I have an appointment this afternoon with my therapist. Â Do I tell him that my suicidal thoughts are beginning to reoccur with greater frequency? Â For so long since I was hospitalized last year, I’ve been free of thoughts of killing myself.
I don’t want to go back into the hospital or into a residential mental health facility because I’ve admitted my depression is growing. Â I also don’t want to disappoint my family by relapsing.
This weekend my wife, my oldest daughter, and I visited my youngest daughter who’s away at college. Â I was very irritable, probably more so than at any time since I was treated. Irritability is always a sure sign of depression for me. Â My wife and daughters saw it and said something about it. Â I guess because I had been doing so well recently they were shocked to see me wound so tightly. Â I’m such a disappointment to everyone, particularly my wife.
I was walking downtown today, and I notice a new high rise condominium that just opened. Â It’s about 30 stories high. Â All of the rooms had open balconies. Â I kept looping in my mind that from the upper stories the building was high enough so that I would be assured of killing myself if I jumped.
I wish I didn’t exist.
1 comment
Irritability is a feature of my depression, too. And it’s always a shame when you snap in front of your family, of the people that love you.
It’s a tough game being alive for us, far more difficult than for anybody else. But your family needs you, they will understand if you need to be recovered. They will appreciate you even more for the humility and honesty of your gesture; what’s not going to be forgiven is suicide. They will understand your request of help; they won’t understand your surrender.
A side from that, i think you have got to do what you feel is right in your mind.
It’s you that decide, not them. Everyone is attached to life, discover your reason, your little happy thought (like in the film Hook, with Robin Williams)