I’ve been feeling depressed since high school. Seen therapists, seen psychiatrists, the one after another. I’m really just done with this. I started feeling extremely anxious and depressed at the start of December and longed to end this suffering for good. But I thought to myself: “Just give your family a nice x mas, then you can do what you need to do”. Did I do it? Well I’m sitting here right now. I have a bipolar friend and I’m the only one that he really has. The only one who understands his feelings and will stay and listen or just stay with him when he cries. My brother whom I live with has since then also started experiencing the one panic attack after another. This has put a damper on my plans to end it all. How can I leave while he is feeling like that. i don’t want to add to his suffering. Good fuck…the words I think when i think of all of this. What is point in going on when life is like this? I really wish humans would just disappear. Everything has become so complicated. The world is a mess. When will it all just end already?
I know that it’s good that I can be there for my friends and family that goes through these kind of feelings. But in the end I need salvation as well. Is keeping someone who is totally screwed on life support fair? Why when a person’s life is so unbearable to life for him/her, do we keep wanting to prolong it and think we are doing the person a great fucking service? I wish I was never born. This life is a joke.
I’ve studied since i left school which was hard for a person in my condition. Because I had a hard time studying, it took me longer to finish my studies so I have very little work experience. Now it seems like degrees and that kind of crap doesn’t matter anymore. What matter is experience. Shit if I knew that I would have searched for a job from the start rather then studying for 3 useless pieces of paper.
Now that I’m done with the studies i can’t find work. What the fuck is the point to everything. Why does life seem so easy for others? Getting a job, getting married, having kids and just living life, and not just existing like I’ve been doing for years. Why o bloody why!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is bullshit. I want to go already.
The things I say might sound like a nice little pitty party I’m having all by my self. You are probably right and I’m just as freaken tired of living it as you are hearing about it.