Jumbled thoughts about my life in general.

I don’t exactly feel a whole lot anymore. About anything really. I don’t feel anything for myself one bit. I feel quite a bit for others who have pain but I always treat myself like shit. I know I shouldn’t but I’ve been doing it for so long that it’s just kind of natural for me to do it. I don’t even realize I’m doing it most of the time until others tell me to stop being negative or that I shouldn’t say such things. Eventually they make reasons for not being able to get together and then they stop calling all together. Leaving you alone. Leaving you to your own devices. I think about death everyday. Should I hang, should I step in front of a bus. The most terrifying way that I thought of offing myself was drowning myself with something heavy. But I’m terrified of the open water. Wasn’t ever able to swim. Was told when I was younger that as soon as I got in the water that it was my job to “sink or swim”. I’ve never been able to cut myself. I’m too much of a coward to do something like that. I can’t burn myself either because of the same reason. But the thing is sometimes I don’t feel this way at all. I feel down for a whole week then suddenly for a day or two I’m upbeat and positive, the way I used to be back when I was 15. I just turned 22 about three weeks ago. It comes and goes. I’ve only had a feeble attempt of suicide. When I was off at college for the only year I was there I tried to hang myself in my closet. Cable tore. If my heart was truly in it, I would’ve tested it. I lay on my bedroom floor staring around thinking, *uck. Lol. Then I heard the front door and my room mate stumbling around downstairs drunk calling my name. I thought in my head oh *hit. Threw the cable in the closet, got myself in order and opened my door. Don’t remember what happened after that. It was two years ago. Last year was definitely the worst. Two of my very good friends disappeared from my life for a while. The only reason I say a while is because I’m still hoping to get back in touch with one of them. The other and I get together twice a month now because of work schedules and whatnot. But a few years previous when I was 17, I told them I was bi-curious and I admit, most of my friends either chose not to accept or just ditched me. At that point the only thought that went through my mind was, “oh good. less people to attend my funeral.” Because naturally my only concern is for the people that I may hurt from taking my own life. If I didn’t have a family and some friends, I would’ve offed myself long ago. I find all this quite amusing considering I go online and talk to other people of all ages about why they are special and/or ways they can think positively. I’ve been doing that for about two years now. It’s funny because no matter how hard I try, I can’t take my own advice. The only problem with me doing this is eventually you meet someone who tries to help you back, and then later down the road you find out they were a fake person. A person who preys on the week. Pretends to help someone and then destroys them. And they go from having picked up most of the pieces of the heart, the mind and the soul. Only to have it shatter and have you drift back to the shadows not trusting anyone. My other good friend who I haven’t seen in a long time now, I originally thought that he was like the others and couldn’t accept the truth of my sexuality. But I found out three months ago that he was undergoing some of the same things as myself but to a higher degree of pain. Although I’m not really in pain. But at least pain would be a feeling, instead of feeling empty inside. And I must admit, after doing a little bit of soul searching I think I am not bi-curious, but straight-curious. I haven’t had sex before. I don’t crave it at all. It’s another thing I don’t care or feel anything for. I haven’t really fallen in love before. I thought I was in love when I was 14 with a girl I later attended high school with but I just met a girl this past weekend and I can’t get her out of my head. My thoughts for the better part of this week were about her. This week at work time has flown by because I’m hoping to see her again this weekend at the Sound of Music. My friends said it was the happiest they’ve seen me since high school. Which was four and a half years ago. It’d be nice to get out of this slump I’ve been in for a long time but I’ve become so lifeless. I don’t really live in reality anymore. The days I look forward to are at night so I can sleep and escape into my dreams. Although I can’t control where I end up or how I feel, it’s better than where I am now and how I feel. “Cause I can’t call a doctor and just tell them where it hurts. I lay the choice to live or die and don’t know which is worse. Struggling through darkness looking for a shred of light. Wrestling my demons til they reach the other side.” -B.C