I fucking hate hormones

I honestly don’t know how to do this. For the past 2 or whatever year my anxiety has literally gone through so high I feel like someone stuck covered my heart in glue so that I can’t breathe. It’s gotten to the point where every hour I need to be constantly sighing almost every hour. And my so called “Friends” are just complete asshole and bullies to me since i’ve been prone to fear my entire fucking life. I guess my child hood wasn’t so bad since I was such a stupid kid and don’t remember much. My parents were very loyal to me and my sister and I guess my at home life wasn’t to bad. I had a mom, a dad, a sister, and some other family member. But school. Oh my god. School was terrible. Because I was a stupid weak flacid kid I didn’t really do much my entire childhood since I was well ya know stupid. I got decent grades just cause maybe I was gifted and just understood things really well. I learn things pretty fast *thank you genetics* but in kindergarten I remember my teacher completely scared me when she said I was in trouble for hanging out with a certain kid. Not only was I scared of what my mom was going to think but then everyone in the class look at me and to this day I never ever want to be the center of attention. Then in first grade I kept on throwing fits because I was so done with school. I hated everyone in there. I thought it was stupid and pointless so I kept begging my dad and mom to please stop taking me to school. I wasn’t bullied I don’t know what it was that made me so violent. Since I really tried to block it out of my mind I can’t remember too much of it. Oh yeah then because I was such a anti social kid and didn’t know how to react in front of other kids and I cried alot. Then the rest of the year were really going great. I had friends just not best friends. I never really hung out with anyone at lunch I sorta just waited in line until the lunch bell rang. Then in 5th grade things started getting so much better. I can actually say I like people for awhile. Then in 6th grade was the best year of my entire life. I remember on the last day of school I felt like crying and I told myself it was the only year I would give up anything for. But because I lived far away from that elementary school. I had to go to another middle school. That was when that year I felt that feeling that I thought was gone. I had been happy for such a long time I forgot what It was like to be so lonely. In 7th grade it’s like someone tackled me and completely duck taped me till only my eyes could move. I had no friends I started all the way from the bottom. Because I was so damn clever i told myself to stop being so sad because you’re just fine. Only to realize lying to my self was the worst thing i could do. I bottled everything up until I cried. And even then it wouldn’t fucking go away. I kept track of everyone who talked to me just so I could cherish that feeling of interaction. I was terrible at sports so gym was fucking hell for me. It seemed like no body loved me. My parents obviously loved me but let’s be honest it’s what they’ve been doing for a long time. It’s not the same as another person. I told myself that i’m fine im healthy i have a home and parents and all that good stuff. then I would just fall into depression because I knew once I go to school everything thought I thought would suddenly change. It got to the point where I lied to myself so much that by the time it took me to realize I wasn’t okay. I was pretty much dead. That day I was going to throw up because I had not realized I wasn’t eating or sleeping at all. through out the school day I wanted to cry but because I was so scared of people i didn’t have the balls to talk to the teacher. I didn’t want anyone to know about it. I looked in the mirror and knew I was a mess. My hair was greasy. I had the thought that “What if I don’t make any friends at all by the time i’m done with school” (Cuz seriously I had no friends) Just because I had a new outfit everyday doesn’t mean I could care enough to wash it. I wanted to change and like the personality I have I became sophisticated quickly enough to realize “I’m not o fucking k I can’t do this anymore you’ve been such a piece of shit your entire fucking life you’ve literally done nothing and it’s fucking sad if you want to be something then start off with not being such an emotional weak dysfunctional disgusting piece of shit.” It kinda reminded me of Teddy Roosevelt. Ya know he was such weak boy his entire life then one day decided to change. kinda like me. Oh teddy. The next few weeks I really just kept my thoughts in check. So much negativity poured over me but I was smart enough to realize It’s only temporarily  and one day I will be better than anyone i’ve ever met. And holy fucking shit I started making friends. at the end of the year for the first time…I….actually went….to another persons house. (Did i forget to mention – I’ve never been to another persons house, 14 and don’t know how to ride a bike, still take pisses sitting down, and change in the bathroom stalls during gym.) I only stayed for like 10 minutes tho so not much excitment for her but for me is was so weird and scary. Eventually we became very good friends until guess she got too cool for me so we’re not really friends anymore which makes me very sad. But i remember that I have to be positive and not be a piece of shit no matter how much of a shit fuck you already are.

Now 14 years later I still suffer from terrible social anxiety, depression, becoming this apathetic person from all those years spent in solitude, and just the fact that I might never really be able to do anything in this world because of the fears I can’t conquer . I know it’s hormones just fucking me over or something, But I guess for all you people who like to but blades against your wrist, or have the thought of suicide floating in your head. Please really study this next paragraph. There is literally nothing you can do but believe in your self. Tell your self in the rudest way possible way to stop being such a stupid fuck. There is millions of ways you can do things. Keep your thoughts in check always. Self awareness is such a beautiful medicine. You’ve got to have a positive attitude no matter how hard life fuck you in the ass. And please know you only get one shot at life this is no rehearsal and you’ve got to be happy. Finally know that there is someone/something somewhere that you will not regret living up to that beautiful fucking moment.

*note: I really stressed out right now so I just needed to rant somewhere since I still don’t have any friends.