latest theory: None of this is real. This site is not real. I am simply a mental patient crouched in the corner of a padded cell in a straight jacket.
Of course, I know that’s not true. This is real. I’m not insane just yet. I believe that I am on the verge of a mental breakdown though.
But you are right. Great writers don’t need to be sane.
Irish, huh? You guys have the most amazing and beautiful accents, alongside the Scots. I like to think of myself as a dabbling writer too. I’ve written a couple of short stories I think are alright. Everything I write comes out being depressing, but oh well. Not a guitar player unfortunately, but I mean to take the time to learn at some point.
I’ve been through that same thought process, mentally weighing and balancing the people around me, their needs and feelings, and my own. I assume most people on this site have.
Writing, singing, guitar, drawing, painting, you seem like a very creative person, with some real depth. It would be a real shame to see such creativity flushed down the drain.
What a lovely name Ciara. I really enjoy your writing style too. Very literate, expressive and well-composed. Keep pursuing your dreams. ‘If you feel the breath of sadness/ sit down next to me/ if you find you’re touched by madness/ sit down next to me/ if you find yourself ridiculous/ sit down next to me…’ James.
This might sound a bit stupid, but if you stare at the walls thinking about death… why not write a book about it? at least it’d get you writing… and i do agree with some other comments… maybe the people who examinated you were not the right people… maybe you could ask for another opinion? (by the way… writing, playing guitar and singing? great things to do, congrat on those)
I am quite creative, but that doesn’t mean I’m very good at any of it. I enjoy creating things even though they always seem to end up dark and depressing. Plus my writing always ends up as rants more than anything else. I always scrap my work. Get it half written and then… I just stare at it… Wondering how I could have possibly created such a horrible piece of work. Sometimes, I’ll get a good idea, or a great line but I never know how to fit it into things. It’s quite frustrating, really.
My name and my writing kind of merge together sometimes. You see, my name, it means ‘Dark’. Maybe my parents could see that I was going to be a dark one. Maybe they chose the name on purpose… Or maybe it’s just a coincidence. Either way, it’s still quite fitting.
I’ve actually thought about writing a book. Many times. Some day, I want to create something that inspires people to stay strong and to keep moving. But at this moment in time, I can’t even convince myself to get out of bed in the morning and go to school. So writing a book… I think that would have to wait. I’d probably start it and then scrap it or forget about it like I always do.
I can’t write at all. I’ve tried, sure, but it never sounds right. So I read. I read until I can’t anymore. I can travel the world, yet still stay at home. I can escape the world but still remain alive. It’s my safe haven.
you read the fault in our stars <3 that book is incredible. and i feel like what she describes in the book. I feel like im a grenade, and when i blow up, i dont want my friends and family getting hurt by the shrapnel.
“I'm a grenade and at some point I'm going to blow up and I would like to minimize the casualties, okay?â€
that's why i try to distance myself from family and friends.
i think about death all the time too. i used to sing a lot, i was in a professional group and i quit. i also quit guitar. im only 14. i feel like we have a lot in common. if you ever wanna talk, i'm here!
I’m a writer too! I guess I have the same problem as you. I’d get a good idea and rush to get it down but then I look back at it about six months later and think how stupid it was. I guess that’s the problem with all my stories. The basic idea of it is good but when writing the story, I completely mess it up. Make it too childish or the story goes off in a weird direction and it becomes stupid.. I can never mimick the writing that published authors do and it drives me crazy.
Also if you’re into music I’ve been playing guitar for about a year and a half now. Lately I’ve been getting into piano. I’m thinking about quiting though, it seems no matter how hard I practice I can never get good at anything.
If you want to talk you can email me 🙂 devinbelver@yahoo.com