Everything is piling up on me, and it seems like when I get one issue sorted out, there are 5 new ones added to the queue. I quit both of my jobs earlier this year with the intent to move to Boston, but I got mono (for the THIRD time…how is that even possible???) and I ended up having to scratch any semblance of moving plans. I just got my old job at a cafe back, and though the majority of the staff missed me, it seems like everything is harder for me. Not physically. Something is itching at the back of my brain. There’s something about this life, this me, that reeks of stagnation and resignation.
I often wonder, “Am I trying to rid myself of something I can’t escape? Maybe there’s something fundamentally wrong with me.” Whether it’s moving plans or suicide, I am trying to run away. But from what? And why does it seem like Death is the only thing that fits?
And why can’t I ever make a decision? Am I terrified of permanence?
2 comments
Your writing captured my attention, perhaps you might consider writing. People connect to words, maybe you could help others to feel understood even if you don’t quite understand yourself as of yet.
I did this thing called free association writing, where I would just spill out everything inside of me onto a piece of paper, it didn’t have to make sense or sound good. It was just all of the shit trapped inside of me. I had to be careful not to judge myself at first because it was kind of messed up, but after a while I began to understand myself and where all of my feelings were coming from.
Good luck to you.
I have always been very stuck too. I still am. But dreaming of change is central to the human condition. Baudelaire said, ‘Life is a hospital in which every patient is obsessed with changing beds.’
So you’re not alone in how you feel. (The old saying, ‘The grass is always greener on the other side’ conveys the same sentiment.)
Hopefully the mono will just delay your plans, if you really feel like moving. Boston is a cool city,, so don’t give up on your desire for change or think there is anything wrong with it/
We may not always understand why we feel what we do, just so long as we’re clear we feel a certain desire,, like moving to Boston, then go for it. Of course, we cannot run from ourselves and it is usually best not to expect too much from anything or anyone outside of our selves. (or from ourselves, for that matter). But that doesn’t mean our environment doesn’t make any difference, or a change of scenery and the new possibilities that moving to a place like Boston may open up cannot make a positive difference in your life. It can.