Game Over

So I started to become chronically depressed which only worsened as I aged. I believe it started when I was 8. Parents are selfish with terrible emotional and self esteem issues who should never have had the right to conceive. To summarize; Mom is a few wire-crosses short of self-combustion. Ego driven, superficial maniac that is incredibly angry and would just scream, scream, scream 24 hours a day. In any other previous time period she would have been taken out back behind the barn and put out of her misery like a rabid dog. Dad has some self-esteem issues, and would basically put me down my entire life. Never encouraging and hardly ever speaking; when he did it was only to criticize or insult.

So after 18 years of just this, was enough to permanently screw me up for the worse. Such as making me depressed, quiet and have a low self esteem. Needless to say my entire life people always would start to clue in after seeing me enough and realize that I never smiled and that I was “off”.

From 8-18 yrs old was the worst. At 10 I moved away from the house I grew up in, leaving my best friend (next door neighbour). To move to a big house isolated from anyone I knew, simply because my Mom needed more luxury to sit on her ass all day in. This was when the decline started for me.

In elementary school and most of highschool I was a loser, never really fit in and started skateboarding to try too. I was awkward looking. Head was too big for body, thick wavy ratty hair and a terrible personality from a lifetime of shitty up bringing. Constant depression was a daily thing — I used to skip class 1-2x per week to come home and basically cry and watch anime to try and zone out.

At 16 started boxing to because it was violent, independent, and I wanted to get “teh abs”. I started out strong and my couch saw potential in me when I knocked a fully padded grown man over by punching him. I became so obsessed with getting “teh abs” and the idea of success that I ended up training so hard that I actually became ill from it. 5am sprinting cardio before school + 1 hour of weight training at school + 4 hours of boxing classes on literally a 1200 calorie diet I made for “teh abs”.

Needless to say when you exercise 6 hours a day and require 4000-5000 calories to function and only eat 1200 you will get ill. My obsession to get good led to my self-destruction in this regard. Either way boxing never made me happy, I remember looking in the mirror at myself after a tournament and hating what I saw. Ugly, acne, bulbous head and scrawny body, I looked like sh1t and wanted to curl up in a corner and die.

Quit boxing but kept weight training at school. I seemed to have a naturally ability at this (the only thing in my life I ever have had for). Within a week I had gained 5lbs and my arms grew probably .5 inches — I was hooked.

For the next 2.8 years I obsessively worked out, but I did it smart this time. Skipping parties, friends, drugs, alcohol  (I still havent drank a pop in over 5 years to this day); I became obsessed with weight training.

The truth of this world is its very very shallow and superficial. As I grew guys that used to take no notice, insult me or even bully me, were sucking up to me left and right. Telling me I was huge, wanting to hang out with me, etc, etc. I was physically growing for the better but my mind was still tarnished and depressed from years of wear.

I eventually got a long term girlfriend at 18, and we lasted till I was just about 20. I was so obsessed with weight training I would hardly ever sleep in the same bed as her as I needed full REM for growth.

By the time I hit 20, I was 230lbs of muscle from 155lbs scrawny. I would go as far as saying I was one of,  if not the biggest natural bodybuilder in my city at my age.

I had just broken up with my gf at this point and was working a new job. Was upset but didnt let it stop me, the relationship kind of died before it died, if you know what I mean.

At this new job I started to notice a shift in how people reacted to me. Apart from guys, nearly every girl I even glanced at seemed to fall for me. I hadnt noticed it but while every guy my age was wearing stupid hoodies, reaking of pot and wearing ridiculous clothes; I was rocking 18.5″ arms and dressed like Ryan Gosling from that bar pickup movie. Younger girls thought I was mature, and older women thought I was 25-30yrs old. Around this time, I had been getting a lot of attention and was going out with a few girls that were about 8-11 years older than me.

However, my mind was still set in “loser mode” even though my body wasnt. And this attention and realization; the first good thing in my life started in October and ended that coming january. Literally as I was just starting to finally gain bits and bits of confidence, something bad had to happen.

I started not sleeping and getting tons of body twitching, anxiety, irregular hear beats; basically a bunch of weird neurological like symptoms. I wanted to quit my crappy labor intensive job because of this but my stupid mother decided to demonstrate her typical lunatic self and just screamed and made threats if I quit.

Stupidly I continued and went to work on no sleep for the next 3 weeks to please the beast. I ended up getting fired for not being able to “keep up with the pace”. By this time back pain had started setting in. Extreme back pain and extreme twitching. Went to many doctors, physios, chiros, etc. They all either made it worse or said “just let it heal”.

I was optimistic during this time, I even started working on developing my tarnished terrible personality through things like PUA, self improvement, anthony robbins, wayne dyer and eckart toile. And started doing things I normally wouldn’t; like hang out with friends and go to bars.  And because of my obsessive physique I remember getting like 70 girls phone numbers or something like that after about a month of going downtown on the weekends. However, I was in so much pain, tired, angry and depressed that I couldnt really have any real fun because of this. I couldnt even enjoy the stuff I had always thought I would never get, but was now getting. It sucked but I figured I would get better soon and be able to pursue all of this later.

I even found awesome guy friends who thought I would make them successful as well. I had a pick of deciding who I would move in with in an apartment right above the downtown club scene. Though I was waiting to get better before I moved in with them.

However, my pain only grew worse and eventually I stopped going out.

There literally is no surgery that will address this issue, and there was only one solution which was injections. These injections however cost roughly 600$ per treatment and the new doctor I was seeing told me I’d need about 7, spaced 1 month apart.

I wanted to kill myself but I never lost hope to regain the lifestyle I had only briefly found and lost.

After a year of this and 12k down the drain, I was still not much better. I could still not even get a back massage, pick up something remotely heavy, bend much or even exercise with light weights without twitching, numbness, extreme pain and insomnia from the prior happening.

Soon after I got injections in the neck to see if that may help the overall spine and problem. Was put into a neck collar that wasnt properly fitted.

Now I dont know what happened but within 2 months later, I was had gotten a new problem. The same problem with back had spread over to my neck. Cracking, crunching, popping in my neck and lower skull when I turned my head. I eventually started getting extremely scared, anxious, unable to sleep, jelly like legs, unable to tolerate noises without feeling the need to puke, sunlight made me sick, standing too long made me sick, eyes started to burn, leak and wouldnt open more than half way. Terrible headaches, leg pain, twitching, back pain still, one eye started to sag and look lazy, unable to think, short term memory loss, started reading and skipping words, shaky hands, even got lost in a parking lot, low testosterone (terrible).

Went back to doctor and was told this “new issue” was likely already there but dormant. Yea right, he just gave me another problem.

So I ended up getting more injections to actually fix the problem the first one did (paradox mentality kind-of). Anyway that was about 4 months ago and now my where am i?

Well everything is the exact same except from the injections + time + vitamins I now able to read a little better and think a little clearer.

However, back is still screwed, neurological symptoms are still there, my eyes still burn and are lazy, cannot even shower without 2 hours or exacerbated syptoms occur. Testosterone is still low, sex drive is lower, IQ is lower, thought processing is harder, pain is still bad, and I still cannot lift a broomstick without pain later.

There really is no cure for this via surgery or modern medicine as spinal ligament laxity is not studied or known by surgeons or doctors, the only hope was this “stem-cell like” experimental doctor that I had been seeing.

And all the sympathetic, autonomic and twitching related symptoms that cause motor-function issues (twitching) and neuro-chemical-hormonal issues (low T, memory loss, etc) is all guess work as well.

It has now been 2.1 months since I have gotten injured and I have only gotten worse with the addition of this neck issue.

I have gradually reclined in social interactions and life over that time. At the moment I’ve left my room maybe 4 times in 5 months. I sleep sporadic hours, I don’t talk to anyone except to my aunt via phone. I have isolated myself from the world. I cant even have a shower without my eyes burning closed and dizziness and irregular heart beats following for 2 hours after. My body and hormones are completely screwed up.

I realized early on the world was a cruel superficial place. Therefore I made it my goal to achieve a successful and happy life through 3 things — Health, Wealth and Relationships.

I had aquired the health goal only to lose it before I could enjoy it, I aquired the relationship goal only to lose it before I could experience any of it.

Currently as I lock myself into my room I am working on the only thing left — Wealth. Through internet marketing I may earn enough money from making websites to earn off. Currently I am at about 500$/month passive-autopilot income.

However I really have no motivation for money because it will not fix me. Even if I made a million dollars; just like the other two life goals I would not be able to experience it because I will most likely kill myself anyway.

I am just doing this as an escape to reality so I dont kill myself  right now; for some last purpose maybe.

I went from complete loser — to winner — to loser again, and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna walk through the world living with the feelings that I had from 8-18 all over again. If I can’t regain my physique (health) and relationships, I would rather die where I stand.

The mental pain of knowing the life I always wanted could of happened and the fact that I lost it, is too much to bear. I’d much rather burn out than slowly fade away.

People that say suicide is a solution to a temporary problem — I disagree. It is choosing to turn off the console when the game can not possibly be won.