Now at 23, this summer will mark a full decade of long standing depression, at least from the clinical diagnosis. I can’t remember my emotions any younger than that, since my upbringing was filled with abuse and solitude. I find myself wondering, is this it? Year after year I find myself surprised at how time passes and the fact that I’ve managed to unhappily  live through another year. And it scares me. Will I just be floating on through life like this until I’m forty, fifty, sixty?
Though I’ve only been in treatment (meds, psychologists, hospitals) Â for five years, I don’t know what more I can do. I’ve tried college at a prestigious university, I’ve given back to the community through service (one of the only things I’m “passionate”about), I’m independent and live on my own, I’ve found good friends, and I’ve opened my heart to another person to find a glimpse of what love could be. In spite of all this, I have no motivation to continue. Sure, I’ll try new things and go to places but nothing actually seems WORTH it. The thrill or excitement is only momentary and then life goes back to being dull and bleak.
I know that if I really wanted to, I could make something of myself. I could go back to school, find a more tolerable and stimulating job. I could work out and feel more confident about body to find an actual connection with someone as opposed to just sex. I could travel the world, probably, and experience culture. But none of that sounds appealing as I simply don’t have that willpower to thrive and succeed.
My lease ends this September and I’m thinking this may be my last chance before I finally decide to go through with killing myself. Â I’m most likely going to try helium, but if that fails I may just get my gun license and call it a day. I know this will hurt so many people and of course it makes me feel guilty, but wouldn’t they want me to stop suffering? If they truly loved me, they would understand and want me to be at peace in my heart.
Maybe I should go back into the hospital. Â except when I get out I’m sure I’ll be the same.
Medications won’t help, ect didn’t help, therapy won’t help, maybe the cure is within myself but I just don’t care enough to look for it. Shouldn’t I be entitled to my own opinion? Â one more day, then another, then another.. that’s life.
2 comments
I’ll be honest, I feel the same. After each year or each “milestone,” all I can think is “Wow, was that what all the hype was about?” High school was a let down, just like college, post-college jobs, relationships (both platonic and otherwise), you get the idea. These things are supposed to fill me with happiness and motivation, but what I really feel is bored. Sorry, I don’t have any magic answers or advice. Just whatever comfort there can be in solidarity.
Hi serenity,
I’m sorry to read how your life was when you were younger, and about how you feel now. This site seems to have a lot of good, intelligent people who, unfortunately, don’t want to go on with life. Including me.
Some of us have been stuck with brains that don’t quite work in our modern world. It’s not our fault, and it’s not the world’s fault, but that doesn’t make most of us feel any better.
In my case, it isn’t depression. It’s world-weariness, just being tired of nothing working out for me. Could I be happy? Yes, but like you what I lack at this point is willpower to thrive.
One thing though: when I was 23 (16 years ago) I thought I could do anything and maybe I could have. My choices have led me to where I am now, and you’re young enough to (maybe) still have good choices to make. I’m not sure what I could have done differently, because at the time, my choices sounded reasonable (though maybe risky).
Obviously, it’s your choice, but think hard about options first. You probably have already, though…..
But I wish you all the luck in the world anyway!