The strange thing is, I don’t feel depressed. I feel like a terminally ill patient just trying to enjoy the time I have left with the people I love. I look around at them and I feel utter guilt and shame at what I know I am going to do. But I also realize how catastrophically disconnected I am and have been for so long from them and everything else. There is a beautiful world out there, but I know now, it is not mine. There used to be something in me that cared, something that loved. But that thing is gone. That thing will not come back. All I feel is the weight of my failures, and I can’t breathe under this shame. It’s too late for me. No one in my life has any idea there is the slightest thing wrong with me. But I will be dead this time next month. I have acquired what I need to do it. I have my plan and it’s not the gesture kind. I just don’t want to ruin a family wedding, my grandmother’s birthday, mother’s day. The month of May and that’s it for me.
I’m just doing my best now to make sure I don’t give any warning signs, give them any reasons to feel guilty they couldn’t stop me. Because honestly, no one can. I have begged the skies to take me home the better part of my life. I don’t know why I’ve never felt like I belonged here. But now, it’s time for me to go. There is no place for me here. I just wish I could say goodbye. It’s so lonely knowing you’re going to die. But this is how it has to be.
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I don’t know how it can be lonely knowing you’re going to die. That fact is greatest thing every being, fish, animal, bird, insect, virus, or human has in common. There’s a beginning, middle and end. That’s just a fact that you can lean on when you think you’re disconnected. You’re not.
There was a video going around a while ago.
Two fish swimming in a pond and an older larger fish swims by and says, “How’s the water, boys?”
The old fish keeps swimming and the two fish look at each other puzzled. One fish says to the other, “What’s water?”
The one thing that separates and keeps you disconnected is your own mind. You don’t even know you’re already in the water and there’s no escaping “the water” It’s impossible to be disconnected.
Shame can be brutal, so can failing to accept ourselves. If you could forgive yourself, do you think it would make any difference in the quality of your connections?
I can relate though, believe me, it is hard to strategize to minimize the fallout, because there will be fallout.
I myself haven’t figured out the when part but the means is coming in the mail lol. I have felt the same way most of my life.