if i know i have no chance for a life, should i kill myself now and get it over with, even though i want to live a better life but it seems impossible? i don’t want to kill myself. but i see no other way. seriously, i want to live. i want a life. but it is clear now that that’s impossible. why put all of my energy into graduating if it’s not going to happen? he’s made it clear. and if i don’t graduate, that’s it for me. and i have no reason to be around. that’s all i care about at this point. that’s all i want. i want to get out of here and move on. get a job. and start a life. impossible. so why should i continue to put all of my energy into this? should i just get it over with? i don’t want to though. i want to live. i want to live a good, full, successful life. i want to be proud of myself. i’ve been doing so many things to try to turn things around so that i really could be proud of myself. i can’t even be proud of myself. it doesn’t matter. he prevents me from being proud of myself. the only thing i continue to do wrong now, is not be able to ignore him, and focus on my future fully. i wish i could. i wish i could rewind time. i wish a lot of things. no matter what i do to be proud of myself, it doesn’t matter. because ultimately, it looks like there’s something else out there that won’t allow that. i want to die, but i don’t at the same time because i actually want a good life, one that I’m determined to get, but can’t. i really wonder what’s enough.
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The internal war! I have waged this war for many a year. It’s a never ending all consuming war. I hear what you’re saying. Some days you’re the dragonfly and some days you’re the windshield. Splat.. I can sit and ponder the past for an eternity wishing it happened this way or that way, but the past won’t unravel. So, I try to take it step by step. What can I do right NOW. I can type this “word”. Ya baby..I can type the shit out of this word. Nobody is typing in this space, this little text box like me. Fuck ya. And then I make a cup of tea. Hell’s ya…I boil water like a master, like the king of the gas stove. That’s what I do..and damn I’m good at it. Ain’t no body can put me down when I make tea and type this shit.
I think you should be proud of yourself, not everybody tries that hard to get the life that they want. If you continue fighting for what your want you’ll reach it, maybe not today or tomorrow but you’ll be able to get it, I’m sure. I actually feel the same, in one hand I want to die because nothing seems to be ok, but on the other hand I really want to live, I want to be happy, I want a family, a job, a good life…and the only way you can get all of it it’s trying hard. You’re on the right way! If you need to talk you can send me an email panfu_96@hotmail.es
You can get through all of this!! Keep strong