Hi all,
this is a guy who is alive only because he’s not got the courage to commit suicide so far.
You may say I’m a weak person only to have such a thought in my head, but I’m sure even if I tell you the story you’ll not understand it, but know it.
I’m 19 now, freshman in college. I have let go of my studies for months now though I used to be one of the bests back in school.
I have always been lonely in my life, even during the short periods that others thought I was not anymore, I felt that loneliness inside me. I have never been able to make real friends, or communicate with others like all people in my age do. I have past pains in details of which I cannot go right now. My family in not poor and not rich either, just a normal family in one corner of the city, unlike all the people around me who can afford a way better life than me. I am always an unimportant part of the group, in the rare times I hang out with them.
I have always wanted to get a girlfriend in my life but I’m not very good-looking, and I’m quite short for my age, this only explains why I have never managed to get one, let alone the incapability of having a normal conversation. But at the same time I masturbate 2-5 times a day, and end up listening to depressive music or thinking of all the misery surrounding me and all the poor people like me in the whole world!
Besides all this I have serious existential problems and this also gets me more stuck in this mud.
All these together make me stay in house for days or sometimes weeks, doing nothing but a meaningless staring at a thing in my room, or finding futile ways to spend the waking hours until the night comes and feeling suicidal every once in a while, followed by the depression of the fact that I’m never going to have the guts to end all this.
I’m not sure why I have written all of this here, maybe it’s one of the “meaningless things” I do to spend my day…
11 comments
Sometimes there just isn’t enough to live for. We all die anyway, there is no God, and life is meaningless.
Nothing matters. You will lose everything you ever loved, then you shrivel up like a prune as you watch your body fall apart. If you live a long, natural life, you still will die (you have no way of knowing how as it creeps up on you or comes suddenly). We all die; this life is menial and pointless.
Life is pain and constant disappointment. We don’t choose to come into this world but we can take a stand and say it’s not good enough and leave it. We have that choice.
That said our options still are not so good. I can stay on this miserable earth in constant emotional tormet or I can choose to not exist.
Suicide is the ultimate triumph over ego. I’m not there yet. I just want a better life. My desires torment me and if I don’t give into them, I fall into despair. So I make stupid decisions and the cycle begins a new. I wish I didn’t want the things I want. I have a drinking problem I cannot control. I have tried for twenty years to get it under control only to spiral out of control again.
Even when I stop drinking it really doesn’t make that much difference, I still want to kill myself much of the time.
I am a failure and too much of a cowardly, egotistical prick to go ahead with suicide. So I lie here suffering staring at the wall.
In need of help,
Sorry I thought I was posting to the main wall.
You just spoke my words anyway.
That’s part of what I called “existential problems,” the meaninglessness of the whole universe.
You arent weak, youre strong because you havent given in to temptation. You just havent found your purpose yet, youll get there eventually but you cant rush it. Everything may seem wrong right now but if you are patient enough things will start getting better. Hang in there.
It’s not that easy, I will not get the courage to end this for sure, at least for now. But things getting better? I don’t think so.
“Some are born to sweet delight
Some are born to endless night”
I surely belong to the second group.
It will happen, even the darkest of peoples minds tend to find happiness
Remember one thing you have a body, mind, soul and the oversoul which is GOD itself. A few months ago I lost my mind and oversoul and i only have my gross body and the soul, which is of no use, because i panicked a lot to the point of no return. My heart started to crumble and i even couldn’t breathe properly at that time. My chakras which is literally the oversoul is no more. I am in a same situation as you spending time with my tab to spend my waking hours feeling suicidal all the time. Can you help me?
The first thing we all need to consider is stop waiting for help to come from elsewhere, whether a supernatural being or people. The true enlightenment lies within us, if there is one.
This done properly, we can seek the happiness or create it in case we cannot find it.
Youre not alone in this, i understand alot of what youre going through. I am too. if youd like anyone to talk to, i can give you my email?
What did you go through?
Yeah, I think it’s a great idea, just give me your email and we’ll keep in touch my friend.