I feel so terribly scared.

Hello I am a 19 year old girl and feel so terribly scared. I am currently in a clinic. I am no longer with my family because they abused me. I just wanna die. I feel so terribly alone. Every second, every minute, all I ever see is fear and feel pain. The people here in the clinic are nice but I feel like they don’t understand me. Besides they don’t seem to know how to deal with me. I have panick attacks all the time and my body jerks whilst I remember horrible memories in my head which I just can’t turn off. My body shakes all over and I constantly feel pain from these horrible memories. When I was 2 or 3 years old my mums boyfriend raped me and I don’t know why but I seem to remember many details that just won’t go away. He was a nice person but he had anger management problems and seemed to switch personalities. He became very hateful towards me. He called me ugly and said I was unworthy and that he was gonna get me. He said that he was gonna kill me because I was an ugly horrible child. He said he hated me and that I wouldn’t be able to run. He said to me that my mom wasn’t gonna save me and there was no way out. He said: Don’t even try to run because your mum doesn’t give a shit about you. I am gonna fuck you because you deserve it. He said he would make me see pain and he was punishing me because he had had a bad life and it was my fault. I thought it was my fault. I almost died. He stuck his tongue into me and almost choked me. He touched me all over as if I were there to serve him. He fucked me and I felt so much pain and wanted him to stop but he just never stopped. Until my heart stopped beating and then he became nice again and somehow I came back into life and he said he was sorry and that it would be our secret. I never told anyone for a long time, but now I simply cannot hide it anymore. It is too painful to keep everything to oneself and not have a voice to to speak. I am so scared, I truly feel like I deserve pain and that I don’t deserve any joy. This boyfriend of my mum left her when I was 3- thank God! But my whole life has been so hard for me. I always tried to stay positiv and look at the good things in life. That’s how I survived up until now. But it hurts me so much because my parents hurt me so badly and I don’t understand why. All I ever did for 18 years was try to love them and be there for them. But they never seemed to be satisfied. And this is why I hate myself. My whole life I felt like I didn’t even exist. My parents were depressed angry upset and also had panick attacks. When I was little I tried to take care of them. For hours I would try to search for a solution in my head so they could feel better. But nothing seemed to work. I felt so alone. And I was so scared of my mums boyfriend. I don’t know how many times he raped me. I can’t remember that. But I remember desperately wanting a friend whom I could run to and hug and cry and tell them what happened. I was always longing for protection as a child. I became very very anxious and would sometimes touch my mom in hope of getting a hug but instead she would start shouting and saying I was bad and clingy and she would look at me as if I was some kind of pervert.. She would become very afraid of me and angry at me. She would shout what is wrong with me and why can’t I be a normal child. Why was I so afraid? Why couldn’t I just leave her alone That’s what she was angry about and she would hit me. Then when I was by myself she would suddenly change her mind and say to me that she needed my help and she would cling onto me and say please protect me. I always felt so terribly guilty that I couldn’t be a better child. Then the kids in school bullied me and beat me and made me do things I didn’t want to do. Then my mom would get mad and not understand why I couldn’t defend myself better. Then my Dad who had left us would call and want my help. Anyway whatever, the point is, I was scared my whole life and I feel so much pain, shame and guilt inside. I feel worthless. I feel out of control. I am sick of having panick attacks all day and feeling like my heart will stop beating any moment. I just don’t want this life anymore. But I am still not giving up because I believe there is a meaning to life. But I am struggeling really hard.