some days i’m okay but other days like today i’m not. i’m trapped in my thoughts thinking about this baby that never took a breath. at times i find myself literally sitting up staring at the wall. what could i have done to possibly warrant this event.
sometimes i think maybe its for the best. she could’ve grown up to be the worst human ever
other times i think its my fault. whoever took her away thinks i cant handle the task of raising her right. maybe i was in over my head. maybe i wasnt ready. i couldnt do it.
i’d rather suffer trying and be constantly complaining about life as a parent but instead i’m thinking that her death is my fault. that i did something to make her go. i’m all alone again with a body i hate. constant reminders of her time here. stroller in the closet, car seat in the hallway, tiny clothes and shoes in a bag that i have to stare at everytime i grab a scarf from the hook. my best friend that used to keep me awake at night with her jarring kicks to the rib is gone and its every bit as real as losing a baby you got to hear cry.
i think i’m obsessing and maybe this isnt the place to let it out. i’m told not many people go through this. but who knows
i never thought i’d say anything of the sort but i want to have headaches from hearing her cry
i want to change horrifying diapers
i want to clean spit up from my shoulder
i want to be tired from 3 hours of interrupted sleep
i want to be trapped in the house because of her
i want to hear her cry, just once
i want to see her smile, giggle, and laugh
i want to feel her tiny hand grab my finger
but i wouldnt expect anyone to understand. i only held her once
the beautiful bugger. tiny and as silent as can be
so what do i do with my life now?
10 comments
Carry on. That’s all I can say. Carry… On. I referenced your post from 16/03. It must have been tough on you to look at your belly knowing she wasn’t there anymore. Honestly, all I’ve ever wanted was a child to call my own, so I can understand your pain.
I’d also like to know what her name would’ve been, if you don’t mind my asking?
i didnt think it would be this hard. i thought it was a joke and sneered at others who lost babies and made a “big deal” of it. now i get it
her name is Amelie
I was a “Sneering Imperialist” myself, thinking I could crush all dissidents in name of Queen & Country. Look what happened there… Amelie is a beautiful name. Those 35 weeks with her must have been the most precious in your life. I really wouldn’t know how you could recover from such a thing as this. But I wish you all the best anyway 🙂
(I wish I had something with a more profound meaning to say to you.)
it was. aside from gaining weight lol
but since you’re the only one talking, i do appreciate your words. even the ones i dont understand 🙂
Oh, but of course hehe. They say there’s nothing more poignant and beautiful than a woman with child. I echo that sentiment. Hey, it’s no problem at all. We all need an ear from time to time, so you’re more than welcome. Oops. Sorry, my twenty years on earth have cultured me something terrible. I often have to remember what these words mean myself!
20…. im 20 🙂
Others have been through this too. It’s got to be hard.
I would encourage you to keep writing and expressing yourself. There has got to be a group/board for mothers who have lost newborns. They’ll have wisdom about the journey. Although everyone’s story is different, they will know what it’s like.
Oprah did an interview with Gary Zukav on Super Soul Sunday. They replayed an interview of him talking with a woman who lost one of her two twins. He had some good points.
never heard of that interview, i’ll look it up
i stray to this group from time to time cause i already know it. too exhausting to find another one
I’m so very sorry for your loss. I went through this, twice. The first was a baby girl and the second was too soon to know. This is where my username came from. I wish this pain on no one and I know how painful it is to look at the things that are left behind. You will never forget her, but it does get easier. People would tell me that something might have been wrong with her and that just made me angry. Please don’t lose hope. After losing two of our angels, we now have two here with us. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone and if you need someone, I am here.
its a little comforting to know i’m not the only one. not so comforting to realize that i will remember this forever. every last detail of labor & delivery is etched in my memories. its haunting
thank you. id love to talk more