So… i just finished my plan, you guys probably know what kind of plan i have and it is just great, well planned actually.
But im thinking we should i go one last time. I tought in a beach, it would be troublesome to go but i can handle, i think in some hill or high place, i have fear of heights, but the sight would be awesome
Soo… what you guys think? Where should i go one last time?
Processing your request, Please wait....Reality is boring, Humanity/Mankind must move beyond money & politics for real progress.
Although technology have been progressing rapidly nowadays, yet sadly in many aspects, Humanity/Mankind/Society still have slow progress; Everyday is still the same day & problems over and over again repeatedly.
I believe that in order to make a real progress for Humanity / Mankind, we must quickly focus & do the followings:
1) We must move beyond money & politics. It is outdated. A lot of problems in this world today basically stems from these two root causes (& also superstitions especially in religion, as well as in Ignorance & Stupidity due to failure in Education). For a truly real progress, we must start to focus on much more important things. Try look up/google for Universal Basic Income (UBI), as well as Resource Based Economy (RBE), The Venus Project, & The Zeitgeist Movement, for starter.
2) We must seriously consider that there is a possibility that Humanity / Mankind will go extinct / extinction. Most probably caused by our own Ignorance & Stupidity, as well as Greed. Therefore, we must prepare for the worst possible scenario, and one best solution is to start building a system of selection for the best few candidates of Humanity / Mankind (10% of the planet’s population, for example), whom will continue the future of our Humans Species in the best, smartest, most intelligent, rational, logical, most creative, wisest, & most civilized as possible.
3) Finally, we must unleash our Human’s greatest & most important potential: Imagination. If reality is boring & very limited/limiting, then the only way for us is to start focusing quickly on how to enter the world of Imagination, and turn it into reality ASAP. Some very important technology that must be quickly developed are: Artificial Intelligence (AI), Virtual Reality (VR), Augmented Reality (AR), biological Mutations, entering our Consciousness into the vast Net, as well as Transhumanism. We must turn the wildest, most imaginative movies & video games for example like science fiction (sci-fi) into reality ASAP, for real progress.
Otherwise, we will be stuck in this boring reality everyday, repeating over and over again, & even it could get worse & worse!
Processing your request, Please wait....Honestly, I just can’t understand nor fathom why Most / Majority of people can go watch movies, read cool, creative, imaginative books / novels / anime / comics, or play super imaginative & fantasy video games, and then later on they just go back to reality, as if nothing happens, and they’re ok with everything.
I hate to say this, but Most people simply just lack Imaginations. Even worse, Most people are boring. All people care in the everyday’s reality & their lives is just the most superficial, mundane, boring, & stupid things. Which is very depressing, especially when you feel like you’re just alone & can’t relate with most people anymore.
And I even can already predict in advance, that people will quickly spout out & say boring things like: “if you find Life / reality boring, then maybe it’s you who are boring, not this awesome, beautiful Life / reality.”
Bullshit.
People who said those words are, in my experience, either usually just stupid, naive, ignorant, and/or boring, lacking Imagination & even intelligence / not too smart.
Reality IS boring & depressing. Especially the more you know, learn, & observe it.
Have any of you heard the “Avatar syndrome” ? Google it. It’s basically the post-effects that many people apparently got, after watching the movie “Avatar” (James Cameron). It’s the feeling of depression, because they’re back to reality again, after watching (& experiencing) such magical, cool, awesome, mind-blowing, breath-taking, & beautiful ‘other-worlds’ of Avatar world.
I wish I live in Harry Potter world / universe , I wish Harry Potter was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Final Fantasy world / universe , I wish Final Fantasy was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Star Wars world / universe , I wish Star Wars was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Marvel Cinematic Universe , I wish Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU / MCEU) was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Avengers world / universe , I wish Avengers was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Lord of The Rings world / universe , I wish Lord of The Rings was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Naruto, One Piece world / universe , I wish Naruto , One Piece was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Mass Effect, World of Warcraft world / universe , I wish Mass Effect was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Skyrim world / universe , I wish Skyrim was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in World of Warcraft world / universe , I wish World of Warcraft was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in AOV (Arena of Valor) world / universe , I wish AOV (Arena of Valor) was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Kingdom Hearts world / universe , I wish Kingdom Hearts was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Mobile Legends world / universe , I wish Mobile Legends was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in Ready Player One world / universe , I wish Ready Player One was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in The Matrix world / universe , I wish The Matrix was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in magical / magic world / universe , I wish magic was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in dragons world / universe , I wish dragons was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in fairy tales / faeries / fairies world / universe , I wish fairy faeries fairies was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in cyberpunk world / universe , I wish cyberpunk was real / is real / really exist ,
I wish I live in fantasy world / universe / I wish fantasy was real / is real / really exist ,
etc etc etc
Reality is boring & depressing , & very limiting ! Real life is boring & depressing , & very limiting ! Real world is boring & depressing , & very limiting !
Fuck this boring reality ! Fuck this boring real life ! Fuck this boring real world !
I wish Virtual Reality (VR) , Augmented Reality (AR) really real & exist, and will progress much faster in those very important technology. Because I believe that Imagination is Humanity / Mankind ‘s most important potential, to turn into reality !
Otherwise, it’s probably better to just die, commit suicide, than to live / survive in this boring depressing life, world, & reality !
Processing your request, Please wait....Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !
Human’s imagination is better than reality !
Movie / Movies is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Game / Games is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Comic / Comics book is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Novel / Novels is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Science fiction ( sci-fi ) is better than boring science facts , reality , real life , real world !
I wish superpower / superpowers really real exist …
I wish superhero / superheroes really real exist …
I wish magic is really real exist …
I wish mythology is really real exist …
I wish science fiction ( sci fi ) is really real exist …
real world is boring ! real-world is boring !
real life is boring ! real-life is boring !
reality is boring !
I HATE REALITY !!
I HATE REAL LIFE !! I HATE REAL-LIFE !!
I HATE REAL WORLD !! I HATE REAL-WORLD !!
Reality sucks , boring , depressing , and very limited / limiting / many limitations !!
People / anyone / anybody who said reality is fun & interesting , real life is fun & interesting , real life is fun & interesting , are usually people lacking imaginations & creativity !
In real life / real world / reality , there is no dragons … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no magic … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no superpower / superpowers … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no dragon / dragons … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no spells , wizards , casts like Harry Potter , Lord of The Rings, Game of Thrones … !!
In real life / real world / reality , we can’t fly … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no time travel , time machine … !! We can’t go back to the past , or to the future … !!
In real life / real world / reality , there is no alien / aliens , cool gods , advanced extraterrestrial beings , other cool creatures with special powers , etc etc … !!
in real world / in real life / in reality , it’s all only about MONEY / business !!!!!! .. . . .
in real world / in real life / in reality , everything is about MONEY MONEY / business !!!!!! .. . . .
i hate money , I hate business , I hate jobs , I hate working , I hate work !!! …
and in real world / in real life / in reality , most people / Majority of people are stupid , shallow , superficial , fake , ignorant , boring !!
I wish Marvel Cinematic Universe ( MCU ) , Avengers is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Game of Thrones ( GOT ) dragons , Harry Potter , Lord of The Rings ( LOTR ) is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Star Wars , Star Trek is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Skyrim is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Naruto , One Piece , Bleach is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Sword Art Online ( SAO ) is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring!
I wish AOV is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Final Fantasy is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Kingdom Hearts is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish RPG is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish science fiction / sci-fi / scifi / sci fi is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish Ghost in The Shell is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish The Matrix is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish cyberpunk is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish aliens is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish magic is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish superpower / superpowers is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish mythology is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish dragons is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish magic spells wizard is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
I wish magic is real / really exist … real-life is boring / real-world is boring / reality is boring !
Most people are lacking imagination !
Majority of people are lacking imagination !
Most people are boring !
REAL LIFE IS BORING ! REAL-LIFE IS BORING & DEPRESSING / DEPRESSION !
REAL WORLD IS BORING ! REAL-WORLD IS BORING & DEPRESSING / DEPRESSION !
REALITY IS BORING & DEPRESSING / DEPRESSION !!!!!
better to die than live or living in this real world !!! …
better to die than live or living in this real life !!! …
better to die than live or living in this reality !!! …
FUCK REAL LIFE !!!!
FUCK REAL WORLD !!!
FUCK REALITY !!!
THIS REALITY IS BORING , REALITY SUCKS , & REALITY IS LIMITED / LIMITING / FULL OF MANY LIMITS / LIMITATIONS … !!!!
in this reality … sadly ,. I am just a loser failure in this Society of Humans & Money …
.
.
so again … Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !
escape into imaginations … !!
if I can’t ,… then better suicide & die than live / living in this boring real world … !!!
if I can’t ,… then better suicide & die than live / living in this boring real life … !!!
if I can’t ,… then better suicide & die than live / living in this boring reality … !!!
..
.
.
Processing your request, Please wait....Human’s Imagination / Humans’ Imagination / Humans Imagination is better than Reality
Movie / movies is better than reality / real life / real world
Video game / games is better than reality / real world / real life
Novel /novels is better than reality / real-life / real-world /
Sci-fi / Science-fiction is better than reality / reallife / realworld
Fantasy is better than reality / real world / real life
Anime / manga is better than reality / realworld / reallife
Dream / dreams is better than reality / real-world / real-life
I hate reality !!!!
Reality it’s all about MONEY !!!!!!
Reality is BORING !!!!
Real world is boring ! real-world is boring ! realworld is boring !
Real life is boring ! real-life is boring ! reallife is boring !
and people are stupid , ignorant , shallow , superficial !!
I wish I could live in Imagination
I wish I could live in movie / movies
I wish I could live in video game / video games
I wish I could live in novel / novels
I wish I could live in fantasy
I wish I could live in sci-fi /science fiction
I wish I could live in anime / manga
I wish I could live in dream / dreams
I wish I have superpower
I wish I could be a superhero / superheroes
I wish I could have MAGIC
I wish MAGIC exist / exists
because this REALITY is boring !! REALITY is just TOO FUCKING BORING !!
people who can’t see this are usually just stupid , unimaginative, dull / boring themselves , lacking / lack in imagination !
this real world / this real life / this reality is very LIMITED / LIMITING in what I can do / what we can do !!!!
it’s all about MONEY !!!
‘Success’ , everything is measured by MONEY !!! I hate Money !!!
We live in a very LIMITED / LIMITING real world / real life / reality EVERYDAY !!!!
Imagination is better than reality !!
Imagination is much better than reality !!! . . .
maybe I should just commit suicide , than living in this reality / real-world / real-life
I am a loser in this real world / I am a failure in this real-world
I am a loser in this real life / I am a failure in this real-life
I am a loser in this reality / I am a failure in this reality
.
Processing your request, Please wait....i wish harry potter was real really exist , i wish fantastic beasts were real really exist , i wish magic was real really exist , i wish magic really exist , i wish wizards were real really exist
because reality is boring , mundane , and limiting limited
because real world is boring , mundane , and limited limiting
because real life is boring , mundane , & limited limiting !
reality is all about MONEY !
real-life is all about Money !
real-world is all about Money !
Life is boring , mundane ,
movies is better than reality real life real world !
novels is better than reality real-life real-world !
comics is better than real world real life reality !
video games is better than real-world real-life reality !
MMORPG is better than real life real world reality !
manga is better than real-life real-world reality !
anime is better than reality reallife realworld !
Why human’s IMAGINATION is better than reality ??? …
here in our everyday ‘s reality , Life is all about MONEY !
and people are stupid , shallow , superficial , people are lacking imaginations , people are boring , dull , mundane !
(PS : i wish lucid dream is real lucid dreaming is real , astral projection is real astral travel is real , Virtual Reality like Sword Art Online is real , i wish dreams were real … because i hate reality , i hate real life , i hate real world ! it’s so boring , only for people who lack imagination & stupid )
does anyone agree ?
can anybody relate ?
Processing your request, Please wait....I hate reality ! reality is boring !
Doctor Strange is better than reality !
Marvel MCU (Marvel Cinematic Universe) is better than reality !
Avengers is better than real world !
Sword Art Online is better than real life !
Virtual Reality is better than boring reality !
video games is better than reality real life real world !
movies is better than real-world real-life reality !
novels is better than real-life real-world reality !
anime manga is better than boring real life real world reality !
comics is better than boring real world real life reality !
Why Human’s Imagination is much better than reality ??
movies , games , MMORPG , novels , anime / manga , comics is better than reality real life real world ??
if God exist , then God is boring god !!! to create such a boring reality / boring real-life / boring real-world !!
In reality , it’s all only about MONEY MONEY MONEY !!!
or people / Humans are stupid , shallow , superficial , ignorant , that MOST / Majority of people only care about shallow & superficial mundane things like celebrities gossip , talking about other people , status / image / fame / popularity / how to be popular / famous , how to get girlfriend / boyfriend , have kids , talk about job career business profits Money blah blah blah !!
I’ve found that people who said that “No, reality is not boring , YOU are boring ! ” are usually people who lack imaginations & intelligence ( *real* intelligence) to be able to comprehend how *truly* boring REALITY is !
I wish that Virtual Reality (VR, eg: Oculus Rift) develop quickly ,
I wish Astral Projection , Astral Travel , Out of Body Experiences (OBE) , Lucid Dream / Lucid Dreaming is real ,
I wish Science develop quickly & much faster , I wish teleport / teleportation , time machine / time travel is real ,
I wish Artificial Reality is real ,
I wish AI (Artificial Intelligence) is real like in science fiction (sci-fi) movies novels comics games anime manga,
I wish parallel universe , multiverse , another dimension , another universe is real ,
I wish science fiction sci-fi is real ,
I wish Transhumanism / Transhumanist is real ,
… so I can leave this boring everyday reality / everyday boring real life / everyday boring real world !!!!
… if all those things are not real (aren’t soon becoming real) ,.. then I think it’s much better to commit suicide / die than live in this boring reality , LIMITED / LIMITING reality , mundane reality , dull reality , stupid reality , ridiculous reality , absurd reality , harsh reality , cruel reality , cold reality !!!
can anyone / anybody relate ?
Processing your request, Please wait....Today was my friends high school graduation. I went because that’s what friends do, right? During the ceremony I was sitting with my other friend, and I was texting the one guy who knows about my depression. It was light hearted and joking conversation but he’s not the best at conversation so I stopped responding because all I wanted to do was tell him how I’m doing mentally. But it wasn’t the time or place. But I haven’t seen him in a while and I got to see him today but I wasn’t able to to talk to him in person because we each had other obligations. But just seeing him is making me fall into that depressive mood because I just want to talk to him but I can’t.
But after the graduation I drove by myself home and I just wish I had someone with me. And I’m having family issues because they want to talk about other people who have depression but I don’t want them to know about me. And it just pisses me off because my mom keeps acting like she’s the expert on depression and I just need to get out of here. Anyways so today was suppose to be about my friend because she’s the one who graduated and after the graduation I just feel really lonely right now so I was texting my two friends and tried to make the conversation about me to the point where I think I am going to tell them about mydepression the next time I get the chance. But I’m not sure if I want to do that. I feel like I only want to tell them so they pay more attention to me and care more for me. I feel like I want to force them into giving a shit about me.
(Sorry if my posts jump around a lot. I just have a lot of thoughts but don’t know how to explain them fully)
Processing your request, Please wait....Short version of story:
Met strange guy in dark parking lot alone.
Trusted humanity.
Had a panic attack later.
Lived to post about it.
Incredibly long winded version of story:
I was sitting in my car just getting ready to go home Wednesday night after soaking up the free WiFi. The place was closed, and everyone else had already left. I had just a couple things left to do, and then I was going to leave…..
But then I noticed a guy walking across the parking lot, headed straight for me.
He looked a little stressed out.
I didn’t know whether to communicate with him or drive away.
If this had been in a town like Lansing, I would have driven away.
When I went to MSU, there were frequent stories of women going out alone at night and getting attacked and/or raped. (not just rumors; actual stuff in the newspaper where the police listed the crimes).
Now I (thankfully) live in a very boring place where the crime rate is low (but not nonexistent).
Perhaps against my better judgment, I let him come up to me and start talking.
He said his friends had stranded him at WalMart (about a mile away) and he had walked all this distance trying to find someone with a phone so he could call someone to come pick him up.
Again, probably against my better judgment, I let him use my phone .
And he really did call for help.
And he said thank you and gave my phone back.
Simple as that.
He started telling me about how he was stressed out because all these bad things had happened to him at once. The first thing was his home had burned down, and then there were other items on the list too, and more, and more. I felt so bad for him. Then after all that, for some reason his friends had stranded him at WalMart. As he walked away, he said something like “but I got my cokes in the bag… that’ll make me smile, right?” At first I thought he might mean cocaine, but I could see a few coca-cola cans in the bag.
He thanked me again for the help and walked off sadly to wait for the person who was coming to get him.
Now that I think about it, I don’t know why he couldn’t have used the phones at WalMart, or asked any of the customers in the parking lot there, but whatever. (That is kinda weird, right?)
Anyway. I went home (after getting a cup of Mt.Dew). Walked in and put my laptop case on the bed. Did my usual nighttime ritual of taking off the leg braces, lifting myself in bed, getting comfy, pulling a couple blankets over my lap…
I reached into my laptop case, where I’d also kept my tablet…
And my tablet was missing.
My brand new tablet which I love slightly more than oxygen.
OMG. OMG.
The panic attack started gradually as I searched and searched again, and searched a third time even though by then it was ridiculous. I got up, put my shoes back on, grabbed the canes, hobbled back out to the car to re-trace my steps…
Nothing.
Nothing on the floor, nothing on the porch, nothing in the yard where it might have dropped out, nothing in the car.
By now the panic attack was in full force.
Hyperventilating. Heart pounding. Vision blurring more than usual. Terror. Gasping. Repeating the same three words over and over and over and over again: (“I don’t understand, I don’t understand, I don’t understand, I don’t understand….”)
I started grasping at wild theories… did the phone guy steal it somehow?
Still hyperventilating in full panic, I went back to the bedroom and pulled back the covers again…
And there it was.
Which makes NO SENSE, because I had ALREADY SEARCHED THERE multiple times.
Yet… there it was.
Panic changed into relief, but it still took forever for me to get my heart rate and breathing normal again. Ever heard the loud deep gasping someone makes when they’re hyperventilating? Yeah. That was me.
But eventually I finally calmed down. I’d found my tablet.
It still makes no sense that it was right there in the exact same spot I’d already searched multiple times, though. I just don’t get it.
Processing your request, Please wait....Thanks to those that read my posts about my ex. And for all the advice I got. I am in a much better place now.
My last post about him was how I let him go. It’s been about a month now. I feel better. I’m still depressed, but not nearly as much. I don’t find myself crying anymore. I don’t feel like I want to die. I feel like I can breathe now. Love is something else. Loss is crazy. Loss hurts like nobody’s business.
I don’t know where we’re going to end up – my ex and I. I say that because even now, I still don’t feel any real closure with him. Do people ever really get closure. We never had an official break up. Our break up consisted of “not at the moment”, “not right now”… and then having sex a month after breaking up. We broke up in January! Had sex in February. And I’m still in this. My heart is still half way in this. I had to let go, because even when we talked back in April, he was still flirty. He’s the one that broke up with ME and he still acts as if he wants me… but he doesn’t want me. That is why I had to let it go officially. Since letting him go he hasn’t contacted me. I haven’t contacted him. I didn’t even have a conversation with him either, I just told him to leave me alone basically and he has listened.
I’m opening myself up to the idea of dating. I met this guy that I work out with, he’s really sweet but I’m not sure if he’s interested. He seems to be the type of guy that has women as friends, so I can’t tell if he’s being just nice or if he could want more. I’m a shy person… But it feels nice to be legitimately interested in someone else, even if it doesn’t go anywhere. It feels like I’m letting go.
I do admit that part of me still wants my ex and I have a feeling he still wants me too, but it’s just not the right time for him to be serious with anyone. But I’m not sure. I don’t know. Which is why I let go. If we ever do get back together it has to be all or nothing though. I can’t stand the half/in between stuff we were doing, it was driving me crazy. I want a commitment.
But I am also opening myself up to other possibilities and I’m also letting myself get used to the reality that he could also meet someone else.
It feels scary and good letting go… I just wish that we had some sort of closure so I could stop hanging on to a hope, no matter how feeble it is…
Processing your request, Please wait....Reality is boring
real-life is boring
real-world is boring
not like movies, comics, novels, anime manga, video games !
also,
I hate Humans , Humans suck
I hate Human , Human suck
I hate Humanity, Humanity suck
I hate people , people suck
Most humans / people only think about Money ,
and this reality is boring !
reallife is boring !
realworld is boring !
people / humans are so shallow, superficial, stupid, ignorant
Humanity is hopeless
if there is God , then God is boring !
even Science is boring too !
Science fiction (Sci-fi) is much more interesting than real Science facts !
why we can’t live in movie / movies , video game / video games , comics / comic books , anime , manga ??
I wish superheroes exist
I wish superpower exist
Human’s Imaginations is much more interesting than reality / real-life / real-world !!
I want to live in X-Men , Avengers , Marvel’s superhero / superheroes comics / comic books , Batman v Superman , Sword Art Online , Naruto , Bleach , One Piece , Warcraft , DOTA , Star Wars , Game of Thrones , Harry Potter , Lord of the Rings , etc etc !
Human Imaginations is more interesting than real life / real world / reality !!
I wish Virtual Reality (VR) , Transhumanity / Transhuman project , Mutants / Mutations , Space Travel , Time Travel / Time Machine , Teleport / Teleportation technology , Telepathy , Lucid Dream / Lucid Dreaming , Astral Projection , Aliens are real !
bye bye boring reallife
bye bye boring realworld
bye bye boring reality
Suicide is better than boring Reality !
Processing your request, Please wait....what my math teacher wrote on my math test, which I got back today with about a 70%. a couple days ago I got a 52% on an english quiz I didn’t know we were having for the reading I forgot was assigned. he’s right, of course, because I usually pay attention pretty well no matter how wrecked my mental state is. he is right because I can do so much better. I have had straight A’s all year, but this term I’m just hoping against hope to pass. it’s not even that I am doing that much worse than I have been, it’s just that my ability to feign the ability to function as a human ought to has an expiration date (something similar happened last spring as well). I should be doing so much better than this but instead I just continue to let myself get worse.
in other news, my therapist thinks I should look into medication this fall. I’m ambivalent. everything I’ve seen here seems to point toward medication being useless at best, and doing more harm than good at worst, but then I guess that the people whose medication worked wouldn’t be on a suicide forum. if anyone’s still reading to this point, could you let me know if this might be a good idea? also, should I tell her that I’m suicidal? originally I was a definite no on that but now that she’s told my mother I’m depressed and cutting, I’m not sure how much more damage could be done. I know it’s so weak, but it’s so goddamn hard to have to drag myself through every tiny thing that should be easy, and then have people wonder why I don’t try and am so useless. the weak, ugly, childish part of me wants to be coddled somehow. but then maybe she wouldn’t and would just be disappointed in me for it, since disappointment is the only reaction I can elicit from anyone anymore. (again, if anyone is reading, can you advise as to whether I should tell her? I would appreciate any advice.)
I’m sorry about how whiny this is.
Processing your request, Please wait....I wanna start by sayin when I post here I dont want to sound like some winny 23 year old we all know theres no where else to vent to , even right now my heart is broken with dispair nd I want to die I need the courage to do myself in
With that being said maybe if I could jus reach a new friend here maybe something will change so SP …
What is everyone doing right now what do yu do from day to day lets just try And connect more
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Shrouded in black and enveloped in shade. Cutting white noise and chronic scenes of anguish jolted Alvan awake into a reality of full dark, all pitch no stars. A gnawing silent tooth ache of the mind begging for acknowledgment. A validation into being eternal. He anxiously looked around hastily as he reached for his sword only to find his sheathe had been taken from him and his horse, Silver Dart, was nowhere to be found. He managed to keep his panic at bay until he felt a jarring compulsion to nurse a searing pain in his knee and to his dismay his hand went right through his limb and turned a pale blue. Electric shock ran through his disheveled locks as he screamed Cecilia’s name. He called for his horse but none came. An ever present cackling had peered into his consciousness for the past — what felt like an eternity. Time no longer made sense here. Wherever here was, he could not say. All he knew was that he was nowhere familiar and comfort had made no attempt to console.
As rudely as he was awakened his mind was suddenly flooded with memories of a place he once knew. Mighty ships, and sojourning sailboats drifted across his mind as the taste of salt water appeared on his tongue. It all felt so sudden and real. An experience of now yet the sense of dissolution and delineation was strong. There was a separation, but not in the salt of the mighty blue aqua body soaking his tongue. An older man, who he felt could’ve been his father was barking orders to a rambunctiously eager crew during a heavy windstorm. He saw the ship washed up on a shore left as detritus for the tales of widows to vocally sift through. He saw children smiling up at him expectantly and a hopeful sun being eclipsed by a despairing moon. He still tasted salt but it was gradually replaced by blood. He saw still frames of bludgeons, and pictures of bodies. Piles carted to grassy knolls only to be burned in sacrifice of absolution to an unknown deity that was evidently not here with Alvan. He saw epochs and ages pass. Yet he did not see her. He saw times and tales unravel before him as if he was really there and involved. No trace of St. Cecilia.
“When do you intend to depart? What say you?” Alvan, shocked by the violation of his privacy still stood entranced in his nostalgic odyssey into a world’s past. He slowly turned around to be greeted by a gruff and nodding character adorned in purple feathers and a large gold necklace that teasingly hung a diamond covered key. His eyes shone like heavenly sky fires and his voice embroidered a calm knowing. “Well, does the mysterious visitor speak…?”
Stuttering and his oblivious nature intact Alvan only stood assaulted by innumerable questions. “Where am I…? And, who are you?” He managed to extend in muffled nervousness.
“I am Balthazaar. And this is the land of Despair. Do you not feel it?” His questions seemed to be rhetorical as he planted one foot firmly in the floored firmament.
“That’s all I feel. But where is my horse and…” Alvan choked back regret and the transparency this voided place brought. “… Where is she?” He continued. “I woke up to the stench of Death and taste of salt that turned to blood. What does this all mean?”
“It means you have been here before. Despair is a place souls go when they want to remember their pain so they do not do it again in their next life.” The foreboding personality answered matter of fact.
“Well, I don’t belong here.” Alvan resisted, and his voice no longer hiding the irritated edge.
“You can leave any time.” Brooding Balthazar heaved.
“How? Show me the way! Show me now!” The militant vagabond exclaimed in a torrent of pain.
Balthazaar the Stoic, moved his gargantuan frame one oak tree leg at a time. Bumbling toward his guest and finally relinquishing his momentum to stand solid with a face of statuesque seriousness. There was no levity in this land and it was apparent on the key wielding guardian’s visage. “You will need this.” He brandished the key before Alvan’s tormented face revealing a vulnerability he had never known.
A pang of loss, like a fiery arrow found its home in Alvan’s back. “Why do I feel so heavy? Why is there no release here? All I feel is this weighty sadness.” He was thinking out loud now, sacrificing any pretense for honesty and desire to leave at all costs.
“Alvan the Despairing, you are feeling the collection. The amalgam. The hording of deep blue. The addition of all the pain you’ve experienced over the course of all seven of your lives spent on earth.” Balthazaar’s once emotionless face now exposed an expression that could only convey one of sympathy. This key will take you to the great beyond. This land is part of the passage The Great Divide. With fortitude and forehead of flint you can complete your journey to the other side. It’s up to you. It always has been.
“What about her Balthazaar? What of her?” Alvan desperately inquired.
“It is not her time. You, and only you must cross this great divide Alvan the Despairing.” His appearance appeared to lighten and the stoic Guardian opened his chest to reveal great purple wings. “Take this key,” he commanded sternly. “The time is now.”
“Aye. Let me not remember this pain Balthazaar the Stoic. Let me not remember.” Alvan, laid hold of the key with his right hand as it released a brilliant light meant only for angel eyes. “To the great divide! Let me not remember Balthazaar! Let me never remember this!” Alvan desperately yelled. The composed wanderer losing his composure in a flurry of tears and suppressed pain looked to the door with the head of a lion, bear and eagle. All three animals spoke, “We grant you safe passage” in an almost rehearsed unison strengthening the confidence of The Despairing Vagabond.
Balthazaar turned around as Alvan inserted the key and heard the all too familiar sound of the dimensions unlocking. “Be at peace, soldier. Rest in peace.”
Processing your request, Please wait....I guess only time will tell if this is the right decision.
Processing your request, Please wait....I cannot take this anymore. I know my life isn’t as bad as some peoples but I’m just really struggling.
Firstly, I hate school. I’m really struggling at keeping up and my grades are usually quite good but I’m not going to be able to keep that up much longer. I dislike every subject I do, and the subjects I loved, my teachers are crap. I also can’t stand the people, there’s always those ones that talk all through class and it’s stopping me from learning. Everything at school is making me tired and I can hardly hold myself together anymore.
Other than school I do three other sports and draw which take up every day after school and sometimes before school, two of which I am not liking at the moment and one of them especially is affecting me mentally, considering I’m in such a high level of it. These making me feel depressed and I just don’t want to do it.
altogether I just feel really lonely, I don’t really talk to my family much because if I’m being honest, I can’t stand them, they say some really mean things about people, they gossip, argue so much about pointless things and my parents look down on me and I hate it. I do have friends but, three main ones who I hang out with at school but I feel we are only friends because at school people hang out with other people so there not loners (I didn’t explain that very well).
I go to a all girls school and I don’t like being around all the girls all the time, I don’t think my parents would let me change and it would be so difficult now. I don’t know what to do, I’m struggling and I just feel so depressed, hopeless, stupid and like I’m failing at life.
Processing your request, Please wait....I haven’t cried in years, I’ve lost count it’s been so many, it’s not that I don’t want to cry but whenever I’m in a situation where I would cry I just can’t. I got a cold recently though and it’s causing a slight irritation in my eye and I found out that under the right conditions, bright light bulbs and a breeze, it will make my eyes water. Obviously I’m not actually crying but the feeling of tears rolling down my face makes me feel good. Like somehow a weight has been lifted. The same kind of feeling you get after you finish crying. Just felt like sharing, I don’t know
Processing your request, Please wait....Well I’ve had a migraine all day. Boohoo me right?
Here have something I just completed. I’m going to go pass the hell out.
This is the view from the sofa I camp out at most days. Little slice of HDS life.
Love Yourself
Be kind.
HDS
Processing your request, Please wait....I just got out of an abusive relationship. I will not say in what profession, because I don’t want to give out too much information, but it was in a profession of pressure, where you’re expected to be hazed and belittled. This relationship was not a boyfriend or a husband, it was mentor-to-apprentice. Most of the time, when you hear of abusive relationships, it is a significant other, and I just want to say that, sometimes, it’s a boss or a friend.
This man had incredible talents, and I had the opportunity to become highly skilled in my craft from learning under this man. He was the best I had ever seen, and didn’t want to have anything more than be a teacher. But teachers do not tell their students they’re worthless. They don’t tell them they are stupid or useless, and he even attacked my appearance. He also wanted to throw in my face that he hesitated to have me due to my previous workplace, and the bad rep they got. I still worked hard, and tried to prove my worthiness, but it was all for naught.
With abuse, you don’t realise what is happening until it’s too late. You don’t know that you’re being hurt mentally until you can’t even do simple tasks around your abuser without fear of being screamed at. Every day, it was like walking on eggshells. I couldn’t sweep the floor without being afraid he’ll tell me I can’t so anything right.
Your brain shows you pain to tell you something is wrong, but for 4 months I toughed it out. In just those 4 months, my confidence was damaged to the point that I couldn’t do my craft. It was to the point where I questioned everything. My brain told me “you’re hurting, you need to leave” and I don’t know if it was my stubbornness to prove him wrong or I felt I wasn’t good without him. I regret not walking out of that place the first time we met, but he was just so talented in the craft that people handed down for generations. I couldn’t miss on this opportunity. I figured he wouldn’t get worse.
It did though. It got so bad, I would come home and question my life. I am not a weak girl, and I have been through abuse before; my paranoid schizophrenic drunk of a step father beat my mom for years until we decided enough was enough and got him out. Emotional abuse is so hard to pinpoint though because, what if I’m just a *****? What if I’m overreacting? That’s gaslighting. And I know that it was emotional abuse, because one of my co-workers, I could already see him start on her before I packed my shit and left. I think he could see it in my eyes that I was over him breaking my spirit. I was done being treated like a dog. I had reached my breaking point when he began to put down my appearance and try to make me seem “too scrawny”, and how I would look better if I didn’t have dreads or if I had an ass. I didn’t really care about that, I’ve learned to let that roll off my shoulders, but still, the fact of the matter is that he tried to bring me down even further.
Well, before I drink this Tequila and make a toast to me leaving an abusive relationship, I will say this:
If you find yourself in the same situation, abuse is abuse, no matter spouse or boss. You need to leave. It’s hard, I cried when I left because I thought that I wasn’t doing the right thing, but when I walked into my new workplace, I found my family, and they welcomed me with open arms and I went right to work. When you leave, you will cry and you will feel bad about it, you will feel like you’re hurting them, but they don’t feel a thing. They might ask for you back, but you need to not do it. Being there 4 months damaged me enough, I couldn’t imagine going another month, my dears. You are doing the right thing. I promise.
Processing your request, Please wait....So I had a relapse last night. Ive struggled with heroin addiction for about ten or twelve years.
So I scored last night and the dealer accidentally gave me double what I asked for. His fuck up right…. good for me right…..
No. Not good for me. I had this messed up reaction. Ive od’ed a few times and just passed out. But this time I stayed awake. It felt like my heart was stopping. My breathing was getting shallower and shallower. Vision blurred and body was trembling all over. This is it I thought. Im going. Next comes eternal darkness. I was terrified. I realised I dont wanna go out yet. I got shit to do still. And I waited. For what felt like an hour I was frozen, scared. And then it started to subside. And I was happy. Glad I didnt die. Anyway long story short, I woke up today with a quiet sense of happiness. Some peace.
I hope it lasts.
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