I’m failing highschool. I know that doesn’t seem like a huge deal but I’m supposed to be ‘the smart one’ in my family. I hate to say it, but most of my family are the typical ignorant, closed-minded people who just follow the crowd instead of researching a topic to make an informed decision. I will be the first person in generations to have completed high school. The pressure is immense. Everyday it’s in the back of my mind. “I wonder how many sleeping pills i have to take? Would gulping an entire bottle of vodka in one go do the trick?” All I hear from my mum is that if I don’t get a good mark in year 12 that my life will be ruined. She doesn’t care what I want. She doesn’t care that it feels impossible for me to concentrate on school when there is death and bloodshed all around us. People are killing eachother. People are destroying the planet. I love science, but how can I study quantum mechanics when humanity can’t even feed everyone?
lately I’ve been completely hopeless, alone, and depressed. I feel sorry for everyone in my life, having to deal with me, I’m so pathetic. I cut myself this whole school year and recently my parents found out, they haven’t looked at me the same, i hate feeling pity from others based on the choices i made, I’m such a *****, i don’t deserve the kindness. I’ll never forgive myself on the choices i’ve made, i’m done, done with the self pity, the apologies, the secrets, and most of all I’m done with myself, i can’t even look at myself in he mirror anymore, I’m ugly inside and out. Im also a liar, i can’t stand having to lie about my whole life, even the small things i lie about, i vacant live with it anymore, all the lies being buried on top of each other. So i’ve decided the best solution, death. Not to look for attention or to cause more pain and pity on others, I’m doing it to erase what should have never been created. i don’t know when i am but I’m definitely going to, i’ll either hang myself or drink poison, whatever works better.
I am under a great deal of stress at the moment. It’s finals week at school and I have my Algebra 1 exam tomorrow. This test will not only determine if I’m going to pass the class, but also place me into a ranking chart of students heading into Algebra 2. Ever since I was 11 years old, I wanted to be perfect. My dream is to go to Harvard, but I’m so stupid and ignorant that that probably won’t happen; nevertheless, I feel as if I have to get a perfect score on this test in order to determine my self worth. If I don’t pass this exam, I won’t get into Algebra 2, therefore destroying any sense of accomplishment I had left in myself. (Although I didn’t have any to begin with.) This test is giving me a severe panic attack right now, and I can’t even focus on studying for it because I know I’m already going to fail. This test is important. This test is determining my future. This test is a crooked game of survival, and I know I will most certainly lose the battle.
Dammit. I try so friggin hard to keep my mouth shut, but I can’t seem to isolate myself properly. Nobody should have to deal with my sad BS, but I am and always will be a whiney, stupid loser. I get weak, and I cave, and I burden others with my helpless garbage. Gah. I wish I could get some rest and turn my brain off.
In 2004, I was pondering about means to commit suicide during two months. I suffered from post natal depression after my second child’s birth. I lost ten pounds in a week, slept about two hours a night, I felt numb most of the times . Each time I felt the pain rising, I played with a knife, or pills, or I went out thinking about getting a gun. I wanted to die, but I was not sure I could succeed, and another failure was out of order.
So one night after the pain was so acute, I got drunk and afterwards, I felt so low that I thought I had to chose between death and life, that there is no way I could go on like this.
So I decided to live and to accept my failures. Each night, I cried for two or three hours every night at first, then six nights a week, then five, … Two years later, crying was occasional.
In my country, depression is not well known and very few people know where to go for professional help. I had to deal with the problem alone, without medication, not even knowing why or what I was suffering from.
Crying a lot helped alleviate most of the pain since I did not think about suicide anymore. But I have insomnia, moods, I feel tired most of the time. I guess in some recess part of my brain the problem is still there.
But the most important thing is that pain may recede, and will recede. Twelve years later, I am still here, not one hundred percent perfect, but still finding happiness in my life.
It’s not even 6:00 am, it’s not even a week day and yet here’s life giving me more shit. Seems to be a never-ending vicious cycle and I’m just about fed up. As far as I’m concerned life can go fuck itself, and I use the word life loosely because this ain’t no life. Sometimes things get taken away to free up your hands for something better ??? I’m calling bullshit. Life feels like a bully sometimes, and when a bully takes your stuff, you don’t get nothing back, let alone something better. Well I say Fuck You life, I’m done with your wratchet ass, punk ass *****, sorry about the cussin but that’s where I’m at. I’m done, I’ve learned to deal with the depression, the anxiety, and even the loss, but I’ll be damned if this world will let me deal with the anger. When all it does is make me mad to the point that I feel the need to tear shit up. Lmfao I’m out !!! See y’all in the funny papers.
I self-medicate with alcohol quite a bit.
When I’m faced with stress, often the only thing I want is to put a big fucking wall around myself so that no one can bother me. All my life I’ve been told that it’s not OK to want that, so then I usually start feeling guilt and self-loathing and an urge to do something self-destructive. Plus the original anxiety is still there. Alcohol both numbs the anxiety and satisfies the self-destructive urge, and I haven’t figured out a better way to deal with that combination of feelings.
Plus, when I hear my father’s voice in my head telling me to get over it, act happy, and keep being social (so I could fulfill whatever expectations he had of me), it always feels really good to tell that voice to fuck off and do exactly the opposite.
I’m easy to scare. To deal with my overwhelming anxiety and depression I’ve been watching scary clips on YouTube. Anything that I can find from ghosts caught on tape, strange disappearances, weird coincidences, creepy pasta… Anything. It helps. I get scared. It’s become addictive to feel scared of the paranormal instead of just having this agonizing anxiety. I actually welcome a ghost. Anything to shake up my life, anything for a moment not to think about my constant pain.
The thing is, I don’t really know if I believe in any of it. I still get creeped out. But being creeped out feels so much better than my anxiety.
I understand why people cut – to relieve the emotional pain by feeling physical pain. I think this is my way to cut… Just scare the hell out of myself.
anyone got a scary real life story?
Hey, just wanted to let you know here how much I appreciate everyone here. I think we all were looking for something unheard of in the real world when we joined up.
I also just wanted to let you know I read as many posts as I can and even though I don’t have the words to help most of the time, I do support you.
Thanks everyone who responds to my posts for putting up with my whining even though you clearly have your own trauma to deal with. I feel I don’t have a lot to offer in return. But sincerely, thank you.
I didn’t realise how broken my 5 year old nephew is he sat on the middle of the road wanting to be ran over because he said he felt so alone I ran across the road we both nearly got run over by a van we both cried and I realised if he was to kill himself I would follow straight after. I don’t want to die anymore and leave him in this world to suffer alone he told me I’m the only person he had last night he had a nightmare that me and him were the only ones alive and everyone else were zombies and we were running from them. I didn’t realise how broken he is :'( I would rather suffer and deal with the shit and drama of my family than leave him alone I don’t think I can bear him suffering bad enough he has to deal with his parents drama. I don’t want to die anymore
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It’s fucking 7:11am in the NZ here I am woken up looking after my brother’s kids have to fucking do all the shit he would if he was here
- Feed them cereal
- Make my nephew’s lunch
- Get them dressed into their superhero costumes
- Have their bags by the door
- The whole time I’m doing this make sure they don’t cause World War 3 or argue over a stupid felt/marker because they are currently colouring in, in their books.
- Also make sure my niece doesn’t press the button on her Elsa dress that plays the whole song of let it go because I might be prone to pull my hair out….
I’m such a ***** in the mornings my nephew tripped on his bottle and I was like “have a nice trip?” I feel like clawing my eyes out. The fucking mother does nothing because she gets what she wants… Not my fault my brother is whipped *whip noise* every Tuesday, Thursday and second weekend he comes over to the unit to annoy the fuck out of me and make me feel pity for him because he wants to get back with his abusive wife who has cheated on him -.- FFS he’s a fucking idiot also he fucking involves me in his fucking drama it’s like fuck off I don’t want to deal with it I got my own shit to deal with don’t need your shit added on, on top of it. So he fucking leaves at 5am leaves me to deal with this shit as usual. *flips table* he’s the one who had kids either the condom broke or he wasn’t wearing one either way he is the father he should take more responsibility of his kids I find it ironic and quite hilarious that he calls me a looney/crazy person let he leaves his kids with me hmmmm? Fucked up logic much? I also have to watch my step nephew this weekend and he is a absolute spoilt snot who needs a slap or two but he’s never been hit before. Why put up with this shit you may ask? To simply put it I’m scared of my brother especially since hes quit drugs he is also quitting smoking and he is unbeatable one wrong thing said and he is like a ticking time bomb who has gone off *explosion noise*
Someone kill me please 🙁
I’m done with life
Unitato: Sui, what are you doing?
Sui: I’m making something Unitato :3
Unitato: Oh god what are you making?
Sui: Hehe carpet angels or maybe carpet burritos I honestly really don’t know
Sui: Nooooo its not facepalm you’re a Unitato….
Unitato: Oh yeah then what is it called then Sui?
Sui: Hehe facepotato *rolls around*
Sui: Bruh do Unitato’s fart rainbows?
Unitato: I’m part potato what do you think I fart Sui?
Sui: I don’t know? Rainbow potatoes?
Unitato: You’re overtired Sui you need to go back to bed.
Sui: I don’t wanna
Unitato: *pokes sui with a stick* Please go to bed I don’t think the people of SP wanna deal with you’re tiredness.
Pikachu: *uses thunderbolt on Sui*
ZAP BING BANG BOOM CRASH…….
Sui: Great now I’m a fried overtired bundle of cuteness/tiredness -.-
I need help seriously look at me XD fml
So, I’ve mostly been coming here, just to make jokes and poke fun. Truth is, I’m losing. I have a taste of fun here, that’s all.
Fuck. Trying to think of what to say….
Wake up every day, hoping today’s the day. Hasn’t been yet.
I set my date or whatever, but, fuck plans and schedules.
I’m not concerned with being considerate in my death. Fuck em.
Always a reason. Always a hope. Always a dream.
So , when it’s time, it’s time. Probably won’t say goodbye. Not going to make a big deal. Guess it’s unfair to those here I click with. I’m sure I can be forgotten.
This place is a trip though. Some you, fuck, only time I smile all fucking day. I could go on and on here, but I don’t wanna make shit awkward. Just know I care bout you more than you could imagine.
And, so that’s where I’m at. Shit IRL too fucked up to discuss , things here I can’t say, so I just keep it all locked up. Make my varying levels of inappropriate jokes. Try not to take me too seriously.
When I’m faced with an uncomfortable challenge in life, I’m always afraid I might fail and I’m usually even more afraid that I might succeed. The only safe option is to not try, so that’s what I often do. That’s why being depressed makes me feel safe, because I know I’m not going to talk myself into taking any risks. And it’s not like I have any life goals or (realistic) dreams that might inspire me to overcome those fears. When I dig holes for myself, I tend to want to stay there.
I fear failure because, well, disappointment and rejection suck. I fear success because when I succeed, people (including myself) tend to raise their expectations and/or give me more responsibilities. That means that when I inevitably have a depressive episode it’s more overwhelming and harder to deal with. I start to see myself as a fraud, or a ticking time bomb, and figure it’s only a matter of time before my emotional instability or lack of some critical skill is exposed in front of everyone.
I just have to tell someone this to get it out of my system. Lately I’ve been trying to work on myself. My life has been chaotic recently and lately I’ve been trying to take care of the chaos and I’m finally feeling a little bit better. When I used to have stress in my life I would turn to my ex to just distract myself from my life. Without him as a crutch I was feeling like I was going to lose my dam mind and like I couldn’t get a handle on anything. Me not being able to deal with stress without him made me miss him more. I realized that it wasn’t actually him I was missing, but it was me being able to distract myself with him. I kinda feel bad because that’s like using him. I do love and care about him, and i’m extremely attracted to him. But I turned to him for the wrong reasons. That was wrong. But I realize that now and it’s making me feel a little bit better. I woke up this morning with some clarity.
Edit: I’m back in moderation hell yay!
Sorry for spamming this song its (almost in)arguably the best part of the movie now on to the post. In exactly 18 months one of 2 things will be true (well both if you subscribe to the scientifically plausible many worlds theory). My life will be significantly improved or i will be completing/completed my suicide. In 18 months I hit a milestone bday. Ive set dates before but this is final. This is less an ultimatum and more of a mad dash to get myself right. Despite my posts there is a fair amount of optimism that ill be good well before that deadline. Maybe even by this bday. Only time my efforts and ability to deal with depression will tell.
I don’t think there’s much need to go into detail. I’ve tried to get on with my situation but unfortunately it’s just not going to work out. I’ve made my decision, I’ve given life a fair shot and am not acting on a spur of the moment emotion.
So I’ve been giving it some serious thought and one of my main problems is as the title says. I’m not sure whether I should just start cutting people off and getting them out of my life or not. I’m a patient person and can easily wait up to a couple of years before doing the deed, which I think would give most people enough time to become significantly less attached to me if they had no contact. With close family….I don’t think there’s much that can be done but they know of my problems and will understand better than anyone why I’ve done it.
Any advice or viewpoints on how to deal with this matter will be appreciated.
As the brown haired girl with black eyes walked into the house the father sat there staring at her. She asked why and he said he had to deal with people like her at work and then had to come home and deal with her. Her eyes got even more dark as her emotion saddened. She asked him if her being alive inconvenienced him and you know what he said? He said yes. She knew that she shouldn’t be here anymore so she processed to leave but didn’t make it. Not just yet.
I am thinking, and searching on Google about it. And it feels good doing so because then everything becomes bearable: being scared of my future, being alone, being tired. I am thinking of staying on bed all day. I am sucking bigtime on my work and on my classes. I am trying and trying. But at the end nothing is working against my depression.
I am on therapy and on classes on how to deal with things. I am here. I called people and tried exercising. Tried being positive and living in present time. That’s what I am working on right now. But if I could think of something in this very moment it would be to end it all.
So I know this guy and he told me how to try something I doubt may work… I don’t get all the details. But maybe I can try… or maybe I can just lay here and do nothing because it would be cheaper and easier. (More likely)
Staying home all day won’t solve anything but then again nothing will.
I don’t see anything wrong with wanting to die. People think it’s bad to cause loved ones pain like that. I don’t really care too much anymore if my family is sad about it. They helped make me like this, they treated me like crap when I already had to deal with a girl who ground my heart into dust, friends who weren’t so friendly, borderline failing grades, and social anxiety. Now it’s forward in time, and they treat me like I’m a rare jewel. Trying to feign care now that they know I’ve sat in my room with a gun in hand, waiting for the extra milligram of willpower to end it. They piss me off way to much. I hate them. I don’t want to see them anymore.