Riley’s story

ok lets try this again. mon at 1040 pm just got off line talking with a three four people on plenty of fish pof i feel as though am doing something wrong talking with three different people and to be honest Michelle i dont know what am doing am 38 I dont know how to be friends with a girl I dont know how to date people my age I fumbe threw confersations becuase i dont even now how to hold a conversation more thatn half of my life is a drunkin druggy blurr thats why i feel so intimadated and lost and thats why i got so attached to You but like i said its like am cursed i fall for  the ones that have no intrest in me that way or there allready taken its not You its everything and what i mean by attached is talking with i dident feel threatend or pressured or if you would ask me somthing that i dident know what to say I know bounderies am just trying to explain why i feel as though i have to sorry. the thing that gets me is ten years ago I could have swept even You off you feet and now my mind is like jello just doing the wiggle and wierd shit falls out in the form of sentences  lol does any of that make sense and now i cant even hold a conversation with a beatifull girl with out tripping over my lips and fumbeling words by the end i feel dumb like did i hjust sya that wtf or well here is an example last summer this girl at the fair i wanted clams so i walked over to the fair the girl working the clam tent she was cute skinny tall and she rememberd me from grade school she started talking to me and the first thing out of my mouth was this really i dident think any one liked me after billy invited all of us to swim and got mad becuase the girl he liked was talking to me and so he threw me out of his pool and told me to leave so i jumped in the pool and shit in it got out and said have fun at your pool party *****. i thought about what i said and just walked away could not beleave i said that why she was flirting with me and i went there of all places I just wish someone that fit my intrest ok that fit what am attracted to would show some intrest care be nice listen give me chance and thats were the whole thing with u came from U dident leave you stayed dident make feel stupid or imature and it was nice not that u did anything inapropreit  and am so very sorry becuase for me thinking what it must be like to sit across from someone who devolpes feelings for you cant be easy i know your trained but still it has to be hard idk maybe thats my biggest problem I think of others before i think of my self even if it hurts me. so anyway back to the pof thing i guess it was a bad idea now i just want to delete it its all ready starting one of the girls am talking to went out earlier and dident say anything so i texted her like three times and was finally like if i did somthing or said somthing wrong am sorry u can ask me anything and like ten minutes later i was just about to send her another one she replied and said its ok relax am out with friends ill text you when i get home I felt like such a loser Screaming WHAT THE FUCKJ IS WRONG WITH ME WHY AM I LIKE THIS I HATE THIS WHY CANT BE LIKE ONE OF THOSE FUCKING ASSHOLES THAT HAVE NO PROBLEM PICKING UP BEATIFULL WOMEN AND TREATS THEM LIKE SHIT AND HAS ONE ON THE SIDE AND THE WOMEN JUST STAY WHY WHY DO I HAVE TO BE FUCKIN TARDED AND TORTURED.  I really just dont understand why the world is the way it is why is so cruel so very cruel what did i do to deserve the life ive lived the pain humilation sorrow there like my personal entourage and then i sit back and read what i just wrote and dont even now what to say. ok well maybe this will shed some light on things i would prefere this not get wrote down but if you feel its inportant than ok. Please dont lauph or giggle when i get like this and i stop typing which its eleven fifty six figure to writ the above took twenty minutes and stoped at dont even know what to say for the well not really sure say 45 minutes I was cureld up in  a ball with my knees pulled in as tight as i could get them to my chest in the corner under my table that sits against two walls hiding  there in the corner like someone was or something was there trying to kill me praying for it to go away to stop to please leave me alone begging pleading waiting for someone to rescue me crying to the point i made myself sick  did that wierd breathing thing when your crying so hard shaking like i was freezing to death sweating i had to change i was soaked unable to stop it just kept going and going and after idk how long i must have fell asleep passed out i really dont know its not the first time this has happend atleast two maybe three times a year this happens dont know why or when it happend the first time i remember it happening was after my mom swated me a bunch of times with a fly swater cuse i did not want to goto school and refused to get out of the tub i was like eight nine maybe the reason i dient wanna goto school was afraid to get beat up again and did any way so after i ran upstairs and she found me under my bed still naked from the tub about idk maybe an hour later i dont think that was the first time but its the first i can remember have you ever heard of anything like this still going on at this age am 37 how the hell am going to be with an audult let alone one that is well what i find attractive tall skinny sexy educated idk when stuff like this happens and this is the second time this year Michelle like i said once twice maybe three times a year and some years it doesent happen others like this year I know stuff like this is inportant its just embarsing how truly fucked up am theres alot of little things like this and watching cars waiting for Mike Page Mom Dad You someone to come save me and  take me away i really dont know i just sit for hours watching cars sitting in the pool room looking out the sliding doors at main street just waiting for someone anyone ive done this for years the people change that am hoping or waiting for but one constant that one person you kinda create in your head not really sure exactly what they look like but there your dream your everything idk how to describe it atleast since i was sixteen i guess some were arund there.1212 make a wish.  well with that random thought (at this rate my smoking is going to kill me before i get to a point were my mental state is well enouph to actually hold a real realation ship) am gonna goto sleep night. ok so now its 1228 not sure why i started thinking of this but i was thinking about talking to and i cant beleave i still cant remember her name the red haird lady at pros and we were talking about why i feel so hopeless and said ok let me ask you three questions and be honest one would you ever bring someone like me around your kid or kids be honest you wont hurt my feelings the only answer i could come up with is no that answers question two if u would not bring me around your kids theres no point in dateing so the answer to that one becomes no by default third question one of the reasons people get together is to make a life together and build a future be honest again that includes fiancily so nobody that i can think of is going to get with a 37 year old who has no retirment no social security built up and has 15000 dollars debt just in student loans with no education ansd i said now you see why am hopeless I dont want to die alone id rather be  raped (cant beleave i said that tue morn 825)again every day for the rest of my life than to die alone and i know a year ago i sat in your office and said i dont want a realation ship am good being alone doesent bother me i was hoping if i told myself that enouph times it would come true but i guess or atleast right now it seems like a big deal to me and thats some of the reason why i hate society so much its not built umm designed for people like me we dont fit in they have found ways to make us feel like we do but theres no real function we perform were just here its like grade school and were the real poor kids in a wealthy town we just dont belong. Thats sad or atlkeast thats my take on it.
tues morn 819 am ok not to bad so far anxious waiting for mike and my mind keeps going what if he dont show up or forgets me even though I sent him a text at eight.
gonna try not to rant when i put my thoughts down I know you will be reading this so I go on and on in one thought what ever it was when i started wrighting is what i rant about  gonna try not to rant on o and on this is more of a thought jurnal so you can see how many negative thoughts wrong thoughts go threw my mind different thoughts idk.ok on another note maybe its best if i dont reread these really wanted to delete the part about qotation but that would not be productive probably would have deleted the whole thing.
tue april 1st.. 809 pm my sister and i got into she was dead wrong in my opinion. but becuase i got high ill do You the respect of waiting till later when am level.
later 810 lol
its 1049 and since eight ive been ok the racing thoughts are managable and am level first time oday becuase i dont want to be high all day so this is my time i guess idk maybe this is my problem but ive been smoking the same one gram for three days about ten dollars worth and still have about half of it left one one hitter a day is my habbit.
ok so I talked with mike today and he gave me that form you fill it out they send a social worker and a nurse out to evalute him and see what he could benifit from if any =thing and mike said they would help on filling for ssdi so i told candy she got pissed mad as hell somthing about not enabaling him to be lazy his problem is hes lazy sits there all day doing nothing i was like and I qote i was proud of myself am sorry i dident mean to upset you or piss you off I thought i was doing a good thing and am getting fuckin jumped for it i figured any help we could get would be welcomed am sorry i just thought it would be a good thing am sorry I apoligize i dident know and walked away. (take that you crazy fuck.) lol sorry. so i texted my sister tresa the same thing and her replie was lets hold off and wait we can revisit this later I said ok well i told her to send it on to missy we would make it a faimly decision and told her this way there is no way i did anything wrong and this way i dont kick myself later down the road for not doing it and then told her alan agreed with me. her replie was then why are we talking about it (thank you very much) I said am not arguing this way there is no way am in the wrong on any front. and that was it at dinner candy said she was sorry she was mad about her car. lol hahahah lol omg really so I thought ha eat that shit you worthless pieces of shit again am sorry but wow i just typed that…………………………………………..sorry just kinda took me by surprise any way I think that was the first time i have ever won an arguement with my faimly thank you Michelle it felt really good to not feel like the asshole or think i was wrong or that i did somthing wwrong no guilt  thank you again. for what lol for not Leaving, even when i pushed, for helping someone like me.
wen 751 lets were do i start at noon i went over to the hospital to have yet another xray done they found a noguel and wanted a better image of it to see what exactly it is. the xray tech i was watching her the first one she did no body movement no facial expression as it came up on her screen the second one she came back out turned me just a little to the left and went back in as it came up on her screen her facial express was like a combination of shock and saddness like she just pricked her finger so probally not a good sign well see i guess. so i walked back over to pros ive been going every day i found that in the afternoon i was dark and gloomy followed the group but it lead into me telling the group about page and how it effected me after group the red hair lady is still taking about signing my self into the hospital i told her if You or her feel as though something is wrong or i seem to distant or anything am sure You or her will step in i said and left it at that. so i get home go up to alans at four thirty to make sure he got to his apointment and to see if he was going to his apointment downtown at his pcp he goes you candy or somebody fucked up we drove there got there sat there for an hour and half and finally they said your apointment is next wen wtf is wrong explain this to me alan i called tuesday they and got all your apointments not make them just get what time they were they said wen at 1230 at 550 harison st ok i said becuase his doctor orderd it and we need it before tues the eighth she said again the apointment is wen the second at 1 come early so he can fill paper work out so 1230 he gets there they said no its the ninth i told alan look they fucked up just like last week theres no point in having a sit down with the doctor with out the scan without the scan the doctor has no reason to see alan they fucked up and i got in trouble yet again i spent mon and tues calling here and there trying to find this and that out social services about recertification on friday could i do it for my brother instead of him i have to be there anyway no reply no call back and every time i call her it goes to voicmail and no call back. I am so frustrated at people why does every one seem to like causing me pain so much hurting my feelings leaving me feeling betraid useless like I tried to help it was just not good enouph. and then he goes I just need someone that nows what the fuck there doing and can do it right i dont know who but i cant count on you and candy obvisaly. I said ok i dident fuck up number one number two and i stoped yself and said i get that form mike gave to me and bring it to the doctars office ill see you there so i get there terry droped him off went to go get her daughter so i got there when she did walked in with her said to the nurse i have this form its for my brother the doc needs to fill it out can you let alan now were here she said yup she came back and said alans said to let you two in pointing at his ex wife and daughter i was like ok three four people standing there i felt like a dumb ass standing there again hurt betraid like what i was doing wasent good enouph so i said ok see ya later and walked out and left done over fuck them fuck him fuck my fsaimly. its the last time any of them make me feel that way am gonna find the best way to put it and send them all a letter saying the exact same thing. the next time one of you dont respect me or belittle me or treat me like the fucking baby of the faimly and i have to do what u say or else or just any disrespect becuase u dont agree with how i live or what am doing or what ever I will no longer have anything to do with you nothing i will not talk to you or be around you and if you cant understand that i have all sorts of isseus and need help so be it but unless you are going to pay one of my bills this month not you live with us U eat our food no IF YOU DONT PAY ONE OF MY BILLS THIS MONTH DO NOT VOICE YOUR OPINION TO ME. wait it gets better so after all that i come back told candy was angry so i did not do a good job of explaining but she was like dont worry about it its ok so i texted my sister tresa ill read those to You the next time so atleast tresa recongnized that i did nothing wrong and alans nows how to use a phone and just let it go you did nothing wrong ok so talked with her about it and then at 812 candy texts me I qoute can you go help alan hes feeling ill needs to get food into himself try to be very nice. ummm no fucking way nope sorry i dident even answer it ill deal with her attitude when she gets home. so here i sit yet again feeling like a useless forgot about abused used tool like am just a thing that got discarded lost forgot about and there i sit rusting away to nothing but dust and scaterd in the wind pieces of my self just scatterd all around like dust particles in the sun light shinning threw the window. so like i said i cant get away from pain it follows me hunts me and haunts me all i keep thinking is when will it stop when do i get to wake up and the first thing i see is the one I truly love and truly loves me as much and I know she wont leave me or betray me. when is it my turn to be happy and have a life when. 849 and am sick of everything the hurt the constant why dident she notice me why cant i be with someone that cares why am alone why did all my plans for my life as teen go up in smoke in one fatel moment i lost all my dreams all my plans for the future the plans to have a normal loving caring faimly with kids hopes dreams wants my fairy tale ending ended with me watching her get hit the impact the sound tires screeching the dull thud of her head hitting the ground and me standing there above her sqeezing her in my arms watching the twinkle in her eyes fade into darkness why god why i have the phone in one hand and am contemplating ending myself and ending all of this 911 is dield and rready i realy wwish Yoou were heree all i keeep thhinnnking is dont break your promises Dont disapoint stop just stop 855 ok its passing and 903 its gone am ok did nothing stuppid. its 915 what You just read is really the deepest ive ever let any one get any one no one has ever heard or read or seen how bad it gets it was as if i was standing there all over again at that moment in time it was as if i was watching myself as i floated away and now am just an empty shell stuck with out a soul a purpose a reason for being here I had no one to turn to later when roger showed up at the hospital he dident say anything on the way home when i told my mother she was in one of her moods and said good you dont deserve to be happy you little basterd. so I hid it all away and from there on all i did till my dad died was smoke drink eat inject anything i could to hide the pain dull the pain fill that emptyness that ive felt ever since I promised her id never love anyone more than her and ive kept my promise all these years regardless of the pain it caused me or what i had to destroy  I want to say somthing but dont think it would be helpfull at this time and make things worse so ill kepp it to myself and make a not ill re visit that statment at a later date or You can ask if its helpfull ask if i say no well move on. I hope letting you in this deep( into my persanell thoughts i guess like  i said maybe a lot of this shit i should keep to myself but whats the point of theropy if your not true with yourself and the one whose helping you threw it I beleave to be a good therapist the person there giving therapy needs to trust the therapist completely and with out feelings of getting hurt or feeling betrayed and to know if the therapist reports something its in there best intrest and the therapist did it as a friend or atleast are close idk not like somebody you work with or say hi to help here am stuck lol ithelps in some small way becuase i feel really naked valnerble and nervous scared open kinda like your in my head no can access my memories and feelings like a folder on a computer as I allow fearfull that Ill get hurt again or abandend I called it trust but abandon makes more sense i guess. Its hard to describe Try it with someone you see Once a week who in all accounts could be sitting at a bar lauphing about this poor female who had been malested by her step dad and her boyfriend had a wierd fetish he liked to role play he played her dad sick I agree having me serve them drinks while he sat there telling all these people about it I think there was 20 people there maybe six and myself listening to the story thats no bull shit I was pissed to the point I switched the higher tipping bar for the local only sunset room and told karen why she switched and about an hour later she threw them out this is whwy alot of this is hard I have to force myself to trust you with everything ill never meet anyone you could ever tell but still I think ive had enouph for one nite am gonna smoke and take a shower sorry I really am for everything.
This is just some of whats going on in my life all the loss and pain is to much i just dont see away to be happy am losing that battle and my christian beliefs will only carry me so far with holding back the inevadable it would take more time than i have to write it all down this is a letter i wrote for my councelor i live with the thought death would be better everyday all day for the last nineteen years ive held on for a long time and am reaching the end of what i can do alone and yes ive treied seven eight times hanging overdosing cutting drowning the last one three weeks ago i tried to shoot myself with an old gun i bought at a garage sale it was an old german gun i thought it was a twenty two i loaded it put it in my mouth and pulled the trigger it went off but it was not a 22 caliber the bullet got stuck in the barrel during group a person said god doesent want you to come home yet he has a plan for you my response was whats that comic relief seriously with all the death in the world why cant i just die. My counsoler asked if you could have anything what would it be I told her this to have you love me and let me put my head in your lap and have you run your fingers threw my hair and when i drift off to sleep to put a bullet in my head. thats my story so there it is.
Riley Knapp born 3/23/1977    shadowrye@hotmail.com