I don’t know how to start. I don’t really know what’s the main problem. I know I have a shitty life and I am kind of used to it. It sucks that I have to dissapoint everyone I care for, but I am used to it. I could go on without giving it too much thought, but the problem is my girlfriend. (I’m 21, she is 19). She is a constant reminder that I am not good enough and that I don’t deserve her. She reminds me all the time of how I dated my ex (which was fat, ugly and stupid) and how she deserves more than my ex. (or at least that it’s not fair for her to receive the same treatment). She also makes fun of how I used to be in my old relationship and tells me I used to be a loser. I know it is true, but does she really need to say that? I’m starting to give up hope on her too and just say fuck it. I really love her. I really do. I just want to be accepted and cared for…
I don’t wanna fucking live anymore. I hope there’s no afterlife. I just want to die, and that is fucking it. If there was another realm or anything of the sort, I’d seriously be more fucked up than I’m now ‘cause I think the problem is not just with my body and my mind, but also with my soul – if there is any. I feel like some evil maggot has drilled a hole so deep in my skull that it is controlling every fucking thing that’s me. I just wanna be gone. Forever. I wanna die, and I don’t give a fuck about anyone. I don’t love anyone. I just can’t. Wait, it’s not what it seems like. I don’t want to die ‘cause I’m lonely or some shit like that. Not even close. I’ve people that actually love me bat-crazy, but I don’t give a solitary fuck about any of ‘em. Sure, I’ve helped ‘em with academics and still do, but that’s only ‘cause I’m condescending – Not because I like any of ‘em back. Heck, I don’t even reply to their messages most of the time. I’ve ignored everyone around me for almost a decade now. I wouldn’t even be surprised if they all hated me to the bone now. It’s understandable. I mean, who the fuck puts up with a shitty friend like me for years? It’s actually okay for I don’t seem to care even a tad. Anyway, I was the most successful kid at school. I was the consecutive topper for a decade. I was teachers’ favourite. Though I hated it, I was always surrounded by friends back in the days. I had the coolest of things; thanks to my mum! I was never bullied. I was never humiliated. I had a good run. Everything was A-OK except the fact that I could never be happy, no matter what. Nothing fucking mattered, and nothing matters. I can’t enjoy the things that normal people enjoy. Maybe I just never intended to try ‘em out? I don’t know. I’m 21 now. I never danced, never partied, never smoked, never had sex. Nothing really. I guess it’s just the way I’m. It’s not rocket science. Shit’s simple – I’m fucked up beyond repair. That is all it is. Mind you, I’m the shittiest person you’ll ever meet. I’m not even kidding. I don’t hate anyone more than I hate myself. I wanna go. I really wanna.
I can’t rlly say that the thoughts are back but im starting to think abt it again. The second I realize im happy bam its all gone. Because these thoughts just start creeping back. Im really enjoying this time by myself which makes me want to disappear even more. Because I’ve actually realized how much I love being by myself. And I just I don’t know I still want to disappear. like i am happy i am but i don’t know if im truly happy that’s the thing. I don’t know if im just telling myself im happy so i can fake it till i make it? i just still don’t understand why i feel this way.
i really like this photo tho idk why i feel like it speaks to me. which doesn’t even make any sense but yea that’s just how i feel with this photo. even tho i don’t want to keep going which is what’s ironic.
i feel like i try to act all happy bc i know my friends are tired of hearing me speak about these. especially that i don’t really have anything to “complain” about. but i don’t understand this either. my friend told me to go to therapy but how do i tell my parents that. they wouldn’t bother listening. they care for me but just think im being a silly teenager. so i will just keep my mouth shut and just keep telling myself im happy. when deep down inside when i check im not happy at all. but whatever fake it till ya make it 😉
Also i would like to make new friends so if anyone wants to comment and hit me up feel free i have nothing else to do anyway 🙂
I don’t really know what do with myself anymore. I think that these thoughts are gone but they aren’t. I finally had gotten rid of them but they came back. I don’t even know why I have them too. I have a great life and I am very grateful. So why the heck do I still feel like this.
My thoughts are that I just want to leave. For ever not to another state just leave this earth. But I don’t want to die? I don’t want to hurt anyone. I just want to disappear from this earth and everyone forget I was a person. But although I have these thoughts I don’t have much of a reason. And that’s why I feel so trapped. I feel like I’m not allowed to feel this way since nothing traumatic has really ever happened in my life. I just feel hopeless. Stuck.
I want to leave but I don’t want people to suffer. That’s the thing is that I know people will suffer I know people care for me. So I just don’t understand. I just hate myself not others. This honestly has nothing to do with other people. That’s why I won’t ask for help. I don’t even know what I would say in the first place. Because again I feel like I don’t have a reason to feel this way. Like I feel like a bad person for feeling this way when I don’t have a reason to.
Ugh I don’t know what to do anymore hopefully writing on this website will help me find why I may be feeling this way. Hopefully it does because at this point im tired. Im tired of feeling happy and the second im alone with my emotions I start all this drama in my head. Im tired of feeling out of place and people thinking I have no reason to feel this way. Maybe I do. And that brings back to my point on why I keep quiet. Any time I bring it up people always ask me why? Why would you feel that way. I have sooo much more trauma that you have ever seen. And yea they have a point. But the truth that they don’t understand is I don’t know why i feel this way. I just can’t explain it. I just do.
So I just want to leave this planet. Make everyone forget I existed. That I was never born. Because im tired of feeling this way and feeling confused. Because I feel bad that I feel this way because it’s just first world problems? Right? People just don’t understand that if I could understand what is wrong with me I would be so glad. But the truth is I don’t know either.
i drive away the people i love. they lose interest. i destroy myself. all i feel is pain all the time and when i’m happy its naive because it never lasts. ill never last in this world. im 18 now, but i feel like a child still. i cant manage responsibility. i let people down. they’re sick of me. i’m a waste. i build myself up just to crash and burn in the worst way at the very last second. and this fucking pain, why do i hurt so much? i’ve tried so many medications, they don’t seem to work. my intrusive thoughts come, and now with even more intensity. i thought i’d gotten better, that i’d improved, but the truth is i’ve remained the exact same. instead, i’ve just distracted myself with going out and wasting time with “friends” who don’t care for me at all. and now my girlfriend is being weird and ignoring me even though shes active and posting and when i try to confront her shes all defensive and then ignores me even harder and my fucking OCD won’t let me stop thinking for a second. i have to remind myself that she loves me, even though it doesn’t seem that way. i thought i’d finally get valued when i got into this relationship, but the truth is, just like everything else, relationships are temporary highs. everyone will let you down and you will let them down. being alone is what i need to do. i need to shut off my emotions. i need to be a machine. this fucking body is a shell. this body means nothing to me at all.
to say i’m stressed would be an understatement.
these days have been so hectic, i feel like i can’t keep up with everything, but everyone is constantly telling me to keep up, to cheer up, to calm down, to just stop feeling stressed. mental health has been a mess lately, and today is just not working for me. sometimes i wish i caught a cold so i could rest in bed, but then i remember that even if i’m too ill to get out of bed, i’ll still have to do everything.
the problem isn’t having stuff to do, the problem is having to do things for everyone, and having to leave my things at the bottom of my list of things to do. there’s so much on my mind that i want to talk about, but everyone would most likely think i’m being annoying so i’ll keep it to myself.
i cried today while trying to turn on a fan and i haven’t eaten anything since 8am this morning, but nobody here gives a damn about that. i feel so tired, even though i sleep. it feels so crowded in my head, even though it’s just me. i don’t know what to do or how to cope, or anything honestly. who knows if i make it to December, i honestly feel like i’m going to explode soon.
i’ve felt pretty dizzy all day, and i think it’s because of stress, but i’m not sure.
anyways, i’ll shut up now.
I wrote a letter yesterday to my grandma telling her to not blame herself for my decision. No one was to blame for what I have done. I lost my papa in 2017 and I have not coped well since then. I died with him and I have finally understood what that meant. My boyfriend has tried to help me but I don’t share my feelings. So my decision comes from only me. I am alone and have always been alone. No matter how many people I surround myself with, I have always felt alone.
It makes things like this easier because I don’t have anyone to say anything to me that might change my mind. And honestly I questioned everyday why I was even here? Why was I born to hurt? Why my parents left me at 3? Why Michael let me be abused by his gf and her sons? Why didn’t Deanna want me? Why birth me if you didn’t want me? Why did I have to have pain? Why did Michael have to run in and out of my life, continuously failing me as a father? Why is my grandma getting remarried? It’s only been a year since my papa passed. I wish you all could hear how she talks about her new life now. She’s happy but she’s quick to tell me , papa is gone and she’s about to get a new family. Am I not her family anymore? Everything is changing and it hurts. It all hurts. I can’t tell anyone how I feel because they’ll make me feel guilty. I don’t want to bother anyone with my problems because I know someone has it worse then me and I feel guilty for even sharing this.
I don’t need anymore reason to finish everything. I made my peace with it and I can’t even say sorry about it. Who is honestly going to miss me? It’s been proven time and time again that thing are always fault and it’s easy to cast me aside.
I don’t share my feelings for a reason because nobody cares. At least when I wrote my feelings down I get it out but it doesn’t matter anymore. Nothing does.
I think things would be better off without me. My parents wouldn’t have to feel guilty about me. There wouldn’t be a reason to since I’m no longer here. I feel that would make them feel better. As for my grandma she’s looking forward to her future and I don’t think it would bother her much for me not to be apart of it. It already sounds like I’m not so there’s really no reason for me to stay right? I don’t think so either.
I have been thinking about dying for some time. The thought of which use to make me panic. Now, when I think of death and disappearing, it is harder for me to be afraid. I want to be able to think about my future and be happy and excited. I know that (from my two previous therapists (four years at first one and one year at second)) I can control my thoughts, but lately it has been me thinking about dying. Consciously or subconsciously, I am not sure. I am sure however, that I don’t want to grow up. I had always felt that I would not make it past eighteen. That feeling had been instilling fear deep in my heart for a while, but now I feel as though that is just what was planned for me.
My father is one of the of the types of parents who feels the intense need to write off my depression and mental health as a hormones or a lack of effort. It hurts knowing my father does not believe that I can be sad. I use to cut, I am only about 3 months clean. I had been doing it since I was in 6th grade and it got worse because my father refused to believe I was doing it for any reason other than attention. The past few days I have had thoughts of cutting so severe that I almost threw myself in front of a car on the way to the bus stop in the morning.
I really just want all of the pain to go away. I shouldn’t think like this but I really just want it all to end. I didn’t ask to be born, I didn’t ask to be depressed. I was a happy kid and looking back on the years of joy hurts more than it should. I have been feeling as though I may not make it another year, that for me this is all there is. I don’t want to live in a world where I am sad and everyone around me is affected by it. I don’t want to live period. Although, some days when I really consider suicide, I think of all the people my death would ruin. Some days it works and other days nothing can stop my overwhelming urge to disintegrate into the earth’s crust.
Some days I have such intense bouts of depression, that as I walk around the halls of my school my body feels like it is just moving by itself. That I am not actually making any progress. It feels like I am 1000 pounds and the more I walk the more I wish I wasn’t. I can’t tell anybody this though, any of this. My father just lost his dog of 15 years two weeks ago, my mother is having a battle of her own and I cannot bring my problems to overshadow hers, my bestfriend and the only person I want to talk to is growing up and getting a job and making plans for her future, and none of my other family is close enough to me. I don’t have a god to pray to because I don’t believe that someone would put people on a planet to watch them suffer and grant them misery every day without mercy. I have nobody and I am nothing.
I may only give myself a few more years or months but I feel as though, maybe for everyone, my dying would be better off. Today is one of the days where I think of my parents and how much they need me here, but tomorrow may not be the same. I have been thinking about how I would do it and I think that to save my parents and friends from finding my body, I would run away and die somewhere far away. Maybe say I was leaving the country and just do it far away from them so they don’t have to find me. I hate that I think like this but there isn’t much fight left in me. I am tired all the time, I don’t find pleasure doing things a majority of the time. I hope I stop hurting soon.
I haven’t been feeling ok lately there’s a lot going on and I’ve been feeling very horrible about myself I’ve been doing very good at not self harming though and I’m a bit proud of myself
I’m very new to this, suicidal forum.. straight to the point.. It’s not that I am going to or really have the urge to commit suicide. It’s the constant thought popping into my head. I will catch myself fantisizing of the idea. But these questions always rush to mind. Should I end it? What will happen to my boyfriend, family and friends? Who would show up at my viewing or funeral? How can I make the death fast and 100% effective? I’m not sure why I take the time to give deep thought if I’m contemplating to die.. can someone help me understand where I stand, what I should do? Extra information: 22 yr old female, rough past, burned every bridge possible, no desire to become someone or something.
Reality is boring ! Real life is boring ! Real world is boring ! Humanity/Mankind must move beyond money & politics for real progress !
Reality is boring, Humanity/Mankind must move beyond money & politics for real progress.
Although technology have been progressing rapidly nowadays, yet sadly in many aspects, Humanity/Mankind/Society still have slow progress; Everyday is still the same day & problems over and over again repeatedly.
I believe that in order to make a real progress for Humanity / Mankind, we must quickly focus & do the followings:
1) We must move beyond money & politics. It is outdated. A lot of problems in this world today basically stems from these two root causes (& also superstitions especially in religion, as well as in Ignorance & Stupidity due to failure in Education). For a truly real progress, we must start to focus on much more important things. Try look up/google for Universal Basic Income (UBI), as well as Resource Based Economy (RBE), The Venus Project, & The Zeitgeist Movement, for starter.
2) We must seriously consider that there is a possibility that Humanity / Mankind will go extinct / extinction. Most probably caused by our own Ignorance & Stupidity, as well as Greed. Therefore, we must prepare for the worst possible scenario, and one best solution is to start building a system of selection for the best few candidates of Humanity / Mankind (10% of the planet’s population, for example), whom will continue the future of our Humans Species in the best, smartest, most intelligent, rational, logical, most creative, wisest, & most civilized as possible.
3) Finally, we must unleash our Human’s greatest & most important potential: Imagination. If reality is boring & very limited/limiting, then the only way for us is to start focusing quickly on how to enter the world of Imagination, and turn it into reality ASAP. Some very important technology that must be quickly developed are: Artificial Intelligence (AI), Virtual Reality (VR), Augmented Reality (AR), biological Mutations, entering our Consciousness into the vast Net, as well as Transhumanism. We must turn the wildest, most imaginative movies & video games for example like science fiction (sci-fi) into reality ASAP, for real progress.
Otherwise, we will be stuck in this boring reality everyday, repeating over and over again, & even it could get worse & worse!
This is my first time writing here and also writing about this so openly. I don’t know where do I start, but I do know when will all of this ends, very soon actually. I’m on the edge now which isn’t so very surprising considering there are about millions who are like me too, some, worse than me. It saddens me that I’m just one of those millions who suffer like this, that I’m only a part of some statistics scientists conduct every year. That I’ll never be someone, I’ll just be a part of something bigger. And soon, no one will remember that I was even a part of that thing.
Anyways, let’s start.
I’m an average girl just like everyone else, none of my attributes nor personality makes me special. Maybe my wounds made me special? Maybe not. I think special isn’t the right term too, but rather a monster, a freak. And that’s all I’ll ever be.
At first I don’t know what should I write or how would I express this unsaid feelings or whom this messages for but it turns out I want to write for everyone, even for myself.
To my family- I’m sorry that I was such a big disappointment. I’m sorry if I could never be the child you always wanted. I’m sorry if I had to do something stupid and hurt you, I’m sorry for making these deep wounds in my arms. I’m sorry if I added more pain to you guys after he passed away. The truth is, he was very close to me too, you all knew that but there are also many things you don’t. I had so many wishes and messages to him that I didn’t get the chance to say. It was already too late for him, he had a great life ahead of him and I know how that must’ve hurt. But you didn’t know that it was already too late for me too. You didn’t know that I was a part of his “why’s”. You still don’t know about it but everyday it haunts me realizing that I should’ve done something. That maybe thing would’ve been different. But it was already too late.
Mom and Dad, there’s some secrets that’s buried here, you’ll probably never find this and that’s a good thing but something inside me hopes that you will. In my room, in my desk, in the cabinets. By the time I’m gone from this world, if you search long enough there, you’ll find papers containing my “why’s and apologies.” I wrote a few which almost push me into doing it, I wrote a few that was the reasons for my scars and I hope that’ll be enough for you guys as my explanation. I was supposed to burn it, making it like beautiful ashes that scatters in the wind and ever fading away but realize you should have it. And I’m sorry.
To my friends– You guys have done so many things for me that I could never thank you enough for. You’ve been a family to me and I wish I was the same for you guys. You saw something inside me that no one else saw. Even though I was that freakish cliche loner girl that was always in the corner reading a book, you still saw me. Even though I had so many knives in my back, you all tried your best to remove it and never added in it. I know you all were scared trying to approach me for the first time, I know everyone were but you guys had the guts to do it and I want to thank you for that. But you will probably never see this, but that’s okay, I just wanted to let this feelings out. I’m sorry if you saw my wounds, I’m sorry you had to worry. You guys are really important to me.
To James– You have made an impact on my life which really surprised me. You helped me on my darkest nights, you were one of the reasons that I didn’t add more wounds in my skin. You understood me and you helped me even though I wasn’t worthy to be helped. I was happy, talking to you, making horrible jokes, being with you. You saw so much, maybe too much in me that I was too blind to see. I want to thank you for helping and being with this broken girl you liked.
To Someone who made a very big impact on my mind, my heart and my life– I never thought it would be like this. I never thought it will go this far. I never thought it will actually happen. We were just both random highschool kids that was always facing the cruel world that was never on our side. You wanted to help me, you wanted to fix me even though it means you were willing to put your pieces in me to make me whole. You made sure that I was okay, you cared so much about me but cared so little about yourself. Maybe in another universe, we were both okay, happily talking with our happy lives, always smiling but I know that this will never be that universe we always hoped about. Why? Because you’re gone. And it’s all because of me. I cared so much about you too, I’m sorry if I could never repay the feelings you had for me. We were both so unstable and I only made it worse. I tried to be there when you had panic attacks, I tried to be there and talk to you like you always did for me. I started caring too much and decided to let you know about the wounds, and that was a big fucking mistake. You got scared and I got scared also, it was because of my scars that made things worse for you, for us. You didn’t believe in yourself but you believed in me even though I didn’t believe in myself. You fought for me even though I couldn’t fight for myself. You loved me even though I couldn’t love myself. When the nightmares began I didn’t know what to do. Until everything got worse for you, for us. It got worse and worse until one day..
Maybe the thing that made me feel afraid the most was the fact that we both knew what was gonna happen to the both of us but we tried our best to prevent it but in the end we couldn’t. That we weren’t afraid of the things that we couldn’t see but rather the things that was right infront of us. That in the end we both stopped trying, or was that only me? Because you never stopped trying to help me. You never stopped loving me. Maybe I got tired first but you were the first to give up. And I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry if the world was cruel to us. I’m sorry if you felt hideous, I’m sorry if you feel that you fuck things up but you didn’t when you helped me. I should be happy to tell you that I’m not slitting myself anymore, but how could I when it’s already too late for you? You were one of the big reasons why I stopped, maybe because you died stopping me? I don’t know. I want to tell you so many things. So many unsaid feelings, because I know you were always there to hear my scream and pain. You were. But you’re not here anymore. And I don’t want to let you go yet. You made me feel weak, you made me want to die of regrets but you also made me feel special, that I was someone. You made me happy, for a while. I wish I could’ve repaid you. I wish it wasn’t too late.
For me– You. You’ve done so many fucked up shit in your life and you still are. You were always afraid of everything. Afraid to stand up for yourself, afraid to be yourself, afraid to be judged, afraid to risk, afraid to love, afraid to be forgotten, afraid to fight, afraid to live, afraid to die. Maybe that’s why everybody hate you, maybe that’s why you hate yourself. Everyday seems to be an endless cycle of unfortunate events. You should be happy, you have a home, a bed to sleep in, food to eat, couple of friends, good grades, a broken family, even though they are a mess, you’re lucky to have them, and finally, you have a life that you get to live. It’s not too late for you. It’s never too late. You got tired, you fall down. And I’m sorry things have to be this way. I’m sorry about the people. I’m sorry for all the messed up shits that you’ve encountered that made you like this, that pushed you to the edge. Please don’t be an egotistical lady. Please realize that there’s a bright future ahead of you. Please don’t go blind. I know things are getting blurry everyday, I know it’s so hard to hold on, I know it’s much easier to let go. Please hold on a little longer.
For someone who continues to try– For someone who continues to try and help others, for someone who tries to hold on everyday, continue trying if you still can and I hope you can. The pain keeps getting worse everyday, I know. And you’re strong for that. The world is a dark place and we use dying to find light. But sometimes there are tiny lights around us that maybe we’re just too blind to see. And maybe, we could be lights too. So don’t go blind. Don’t be blinded by the lies of this world, don’t be blinded by the regrets. Fighting might be hard and I’m hoping none of us lose. Thank you for trying.
x x x x
At first I didn’t really know why I wrote this. Maybe I just needed this feelings out. It gets hard when you bottle all of the feelings inside, it’s a lot harder when you can’t contain it anymore. I don’t know where all of this will lead to. I don’t know whether if this is what’s gonna make me whole or this would be the end of me. Will I survive? Right now I’am, but I’m not sure if I’ll ever make it.
I wish I live in movies, books, novels, comics, anime, video games. Real world / Real life / Reality is boring & depressing.
Honestly, I just can’t understand nor fathom why Most / Majority of people can go watch movies, read cool, creative, imaginative books / novels / anime / comics, or play super imaginative & fantasy video games, and then later on they just go back to reality, as if nothing happens, and they’re ok with everything.
I hate to say this, but Most people simply just lack Imaginations. Even worse, Most people are boring. All people care in the everyday’s reality & their lives is just the most superficial, mundane, boring, & stupid things. Which is very depressing, especially when you feel like you’re just alone & can’t relate with most people anymore.
And I even can already predict in advance, that people will quickly spout out & say boring things like: “if you find Life / reality boring, then maybe it’s you who are boring, not this awesome, beautiful Life / reality.”
People who said those words are, in my experience, either usually just stupid, naive, ignorant, and/or boring, lacking Imagination & even intelligence / not too smart.
Reality IS boring & depressing. Especially the more you know, learn, & observe it.
Have any of you heard the “Avatar syndrome” ? Google it. It’s basically the post-effects that many people apparently got, after watching the movie “Avatar” (James Cameron). It’s the feeling of depression, because they’re back to reality again, after watching (& experiencing) such magical, cool, awesome, mind-blowing, breath-taking, & beautiful ‘other-worlds’ of Avatar world.
I wish I live in Harry Potter world / universe , I wish Harry Potter was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Final Fantasy world / universe , I wish Final Fantasy was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Star Wars world / universe , I wish Star Wars was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Marvel Cinematic Universe , I wish Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU / MCEU) was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Avengers world / universe , I wish Avengers was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Lord of The Rings world / universe , I wish Lord of The Rings was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Naruto, One Piece world / universe , I wish Naruto , One Piece was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Mass Effect, World of Warcraft world / universe , I wish Mass Effect was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Skyrim world / universe , I wish Skyrim was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in World of Warcraft world / universe , I wish World of Warcraft was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in AOV (Arena of Valor) world / universe , I wish AOV (Arena of Valor) was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Kingdom Hearts world / universe , I wish Kingdom Hearts was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Mobile Legends world / universe , I wish Mobile Legends was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Ready Player One world / universe , I wish Ready Player One was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in The Matrix world / universe , I wish The Matrix was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in magical / magic world / universe , I wish magic was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in dragons world / universe , I wish dragons was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in fairy tales / faeries / fairies world / universe , I wish fairy faeries fairies was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in cyberpunk world / universe , I wish cyberpunk was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in fantasy world / universe / I wish fantasy was real / is real / really exist ,
etc etc etc
Reality is boring & depressing , & very limiting ! Real life is boring & depressing , & very limiting ! Real world is boring & depressing , & very limiting !
Fuck this boring reality ! Fuck this boring real life ! Fuck this boring real world !
I wish Virtual Reality (VR) , Augmented Reality (AR) really real & exist, and will progress much faster in those very important technology. Because I believe that Imagination is Humanity / Mankind ‘s most important potential, to turn into reality !
Otherwise, it’s probably better to just die, commit suicide, than to live / survive in this boring depressing life, world, & reality !
- everyone told me that being positive would help me through my recovery. everyone told me they would stay with me through thick and thin but they lied so now i’m starting to think that maybe they were just talking in their sleep. the problem for being positive is that there is nothing good about me specifically. i’m ugly, fat, and good for nothing. how am i supposed to be positive when these things are just the truth. and every day i wonder how much better death would be than living where no one even fucking cares and there’s not a single good characteristic about me. i have friends and i find myself wanting to talk to them about how i feel but i know i can’t because they’ll hate me. so now i’m sitting here wondering which is worse, neglect or abuse?
- It’s not like I haven’t tried to speak my mind to, tell someone. In fact I have been hospitalized for my depression, 7 day lock up with medication and a councilor to ‘talk about it.’ But why did they believe me when I told them it was because of some random girl making fun of me for being gay and trans-masculine. I don’t know why I’m depressed, or why I panic when I’m near people or feel the need to just scream for no reason. Why did they think it was another person hating me when I was hating myself for not knowing why I feel the need to tear my skin at the thought of – of what? I don’t know! I just need to. Why? Why cant I answer this simple stupid question that only I know but I don’t know and everyone thinks I’m fine. In not taking my medication anymore because it doesn’t work, drugging me up on chemicals doesn’t work. I told them I could see and hear a man talking when he wasn’t really there because I knew the drugs for that were stronger than the typical stuff.
- I have a project coming up soon. For school. 5 projects actually and no group to help me because “She’s to weird” or “Her fault she sat at a 1 seat desk.” … Rewrite 4 news articles and then write another 4 articles on different subjects. Also there’s a one-pager book review and a PSA short film about young adult struggles that has to be 3-5 minutes long. Oh and not to mention the research article I need to write by myself because the group I have for that project cares more about making a text her “BFF” who’s sitting beside her. Oh and math! Can’t forget about math because I certainly need to know how to graph X^2 – 5x + 6 or I wont be able to do any basic human functions in society.
- My mom said “You have to pass the driver’s test or your walking to school.” I want to, but they don’t understand I blank when I drive sometimes because nothing is forcing my attention onto the road, I nearly crashed because I panicked when I was told “park here, actually go straight.” I was going straight, and I moved to turn but hit the accelerator when she said “go straight.” I can’t do this. I can’t. I’m going to get myself killed one day because I thought I could. I don’t want to drive anymore, but I have to, I have to because I have to drive my friend to school. She’ll be mad if I don’t. I blame it on my mother’s foot. She needs surgery on it for something, I forgot. There isn’t enough space in this closet I call a memory.
- I don’t want anything this Christmas really.. Only the chest binder. But I think I shouldn’t ask for it. They keep asking for what I want but I wont tell them I keep scratching my arm like there’s an answer etched into my bone.
- Why does my sister get everything? Brand new computer, a glossy tablet, Ipod and phone. Today I noticed she also has Bluetooth wireless headphones and an extra battery pack for her electronics. All I’ve got is a phone and our family computer and a pair of nearly broken Ear buds. Sure she paid for half of her things herself but that’s because she got a job without even trying! While I’ve sent in 7 applications and not one phone call. I guess its okay I didn’t get a job I can’t balance it into my schedule anyways.
- Is it bad that I keep hoping someone will cause an accident and I’ll break my leg or arm.. It would mean less work, right? Less stress, less anxiety and even less self-esteem. I started cutting again, it relieved the thoughts a bit. But I’m selfish aren’t I? When more people are on the streets with nothing and I’m here killing myself because I can’t handle a simple task?
- I want to die but I’m afraid of it. I’m scared that when I do I’ll be trapped in a dark void with nothing but my thoughts. Or worse.
- I didn’t do a project. its due tomorrow.
- Do I have the schedule set up for Saturday?
- What if my chest shows this Friday? What if they find out I’m a girl? Should I quit.. No I can’t he’ll yell at me in front of everyone.
- What am I even exactly doing Friday?
- I’ve noticed instructions for me need to be exact or I get confused and question what it means. Think that means I’m an idiot.
- It’s midnight I need to sleep or..
- I don’t want to do this anymore.
- I don’t want to post this but I need to.
Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !
Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !
Human’s imagination is better than reality !
Movie / Movies is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Game / Games is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Comic / Comics book is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Novel / Novels is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Science fiction ( sci-fi ) is better than boring science facts , reality , real life , real world !
I wish superpower / superpowers really real exist …
I wish superhero / superheroes really real exist …
I wish magic is really real exist …
I wish mythology is really real exist …
I wish science fiction ( sci fi ) is really real exist …
real world is boring ! real-world is boring !
real life is boring ! real-life is boring !
reality is boring !
I HATE REALITY !!
I HATE REAL LIFE !! I HATE REAL-LIFE !!
I HATE REAL WORLD !! I HATE REAL-WORLD !!
Reality sucks , boring , depressing , and very limited / limiting / many limitations !!
People / anyone / anybody who said reality is fun & interesting , real life is fun & interesting , real life is fun & interesting , are usually people lacking imaginations & creativity !
In real life / real world / reality , there is no dragons … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no magic … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no superpower / superpowers … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no dragon / dragons … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no spells , wizards , casts like Harry Potter , Lord of The Rings, Game of Thrones … !!
In real life / real world / reality , we can’t fly … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no time travel , time machine … !! We can’t go back to the past , or to the future … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no alien / aliens , cool gods , advanced extraterrestrial beings , other cool creatures with special powers , etc etc … !!
in real world / in real life / in reality , it’s all only about MONEY / business !!!!!! .. . . .
in real world / in real life / in reality , everything is about MONEY MONEY / business !!!!!! .. . . .
i hate money , I hate business , I hate jobs , I hate working , I hate work !!! …
and in real world / in real life / in reality , most people / Majority of people are stupid , shallow , superficial , fake , ignorant , boring !!
I wish Marvel Cinematic Universe ( MCU ) , Avengers is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Game of Thrones ( GOT ) dragons , Harry Potter , Lord of The Rings ( LOTR ) is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Star Wars , Star Trek is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Skyrim is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Naruto , One Piece , Bleach is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Sword Art Online ( SAO ) is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring!
I wish AOV is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Final Fantasy is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Kingdom Hearts is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish RPG is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish science fiction / sci-fi / scifi / sci fi is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Ghost in The Shell is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish The Matrix is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish cyberpunk is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish aliens is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish magic is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish superpower / superpowers is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish mythology is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish dragons is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish magic spells wizard is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish magic is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
Most people are lacking imagination !
Majority of people are lacking imagination !
Most people are boring !
REAL LIFE IS BORING ! REAL-LIFE IS BORING & DEPRESSING / DEPRESSION !
REAL WORLD IS BORING ! REAL-WORLD IS BORING & DEPRESSING / DEPRESSION !
REALITY IS BORING & DEPRESSING / DEPRESSION !!!!!
better to die than live or living in this real world !!! …
better to die than live or living in this real life !!! …
better to die than live or living in this reality !!! …
FUCK REAL LIFE !!!!
FUCK REAL WORLD !!!
FUCK REALITY !!!
THIS REALITY IS BORING , REALITY SUCKS , & REALITY IS LIMITED / LIMITING / FULL OF MANY LIMITS / LIMITATIONS … !!!!
in this reality … sadly ,. I am just a loser failure in this Society of Humans & Money …
so again … Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !
escape into imaginations … !!
if I can’t ,… then better suicide & die than live / living in this boring real world … !!!
if I can’t ,… then better suicide & die than live / living in this boring real life … !!!
if I can’t ,… then better suicide & die than live / living in this boring reality … !!!
words won’t come out.
talking and expressing anything seems like too much work, or like something too complicated that i can’t figure out.
and when i do try to reach out and open up to others, it always goes wrong. i try telling someone about the panic attack i had, and they assume i’m lying and then proceed to tell me i’m not trying hard enough, and that only makes everything harder for everyone. they tell me to try harder.
i thought i was trying my best. and i was. but it seems like, once again, my best wasn’t enough.
i tried to open up, and talk about how all i want to do these days is jump off a roof, and they just assume i’m joking, telling me all i have to do is get a job, and that others have it worse. that i have so many opportunities, and all i have to do is go out.
they don’t know i can barely get out of bed. i’m exhausted, i can’t sleep.
i tell them i’m not sleeping, falling asleep at 4 am and waking up constantly until i give up at 8 am. they say i should just try harder and not go to bed so late and i’ll feel better.
i try to tell them i don’t want to wake up again, and they say that’s my own fault for going to bed so late every day. they don’t get what i mean.
they say i should be happy, because others have it worse.
now no one talks to me.
if i should be happy, why don’t i feel anything? why won’t words come out? why am i not happy? i shouldn’t want to not wake up.
“while you wish you died, someone else just asks for another day of life”
i try to tell them, they say i’m exaggerating.
they ask me why i never talk to them or tell them when i need help.
i think maybe i should try again.
but they won’t talk to me.
so i won’t talk to them.
i tried to write what’s on my brain right now, and i’m not sure if it makes sense; i don’t really care either. i’m tired, and i wish i could sleep forever.
Walked out of class because I couldn’t stop crying the moment I arrived. What’s wrong with me ?
I went to the cemetery on the hill my favourite place to go. And I just lay on top of an above the ground grave. And I cried.
I cried until I was numb.
I cried until I was screaming.
Then I just lay there. In silence. The wind blowing on my skin and the sun beating down on me.
I couldn’t really feel it but I didnt care. Because this was the first time I had felt at peace in weeks.
I lay there limp and emotionless. Anyone walking past would’ve thought I was dead I’m sure of it. Not that anyone would care. They’d just leave me there to rot amongst the dead.
And that’s where I decided I was going to die. When I was ready.
On that beautiful grave with my beautiful death. Poetic .
But for now I have to keep going. I won’t last much longer but I still have him. And he makes life worth living.
I miss my cemetery on the hill.
Human’s Imagination / Humans’ Imagination / Humans Imagination is better than Reality
Movie / movies is better than reality / real life / real world
Video game / games is better than reality / real world / real life
Novel /novels is better than reality / real-life / real-world /
Sci-fi / Science-fiction is better than reality / reallife / realworld
Fantasy is better than reality / real world / real life
Anime / manga is better than reality / realworld / reallife
Dream / dreams is better than reality / real-world / real-life
I hate reality !!!!
Reality it’s all about MONEY !!!!!!
Reality is BORING !!!!
Real world is boring ! real-world is boring ! realworld is boring !
Real life is boring ! real-life is boring ! reallife is boring !
and people are stupid , ignorant , shallow , superficial !!
I wish I could live in Imagination
I wish I could live in movie / movies
I wish I could live in video game / video games
I wish I could live in novel / novels
I wish I could live in fantasy
I wish I could live in sci-fi /science fiction
I wish I could live in anime / manga
I wish I could live in dream / dreams
I wish I have superpower
I wish I could be a superhero / superheroes
I wish I could have MAGIC
I wish MAGIC exist / exists
because this REALITY is boring !! REALITY is just TOO FUCKING BORING !!
people who can’t see this are usually just stupid , unimaginative, dull / boring themselves , lacking / lack in imagination !
this real world / this real life / this reality is very LIMITED / LIMITING in what I can do / what we can do !!!!
it’s all about MONEY !!!
‘Success’ , everything is measured by MONEY !!! I hate Money !!!
We live in a very LIMITED / LIMITING real world / real life / reality EVERYDAY !!!!
Imagination is better than reality !!
Imagination is much better than reality !!! . . .
maybe I should just commit suicide , than living in this reality / real-world / real-life
I am a loser in this real world / I am a failure in this real-world
I am a loser in this real life / I am a failure in this real-life
I am a loser in this reality / I am a failure in this reality
I don’t feel “right”, and I haven’t felt “right” in a very long time.
I feel an uncomfortable emptiness, and as if life is continuing on in an unpleasant repetition, and I’m growing tired of it.
I am sixteen years old, and I have obtained my GED. I am going to begin college early next year, and I feel like I’m not ready, at least, with tolerating my anxiety. I have terrible anxiety, and I have panic attacks if I’m within a supermarket or similar public setting for too long. I’ve been in the college before, being I had to apply for it, and I began sweating and tearing up in the office, because there were people walking around outside, looking at me as they passed by. The office is enclosed in glass, which is of course easy to see through, so I could spot each person as they glanced over to me. It was overwhelming, and, once I had completed the application, I went outside to sit on the curb and wait on my ride. I was conflicted on whether to let the tears flow or not, because people would look at me even longer if I did, but if I didn’t they would just look at me anyway. How in the hell would I be able to compose myself walking around campus, let alone in a classroom?
Instances like this happen every time I go to a public place. I’m scared to leave the house because I don’t want these attacks to hit me again, but I don’t want to keep cooped up in my room, either.
My counselor cares more about my smoking habit than she does this, and it irks me. I don’t like going to people with my problems, but I felt as if she was “made for that”, so I tried venting to her. When I mentioned I was a heavy smoker, she’s been stuck on that since. I don’t want to go to anyone else. People tell me the same things that I don’t want to hear, but I don’t even know what I want to hear.
Since I don’t leave the house much, I don’t have any friends I can confide to. Only acquaintances over the Internet, and still, I don’t want to burden them with my problems, and I don’t want to seem melodramatic. I’ve said a few things to one of them, and they didn’t know what to do- they felt really overwhelmed and didn’t know how to help me, so I told them to forget what I had said, and we went back to conversing as usual.
I don’t like talking to my parents, and I don’t have any other family I can speak to because my father’s side of the family are all deceased, and my mom’s side despises us. I don’t want to talk to my counselor or friends. The only older sibling I have abused and molested me when I was a toddler. I feel as if I have no one to speak to. I feel like everyone’s going to give the same answer, which everyone has either done thus far, or disregard my talk because I’m a teenager. I suppose because I’m younger, my talk of problems are taken as immature rambling? I don’t know.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m on a multitude of medications, my self-esteem is at an all-time low, I have no friends, my anxiety and PTSD are constantly bothering me, and it’s just the same routine everyday. Sleep, overeat, speak to acquaintances. Sleep, overeat, speak to acquaintances. How much I eat is dependent on my emotion, and, over the past few months, I’ve been overeating until I feel sick and my stomach hurts. It’s difficult to control, and as of now I weigh nearly 280lbs.
I have several methods that I can take to end my life. Razors are in plain site in the restroom, sleeping medication is underneath my father’s side table, the bottle of Lithium is on the bookcase in the living room, my neighbour has a handgun that I have easy access to, and so on.
My mood right now is steadied between empty and distressed. I feel uncomfortable. I’ve been taking my medication, and I made sure that I took it tonight. I don’t know what to do, but I feel as if I’m going to end up doing something bad if this mood progresses. I have acted on my suicidal thoughts and heavily negative moods before. I have overdosed nearly thirteen times, and I have sliced my flesh open on my thighs and wrists to where I had to receive some sort of glue to help the wounds heal. I don’t want to continue doing the same thing and failing. I want to be sure I take the right dosage to end it if I do. I don’t want to wake up in the hospital to my mother and father angry and distraught. Yes, I know, suicide is selfish, being you’re leaving those who care about you pained and grieving, but death occurs every day. People can grieve, then return to their normal lives. They can think about it now and again, yes, but it isn’t going to be constantly there. The mourning will end within months or a few years.
I don’t know, I just don’t feel right. I’m debating on doing something now, as I type this. My friends are messaging me and I’m acting as if nothing is wrong. I don’t want them to feel guilty or anything in case I do something. My mother is going to wake up soon to dress my younger siblings for school, and there’s going to be screaming and arguing, like there always is. My siblings all have mental disorders, my sister holding the worse, which is autism. The screaming is routine. I really don’t like that routine.
Once my mother leaves, my father is going to rest like he usually does. From there I could grab the Lithium and take some before my mother returns, and each morning she usually gets back within forty-five minutes. I could take the sleeping medication, Clonidine, from my father’s side table and down some. I know he’s a heavy sleeper. Or I could close the restroom door and lock it, which is what I always do when I use the bathroom so it wouldn’t seem out of the ordinary, and break one of the shaving razors like I have before, and slice my arm.
I’ll see how things go this morning. I’m glad I found this site to vent. I feel as if I’ve lifted a weight from my head.
++ Reading over this, I apologize if I’ve said too much.