Someone asked me that today, and I had no valid answer to give. The truth is I don’t know why, I don’t know why I have such a hard time doing the right things. I can have every reason to walk away but I always find that tiny reason to stay and I cling on to it. I can know that the situation is completely wrong and I know that I am hurting myself by clinging to that bit of hope. Yet I still hold on for dear life and I don’t truly know why. Maybe I’m afraid maybe I’m absolutely terrified of accepting the cruel reality before my eyes. Sometimes believing in a lie is so much less painful than accepting reality. Sure I’ve mentioned in the past how things were different how much pain I was in how I truly wanted death. But this time it is the real deal this time there isn’t any doubt about it at all. How do I care about anything after what I’ve truly come to realize about the world? You know it’s funny how they say you should live for yourself and do things for yourself because ultimately thats what will make you happy with life or some shit along those lines. But I think thats bullshit what good is money a house or a car if all you are is alone? Life is more rewarding more meaningful when you have someone to share all those things with. That makes sense to me, I mean sure you shouldn’t rely on someone else for complete happiness but to an extent you do rely on them for some happiness. But then again all happiness in life is temporary so whats the point in being alive? I feel like this is all a joke our existence is merely a joke just like in letters from the earth by twain. But then I yearn to be oblivious and ignorant like Jay Gatsby in the great gatsby by fitzgerald. Ignorance is truly blissful.
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“Why hurt yourself more?”
I think part of the reason is that you want control… so if you hurt yourself more than the other things hurt you, you’ll feel “more in control” of the hurt… even though it doesn’t solve the hurt you can’t control.
Another part might be spite; both the self and the other… but the words aren’t lining up for what i want to articulate about this.
Yet another part would be about self-destruction. “If i can’t feel good, i don’t want to be here; if others want me to hurt, then i’ll destroy myself so they can’t make me hurt anymore.”
… there’s also the “if i’m not good enough for them, then i’m not good enough for myself…” mentality. I tend to fluctuate between that, and the “fuck everyone else, i’ll do whatever i want…” mentality. Either way, i don’t have a someone-else to generate positive influence in my life; whether it’s because i’m not good enough for them, or because they’re not good enough for me. I can’t figure out how to resolve that part, and will likely remain isolated until i do (which i probably won’t be able to do…).
@clevername: that is my exact mentality and I don’t know how to change it 🙁
What is this cruel reality that you are terrified to accept, if you dont mind me asking?
You make a valid point that life is more meaningful or has mire purpose when you share it and live for someone else. You say its
Hold on still typing sent it by accident.
It’s next to impossible to find love in a world where everyone’s out to fuck you in one way or another. People don’t care about each other, they only care about getting what they want. That’s just the cold, hard, ugly truth of the matter. I know it’s painful, but you have to remember that we’re all living in the same world and therefore the same rules apply to all of us. You’re not the only one who feels like this. Actually I think most people do feel lonely and want true love, but that’s a luxury that only a precious few are afforded.
But you never know, you might get lucky still. Some people do.
What is this cruel reality that you are terrified to accept, if you dont mind me asking?
You make a valid point that life is more meaningful or has more purpose when you share it and live for someone else. But you say living for yourself is ultimately bullshit. But allowing someone into your life and share is still part of an agenda to live for yourself. As your merely seeking and reaping the benefits you get from obtaining a partner. Like companionship, love, affection, etc. Things that will make YOU better. Yes it will benefit the other but the point is your still living for yourself becuase involving another fulfills a goal to make you whole.
Its not a bad thing.
But to truly live for someone else means living for someone that wxckudes romance and is purely for the benefit of another. The only pay off would be gratification for helping a fellow human.
Meaning living a completely humanitarian existence.
You could always be a self loving philanthropic humanitarian. Lol.
But none the less how could something be more meaningful in life if life is meaninless.
Yes happiness is temporary. All human emotions, thoughts and existence is temporary. Life and existence is meaningless. Its completely impossible to answer the question does life/existence have meaning becuase its a completely illogical question. But the tangible question to ask is life purposeful?
It is. You can define your purpose or duty in thus planet. To dwell on the meaning is wastedul. Yes in the end it may not mean anything and I doesnt need to. But theres still the possibility you can leave leagacy or impact that can benefit people alot longer than your life. But its worth something to make anothers life purposeful.
@resitay yes I know thats reality I truly see it, and I cannot unsee it. I can’t deny it any longer I know the truth. And no one is truly lucky nor do they ever find true love ever. Maybe that love will last a lot longer but eventually it shall perish. Why would I want that? Why would I want to find any happiness at all because ultimately it will get ripped away from me. So the only thing left to do is die. Leave this piece of shit reality and have the true luxury of not being here tortured. That is the true luxury here to be free from this hell and from all the pain within it.
Dude, if that’s a book, then I’m putting way too much effort into my writing. I’m mutherfffing Tolstoy…
Mine post are story long
@mrbadguy weird kind of like no one wants to hear about your ex wife take your own advice preacher have a great day goodbye.
What is this cruel reality that you are terrified to accept, if you dont mind me asking?
You make a valid point that life is more meaningful or has more purpose when you share it and live for someone else. But you say living for yourself is ultimately bullshit. But allowing someone into your life and share is still part of an agenda to live for yourself. As your merely seeking and reaping the benefits you get from obtaining a partner. Like companionship, love, affection, etc. Things that will make YOU better. Yes it will benefit the other but the point is your still living for yourself becuase involving another fulfills a goal to make you whole.
Its not a bad thing.
But to truly live for someone else means living for someone that wxckudes romance and is purely for the benefit of another. The only pay off would be gratification for helping a fellow human.
Meaning living a completely humanitarian existence.
You could always be a self loving philanthropic humanitarian. Lol.
But none the less how could something be more meaningful in life if life is meaninless.
Yes happiness is temporary. All human emotions, thoughts and existence is temporary. Life and existence is meaningless. Its completely impossible to answer the question does life/existence have meaning becuase its a completely illogical question. But the tangible question to ask is life purposeful?
It is. You can define your purpose or duty in thus planet. To dwell on the meaning is wastedul. Yes in the end it may not mean anything and I doesnt need to. But theres still the possibility you can leave leagacy or impact that can benefit people alot longer than your life. But its worth something to make anothers life purposeful.