I don’t know where to go from here. I’ve been a loyal and loving wife and mother for  6 years and I just feel like he’s ruined everything. I’m quite aware that I’m hard to live with and my rage is worse than a hurricane. I hate almost everyone and it takes a special kind of person to love me and apparently he thought that it would be easier to trade me in for a younger model. The problem there is that he’s figured out the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. I thought that I had buried this rage and hate months ago when we decided to work things out, but it’s  coming up like vomit. As I lay here watching him sleep I think about holding a pillow over his face, but I think it would be easier just to rid the world of my wrath. He says that I’m a “beautiful disaster” because everything I touch lies in ruins. I fear that what’s brewing inside my soul is more than I can handle. I traveled 400 miles to be alone and he’s followed me and almost made me believe that his love is real, but now I’m unsure if I still love him. He has shattered what was left of my fragile heart. No more love to purchase, I just wasn’t to be alone in a numb state
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I read some contradictions in your posting. You are a loving wife with a rage worse than a hurricane? That could be a difficult love to share. Have you ever seen a therapist to discover the source or cause of your rage? That might be a good idea, to separate his betrayal from other sources of anger. Please keep homicide as a guilty fantasy. I’d hate for you to spend your life in prison away from your children and with a huge pile of regret and guilt.
Of course I have rage under the circumstances. Would you not?? I’m fine as long as no one crosses me. Yes, I have seen several therapists over the years and none of them can tell me anything about myself that I don’t already know. They seem useless, which is why I would like to become a therapist myself. Maybe I could actually help people instead of asking people ” how does that make you feel? “. Also, I would never smother him, just a thought. Also, I didn’t ask for judgement or advice. Just needed to speak my mind. Thank you and good day!
I’ll never understand people who come to a public forum online and then say they weren’t looking for advice or opinions. You could have just written this on a piece of paper then, if you’re going to have that snarky attitude towards anyone who replies. I should just walk away since you claim you aren’t looking for opinions, but I’ll state the one thing that seems glaringly obvious. This relationship of yours is over. Neither of you needs to die, you just need to accept that you are the type of person for whom which once trust is betrayed, it doesn’t come back. It was already “months ago” that you agreed to try to work this out, yet seeing this person sleeping next you to still makes you feel anger. You subconscious mind is pissed that this person is in your life, and wants you to get away.
Either that, or this is the type of thing that at least requires the both of you to be attending counseling, to try to get through it. Seeing him agree to something like that would help soothe the feelings that he can’t be trusted by proving that he really accepts “working things out” means doing some type of work to fix the damage he did. When “working things out” simply means “take me back and try to act like nothing ever happened”, there’s a reason you aren’t feeling better months down the line.