i dont know.. maybe its cliche but I cant stop thinking of a way to end today
not even today only.. but maybe all the days?
I started self harming when I was in 4th grade. I would choke myself, buy one day my mom read my diary and flipped.
I STOPPED. YOU HEAR THAT? I STOPPED AND WASNT EVEN STRONG ENOUGH TO NOT GO BACK.
7Th grade rolled around and I cut. I cut because I was in a new school, and everyone hated me
8th grade came, and I cut. I cut because I just couldnt be happy with my new popular friends.
sophomore here, and I’m ready. I’m so ready to die. I tried killing myself the summer before freshman year, and I couldn’t do THAT right either
do me a favor, the next time you look at someone with nice clothes and a nice house in the “popular” crowd, dont judge them as a *****. The next time you hear a slut rumor dont believe it. Because that could be me. That “popular” girl could be the one getting abused at home, with cuts on her thighs. She could be the one withthe mom who works too much or the brothers who dont care. She could be the one getting beat by her mom’s boyfriend when shes not around, and sometimes when she is. She could be the one who spent 2 weeks at a mental hospital last summer and told people she was at cheer camp. She could be the one thats popping pills everynight or drinking all the vodka and filling it with water. She could be the one without a dad, and without a fuck to give about her own life. She could be the one getting touched by the same asshole who hits her. She could e the one thats about 5 seconds away from her final breakdown.
4 comments
She could also be the greatest person I’ll never have the honour to know and I acknowledge everything you have been through but my condolences will mean nothing. That favour you asked of me is something that I live by, a matter of “looking vs seeing” as I call it. I could be “looking” at this confident, popular and good looking girl, but what I’m “seeing” is the beautiful soul of a young woman who hides her scars behind a wall of feigned secrecy to protect herself from more hurt.
I know exactly what you’re going through and I’d love more than anything to tell you that it gets better, but does it really? We just have to learn that what happened to us will never go away, that it replays in our minds constantly until we can’t tell the difference between “there” and “here.”
You asked noose or razor. For now, “keyboard” will do, so you may seek the company of us who will do their upmost to help you through it all.
My thoughts are with you.
Thank you. So much. I’m glad somebody gets it, or is at least trying to.
rare echelon stated that so beautifully …
darlin, as if it is not enough of a burden to go home and to experience tangibly the loneliness and abuse you are experiencing–the added pressure you feel to maintain what amounts to a charade to keep your secrets and to hide your pain…that alone is immensely painful and a very difficult thing to go through. I understand how you feel more than I can express in this mere comment. Suffice it to say that your story in the present takes me back to a time 13…14…15 years ago in my own life.
I want you to know that you would be surprised to know that at your school…in your class…in your neighborhood- you are not alone and I would be willing to bet that there are other people in your circle of “popular” friends who have painful secrets of their own. I say this to emphasize to you that you are perfectly normal and you are not alone in the pain you feel no matter how much it can seem that way sometimes. That pressure to appear “perfect” and “happy” all the time- it really is a heavy burden to place on yourself. I hope you will find the courage to confide in a person that can hug you and relate to you. It is incredibly healing to do so. Be cautious in who you confide in, but I urge you to seek a genuine and authentic friend who you can open up to.
I was that “popular” girl you described. I came to hate the term. ironically, i never felt so lonely as when I was “popular”. People can be cruel. People will try to tear you down if they perceive you as “better” than they are even though it is their own poor image of themselves which is the problem- you are just living your life the best you can.
My heart goes out to you. Please, even if it means telling someone what your mothers boyfriend is doing- he should be held accountable for his actions. he is doing the wrong things- you are a child. he is responsible for his behavior and it is not your burden to protect him or keep his dark secret. I know it will take great courage- but I know you have it in you. Please just dont hurt yourself any more. you dont deserve that. you deserve to be loved and heard and seen for the beautiful soul you possess.
I am here. If you need to talk or a blank page to write- I will never judge you. You are welcome to contact me anytime. My email is yellowbirdsinging@gmail.com. My name is Jynn. You are in my thoughts and I am sending you strength and courage. I hope it reaches you dear heart.
That means more than you will ever know. Thank you so much, your post made me cry but in such a good way. Thank you so so much.