Well, I will start in history, when I was 12. I was at father’s place, it was my home, but I started to have some creepy nightmare. Everything was so dark and in the end there was a demon, that was something like Satan and God in one. It dreamed that every night for 7 months. And after that I started noticing some problems my father have with my mother. And only one question changed everything. He was totally angry and he shouted at me “Go fucking kill yourself”. It was so painful.
That night I dreamed that same nightmare and when I woke up I started crying and went to kitchen. I grabbed some creepy knife and with shaking hands I started cutting myself. It was really bad, I woke up in a hospital next morning and my wrists were in some bandages. My mother was there, but I saw no father. I think, that my mommy kicked him out of that hospital room.
Then I was at my fathers place next year, but everything was so dark and I was psychically drowning. I started having worse nightmares and my cutting continued. But it was worse and worse. And my second try for committing suicide was in my room at my father’s place. I started listening to hard music ’cause of those words they were and are singing and ’cause everyone told me, that I can’t listen to the same music that they’re listening to.
So when I went to school with that bandages on, everyone looked at it and started to laugh. I was feeling like I did something wrong as fuck. I didn’t want to live at that moment, everything was so hurtful and everyone started to bully me. I wasn’t feeling good, I wanted to die.
And now I can’t stop, maybe I’m two days clean, but that is for only one reason. I forgot buy my razors. Help me…
2 comments
I used to cut when I was a little younger as a way to punish myself for the suicide of my teacher. It is definitely a hard path to get off of. You will think you’re clean for a week, maybe even a month, and you will relapse and start all over again. It is very challenging, but there are ways to stop.
One of the best things you can do is stop buying razors. If you don’t have any right how, that’s great. Don’t go buy more. You know you want to stop. Make it easier for yourself and don’t buy anymore. If you have razors, toss them up somewhere that they are difficult to get to. My boyfriend told me to do that with my knife, and that was one of the reasons I stopped. I was too defeated to try to get to my knife. It was too much work and wasn’t worth my time doing so.
It is hard to stop cutting. I won’t lie to you. However, it can be done. Reach out to people. If you’re thinking about cutting, give a quick shout-out to someone you trust and see if they can take your mind of things, even just for a couple minutes. It helps. I promise. You can email me at Wilkerson427 at live dot com if you’d like to. I’m always here for you. I’ve been clean over a year and have no intentions of going back.
I cut ad well, and am battling to quit, it’s hard but as he said, put them somewhere hard to get to and don’t get any more, I have hope for you, and they had no right to laugh at you