I don’t think I’ll ever know when to walk away from life, it’ll be more of a spur of the moment, angry and impulsive act. I am worth less than nothing. You know the kind of person you’d accuse your friend of being to offend them (“you’re a fucking idiot / ugly bastard / freak / no dick / boring / loser”). I’m every single one of those things and it’s not just self-loathing, it’s the truth. I am literally retarded and everything else that’s bad. I’m a walking joke. The incredible thing is that despite knowing this and the amount of pain I’ve been through I keep plodding along, pretending that something different will happen. I think anyone with half a brain would realise the extent of my problems and uselessness and leave the world to the living. But I run and I hide and if I keep doing it I’m going to die without a shred of dignity or respect from others. I want it to be over and I know my family will get over it, they’ve known my problems all my life and i’m not the kind of person who’d be greatly missed by anyone. I’m not a real person. I’ve never belonged. And even when people ask me basic things I can’t communicate back because I am helplessly intellectually disabled (don’t let my writing fool you). As selfish as it is, the one thing that stops me is the fear of jumping and the pain of impact. Paper cuts hurt me, I can’t getting a tooth removed, yet I’ve somehow have to find the courage within me to jump from a 150ft onto concrete all the while knowing I could survive yet break every bone in my body… The saddest thing is that nobody on this planet has ever truly related or understood me. I am an anomaly and it breaks my heart. I’m on here for the same reason as everyone else, in the futile hope that someone will reply with the magical answer, something that will fix this mess. But this life is hopeless and I’m going to do it.
(Just not today)