Hello, I am a 18 years old girl. I have no idea why I am sharing my life story here. All I know is that I want to tell somebody about this but I can’t say this to the people I know. So please don’t mind my probably too long-winded post.
I say I can’t speak but I do have a voice. It’s just that I can’t speak loud enough for people to hear me. I have no idea why but I get really nervous and tense with people I’m  not that close with -even with my classmates. My heart beats really fast, I couldn’t breath properly,  and I feel like there’s a lump in my throat. When that happens, my voice never came out as loud as I thought it would. Speaking to one person is still okay but I still panic a little and stumble on my words. Worse, sometime my mind just goes blank and I can’t start or continue a conversation. It usually gets awkward.
A lot of people tell me to speak louder but it really is “easier said than done”. This is why I feel like a failure in life because life is all about communicating with others, be it career or just making friends. It makes me think that there’s no hope in the future.  Excluding my family, currently I can only count 3 friends who I am comfortable with. I don’t think there’s anyone who know about this pessimistic side of me but I think my aunt and uncle might  have a little suspicion about it when my aunt found me outside the house standing by the railing and staring several stories down. I did had considered jumping off at that time but I never had the guts to do it… I’m afraid of pain… but it probably is the price to pay for running away from life. Usually I forget about these emotional feelings the next day but the thoughts and feelings keeps coming back. Countless of times had I wish to just disappear, loses all my memories or get into an terrible accident so that I don’t have the choice of running away from the pain.
8 comments
sounds to me like you have some kind of condition that is causing you to not be able to speak loudly. You could have a vocal cord issue or it could be a nervous system condition and it could be helped by seeing a doctor. if you can do some research on the web and call a few doctors and ask them some questions and find out what can or cant be done
I think it’s unlikely though.. I’m fine with my family and a few close friends who I am comfortable with.
Social anxiety. It usually affects your ability to communicate ideas even to the point of poor articulation. What do you believe is you underlining issue regarding when talking to large audiences or strangers.
Do you suffer from social insecurities or self esteem/confidence issues. Sorry if my questions are abit abrupt and appear too personal. I only wish to help.
I had always wondered if there’s a word for this kind of problem of mine, so it’s social anxiety..
I’m not sure what is social insecurities but there are people who told me that I have a low self esteem.
Social anxiety. I agree. Vocal issue? No. My advice is to talk to someone you are close to about how you feel. And it takes guts to even come on here and tell your thoughts. Thats a step.
Yeah I know it’s definitely not a vocal issue.
I been thinking about that.. I have a cousin who I trust like a real sister but somehow the things I tell her always ends up reaching my mother and I don’t feel comfortable about my mother knowing about this.
Yeah, social anxiety like Koji said.
Doesn’t necessarily mean you have an actual disorder like some other issues, it could just be very extreme low self esteem or self-shame. There’s a lack of confidence and you feel like you don’t deserve to be as loud as everyone else is. Not comfortable in your own skin.
Could have been triggered by things in childhood. I know I grew up in a home where I was never heard and my opinion never mattered, plus being bullied growing up, no real mystery that I turned out really quiet and scared to talk to people.
Not sure how to fix it. Lame advice but you can just try to face your fears. Slowly talk to people who are further and further out of your comfort zone.
I used to be so bad that I hated going through drivethru’s to order food etc. Worried that I was going to say something stupid or make a mistake. Imagine how low my self esteem was considering most people think people who have to work at fast food places are the ones who should be embarrassed. (I don’t think that, just saying fast food jobs are always made fun of). Yet even in a situation like that I felt like I was the one with something to be ashamed of.
I still hate myself, still don’t talk unless I’ve have to, but I’ve gotten a little better at it. Just happened from growing up and moving out, realizing I’d have to talk to people when I go out at stores etc.
There are people who told me that I have a low self esteem.
That is terrible… I don’t think I have a really bad life… There is not a single person I met who I think is a bad person. I had been the way I am now for as long as I can remember and I’m not sure what may have cause me to be this way. Though, There is one mistake I remember I had made during my childhood which I wonder if that’s when I started to act this way. It was a mistake which people would normally considered small so I’m not sure.
I think I will always be trying to fight this fear for as long as I live but if there’s a opportunity to die, I don’t think I would mind.
I think I know that feeling.. but I think I’m more worried about the other person not being able to hear me. It feels a little scary when some people go “hah?!” when they can’t hear me and sometime it felt awkward when I try to say something but the other person can’t hear me and I end up getting ignored. There was a time in a small group project, I tried to contribute an idea and right after I said it, the guy beside me said the same thing going “oh we could…”, I thought he had heard me at first but he didn’t and I end up being told that I didn’t contribute anything..
Thank you for sharing your story. It’s good to hear that you are getting better at it. I will keep trying to overcome this fear too.