Waiting for the day something big enough happens to push me off the literal edge, maybe. I’ll be 22 in four days and all I’ve done thus far is suffer and have things taken away from me. It may never end. Of course, that’s why I’ve held on this long. Only because I’m afraid and weak. My life is pathetic and it was never meant to be this way, I was going to be something… But I was born different. And now I’m expected by society to march on in pain, and forced by aptitude to embrace myself as a weary soul. So the real question is, do I really want to continue rotting my way through hell? Or do I take a chance at the probability of nullity versus afterlife?
:: I don’t know what I’m waiting for. I’m scared of every answer there is.
Okay, well thanks for sharing. If you are almost 22 years, there should be plenty of years to change your life, if you wish to continue living. But what do I know, I am only 19..
What happened to you? What was taken away, and how was you born different?
I think it’s fair enough that you don’t know what you’re waiting for, and i really do “feel” your anxiety of whatever is going to happen. But no matter what you do, there is always thought and then there is doing it right? What is the easiest thing you can think of doing? If it is waiting to die that could be an option, on the other hand what about making a delicious toast? I know it sounds ridiculous, but maybe taking very small steps could be a way to get some sturdier ground beneath your feet, and make sure you don’t keep liding further down.
Yeah, but some answers are more frightening than others. That’s what keeps you grounded.
And I know there is no way of disproving an afterlife….but when you really think about it, the idea of it seems quite silly I think. I don’t know, so much of a realist these days.
It could be a little thing that propels over the edge too, you never really know. Afraid and weak… A many number of things in my life go *bump* during the night. I refuse to rest until I can ascertain exactly ‘what’ made that *bump*, lest I remain fearful. For I fear the unknown, and once known, I fear no more. Strength needs to be found both inside and out. Mental fortitude, physical prowess – all that good shit. You must be a scholar of some sort (aptitude) and perhaps you can put this to some use?
Eh…you ain’t rotting, although perhaps we’re all festering in this gloominess. For me, I see the next life as a null void…an eternal stasis spent in the cabin of an MV-22 Osprey. You may see it differently. I’ve been waiting for the day that still hasn’t come.
The answer is right in front of us, exactly where you’re looking. The question is; can you see it?
Yeah, idk, I’m atheist but I think about death constantly and so do the voices that I have so it all just feels fucked up. Something is wrong and I can’t put my finger on it, so I “must be crazy.”
That’s some personal stuff to ask, but I’ve just had a lot of people who have been taken from or left me, I was born with a series of disorders and have been in abusive situations that lead to problems with drugs.
I’m not here looking for pity or saying my problems are the biggest or boldest but I’m tired and that is one thing I know. Maybe I do have a lot of time to change my life. At the same time, I’ve tried this hard for this long and I keep eating shit. Every day I question reality, my sanity, and my life as a whole. I just wonder why we all keep doing this, why I keep doing it.
Kahlia – I think you should give yourself more credit. You say you are afraid and weak, and it’s why you are still here. I say you are brave, and enduring, and this is why you are still here. Because deep inside, on a subconscious level you, like every other being, have hope programmed in your DNA.
Do you see how we are both right and wrong at the same time? Because ‘why’ doesn’t matter.
Do you have to constantly think about death? I mean, surely that does not make you feel better, and also technically does not improve any of the things you’ve endured. I know what I am suggesting is pretty out there, but all the thoughts in our head – whether they come from voices or not – are ours and ours only. And as such, they should be subject to willful control. If a certain train of thought makes you feel miserable, then I’d say put all your strength into willing not to allow it. See, if you don’t think it, it can’t upset you.
Fair enough. I certainly know that feeling too. Not the voices, but the fact that somethings wrong, and it is impossible to find out what.
Ye, i am sry if some questions are too straight forward, and of cause, just answer as you please, I am not trying to “push” you in any certain direction.
Maybe there is no reason why people keep doing what they do, and no reason why you do what you do.
Everyone is different, see the world, possible solutions etc. differently, but maybe the main reason people go on, is because everyone is afraid and uncertain about the “afterlife” whether it is in a religious or non-religios context, but at the same time they are certain about the life that is right now.
Gillian, it is hard to control the thoughts, I try every day and to no avail. Something also tells me that I am afraid to get better. I am already self aware of the harshness of reality. Everything that hurts me is a truth, a circumstance. The only way not to feel the pain would be not to know, and the only way to eliminate the knowledge would be to change who I am chemically. That’s just as scary.
And that’s the thing, Hope, I’m not certain about life.. It’s been too weird to me, it doesn’t even make sense anymore..
Kahlia, truths and circumstances are multifaceted.. one can look at them an more than one angle. Of course, the way one looks at things does not change their essence.. Bad and hard times are bad and hard regardless of whether one tries to spray them with rose oil or not. So that’s not what I am suggesting..
You’ve survived through so much hurt. That means something, you know? Something about you, about your endurance and your capabilities. Surely on the backstage of that, getting some control of thoughts is not unachievable. Plus, you don’t really need a 100% success rate. It’s not easy, but definitely not impossible neither. And you’ve been through much more difficult things, isn’t that true.
I always figured the spirit obviously came from the toe-nails. Why would it come from the mind? I mean, the only thing that obviously comes from the mind are headaches and bad ideas.
Aren’t spirits who wonder around trapped in that episode which lead to their death?
Does that mean it is indeed from the mind and how your body reacted?
I don’t think spirits wander around trapped in any episode, except maybe if they turn The Exorcist into a TV series. Rather, I think they get trapped in nail clippings and lost for all eternity.
I break it down into simpler terms. Like when you cut your hair, have a tooth removed or lose some blood. Does your spirit linger in your finger nail clippings? no. When parts of your body are removed or die, they decompose and are not connected to anything. How would death of your brain be any different?
24 comments
Can you add more details?
What are you exactly waiting for, and why?
I read it two ways, either you are waiting for life to happen or for life to end?
Pretty sure they are waiting for it to end.
Waiting for the day something big enough happens to push me off the literal edge, maybe. I’ll be 22 in four days and all I’ve done thus far is suffer and have things taken away from me. It may never end. Of course, that’s why I’ve held on this long. Only because I’m afraid and weak. My life is pathetic and it was never meant to be this way, I was going to be something… But I was born different. And now I’m expected by society to march on in pain, and forced by aptitude to embrace myself as a weary soul. So the real question is, do I really want to continue rotting my way through hell? Or do I take a chance at the probability of nullity versus afterlife?
:: I don’t know what I’m waiting for. I’m scared of every answer there is.
Okay, well thanks for sharing. If you are almost 22 years, there should be plenty of years to change your life, if you wish to continue living. But what do I know, I am only 19..
What happened to you? What was taken away, and how was you born different?
I think it’s fair enough that you don’t know what you’re waiting for, and i really do “feel” your anxiety of whatever is going to happen. But no matter what you do, there is always thought and then there is doing it right? What is the easiest thing you can think of doing? If it is waiting to die that could be an option, on the other hand what about making a delicious toast? I know it sounds ridiculous, but maybe taking very small steps could be a way to get some sturdier ground beneath your feet, and make sure you don’t keep liding further down.
Yeah, but some answers are more frightening than others. That’s what keeps you grounded.
And I know there is no way of disproving an afterlife….but when you really think about it, the idea of it seems quite silly I think. I don’t know, so much of a realist these days.
It could be a little thing that propels over the edge too, you never really know. Afraid and weak… A many number of things in my life go *bump* during the night. I refuse to rest until I can ascertain exactly ‘what’ made that *bump*, lest I remain fearful. For I fear the unknown, and once known, I fear no more. Strength needs to be found both inside and out. Mental fortitude, physical prowess – all that good shit. You must be a scholar of some sort (aptitude) and perhaps you can put this to some use?
Eh…you ain’t rotting, although perhaps we’re all festering in this gloominess. For me, I see the next life as a null void…an eternal stasis spent in the cabin of an MV-22 Osprey. You may see it differently. I’ve been waiting for the day that still hasn’t come.
The answer is right in front of us, exactly where you’re looking. The question is; can you see it?
Yeah, idk, I’m atheist but I think about death constantly and so do the voices that I have so it all just feels fucked up. Something is wrong and I can’t put my finger on it, so I “must be crazy.”
That’s some personal stuff to ask, but I’ve just had a lot of people who have been taken from or left me, I was born with a series of disorders and have been in abusive situations that lead to problems with drugs.
I’m not here looking for pity or saying my problems are the biggest or boldest but I’m tired and that is one thing I know. Maybe I do have a lot of time to change my life. At the same time, I’ve tried this hard for this long and I keep eating shit. Every day I question reality, my sanity, and my life as a whole. I just wonder why we all keep doing this, why I keep doing it.
Kahlia – I think you should give yourself more credit. You say you are afraid and weak, and it’s why you are still here. I say you are brave, and enduring, and this is why you are still here. Because deep inside, on a subconscious level you, like every other being, have hope programmed in your DNA.
Do you see how we are both right and wrong at the same time? Because ‘why’ doesn’t matter.
Do you have to constantly think about death? I mean, surely that does not make you feel better, and also technically does not improve any of the things you’ve endured. I know what I am suggesting is pretty out there, but all the thoughts in our head – whether they come from voices or not – are ours and ours only. And as such, they should be subject to willful control. If a certain train of thought makes you feel miserable, then I’d say put all your strength into willing not to allow it. See, if you don’t think it, it can’t upset you.
Fair enough. I certainly know that feeling too. Not the voices, but the fact that somethings wrong, and it is impossible to find out what.
Ye, i am sry if some questions are too straight forward, and of cause, just answer as you please, I am not trying to “push” you in any certain direction.
Maybe there is no reason why people keep doing what they do, and no reason why you do what you do.
Everyone is different, see the world, possible solutions etc. differently, but maybe the main reason people go on, is because everyone is afraid and uncertain about the “afterlife” whether it is in a religious or non-religios context, but at the same time they are certain about the life that is right now.
Gillian, it is hard to control the thoughts, I try every day and to no avail. Something also tells me that I am afraid to get better. I am already self aware of the harshness of reality. Everything that hurts me is a truth, a circumstance. The only way not to feel the pain would be not to know, and the only way to eliminate the knowledge would be to change who I am chemically. That’s just as scary.
And that’s the thing, Hope, I’m not certain about life.. It’s been too weird to me, it doesn’t even make sense anymore..
Shephard, I am no scholar, sir. I meant aptitude as in my natural bodily instinct to survive.
Kahlia, truths and circumstances are multifaceted.. one can look at them an more than one angle. Of course, the way one looks at things does not change their essence.. Bad and hard times are bad and hard regardless of whether one tries to spray them with rose oil or not. So that’s not what I am suggesting..
You’ve survived through so much hurt. That means something, you know? Something about you, about your endurance and your capabilities. Surely on the backstage of that, getting some control of thoughts is not unachievable. Plus, you don’t really need a 100% success rate. It’s not easy, but definitely not impossible neither. And you’ve been through much more difficult things, isn’t that true.
But how much can one spirit trapped in a tired body take?
Well you know that answer better than I do : )
Plus, I don’t subscribe to the theory that the spirit and the body are two separable things.
I never said they were separable, the spirit comes from the mind obviously. Bodies still suck.
So you saying when the body dies, so does the spirit?
I always figured the spirit obviously came from the toe-nails. Why would it come from the mind? I mean, the only thing that obviously comes from the mind are headaches and bad ideas.
Interesting. So you say a spirit exists but it is somehow connected to your body?
I should say indifferentiable or whatever, no question your soul is connected to your body.
Aren’t spirits who wonder around trapped in that episode which lead to their death?
Does that mean it is indeed from the mind and how your body reacted?
@lorax
what color polish would the spirit-infected toe-nails have ?
I don’t think spirits wander around trapped in any episode, except maybe if they turn The Exorcist into a TV series. Rather, I think they get trapped in nail clippings and lost for all eternity.
I break it down into simpler terms. Like when you cut your hair, have a tooth removed or lose some blood. Does your spirit linger in your finger nail clippings? no. When parts of your body are removed or die, they decompose and are not connected to anything. How would death of your brain be any different?
@duderino: Probably… florescent neon clear, would be my guess.