I guess, since this is my first post on here, I should tell you all my story.
at age 9 I was oblivious. I was overweight, friendless, but still happy.
at age 10 I started to worry. I was fat as hell, still friendless, but just slightly less than happy.
at age 11 I knew I was a goner. still fat and friendless and I didn’t know what to do about it. I wasn’t happy anymore.
at age 12 I had my first ED thought. I had one friend, and she was my goal. 80 pounds and beautiful. I thought that maybe, just maybe, by losing weight my everlasting friendlessness would soon be over. I didn’t understand the ways of the world at all and I insisted to myself that I was going to be a beam of irresistible light – I was wrong. Â I was sad.
at age 13 I cut for the first time. I released my feelings in a blissful wave of ignorance and sadness. the human was as fragile as a butterflies wings but no one had acknowledged it yet. i was losing weight. I was breaking.
at age 14 I was diagnosed with anorexia, depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder. I was given a colorful mixture of medication and false-hope while thoughts swirled of using them for a greater good. i have lost weight. hunger pains are an addiction. I am broken.
my entire life has led me to believe that humans are incapable of being any more than an aggressive herd of steroid using animals with feelings as prey, and I don’t know if I can take anymore. jokes about cutting, ana, suicide- all the time everywhere. I have to constantly watch for others backs not to get slashed in a war of lost fights and bloody battles. I cannot take anymore and I’m really ready to die.
3 comments
I googled what to do when your feeling suicidal and it brought me here, I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety and MDD(Major Depressive Disorder). I’m here to say that the I feel you. For me all whom I’ve loved or cared about care nothing for me. I hate myself and the world. I hope this doesn’t hurt you in anyway. But I honestly don’t know what to do. I’ve tried for so long to fight depression and now, I don’t know what to do when the darkness presses in on me. I’m not sure how much hope I have left and how much of a will to fight anymore. I guess I’m just leaving this post to say that I don’t know how to fix our problems, but what I do know is were not the only people fighting depression. One quote that has helped me at least is “Depression is not a sign of weakness, but a sign that you have been strong for too long”
Well done, you just explained modern society in one entire post.
Welcome along to SP. I wish I could give you a complimentary swag-bag of suicidal literature and instant coffee, but sadly I cannot. Thanks for sharing your story here, and I can relate fully to what you’ve said. I think one of the worst times in my life was at age 11 – I was this chubby little guy who lacked any confidence whatsoever. So, of course I struggled with my weight. Eventually I lost it all and become noticeably slim, to the point where I was diagnosed with an ED.
It’s been nine years since then, and I’m still somewhat bulimic thanks to past memories haunting me, but I have a new found appreciation in my body and do my best to treat it as the shrine that it is. This is where my mind comes in, for without my physical form being a slave to my mental/spiritual self – I’ll never get anywhere.
Not everyone in this world is as narcissistic and negative as those folks you’ve had the displeasure of meeting, you just need to expand your horizons a bit and keep an open mind to any/all possibilities. You’ve fought so well this far – who says you can’t go all the way?
Look after yourself out there, and do take care. 🙂
It feels like you’re focused on one aspect of society. Find another source of news or go out to a park or something. At the very least, you won’t be losing your faith in humanity every scroll of the mouse.