I’m failing highschool. I know that doesn’t seem like a huge deal but I’m supposed to be ‘the smart one’ in my family. I hate to say it, but most of my family are the typical ignorant, closed-minded people who just follow the crowd instead of researching a topic to make an informed decision. I will be the first person in generations to have completed high school. The pressure is immense. Everyday it’s in the back of my mind. “I wonder how many sleeping pills i have to take? Would gulping an entire bottle of vodka in one go do the trick?” All I hear […]
lately I’ve been completely hopeless, alone, and depressed. I feel sorry for everyone in my life, having to deal with me, I’m so pathetic. I cut myself this whole school year and recently my parents found out, they haven’t looked at me the same, i hate feeling pity from others based on the choices i made, I’m such a *****, i don’t deserve the kindness. I’ll never forgive myself on the choices i’ve made, i’m done, done with the self pity, the apologies, the secrets, and most of all I’m done with myself, i can’t even look at myself in he mirror anymore, I’m ugly […]
I am under a great deal of stress at the moment. It’s finals week at school and I have my Algebra 1 exam tomorrow. This test will not only determine if I’m going to pass the class, but also place me into a ranking chart of students heading into Algebra 2. Ever since I was 11 years old, I wanted to be perfect. My dream is to go to Harvard, but I’m so stupid and ignorant that that probably won’t happen; nevertheless, I feel as if I have to get a perfect score on this test in order to determine my self worth. If I […]
Dammit. I try so friggin hard to keep my mouth shut, but I can’t seem to isolate myself properly. Nobody should have to deal with my sad BS, but I am and always will be a whiney, stupid loser. I get weak, and I cave, and I burden others with my helpless garbage. Gah. I wish I could get some rest and turn my brain off.
In 2004, I was pondering about means to commit suicide during two months. I suffered from post natal depression after my second child’s birth. I lost ten pounds in a week, slept about two hours a night, I felt numb most of the times . Each time I felt the pain rising, I played with a knife, or pills, or I went out thinking about getting a gun. I wanted to die, but I was not sure I could succeed, and another failure was out of order.
So one night after the pain was so acute, I got drunk and afterwards, I felt so low that […]
It’s not even 6:00 am, it’s not even a week day and yet here’s life giving me more shit. Seems to be a never-ending vicious cycle and I’m just about fed up. As far as I’m concerned life can go fuck itself, and I use the word life loosely because this ain’t no life. Sometimes things get taken away to free up your hands for something better ??? I’m calling bullshit. Life feels like a bully sometimes, and when a bully takes your stuff, you don’t get nothing back, let alone something better. Well I say Fuck You […]
I self-medicate with alcohol quite a bit.
When I’m faced with stress, often the only thing I want is to put a big fucking wall around myself so that no one can bother me. All my life I’ve been told that it’s not OK to want that, so then I usually start feeling guilt and self-loathing and an urge to do something self-destructive. Plus the original anxiety is still there. Alcohol both numbs the anxiety and satisfies the self-destructive urge, and I haven’t figured out a better way to deal with that combination of feelings.
Plus, when I hear my father’s voice in my head telling me to get over it, […]
I’m easy to scare. To deal with my overwhelming anxiety and depression I’ve been watching scary clips on YouTube. Anything that I can find from ghosts caught on tape, strange disappearances, weird coincidences, creepy pasta… Anything. It helps. I get scared. It’s become addictive to feel scared of the paranormal instead of just having this agonizing anxiety. I actually welcome a ghost. Anything to shake up my life, anything for a moment not to think about my constant pain.
The thing is, I don’t really know if I believe in any of it. I still get creeped out. But being creeped out feels so much better […]
Hey, just wanted to let you know here how much I appreciate everyone here. I think we all were looking for something unheard of in the real world when we joined up.
I also just wanted to let you know I read as many posts as I can and even though I don’t have the words to help most of the time, I do support you.
Thanks everyone who responds to my posts for putting up with my whining even though you clearly have your own trauma to deal with. I feel I don’t have a lot to offer in return. But sincerely, thank you.
I didn’t realise how broken my 5 year old nephew is he sat on the middle of the road wanting to be ran over because he said he felt so alone I ran across the road we both nearly got run over by a van we both cried and I realised if he was to kill himself I would follow straight after. I don’t want to die anymore and leave him in this world to suffer alone he told me I’m the only person he had last night he had a nightmare that me and him were the only ones alive and everyone else were […]
It’s fucking 7:11am in the NZ here I am woken up looking after my brother’s kids have to fucking do all the shit he would if he was here
Feed them cereal
Make my nephew’s lunch
Get them dressed into their superhero costumes
Have their bags by the door
The whole time I’m doing this make sure they don’t cause World War 3 or argue over a stupid felt/marker because they are currently colouring in, in their books.
Also make sure my niece doesn’t press the button on her Elsa dress that plays the whole song of let it go because I might be prone to pull my hair out….
I’m such […]
Unitato: Sui, what are you doing?
Sui: I’m making something Unitato :3
Unitato: Oh god what are you making?
Sui: Hehe carpet angels or maybe carpet burritos I honestly really don’t know
Sui: Nooooo its not facepalm you’re a Unitato….
Unitato: Oh yeah then what is it called then Sui?
Sui: Hehe facepotato *rolls around*
Sui: Bruh do Unitato’s fart rainbows?
Unitato: I’m part […]
So, I’ve mostly been coming here, just to make jokes and poke fun. Truth is, I’m losing. I have a taste of fun here, that’s all.
Fuck. Trying to think of what to say….
Wake up every day, hoping today’s the day. Hasn’t been yet.
I set my date or whatever, but, fuck plans and schedules.
I’m not concerned with being considerate in my death. Fuck em.
Always a reason. Always a hope. Always a dream.
So , when it’s time, it’s time. Probably won’t say goodbye. Not going to make a big deal. Guess it’s unfair to those here I click with. I’m […]
When I’m faced with an uncomfortable challenge in life, I’m always afraid I might fail and I’m usually even more afraid that I might succeed. The only safe option is to not try, so that’s what I often do. That’s why being depressed makes me feel safe, because I know I’m not going to talk myself into taking any risks. And it’s not like I have any life goals or (realistic) dreams that might inspire me to overcome those fears. When I dig holes for myself, I tend to want to stay there.
I fear failure because, well, disappointment and rejection suck. I fear success because […]
I just have to tell someone this to get it out of my system. Lately I’ve been trying to work on myself. My life has been chaotic recently and lately I’ve been trying to take care of the chaos and I’m finally feeling a little bit better. When I used to have stress in my life I would turn to my ex to just distract myself from my life. Without him as a crutch I was feeling like I was going to lose my dam mind and like I couldn’t get a handle on anything. Me not being able to deal with stress without him […]
Edit: I’m back in moderation hell yay!
Sorry for spamming this song its (almost in)arguably the best part of the movie now on to the post. In exactly 18 months one of 2 things will be true (well both if you subscribe to the scientifically plausible many worlds theory). My life will be significantly improved or i will be completing/completed my suicide. In 18 months I hit a milestone bday. Ive set dates before but this is final. This is less an ultimatum and more of a mad dash to get myself right. Despite my posts there is a fair amount of optimism that ill […]
I don’t think there’s much need to go into detail. I’ve tried to get on with my situation but unfortunately it’s just not going to work out. I’ve made my decision, I’ve given life a fair shot and am not acting on a spur of the moment emotion.
So I’ve been giving it some serious thought and one of my main problems is as the title says. I’m not sure whether I should just start cutting people off and getting them out of my life or not. I’m a patient person and can easily wait up to a couple of years before doing the deed, which […]
I am thinking, and searching on Google about it. And it feels good doing so because then everything becomes bearable: being scared of my future, being alone, being tired. I am thinking of staying on bed all day. I am sucking bigtime on my work and on my classes. I am trying and trying. But at the end nothing is working against my depression.
I am on therapy and on classes on how to deal with things. I am here. I called people and tried exercising. Tried being positive and living in present time. That’s what I am working on right now. But if I could […]
My ex-boyfriend and I broke up about a month ago. I’ve been pretty depressed and anxious ever since. And my mom just found out I failed 3 of my classes last tri, and she said she’s gonna take my phone and car away if I don’t get better grades. That really worries me because my music is on my phone and I rely on my music daily. Everything’s getting a lot harder to deal with. If I see him in the cafeteria at school, I get sick to my stomach and I usually don’t end up eating very much, if at all. I feel like […]
I know I always talk about my ex, but I can’t help it. He is a piece of my depression. A huge piece. I just want to tell someone… I haven’t checked my text messages in 11 days. I turned alerts off. I don’t even know if I have any new messages. I quit cold turkey. It’s like smoking. If he were a cigarette, I would be 11 days cigarette free. The problem is I don’t know if other people are messaging me. It’s not a big deal, it’s not as if I have a ton of friends… they have other ways to get in […]