Broken mirror

Hello I’m 25yrs young I like that word better I’ve felt this way for awhile now I attempted suicide once already and died for about 5 seconds, long enough to hear the heart monitor flatline and feel life slip away, when I was a kid I had believed in finding something to believe in or hold onto, when I was younger I would look into the mirror and this feeling of sadness ignite in my heart I’d stare through the tears and tell myself it’ll change it’ll go away I used to wake up at night and cry until I fell asleep again sometimes my mom would be there to comfort me sometimes I couldn’t stop and my mom would worry and then I’d stop to keep her from stress, she would talk to me ask me how I feel I would tell her why I do that and say “I’m not happy with who I am” I know it would break her heart she would always find away to cheer us up, I remember at night I’d climb up on our roof and see the moon and watch shooting stars go by I could see downtown from up there I was that much closer to heaven up there and didn’t want to come back down, in my childhood there are so many memories of places I’d take off to to leave the world behind, there was a dirt hill big enough it made a bulldozer look like a toy from the bottom once you got up there though it was awesome, I always knew I had to come back down at some point and those words are why I have always felt this way I know that when I think I’ve found happiness it’s not going to last because whoever it is that brings it will be gone just as fast, I thought I’d grow to be big and strong but that didn’t even happen we were always poor and sometimes had to ration food I was always kind and thoughtful when it came to this, in high school if was pretty much an out cast or zombie no one bullied me or I’d fight them,  I never needed anyone around as long as I could be happy with me and I knew I wouldn’t always be, a big part of this is because I grew up in a First Nations family we had different fathers I didn’t look like my brother and sisters and my skin was and is paler so I had to deal with the jokes about my skin and that stuff and being smaller than others because of spinal cord meningitis if I was “normal” I could forget about all this shit but nope, I’m inclined to believe that because of my “bodily condition” I can’t be happy here, I know in spite of what people say about hope in this world I am right, if I was taller not so slim or tiny I wouldn’t be writing this I wish I had another body that’s only a dream, I want to leave this place behind and so many times in my life I’ve thought of this I’ve people say there’s a better way but those words come from the mouths of people who have something (themselves) to hold onto, not me I do know there are those who have it far worse but I’m not them I’m me I’m broken all broken I can live this life and continue being this way maybe things will change, when will that happen ten twenty years what a waste of energy that sounds like, I’ve got every reasonable sounding piece of advice lingering in my mind but none sound like they’re worth the pain and torture or even that long of a wait, a life of pain and misery I’ve apologized to everyone I ever did hurt it was always my nature to do so and if I do leave this place behind the truth and an apology can be found, I have a kind spirit and wouldn’t want anyone to feel this way, I could write forever about this and exactly why I feel it but an already long story short I don’t want to be hurt anymore and don’t want to try hard to believe I fit in somewhere when I don’t I just want to go….home!