So I got sectioned/committed into a mental hospital and they wouldn’t let me go for 5 whole months. I patiently rode it out and gladly got back home. I thought things would get better at this point but I’m having fights with my girlfriend over stupid little things and i’m continually thinking about death every second. I was looking forward to the new wow expansion coming out to focus on that and numb the pain but my girlfriend has an issue with it saying im selfish and dont want to spend time with her. I want to be dead and i’m envious of all the people who are now at peace. It feels like I’ll never find peace
I know you won’t believe me, but you feel suicidal because you have too much, not because you have too little. Believe me, once you get diagnosed with a terminal condition and suffering becomes a very real prospect, you will want to live and be healthy again more than you could imagine. I’m not saying it’s wrong to feel the way you do, you are not responsible for your genetics or circumstances you were born into. But please do not throw your life away unaware of the value of life.
So it’s been 2-3 years since I started posting on this forum and I’m beginning to piece together things from the past. When I left the call centre 2-3 years ago I received a lot of government funding and was living comfortably and happy, much to the dismay of others who were having to go to work. I was labelled a thief and looking back on it now many people were conspiring to bring about my death. I have Borderline Personality Disorder and Social Phobia and I took out my frustration and hatred online and to those around me. It’s becoming apparent to me that all of my internet activity was being monitored or reviewed, how people started turning against me in response to the comments I was making online etc. Back then I viewed a lot of BestGore, Twisted Porn, Schoolgirls etc and im remembering how people started responding to those things and the only way they could’ve done so was if my activity was being monitored. For instance, when I checked images of UK schoolgirls my landlord stopped inviting his granddaughter to visit as if I was a fully fledged pedophile. Also in my anger, I wrote a message to cancer research and I said “I wish someone would give me cancer”. Not so long later I ordered a drug from the darknet from a British supplier and 2-3 days later someone delivered it unstamped, but it wasn’t heroin it was some other chemical. When I smoked it, my lungs tightened up and I could not breathe, and as my aunt rushed me to the hospital my consciousness was fading and I shouting for help because I knew I was dying. From that moment and thereafter I’ve been becoming more and more sick and the doctors only do an ECG/bloods and send me back home. I believe it could’ve been the UK government or the security services (since they were monitoring everything up to this time) that were trying to kill me off. Looking back on it I know it’s very possible, because even when I went across the water to England etc there were people saying “there he is” and pointing me out when I had never been there before or met them in my life. I know nobody will believe me on this but all of what I’ve said is true and I’ll never be able to prove it, since the hospital doesn’t carry out proper tests and any sort of theory involving government murder in the UK/USA is automatically a conspiracy, but this was a proper hit on my life I don’t know whether the average joe would’ve been able to do it. It took me from being able to climb mountains and run marathons, to barely being able to make it up the stairs. Outside I herd a woman say once “it’s a disgrace, there will be a cover up” which makes me wonder whether she meant the local criminals or government.
So it’s been 2-3 years since I started posting on this forum and I’m beginning to piece together things from the past. When I left the call centre 2-3 years ago I received a lot of government funding and was living comfortably and happy, much to the dismay of others who were having to go to work. I was labelled a thief and looking back on it now many people were conspiring to bring about my death. I have Borderline Personality Disorder and Social Phobia and I took out my frustration and hatred online and to those around me. It’s becoming apparent to me that all of my internet activity was being monitored or reviewed, how people started turning against me in response to the comments I was making online etc. Back then I viewed a lot of BestGore, Twisted Porn, Schoolgirls etc and im remembering how people started responding to those things and the only way they could’ve done so was if my activity was being monitored. For instance, when I checked images of UK schoolgirls my landlord stopped inviting his granddaughter to visit as if I was a fully fledged pedophile. Also in my anger, I wrote a message to cancer research and I said “I wish someone would give me cancer”. Not so long later I ordered a drug from the darknet from a British supplier and 2-3 days later someone delivered it unstamped, but it wasn’t heroin it was some other chemical. When I smoked it, my lungs tightened up and I could not breathe, and as my aunt rushed me to the hospital my consciousness was fading and I shouting for help because I knew I was dying. From that moment and thereafter I’ve been becoming more and more sick and the doctors only do an ECG/bloods and send me back home. I believe it could’ve been the UK government or the security services (since they were monitoring everything up to this time) that were trying to kill me off. Looking back on it I know it’s very possible, because even when I went across the water to England etc there were people saying “there he is” and pointing me out when I had never been there before or met them in my life. I don’t know whether they labelled me as a terrorist because I had ordered a lot of things that were dangerous… a baseball bat, chloroform, a safe, a knife, and then I had ordered this class A drug (heroin) while I was in this accommodation provided by the ex-policeman. Did they consider heroin as a threat to others lives? Or were they corrupt in killing me off just to save money? I know nobody will believe me on this but all of what I’ve said is true and I’ll never be able to prove it, since the hospital doesn’t carry out proper tests and any sort of theory involving government murder in the UK/USA is automatically a conspiracy, but this was a professional hit on my life that took me from being able to climb mountains and run marathons, to barely being able to make it up the stairs. It’s no secret now that the UK police have the ability to monitor everything you say and do online and probably watch you through your mobile phone. Even if this is true and these people worked together to kill me.. what now? Do I just wait until I die? Should I work at finding out who did this to me? Or is suicide the best and only option I have left?
It’s been three years since I almost died after spending too much time on this website when I was extremely mentally unwell. I had ordered heroin from the darknet in an attempt to reduce my suffering if I gathered the courage to jump from a high rise or into oncoming traffic. The substance arrived in an unstamped envelope and almost killed me. It wasnt heroin and did nothing but cobstrict my lungs and try to shut down my brain, which makes me think it was either the government or local paramilitaries responsible for the attempted murder. I’ve suffered incredibly poor health since then through trouble breathing, chest pain and heart problems, enlarged tongue and coughing that won’t stop. I realise that i was lost and looking for relief, and now that ive seen it i wouldnt wish death on anyone because it offers only pain and loss of opportunity. In a way I deserve whats happened, I remember at the time writing to cancer research and telling them I wish someone would give me cancer… well i guess i got my wish. I could’ve enjoyed a long life but I wasted it like every opportunity. There are times I crave revenge but I think murdering others is one thing I could never do. I think death is my only chance for peace now but even physically and mentally sick i can never give in.
So I spent the first moments of the new year on the phone to Lifeline (a UK service) and the only thing they were interested in was persuading me there’s reason to live or having me committed.
But what if you’re past that point? What if you’re determined to die and just want to talk to someone impartially? I feel it’s disrespectful to completely ignore the suicidal persons issues or pretend they don’t exist just to be a hero(ine).
So I’m still here questioning my suicide method, to sit drunk at the edge of a tower block, take a cocktail of tablets, then inhale a huge amount of chloroform and fall backwards 150ft onto concrete. Would I suffer through this method? If I survived the impact would the chemicals prevent the doctors from saving me?
It’s weird to think this life of failure and misery could be ended tonight, I just hope it’s over quickly and there are no surprises on the other side.
There’s nothing like Christmas to remind me of how little people care anymore. I got no cards or gifts from anyone other than my aunt, whilst everyone else had friends who bought them presents and visited them over the holiday. The friends of my family don’t mention and ignore me completely. For years I’ve suffered with mental illness and the only thing that was keeping me here was my family because I felt they cared and I didn’t want to hurt them with my suicide. Well I don’t have to worry about that anymore, so within the next few days I will make my suicide attempt. My plan is to get drunk, inhale a tonne of chloroform and fall back from a highrise building onto concrete. I have no idea how painful it will be or what I’m heading into as I hit the ground but there is nothing left for me on earth. I’ll leave life to the living.
I delay suicide because I’m afraid of the other side but deep down I know things will never be OK. Everything’s telling that I’ve long past my welcome… I’ve no money or friends and I’m financially dependent upon society and family to stay alive, everyone who’s known me thinks I’m a joke of a person, and i’m too damaged to function in society or ever be good at anything. I am either brain damaged or was born with an intellectual disability and I have no ability or personality to belong on this earth. I fooled myself into thinking I was getting better but I’ll always be this loser. I just watched a video of the girl I’ve loved for years joking about with someone I dislike and it felt like it was cutting deep into my soul, a reminder of everything that I’m not (I should’ve been able to joke about and have something that would make me unique and valued, except she hated me and knew I was a retarded freak). That happens all the time… everyone I’ve ever liked ends up hating me and if I stay I know it’ll be the same with my family. I don’t see the sense in dragging out this useless existence only to disappoint and drain everything around me. I think this is it. I’m ready to go. I’m so afraid of what will happen, the amount of pain i’m going to be in and whether there is a God I must answer to. I don’t want to go to Hell but I think that’s what God would have in store for me. I want to make sure that I die so I will use multiple methods, I’ll drink myself blind then shoot myself in the head and fall from some height. If there is one person on this earth I would give an arm for it would be my aunt who became the best mother I could ask for and it hurts so much to not know whether she’ll manage in hearing about my death but I can’t take it anymore. I hope that my passing will pave the way for new life and she will not break inside and be able to live the rest of her life without constantly having to worry about me and all my mistakes. So many people have been right about me, I’ve not deserved the air I’ve breathed and my life has just inflicted pain and annoyance on others.
I realise things will never get better for me. I’m a an ugly retard with no personality or talent and I have chronic mental health problems (borderline personality disorder, social anxiety). This life is futile, I’m a moron and there is no point to my existence. But how can I end it when there are people who love me and vice-versa? My aunt adopted me after my mum died and she spent years, $1000s, and energy treating me as her own despite my differences and what I put her through. I think it would tear her apart. But what’s the alternative? If I stay here I live in misery, I negatively affect everyone who comes into my life, and I’ll wear down my family until even they give up on me. I know in the grand scheme of things none of us matter, the universe will continue existing for billions of years and my death (and life) will mean nothing. But who knows what comes next… If you’ve experienced this consciousness what’s stopping us from being given another? Religion sounds like BS but maybe there is a Hell. How do people get the courage?
Everyone thinks they know best, exactly what you need and if you disagree it’s your illness. How the fuck do they know? I’ve been “ill” for 10 years and now everyone wants to tell me what I need to do. At the end of the day they can label you anything but you’re the only person who truly knows who you are.
I have discovered that I don’t want to die, I want to live but just can’t bear the reality I’m faced with (having no redeeming qualities and having no place in this world). I didn’t understand what it actually meant to die and that scares the living shit out of me. To think how close I came to jumping from a skyscraper and being sucked into a vacuum to never feel or experience anything ever again… it’s hard to believe it’s what I wanted. It was only in coming to close to death that saved my life. But my life is still shattered and I can’t put the pieces together. I’m still the same person and I just keep sinking lower and lower, it feels like quicksand and I’m afraid it’ll swallow me under again. I can’t break free… I lack the intelligence to get anywhere in life. For months I’ve had these ideas of what I’m going to do to make money like getting into web design, becoming a personal trainer, doing computer repair, getting into hacking, growing weed etc. I seriously must be dreaming! I’m too much of a fucktard to get anywhere in life, it’s a wonder that I can breathe and walk because I can barely talk, seriously I can barely converse with other people and i’m usually limited to things I’ve said a million times before. And all these projects… I start hell for leather for a few days and then forget everything after abandoning it for a few days. In a way, my fuckwittery is my salvation because I don’t understand and forget how retarded I actually am. There are millions of people dying around the world and I of all people have been granted a life of luxury that I can do nothing with, and I can’t even bring myself to end it when I realise it’s over. It’s like an eternal prison and I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t – I’m fucked both dead or alive.
About a month ago I OD’d on heroin and wound up in the hospital. Ever since I’ve been getting what I think are panic attacks, where I feel like I can’t breathe and that I’m about to suffocate. Even in A&E the psychologist didn’t take me seriously but I am seriously messed up… I’ve been waiting 2 months to see a psychiatrist after stating I was suicidal because she cancels the appointments but I can’t sleep for days, I have auditory hallucinations (hear people say things about me when they’re not), extreme paranoia and I’m afraid to leave the house. If that ***** has the audacity to tell me I don’t have a chemical imbalance again and it’s a “personality” disorder she’d better hope she’s still breathing by the time to cops come. I told them which drugs agree with me and instead they gave me ones which made things worse. Willfully negligent motherfuckers…
I don’t know why I continue living this pointless existence. I’m an idiot, nobody gives a shit about me if anything they hate me, and things will never change. I went through all of my previous facebook posts and conversations and I feel like everything I’ve said is just so fucking stupid and judging my the number of likes (1-4 max) everyone else feels the same way. This is the 3rd or 4th time I’ve been seriously suicidal and now I don’t see the point of taking medication to hide my idiocy from myself, I’m never going to have a worthwhile life. It’s only fear and cowardice keeping me here. How can I bring myself to suicide?
I’ve always felt there’s something seriously wrong with me and the gap between me and others has increased and become more obvious over the years. I can’t communicate and I end up being hated by every single person who ever gets to know me, and then they label my insecurity and fear as ‘social anxiety disorder’ as if it’s an unnatural response. When I appear online on facebook people go offline and someone’s just said “god I give up” just because I, liked her post. How can I not commit suicide when I am so brain damaged that I can’t even communicate to kids or remember what I said or thought a second ago. I want to live but nobody wants me here and I don’t belong. My greatest achievement will be facing up to suicide, and nobody will respect me for anything.
Two nights ago I nearly died from an overdose. Before I took the drug I was suicidal but as I was ODing I freaked out and did everything to survive. The entire next day I was so relieved to be alive and felt that this was the turning point I needed. That night I felt myself change back, and all the depression and insecurities slipped back in. Today I find myself wishing that I did die because I am faced with constant reminders that I am useless and will never live a satisfactory life. I’m sitting here thirsty, starving and unable to go to the shops, pharmacy (to pick up meds) or the gym because I will be overwhelmed with anxiety, and everywhere I go people are calling me a moron or shaking their heads at my behaviour. That might sound ridiculous to you, like it’s all in my head, but I swear to God it’s the reality I’m faced with. Everyone knows I’m an idiot and they fucking hate me for it. My head is mashed and it’s not just anxiety/depression. I can’t do anything right… I’ve been thinking web design is a solution to my problems as I can learn at my own pace and make money from home without the fear of being judged but I tried going back to a textbook on HTML I had learned from just 3-4 months ago and I had forgotten ALL of it. It was easier to relearn but I couldn’t recall it. And I can’t think clearly about anything, it’s like there’s a huge block in my brain and it takes several seconds for a thought to come through. For this reason I have no personality. And I’m ugly and have no… so what is there to live for? I whittled down my facebook from 400 friends to 100 (people I thought weren’t thinking badly of me) but everyone I care about goes offline as soon as I come online in fear I’ll talk to them. The people who don’t do this either haven’t talked to me in years or know there’s little chance I’ll talk to them. So basically, everyone I’ve known and care about (except for family) dislikes and avoids me and I can’t leave the house to buy food, get medication, or go to the gym because I’m so afraid of everyone and they all think i’m a retard. I’ve heard people outside my house talking about me being retarded and some people throw their cigarette buds, unfinished chinese meals, and rubbish into the drive at the side of the house. Even people who I think are retarded laugh at me and call me a retard. I’m afraid that one day someone is going to assault me either in public or at my house and I think about leaving but my family are here and the same thing will happen anywhere I go. I can’t believe I’m facing this reality and I don’t think I can shake it, but I’m too much of a coward and never feel ready to die.
I’d never felt more suicidal than I had felt today. I was so determined to put an end to this life within the next couple of weeks. I thought that since I had stooped so low I might as well try heroin, it’s not like I had any further to fall. So I chased the dragon, not intending to kill myself at that point but just for a release. It didn’t feel orgasmic or incredibly intense at the time, just relaxed like I could nod off at any time. So I thought that was that and I went to bed. All of a sudden I found I couldn’t yawn so I got out of bed and still couldn’t. It started getting worse and worse, and I began to feel myself slipping into unconsciousness and possibly death My breathing became more and more shallow and I panicked beyond belief. I jumped into the car half naked with no shoes on and bombed it up to my aunts (30 seconds away). On the way over I found myself clinging for dear life and I thought “why the FUCK did I do this to myself?!” I walked in through A&E passed 30 people all looking at me like I was satan himself and as they sat me down I was shaking like a leaf. It just got worse and I started to lose my vision. I said out loud “oh my fucking God, I’m about to die”. They hooked me up to a machine that basically showed I wasn’t getting any oxygen and I had to use everything within myself to fight off the effects of the drug, which took about an hour of purgatory, not knowing whether I was going to make it. But I chose to survive. I still hate myself, I still hate my life, and everybody hates me and knows I’m a retard, but being alive is better than being dead and actually facing the prospect of death has put it into perspective as to what it really is. We want to die to get relief but death doesn’t provide any. I never thought I’d say that. Everything’s so fucked… i’m fucked if I live and I’m fucked if I die. I’m not saying suicide is wrong but I guess I’m saying death isn’t any less painful than life. I’m more afraid of death. And I’m glad to be alive. For now.
Today was the first day in several months I woke up NOT feeling severely suicidal. I’ve been trying really hard to break through these feelings of worthlessness and find a way to make a life for myself no matter what the cost. But it’s clear to me now that everyone absolutely fucking despises me and I deserve to be in a box underground. The first thing that happens is I log into facebook and my brother’s wife (one of the only people in my life) logs off IMMEDIATELY when she sees i’m online. Second, I ask a customer service person where to find royal mail boxes and she’s like “you’d have to get them from the post office in this shop” *hum hum hum, well done you (me) fucking retard!* When I get home my landlord leaves the gates open because he doesn’t want to talk to me (they live next door and have been avoiding me for months). I go to recycling center to get rid of a spare tyre and the guy shouts at me and tells me they don’t take them. He looks at the tyre and says its nice and I say “well you know i’ve been trying to sell it for a year, you’re welcome to it” and he says “you know I will” and I’m kind enough to tell him the model so he can list it. He goes back to his cronnies and they all laugh at me. I get back home and go to deliver a package at the post office and I say I’ll pass it through to him without realising where to pass it through. I drive through the town, more people ignoring me but at a junction I face someone head on and I already know he hates me. I get anxious and don’t stall but look like a dodgy driver and he shakes his head incessantly and mutters that I’m a fucking idiot and continues to do so as he walks down the street. I take a right and I hear someone shouting “…retard…” Everyone absolutely fucking hates me and I can never change. It’s not my only problem… not only have a mind that’s worse than a child’s but I also have the body of a child (I look about 14 at 25), have virtually no dick (skinny 5″), i’m balding, and I look ugly as sin. I’ve clung to life ever since I was born despite I shouldn’t have been. My mum was a schizophrenic alcoholic, I was attacked and physically abused for 5 years until she died, then I got passed around between foster parents then eventually to my mum’s sister who did love me back then but then I became a difficult child and never grew out of it. I’m asshole a parasite and have damaged innocent lives. The girls I fell in love with never loved me back and so I manipulated them and responded with hate. I’ve tried working but I’m too stupid and every mistake I made was some other poor bastard’s problem to deal with. People I’ve worked with have told me I’m useless, worth absolutely nothing, an idiot, a moron, a loser. I can’t communicate and I’ve tried making friends but they’ve all thought I was a joke or been my friend just for the comedy value of laughing at a moron. But I don’t even do that well because I’m so sensitive to it all, I hate myself and I don’t want to face the truth. If I hated myself as much as others did I would kill myself in the most gruesome way but because I’d have to live with the pain and I’m a coward I don’t. I know I’m dead now but I can’t stop holding onto life. There are too many comforts in this world that I don’t deserve but I’m too selfish to give up… good food, hot girls, nice cars, hot girls, the internet, porn etc. I am despised beyond belief and I wonder why the fuck did this have to happen to me? Why the fuck was I even born? And I’m scared shitless of what I must do to die but I guess I’ve got to pay the price eventually. If I don’t, someone will make me. I’ve just got to inject myself and jump and hope I don’t feel a thing. If you’re reading this please don’t hold back in anything you think, just say it because I’m tired of being left in the dark about who I am.
I keep slipping further and further down, this life is a bottomless pit. I’ve sold almost everything I’ve owned, my house (freely rented since I became homeless) is a state, I look like shit, I can’t sleep, communicate or learn, and I’m too depressed to do anything about to care for those things. I’ve been racking my a brains trying to find some way of making money, looking into things I shouldn’t but I’m too stupid to even make money illegally. It’s all patched up or too complicated. I’m clinging on for dear life but I’m already dead. I can’t accept it, I’ve always had such a lust and ambition for life but every time I wake up I remember exactly who I am and it rips my heart apart. I don’t want to die. I can’t bear this. I can’t even cry I’m that destroyed. If I could just pick one thing like Web design and devote everything to it as long as I can bear maybe ill get somewhere but probably not. If this is the end why don’t I just sell the car, get a loan and feel a flicker of life before I die. It’s so important I make the right decision.
I don’t think I’ll ever know when to walk away from life, it’ll be more of a spur of the moment, angry and impulsive act. I am worth less than nothing. You know the kind of person you’d accuse your friend of being to offend them (“you’re a fucking idiot / ugly bastard / freak / no dick / boring / loser”). I’m every single one of those things and it’s not just self-loathing, it’s the truth. I am literally retarded and everything else that’s bad. I’m a walking joke. The incredible thing is that despite knowing this and the amount of pain I’ve been through I keep plodding along, pretending that something different will happen. I think anyone with half a brain would realise the extent of my problems and uselessness and leave the world to the living. But I run and I hide and if I keep doing it I’m going to die without a shred of dignity or respect from others. I want it to be over and I know my family will get over it, they’ve known my problems all my life and i’m not the kind of person who’d be greatly missed by anyone. I’m not a real person. I’ve never belonged. And even when people ask me basic things I can’t communicate back because I am helplessly intellectually disabled (don’t let my writing fool you). As selfish as it is, the one thing that stops me is the fear of jumping and the pain of impact. Paper cuts hurt me, I can’t getting a tooth removed, yet I’ve somehow have to find the courage within me to jump from a 150ft onto concrete all the while knowing I could survive yet break every bone in my body… The saddest thing is that nobody on this planet has ever truly related or understood me. I am an anomaly and it breaks my heart. I’m on here for the same reason as everyone else, in the futile hope that someone will reply with the magical answer, something that will fix this mess. But this life is hopeless and I’m going to do it.
(Just not today)