A lot of new users nice. I see hazy sunflower is around and cordless wonder if Not Interested in Life is still around she was always amusing. Anyways How’s everyone been.
I know a lot of people on here have the kik messaging app. If not, it is free. Just instant messaging.
I feel like it would be nice for a group of us to join a chat room on it though. It would be fun. Let me know if anyone wants to 🙂 I already have 3 peoples kik on here, so it’s a start
my kik is devinx7
Like for real though, do you even want me to be happy? It sure doesn’t seem like it. All you are doing is making me worse. I hope you’re happy, you have made me miserable. It seems like nobody cares about anybody anymore, am I the only one that has noticed this? Nobody is nice anymore, someone can be really hurt, and some would notice it, and what would they do… nothing. I hate my life, and I really don’t even care about anything or anybody too much anymore.
This is just another one of my useless,and stupid posts.
Hello. It has been sometime. I’ve been busy. I’ve actually felt not terrible. Not good, but not terrible. Yesterday I went to a beach clean up. A lot of people were there. Made me realize how difficult it is for me to be around other people. I hardly spoke, and could never look anyone in the eye. It’s pretty difficult. Lots of girls there. It was the beach so they wore skimpy tops and short shorts. Didn’t know what to do. Tried to stay as far as possible. When I was alone, it actually felt nice. Alone with my thoughts. It is actually starting to come back. It always comes in waves. One day I feel ok, the next not so ok. One week I feel ok, the next week not so ok. I’m just not fit to be around other people. It makes it worse. I don’t know what to do. Thanks for listening.
Going to a meeting tonight. Pretty nervous. But these drugs have got a hold on me and all my friends use… Might be nice to meet some sober people.
Hello. It’s been a little while. It’s testing week. Had to study. Should be studying. Wanted to do a quick post. This post is going to be dumb and whiny. Please don’t be mad. I can’t handle it when girls smile at me. It bothers me. A part of me thinks that she might like me or think I’m attractive. Then the bigger part of me thinks that’s stupid and would never happen. I really don’t know how to talk to or be around girls. I can’t really even handle it if they look in my direction. This one girl I don’t even know that well keeps looking in my direction and it kills me. I know I’m not attractive or even that nice. I’m a pretty shitty guy. Thing is that part of me that has that bit of hope keeps scrapping in my mind. Keeps popping up and annoying me. I hate it. Even if a girl was interested, for whatever bizarre reason, there’s nothing I can do about it. Too much baggage. Too afraid that she would realize that she is wrong. What if I have a panic attack when she is around? Too much baggage. I doubt I would even make a good guy. Sorry for the whiny post. Won’t post for a while. I have tests. Need to study. Bye.
my boyfriend knew something was wrong. bless his beautiful soul. he held me and asked me what was wrong. i went to class and came back and he had written me a letter saying sorry. sorry for what? he is too nice to me.
he is making it harder for me to do it. im a burden on everones life. i take up space and resources. im tired all the time even when all i do is lay in bed. he still calls me beautiful. i really want him to stop caring so i can just fucking die. theres so much unnecessary pain surrounding everyone. for every good thing that exists, ten terrible things follow close behind it. life isnt worth living when happiness comes in such short weak unpredictable bursts. i just want one day of my life to be happy. wake up warm in the arms of someone who loves me, eat delicious food, feel confident around people, get my work done, listen to beautiful music, sit outside, take a long warm shower, go to bed drunk and have wonderful sex, fall asleep gently in the arms of someone who loves me.
I remember back in 2nd grade me and this other girl used to get teased by saying we liked each other. I don’t even know how it started we weren’t even in the same grade and I don’t think I knew about her until the teasing started lol. This carried on throughout the year, and somewhere during that time I actually started having a crush on her.
I specifically remember a moment where school ended and everyone was waiting in the gym to get picked up and my friends pushed me towards her as her friends pushed her towards me. I was so embarrassed but luckily my brother came to pick me up at that exact time so I dodged as quick as I could. The next day we got really embarrassed when we saw each other lol.
The school was closing right after the school year ended due to bankruptcy (small private school) and at the last day everyone was outside and the teachers had planned for all the students to sign each others shirts and the girl asked me to sign her shirt, and instinctively I bolted LOL, she then chased me down and eventually we both collapsed and started laughing. I signed her shirt and she signed mine and I remember being so god damn happy. (Never seen her again since lmao)
I miss those days, where the smallest things were the only thing I had to deal with , good or bad.
I didn’t worry about my future or my family , only thing I worried about is if the girl I liked noticed me.
I never had clue my life would turn into this.
I know I will never come close to the way I felt that day ever again.
And to be honest I don’t care if I don’t, I’m content with my decision to leave without finding out.
But damn I feel it would’ve been so nice if I didn’t end up like this.
Nothing is simple anymore.
I wonder where she is now, I hope not anywhere close to how I am now.
I keep going, day after day, doing the same old bullshit while I wait to be crammed into a dorm with three other people for the next two years who will come and go and be replaced and whatnot. All so I can get a career in forestry to make me money while I go try to get a proper biology degree. For what? The only reason I do this is literally with the hope that humans will launch me off the planet to go die in space and maybe see some cool shit before I die. I have no hopes nor prospects for love, and I’m damned if I have a family.
I just wish I didn’t have to worry about this all the time. I wish i could be happy, or at least not always on the verge of tears, like everyone else seems to be. Life is like a bad highschool school day; I just want it to be over with already.
I’m… I’m just going to go pound a nice big bottle of honey lager and pass out. I’m sick of thinking about it all.
I posted this awhile back but had my usual panic attack and deleted it after it only had one comment… I always worry that everyone hates it and is just too nice to say anything.
I have to admit it’s one of my favorite things I’ve written so far.
Choir (Soprano, Alto, Tenor, Bass)
Strings (Violin, Viola, Cello, Bass)
So instead of posting it and sitting back in anxious panic, waiting for comments to show up, I will do this:
I will post it, then I will walk away. I will go out to the car and drive somewhere many miles away. Maybe I’ll have dinner, maybe I’ll just park somewhere and try to find an hour of life that isn’t crusted with dread and pain. Possibly I will listen to the radio or a CD…. and when it is dark enough to need the headlights, I will drive back home and see if anyone has listened and commented.
If no one has, then I guess it can be a sign that this is a musical fingerprint which fits nobody except myself.
See you in a few hours, maybe.
So today I was online talking with people and everyone is having a nice conversation and then there is this one person that comes in. He/she all of a sudden are doing a role-play thing about committing suicide. He/she was writing about grabbing a knife and all. And here’s the thing that bothers me the most, he/she is not one bit suicidal (I asked one of his/her friends to see of he/she really was) Um… excuse me!? What the fuck is wrong with you!? There are people who are really suicidal and he/she is over here using it as entertainment. He/she is probably even using it for attention. Everybody was telling him/her not to kill him/herself. I found none of it entertaining. That almost made me cry. Some people are really suicidal and don’t get attention, then there is this person pretending to be suicidal and he/she is getting all the attention. This hurt me a lot, honestly.
woild be nice to chat now and again support each other get to no Each other more help each other though the rough dark lonely nights i know it’s a living hell battling everyday but guy your a totally welcome to my email me any time if u got a problem need advice or some to unload of we can all help each other indigojones5@gmaildotcom
buenos noches love and light stay strong (hugs) hi5 il been on in a new days or so
God I was hoping I wouldn’t have to get this out, but it occupies my thoughts every single day so I have to do something about it. I suffer from social anxiety, which helps me on making friends (ha sarcasm) but I really want to meet new people, and I try SO hard.When I do try to strike up a conversation people just look at me weird and laugh! I’m even nice to people but they treat me like I’m garbage, or a mat to walk all over on.Why even try! I have a few friends, but they don’t know me. They don’t know what I like, what I do, or how I feel since they go on about their life and when I try to include myself they ignore the fact and not give a shit about me. Am I being selfish for wanting people to know of my existence?! I’ve just given up since I’m destined to die alone, I mean who’s really gonna miss a ugly,confused, teenager girl right? I’ll just make more room in this world for pretty popular girls if I do. Forgive me I’m being a loser like always.
Ive been thinking about suicide for a few months now. I’m at that age where everybody I knew is getting their corporate jobs, getting married and moving away. I’ve been thinking about suicide because I’m such a piece of shit. Social anxiety makes it hard to get/keep a job. I sit on my couch all day wondering how nice it would be having a good job, a loving family and friends. My mom thinks I’m a failure and I believe it. The only thing that’s kept me from ending it all in the past was wondering if she’d be able to take the shock, but now I think it would benefit my family and I if I just did it. I never thought I’d have the balls to do it, but as I lay here writing this, I’m planning it in my head. I think it’s over.
In the past month my life seems to have gone from about a five (being ok and slightly happy) to a zero real quick. Almost all my friends have moved and I am actually alone for the first time in a while. I almost forgot how terrible the feeling was. Everyday day I’ve been repeating in my head “I wanna shoot myself, I wanna shoot myself, I wanna shoot myself, I wanna shoot myself, I wanna shoot myself..” I’ve also started to imagine me killing myself at school in the bathrooms or somewhere like that and wondering if anyone would actually care. But its not like they would…they don’t even know me.
Everyone seems so happy around this time of year. I wonder, why? Is it because its spring and flowers are blooming, nice weather, and fun is coming their way? Why can’t I ever be this happy? I always find a way to weigh myself down…It amazes me at the same time
Soo… hey everyone!
Been down these past days, but at least I didn’t take any pills today so I’m not falling asleep everywhere.
I want to share some stuff with you guys, if you’d let me.
First, tomorrow would be my dad birthday, hadn’t he died from cancer two years ago (a quickly abstract for those who didn’t read my previous post: I feel responsible for that).
Even though out of my four sisters I only speak to one (and a half. Does text count as talk?), my mother want ALL of her daughters to spend the day together and try and be nice with each other. Wish me good luck because I really don’t feel like talking nice to my sisters, now with how much they hurt me. Anyway, that’s a story for another time, maybe.
Second, and even more important, but I kind of not want to talk about it (maybe it won’t be true if we don’t talk about it!), one of my sisters (the elder, actually) went to the doctor to do a check, and guess what? They found a cyst on her endometrium (is that the world? Please forgive my English! I repeat, I never studied it). They must do a biopsy and then… well… We’ll see. NOTE: Of course I feel like the Universe is laughing at me with this. Even though my sister has suicidal tendencies and hurt herself more times than I can count, this is LOW, Universe. LOW as fu*k.
I’m sleeping on the dining room’s floor and I spend as much time as I can out of my house because my ‘little’ sister (she’s 20) kinds of want to fight ALL THE BLOODY TIME and finds any excuse to do so (specially the one where I don’t have a job and she does and she’s paying the bills… the same bills I paid four years in a row while studying, while she slept all day long, but, hey, she doesn’t remember that, she was, in fact, asleep).
So yeah, my life’s a party.
At least I keep on singing (I don’t think I’ll ever stop doing that. I mean, some days I don’t know WHAT to sing, and somedays I sing really quietly, but I don’t think I have ever stop singing).
SP in by far the best thing that has happened to me in the last two years so THANK YOU ALL.
If anyone wants to talk about anything, and I mean ANYTHING, hit me up.
Love you all.
Just had a nice sweaty workout and I feel nothing but dead inside. I just had to come home and cry right after working out. I like working out, it feels like I have blood running through my veins during that, but afterward there are no endorphins. Nothing makes me feel good. I still want to die, if not more. Fuck.
You did the 1 hour challenge…
Can i ask you to write a song, that includes all 12 notes?? 😀 There’s a 24 hour time limit on this one..
-Grace notes don’t count as using a tone.
-Must be no longer than 3 minutes long.
-some kind of visual? Even if its exported as a midi and played in synthesia? It would be really nice, to see what you’re playing.
Hope you accept 🙂
Ok so I’am sitting on a bunk bed , yes a bunk bed of course the bid nice house was a lie its a two leveled apartment with three room all small. I’m staying in the smallest room with two sets of bunk beds. that I think half the sizes of twins and since my husband refuses to sleep in separate bed for two night I sleept in a wall. When I asked to sleep by my slef the whole group said if you fitted on the couch at his grandmothers whats the Problem.
Lake tahoe looks like a shitty little mountain town with enough branches to hang myslef. Nothing special expected for the casinos and skiing wich is also shit .
I found out from the girl living with me she has not made over 200$ In two months so my husband is lier not that was news Im looking at the street in front of the ofice I want to die .